Title: Five Times Penny Might Have Told Frieda She Loved Her (And One Time She Didn't)
Author: Canonisation
Part: 1/1
Pairing: Frieda/Penny
Rating: 15
Flits around in time - only concrete spoilers are for 13x26 - Boy Valentine/Girl Valentine
Synopsis: Six vignettes exploring Penny and Frieda's relationship between the past and several possible futures.
1
One:
Penny Valentine sits at the nurse's station, reading through charts, rubbing her head in frustration. It's a busy day, her idiot brother has vanished, Michael's in HolbyCare, and Malick is rushed off his feet trying to handle everything, with a temper to match. This is the first time she's been able to sit down all day, and it's only going to be for a minute or two, while she uses the excuse that she has to check these charts.
While she tries to soothe her aching feet, a familiar, wonderful scent fills her nostrils, and she looks up to see an equally haggard-looking Frieda Petrenko standing in front of her, two large cups of coffee in her hands.
"Here," says Frieda curtly, "you need this."
Penny smiles in gratitude. "Why, Doctor Petrenko...are you worried about me?"
Frieda shrugs, her mask of indifference not slipping an inch. "If you collapse from exhaustion, it makes my life harder, and that will not do. So, is in my interest to keep you awake."
Penny reaches over and takes a cup. "You know, one day you'll learn it's okay to show affection for people."
Frieda gives a smirk. "When I find someone I want to give affection to, I probably will."
Penny mouths something rude to Frieda, and takes a sip of the coffee. It's just how she likes it - Frieda obviously pays attention to the coffee runs - and it's hot, and refreshing. It's just about the highlight of her day so far - as sad as that sounds. "Oh God, I LOVE you," she practically moans, not realising at first that she's saying it out loud.
"What?" asks Frieda, confused - and it's at that moment Penny realises she's just said that rather loudly.
Penny glances at Frieda quickly, suddenly not knowing what to say. The weird part is, she doesn't know WHY she's suddenly speechless. It was just a turn of phrase, after all - she was just grateful for the coffee and expressed it in an...enthusiastic way. All she has to do is explain that. So what's the problem?
Frieda is frowning a little now, and Penny wonders what she must look like, simply staring at her dumbfounded, unable to speak.
"It's not like...I didn't..." Penny manages to splutter this out, before tailing off again. It's at that moment she understands why she doesn't know what to say - she doesn't want to tell Frieda that she doesn't love her. The realisation hits her, causing her hand to fly up to her mouth in shock.
"Penny?" asks Frieda softly.
"The coffee, I meant," says Penny uncertainly. "I mean, not that I...I..." She doesn't know what to say at this point, simultaneously confused about how to phrase this, and lost as to why she's suddenly feeling this way.
Frieda looks at her intently, her expression unreadable. Finally, she speaks: "I know what you mean," she says softly. Penny looks at her, and tries vainly to read what's on her face. Is it disappointment? Confusion? She wants to say something, explain what she meant, but the truth is, she doesn't know what she meant, and she doesn't know what's going on in her head, much less anyone else's.
Thankfully, at that moment, Malick shows up and calls them both away to deal with a case, sparing Penny from all this confusion. As they walk away, she catches Frieda looking at her quickly. Is she also trying to read what's going on in Penny's mind? Then Frieda looks away again, leaving Penny alone in her thoughts.
Penny manages to shut all of these thoughts out for the moment, and concentrate on work. But she knows that she isn't going to be able to shut them out forever...
2
Two:
It's raining hard tonight in Holby, pouring down out of the night sky with an intensity unmatched by any storm in recent memory. Frieda Petrenko doesn't care, though - she's standing outside the hospital in the rain, oblivious to the water cascading over her, uncaring about the cold even though she's only clad in scrubs. The only thing she cares about at this moment is what Penny Valentine has just said to her. To make sure, she calls out to Penny to repeat it.
Penny is standing nearer the hospital, also simply clad in scrubs, but similarly ignorant of the weather. "You heard me," she calls, walking closer to Frieda. "Come back inside. "
"Don't..." Frieda's voice cracks, and she shakes her head angrily. "Don't play with me, Penny."
"You think I'm playing with you?" Penny starts to walk closer to Frieda, but thinks better of it once she catches Frieda's glare. "I meant it. It doesn't matter about your past, Frieda. We've all made mistakes...god knows I have. We learn from it, we move on. What happened in the Ukraine doesn't matter now - not to me, not to anyone in there."
