so is the girl you used to call
(the queen of new york city)
a/n: based on the song old money by lana del rey, give it a listen because the blair/serena feels just radiate from it.
—/—
She's gone before you have a chance to react, slipping out of your fingers like silk and leaving a destruction in her wake.
(the kids were young and pretty, where have you been? where did you go? those summer nights seem so long ago and so is the girl you used to call the Queen of New York City).
—
Serena is a magnetic, golden, gleaming and bright. It's hard not to fall under her spell. Blair's been trapped in her web since she was five years old, brown hair that never seemed long enough and a figure much too boy like for her taste.
Everything about her seemed to shine, from her bright blue eyes, to the long wavy golden hair, to the tan skin that reminded her of summer even on the most rainy of days. Her energetic personality popped, shimmered, sparkled. The worst thing was that she was so honestly good and nice.
And then one day out of the blue, she left.
(and soon it felt like maybe she was never there to begin with).
—/—
one month before.
Nine o'clock and she's turning up drunk at the Archibald's, a grin and her speech a little slurred. Nate manages to get her to his room before his parents can start asking her questions, before they can smell the vodka.
"What are you doing?" He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he paces back and forth through the room. He needs to get it cut — his hair, it's too long. Blair's not picking up and Serena's curled into a ball on his bed, gently sobbing.
"What's up, buttercup?" Nate teases, sitting down softly next to her on the bed. Fingers ghosting against her shoulder blade in a light touch, he's not sure what he should do, can do to make it better. Blair's always with them, always there to make sure that Serena's okay, Nate just makes her laugh. Serena hiccups, groggily trying to sit up.
"It's just —" Serena sighs, her speech isn't slurred anymore and it looks like the effects of alcohol could be wearing off. "Do you ever feel not good enough?" Nate knows exactly what she means, he's just surprised to here the words come from her.
"Lily," Serena lets out a bitter laugh as she shakes her head, golden waves messily tumbling over her shoulder, there's knots and a bit of vomit on the ends and Nate scrunches up his nose, because, look, that's disgusting. "She's never around and I can't help thinking it's my fault and Blair — she's just," Pausing, she tries to search for the right word. "Perfect, you know?"
She doesn't say anymore, just drifts off to sleep and Nate has known her since he was a kid, running amuck in the playground with his hair sticking out at odd ends and dirt on his knees but it feels like he's never really known her until this moment.
—
Shots in a dirty bar sounds like fun at first. Georgina slithers up towards a middle aged man, cocking her head and raising an eyebrow as she flirts shamelessly to get herself a drink.
Serena watches, and she laughs and laughs and laughs. Maybe it's because she's drunk, maybe because Georgie slipped something into her hand earlier that popped when she placed it on her tongue or maybe it's because she's fifteen and she's having fun in a place she's not supposed to be.
This same scene has played out a hundred times before, a bar, Georgie, and men to flirt with her buy them drinks but it's never felt as lonely and as fun as before. It's an odd combination and Serena's forgetting about how odd it is once a boy who's not past eighteen joins her at the bar, a small smile and small talk.
"You from around here?" He asks, his accent not American. Serena nods her head, giggling a little as she watches Georgina on the other side of the room.
"I'm Max," and Serena barely catches his name before she's leaving him to find her friend.
"Serena!" She calls behind her shoulder, lifting Georgina up and slipping her arm through her arm before telling the gentlemen, sorry we're off! and racing out into the cool night air.
—
Girls crowd around the cafeteria, magazines covering lunches and gossip filling ears.
"I heard—"
"Well, no, that's not true—"
"And but—"
"Jensie Jacobs slept with—"
"What? That's a lie!"
Serena tries to block it all out by grinning at Blair who's shovelling food around on her plate, a grim expression as she mutters about how boring yogurt is and how in salad's are. Girls fight to get Serena's attention, the gossip becoming louder as they ask for the blonde's opinions.
"Queen of New York," She hears Blair mutter, and briefly she wonders what she's on about.
"Let's go," Serena whispers and then they're off. Two best friends escaping the confines of the lunch time gossip.
—/—
summer
Waves roll over Blair's legs, the hot sun beating down onto her skin.
Serena lying by her side, basking in the warm air. It's nice like this, just the two of them.
Earlier, they painted eachothers nails and talked about Nate for hours on end, you two are so cute together, B! and we made out for like ages yesterday! It's mindless first love chatter and two girls squealing into the early hours of the morning.
Serena decides to propose a dare,
"We should steal something." She declares, standing up. Letting the sand fall off of her flat stomach, letting Blair's eyes travel over her body; over the curves and toned stomach, the tan legs — the things she'll never have. Insecurity bubbles inside her, brimming at the surface until it spills over and makes her mind see red.
