Mary Sue's Bad Dream
Authors note: This is just a joke, people, so please don't send me hate mail!
Mary Sue had been watching the first two LotR DVD's repeatedly, and eagerly awaited the release of the last one. Actually, she decided, she couldn't wait. She had to get into Middle Earth and quickly. She was just flicking through The Two Towers, and freeze framing on all the yummy faces of the actors, and watching all the interviews over and over again, when she found a secret menu, which said 'extra extras'. She eagerly clicked on a feature that said 'Want to get into Middle Earth, eh?'
"Yes, I do!" she said out loud, flicking her long golden hair, and widening her already very wide blue eyes. She waited until the 'Want to Get Into Middle Earth, eh?' feature had loaded, and read out a list of instructions. They said:
If you are dying to get some of that Middle Earth action, follow these rules. First of all, eat cheese just before going to bed, and lots of it. The stronger the better. Stilton is good. Secondly, after you have brushed your long golden hair…
"How do they know?" murmured Mary Sue, running her fingers through her own golden hair.
After you have brushed your golden hair, stand next to your bed, spin around, and as you are doing so, chant 'Peter Jackson said I could be a Middle Earther', three times. Terms and conditions apply…
Mary Sue couldn't be bothered to read the terms and conditions. She just flicked off the DVD player and waited eagerly for bed time. She had to content herself with fantasising about which Middle Earth male she would give her heart to.
She thought of the hobbits first, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin, but even though they were sweet, they were rather short. Then again they had big feet and she had heard all the rumours about men with big feet…
Then she thought about Strider/Aragorn. Now he was a real man. Tall, handsome, with that little dimple in his chin. He'd need a bath of course, but she could very easily sponge him down as part of the prelude to their love-making.
She moved on to dreaming about the elves. Legolas was an angel, and he'd be sure to want her company after all that time spent with Gimli. (she did consider Gimli, then, shuddering, quickly dismissed the idea).
Elrond. Now he was an elf and a half, though she preferred him when she was buckling his swash with Isildur, than later when he was the crotchety elf moaning about the 'weakness of men'.
She spent some time browsing Fanfiction.net, trying to find a story that fit her ideal of Middle Earth romance, but was to be sorely disappointed.
When it got to around 5pm, she could hardly wait any longer. Surely it must be time for bed somewhere in the world, she thought. She swallowed down a big lump of cheese. It wasn't Stilton, but it had been in her fridge some time, and had mould growing from it. Then, brushing her golden locks in double quick time (only giving it 50 strokes instead of the usual 100), she stood at the side of the bed and spun round, chanting three times:
"Peter Jackson said I could be a Middle Earther."
Feeling dizzy, she lay down on her bed, and drifted into a deep sleep, convinced that when she awoke, she would be in Middle Earth.
She opened her eyes the next morning and was delighted to find herself in Rivendell, sleeping in a big wooden bed (though it did have a nice comfortable mattress on it, thank goodness). Lord Elrond looked down on her.
"Are you well Mary Sue?" he asked, warmth and caring shining in his eyes. This must be her true love.
"Yes, Lord Elrond. I have come to tell you that I love you."
"Oh, I'm sorry Mary Sue, but I've got a date with my father-in-law, Celeborn, later. He's a great kisser."
Though disappointed, Mary Sue, decided that maybe Elrond wasn't for her after all.
She got out of bed and wandered around Rivendell. She saw Legolas in the distance, and chased after him, just in time to see him bend down and give Gimli a whopping great French kiss …eugh!
Feeling more and more concerned about never finding her true love, she searched for Aragorn, only to find him in a very compromising position with both of Elrond's twin sons.
This was not good, she thought, as she explored Rivendell. She did not even want to think about what she found the hobbits doing with Borimir and Farimir!
"Is there no one in Middle Earth who will love me?" she cried plaintively.
Just then, Arwen and her grandmother, Galadriel, came from behind a pillar, licking their lips, and looking at Mary Sue wantonly….
"Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" She cried, and thanked God when she awoke in her own bed.
She rushed out of bed and went back to the DVD player, switching it on and finding the 'Extra Extras' item. Finally she read the terms and conditions:
It is a well known fact (well, according to fanfiction writers the world over) that all characters in Middle Earth only take part in same sex relationships. This should be kept in mind when visiting…