"It matters to me," whispers Frieda. "I thought...I thought it was in past, too. That it did not matter. But it does." She shakes her head, closing her eyes. "I was stupid back then. Things...happened. People got hurt because of me, and I can't ever forget that. I pushed it back inside for as long as I could, and I thought - I really thought - that it was all behind me. But then...this happens."
"I'm so sorry," calls Penny. "He's my brother...I should have realised he'd do something like this one day. I knew he was mad at me - at us, but I didn't think he'd do anything like this."
"My past was private," yells Frieda. "How dare he? To...to tell everyone what happened. He is..." Her speech devolves into the most insulting, crude insults she can think of in her native language.
"I know, I know." Penny's eyes are wet with tears now. "I've cut him off - he knows how I feel about what he did. I'm not going to be seeing him ever again. You didn't deserve what he did."
Frieda's make-up has run badly now, though Penny can't tell if it's because of the rain or tears. "Maybe I did. Anyway, doesn't matter - damage is done. People know now. They won't respect me again."
Penny throws caution to the wind and walks over to Frieda. Thankfully, Frieda does not shy away. "Frieda, listen to me. You didn't deserve this. And your past? Yeah, you made mistakes - we've all done that. You owned up to your mistakes. You paid the price - you've done the penance. People here will recognise that. No-one who matters is going to treat you differently because of this."
Frieda stares into Penny's eyes for a long while, before turning away. "No. You're wrong. They will...I know..."
Penny places her hand on Frieda's shoulders and turns her so that she's facing Penny. "Look, I've known you for a while, haven't I? And have I ever probed about what happened in the Ukraine? Once I knew you didn't want to discuss it, I let it go. Right?" At Frieda's curt nod, she continues. "You know why? Because it didn't matter. I knew who you were. I knew your skills. What had happened in your past didn't matter to me, because I knew the person you were now, and I respected that person - I cared for that person."
"Do you mean that?" asks Frieda softly. Penny nods, and Frieda suddenly tries to pull away. Penny won't let her, though and Frieda relents after a second. "It doesn't matter," continues Frieda angrily. "I just quit. I can't go back in there now even if I wanted to."
Penny takes Frieda's hands in her own. "Before I came out here, I checked with everyone who heard your outburst. They're willing to ignore it if you do - no-one heard you quitting if you don't want them to."
"Why?" asks Frieda, a note of desperation in her voice.
"We need you in there - everyone agrees. You're one of our best doctors. I'm telling you, Frieda - no-one is thinking any less of you for this. Thanks to this, Oliver's burned his bridges completely now, but with you - this doesn't change a thing. Everyone still respects you. Everyone still appreciates your skill. And I meant it - we need you." Penny's voice grows softer. "I need you."
Frieda looks in her eyes. "You mean that, don't you?"
Penny nods. "I meant what I said, Frieda. This changes nothing about my feelings for you. I'm just...just sorry that it took for this to happen to admit them."
Tears are definitely streaming from Frieda's eyes now, her make-up smeared all over her face, but she doesn't care. She doesn't care that her flimsy scrubs are now completely soaked and she's probably going to get incredibly sick from the exposure. All she cares about is making sure that she heard Penny's words correctly. "Tell...tell me again," she whispers.
Penny reaches up to stroke her face gently. "I love you, Frieda. Nothing can change that. Nothing."
Frieda reaches over and takes Penny's face in her hands as well. "You're sure?" she asks tentatively. "That I can just walk back in and nothing will have changed? That no-one will...hold this against me?"
Penny presses her forehead to Frieda's and closes her eyes. "I swear it," she whispers. "I won't let them. You can trust me with your life, Frieda Petrenko."
"I do." Frieda pulls back slightly and gazes into Penny's eyes, before giving a curt nod. "Okay. I will go back."
Penny breaks into a tearful smile, and leans forward to press a kiss on Frieda's forehead. "You won't regret this, I promise."
"About what you said..." Frieda pauses. "I...I am sorry too...I should have said this to you long time ago as well." She leans forward and kisses Penny's lips softly. "I love you too, Penny."
"I know," says Penny with a grin, and they fall into each other's arms, everything else - the hospital, the rain - meaningless for the moment as they each show the other the depth of their feelings.
3
Three:
Penny Valentine props herself up on her shoulder, looking at the sleeping figure beside her in the moonlight. It's a full moon tonight, and Frieda's sleeping form is bathed in moonlight. It seems appropriate for Frieda somehow - she always did prefer the nighttime. The moonlight shines over Frieda's pale skin, giving her a beautiful, almost ethereal quality. Her long, dark hair is splayed out over the bed and pillows.
It's the most gorgeous sight Penny has ever seen.