But then Serena smiles, a wide glimmering smile, and everything seems to stop for a moment; everything seems to be okay.
"We don't need to steal," Blair points out. They have bank accounts swimming with money, trust funds backing them up.
"So? Does anyone who steals need to steal? It's about doing something you're not supposed to do!" Serena exclaims, hands clasping together in excitement. Blair wants to point out that, actually yes, a lot of people only steal because they need to but she keeps her mouth shuts and tries not to be the goody two shoes she is at heart. Live a little, relax, have fun, get into trouble, don't be so boring Blair.
"Okay." Serena helps her up, dusting off the sand on her legs and grinning at her like they're about to cause trouble. She can barely wait.
—
"It's hot," Serena moans, writhing around on her towel. Trying to beat the sun away with her hand. Nate chuckles, watching her with interest. Does she really believe she can beat the sun away with her hand? Blair frowns, moving her sunglasses down to her nose, fingers ghosting across her bare stomach.
"Serena, jump in the water then. Or go inside." Blair demands, the words coming out in angry tones. Serena is slipping out of her singlet and shorts and jumping into the cold water in a second. Nate follows soon after, attacking her once he's inside the water. Frowning, Blair watches on. Jealousy coursing through her; he'd rather be dating her, wouldn't he? She's beautiful and funny and all the things Blair isn't, of course he would.
Putting her book down she bites her lower lip, then she slides out of her shorts and walks a steady pace towards the water, it laps up against her skin; icy, chilly, and kind of wonderful. Serena grins and starts clapping for Blair to come forward, nervously the brunette looks down at her body, pointing out the imperfections before telling herself not to think about that.
Then she's diving in, and she's escaping. Serena hugs her, and Nate plants a kiss on her lips; brief and fleeting and sweet.
It's just the three of them, splashing around in the water and howling with laughter. It's the three of them, making memories and enjoying each others company. It's the three of them being so in love with each other it's hard to bear.
"Love you, B!" Serena squeals, splashing water on her.
"Love you, S!" Blair grins back, splashing water back on her.
—
It's much too hot to sleep, so Blair and Serena lay intertwined in Serena's bed. All long limbs and pale skin, both in singlets and underwear. Telling scary stories and exciting stories, and that time Serena made out with that middle aged man in a bar with Georgie.
Blair makes a yuck sound before laughing. Serena always tells the best stories, she always has.
"— and then he told me that he thinks we'll be together forever. He's so sweet, S. It's unbelievable. I never imagined I would love him this much," Blair gushes, brunette curls swaying lightly against her shoulders. Serena squeals, hugging her tightly and telling her how happy she is for her.
"So," Serena says, sharp and pointed, an eyebrow raised. Blair feels a blush creeping against her cheeks, she buries her head in a pillow.
"Not that," Blair mumbles, suddenly shy. They've talked about this a hundred times before but it feels weird now, Nate's brought it up. Eager hands sneaking under a top and kisses lingering on her skin too long, too low. Blair doesn't know if she wants to do that just yet, sex, or whatever. Put it in context with yourself and it suddenly seems like a big deal. She's a romantic, has dreamed of it being just right.
Serena's never wanted that, and Blair's always admired that about her, just as Serena's always admired Blair's romantic notions about it. Two opposites, the blonde had once mused.
"Okay," Serena smiles warmly, sensing that this conversation would wait for another day. Sometimes you can't tell your best friend everything, and that's always okay.
—/—
two days after
"Hey, can I speak to Serena?" Blair asks, twisting the phone cord around her finger as she exchanges pleasantries with Lily, there's an intake of breath on the other end and Blair rolls her eyes, please let Serena be home. She hadn't responded to any of Blair's texts all day and she wasn't in school, which wasn't odd or anything, but well, Blair had big news.
"Serena didn't tell you?" Lily asks, shock apparent in her voice. Blair feels her nerves on edge, tell me what.
"No?" Blair responds wearily, holding in her breathe.
"She left. For boarding school." That's the exact moment where Blair's world crumbles and the puzzle pieces start to come undone, everything falling into a chaotic mess around her.
"W-what?" It's hard to contain her shock, to remain composed. No tears, though. Not yet. She can feel the moisture building in her eyes, ready to fall.
Lily sighs on the other end, "Blair, I'm sorry but I have to go—" Blair hangs up before Lilly can finish the sentence. Sitting shocked on the edge of the bed, it takes her three minutes before she starts crying. Light tears at first, then swallowing sobs that eat her whole.
She lets her lamp crash onto the fall, lets her perfumes clatter onto the ground. The worst part is that nobody is home to hear it, to stop her, to listen.
Serena just left. Went to boarding school. Didn't say goodbye.
"Fucking bitch!" Blair screams, her throat dry from crying and screaming and sobbing. It hurts but it's nothing compared to the pain in her heart, the aching hole that has been left. Innocence crushed and destroyed by those simple words: Serena didn't tell you? She left for boarding school.
"I hate her, I hate her, I hate her." Her phone falls apart in her hands, dress wrinkled and crumpled underneath her hands.
Her Serena has left.
Her Serena has left and hasn't even said goodbye.
Blair's tired, exhausted. She climbs into bed and curls up in a ball, snuggling into the covers like she's a small tired except there's nobody to tuck her in, to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be okay.
"Serena," She sobs, the name pouring out of her mouth at the same rate as the tears pour out of her eyes. Mascara, eyeliner and eyeshadow cover her pillows, smudging across her skin.
Once she had promised that she had never left, but it looks like everyone breaks their promises. Even Serena.
—/—
but if you send for me, you know I'll come.
—
(Blair breaks until she can't break anymore, all of it happens in private. She appears calm and collected to the rest of the world, indifferent towards Serena's disappearance. You didn't know? She asks the girls at school, shrugging when the topic of her best friend is brought up.
Soon enough the girls are flocking to her, wearing headbands and tights with heels. Copying her style, preppy and perfect; they follow her rules. Mean and manipulative but good all the same. Do well at school, represent me when you wear my symbol of a crown.
Then she explodes; bursts until she can't anymore. Everything is turned into a mess, she snaps and snaps and snaps until she breaks. Until her kingdom turns into stone, until there's nothing left but her hurt smeared onto the walls and set into the ground and everyone has forgotten about Blair; all they know now is Queen, Blair Waldorf).
—
one month after
Serena's still gone and Blair has stopped caring. In fact, it's almost a blessing that she's gone. Finally, she can be seen as the rightful Queen of New York City, gone is the blonde bombshell replaced by the cold towering queen. No longer is the kingdom covered in warmth but now only a cold dust. It was always so tiring sharing with a girl she could never compete against.
That is until her father walks out on her, too.
Leaves her and her mother for a thirty three year old male model, leaves them behind in New York bathed in scandal.
Eleanor is gone soon after that, too. For three weeks she's gone and Dorota is the only person Blair can turn to. Nate is off moping about Serena still and Serena is gone.
(So is her father and her mother, so is everyone. Everyone leaves).
It's easier to handle when she eats, so she eats everything and weighs herself and cries until she pukes, a big fuck you to everyone for leaving her.
She writes Serena a letter, but never sends it. Briefly she'll wonder if she would even come home if she ever got it, she must of heard about her father leaving; she knows just how important he was to her. Maybe if Blair called for her she would come home, come running back to Blair and maybe everything could be almost like she never left.
But she doesn't want that, it's unfixable now, the damage has been done.
—/—
four months after
"Do you miss her?" Nate asks, fingers lightly brushing against Blair's thigh. So close. That night she had called for Serena, only to find out she was gone, she had wanted to tell her that she had made up her mind: She wanted to sleep with Nate but now the idea has repulsed her ever since.
And anyway, Nate doesn't even seem interested anymore.
His finger brushes up a little higher, and Blair pushes his hand away, disgruntled as she stands up and fixes her skirt.
"Stop," She scolds before walking into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind her, locking it as she slumps onto the floor. Do I miss her? Only every fucking second.
It's easier when she pretends that she doesn't. Easier when she has everything under control.
—/—
five years before
The kids were young and pretty.
Ten years old and the whole world in front of them.
Nate was the most popular ten year old, charming and shy.
Serena was the most popular ten year old, bubbly and warm.
Blair was the most popular ten year old, bossy and prim.
Together they were unstoppable, they controlled the world, and the world didn't control them.
Dirty knees, ripped dresses and they were just kids except they weren't.
Technology wasn't really born yet, but wealth and privilege has been around forever.
"Best friends forever?" Serena asks.
"Haven't we been that since we were five?" Blair responds, grinning.
"Five?" Nate exclaims.
"We should have a special name!" Serena squeals.
"The breakfast club!" Blair offers, the movie they'd watched last weekend with the Archibald's.
"The non judging breakfast club!" Nate fixes.
Thus they were born.
—/—
nine months after
Serena tumbles back into their lives, for a moment it's like she's never left but the damage has been done, the scars are still intact (visible on Eric's skin, visible in Blair's stomach, visible in Nate's pain).
It can't be fixed with a pretty smile because they're older now, no longer fifteen and naivë. Now they know that the world isn't pretty and innocence has long been lost through the pain they've endured.
—
will you still love me when I shine, from words but not from beauty?
—
"Promise me you'll never leave me, Serena."
"I promise you, Blair. I promise you I'll never, ever leave you."