Frieda makes a small noise, and shifts slightly, pushing the sheet down to her waist. Penny runs her hand softly down her back, lightly savouring her soft skin, stopping at the tattoo at the base of her spine. She leans over and kisses Frieda's shoulder softly, wrapping her arms around Frieda, pressing her skin to Frieda's and holding the Ukrainian tightly.
This isn't something Penny had ever dreamed about when she'd first met Frieda. In fact, it wouldn't be inaccurate to state that they'd hated one another. But in time, their friendship had grown and grown, and before long, and really before either of them realised it, they were dating. The usual trips to the bar had turned into the two of them spending all of their free time together, and so, when Frieda had looked at her one day while they were watching a movie, it had seemed the most natural thing in the world for them to kiss.
They hadn't even needed to quantify the change in their relationship. It was as if both of them knew what the other was thinking, and acted accordingly. The rules changed slightly, and suddenly, without any fuss, they were a couple. Penny suspects now that it had come at the perfect time for both of them - she had been dealing with the fallout from the Oliver situation, and Frieda had been struggling through the difficulties in becoming a doctor. They had both helped each other, supported each other, and now Penny cannot imagine a life without Frieda.
Even now, Penny still finds herself doing this - sitting up at night, watching her lover sleep, marvelling at how amazing this woman is, and how lucky she is to have Frieda in her life. She leans in closer to Frieda, brushing the hair away from her face and kissing the nape of her neck.
"I love you, Frieda," she whispers softly into Frieda's ears. "More than you will ever know."
And with that, Penny closes her eyes and falls asleep in the arms of the woman she loves.
4
Four:
Frieda Petrenko stares at herself in the mirror, her normal sardonic manner unable to contain the joy and pride radiating out from within. A broad, genuine smile spreads all over her face and she clenches her fist in a victory pump.
"Wow." A familiar voice comes from the door. "If the others could see you now - the cool, collected Frieda Petrenko - grinning all over, and practically bursting with happiness."
Frieda gives a wry grin, and doesn't turn around. "Well," she says, with a mock-edge in her voice, "they will not get to see this, or even hear about this - because I know where you live, and you know what happens if you try to mess with me."
"Of course you know where I live," says Penny Valentine, stepping over and wrapping her arms around Frieda. "You live with me."
Frieda relaxes into her partner's embrace, never getting tired of the feel of her touch. "Thought you lived with me? You remember - I finally gave into your...tiresome advances, and deigned to let you live with me?"
"MY tiresome advances?" Penny kisses Frieda's neck softly. "I seem to remember you flirting with me forever, until I finally get the nerve to ask you out - and you jumped at the chance. We would have saved a lot of time if you'd just admitted you liked me earlier."
"I'm worth effort."
"You certainly are," says Penny softly. She embraces Frieda for a moment longer, then pulls back. "So. Admiring yourself? While I don't think your ego deserves any more feeding, there's a lot you have to be proud of today." A similarly huge smile creeps across her face as well. "Consultant. I always knew you'd do it."
"I did not," says Frieda quietly. She turns to face Penny, her expression suddenly serious. "I...I could not have done it without you."
"Nonsense." Penny brushes a stray hair from Frieda's face. "You had the skills...you had the work ethic. I know it's been rough sometimes over the past few years...but look at you now. You're amazing, Frieda Petrenko."
"I mean it," says Frieda, gazing at Penny intently. "You...you gave me courage to go back to being doctor. You made sure I would not give up...you would not let me fail. You supported me when no-one else would. I...owe you everything."
"I feel the same." Penny strokes Frieda face gently, her voice full of emotion. "You were always there for me, even when we weren't a couple yet. The past few years...I know they've been hard, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm so glad I met you..."
"Me too." Frieda leans forward and kisses Penny softly. The two embrace passionately, losing themselves in each other, forgetting about the outside world for a few minutes. Finally, they pull apart, flushed and a little bit giggly.
"So," says Penny, "I've organized a little something for tonight." At Frieda's quizzical glance, she smiles. "Relax. I know you hate big parties. It's just a small get-together - just me, you, some of our colleagues, and some old faces from the past."
Frieda groans. "Not Team Spence, surely? Why must you torture me, Valentine?"
"Oh, be quiet. I know you miss them - they just want to congratulate you." Penny pauses, something clearly on her mind. "There's...one more thing. I didn't agree yet - I wanted to run it past you first." Frieda raises an eyebrow and Penny continues. "It's Oliver. He wants to congratulate you. In person. I haven't given him an answer yet...I know you're still upset at him..."
"Are you not?" Frieda's eyes narrow. "After what he did, would have thought you would still be holding grudge. I am."
"I know, I know." Penny sighs. "And it still hurts, it does...but it's been years now...he made things right in the end. And I think he misses us - both of us, and..."
"You miss him too," says Frieda softly, pulling Penny a little closer to her. "He is still your brother, after all."
Penny nods, giving a sad smile. "It would be nice to see him again. We used to be so close...then...you know." She looks Frieda in the eye. "But today is your day. If you don't want him there, I'll understand. Don't agree just because you want to keep me happy."
"Oh, Valentine..." Frieda leans over and kisses the tip of her nose. "You know that keeping you happy is pretty low priority for me."
"Witch," says Penny, amused.
Frieda thinks for a moment, then nods. "He can come. Would not be right to not have all members of Team Spence there. I may even be little nice to him."
"Thank you," whispers Penny. She smiles, gazing into Frieda's eyes. "I'm so proud of you, you know?"
"Same here."
"I love you," says Penny quietly, but intently. "You mean more to me than anything in the world, Frieda."
Frieda smiles warmly, slightly taken aback by Penny's intensity, but touched by the depths of her emotions. "I love you too."
The two fall into another kiss, losing themselves in the other, blocking out the outside world and concentrating on nothing but the two of them. Two women in love, with no other cares at the moment, but each other.
5
Five:
Frieda Petrenko sits at the kitchen table, thumbing her way through a worn paperback, occasionally reaching over to take a sip of her coffee. She can hear her spouse making an unholy racket in the bedroom (it sounds like she's violently rummaging through drawers and/or throwing furniture about) but she's long ago learned not to be surprised when Penny Valentine gets it in her head to do something silly. It's probably just another mad notion she's got that their bedroom is badly arranged, and needs to be rearranged immediately. She just sits back and lets Penny get on with it.
Unusually, they both have the day off from the hospital. Frieda wonders what they should do. The thought of simply staying in is appealing, although if Penny is in the mood for decorating, that may not be such a good idea. Dinner and a movie, perhaps? Yes, thinks Frieda, she'll make a reservation somewhere and check the internet for a suitably grim movie to go to. Better to leave Penny out of the decision making, otherwise they may end up with another witless romantic comedy.
Frieda smiles with warmth and affection. Her wife may have questionable taste, and some very curious neuroses, but she wouldn't change a thing. The years they've spent together have been the happiest of her life. Recently, they had been trying to move their relationship on a further step, but had not been successful so far, much to both of their frustration. However, they had faced many trials and tribulations in their relationship so far, and Frieda had no doubt they would succeed in this, as well.
At this, Penny finally comes out of the bedroom, a very strange grin on her face. She brushes her long red hair out of her eyes, and walks over to the table. Frieda glances over her book, and notes that she's carrying something behind her back, trying very inexpertly to hide it. Frieda decides she won't mention it, to see who cracks and mentions it first (it'll be Penny, obviously).
"Finished?" says Frieda, going to back to her book.
"Yes," says Penny, not hiding a massive grin very well.
"I think," says Frieda laconically, "that our bedroom's layout is fine the way it is. Not sure why you feel it needs changing every other week."
"I wasn't changing around the bedroom," says Penny airily. "I was just...looking for something."
Frieda isn't going to take that obvious hint, either. Penny's still hiding whatever it is behind her back, too - clearly waiting for Frieda to ask what it is. Well, Frieda's not going to be that easy to convince. "Looking for something?"
"Yeah...besides, I don't think I'll be doing any heavy lifting from now on."
"Great. You finally have bedroom where you want it?" Frieda flips the page. "So. Was thinking about what to do today. How does cinema grab you?"
"Oh, I don't know..." Penny gives a shy smile. "I was thinking about shopping. Some new outfits, perhaps."
Frieda can tell now that Penny is just bursting for Frieda to ask her what's going on. Her mouth curling into a small smile, she flips the page and pointedly does not ask what's going on. "Sounds good to me."
There's a long pause, while Frieda reads her book, and Penny sits there, arms still behind her back, waiting for a question that never comes. Finally, Penny gives an exasperated sigh. "Aren't you ever going to ask me what's behind my back?"
Frieda grins. She knew Penny would fold first. "You have something behind back?" she asks innocently. "Hadn't noticed."
"Very funny." Penny produces a small wrapped box from behind her back. "Since you won't rise to the bait, here it is. Had to search for ages to find this - wasn't sure we had any wrapping stuff around."
"This is what you were searching for?" Frieda frowns. "What is occasion?"
"Happy birthday," says Penny warmly.
"Is not my birthday. Not for few months yet." Frieda is lost now.
Penny shrugs. "Do I need an occasion to give you a present?" At Frieda's confused glance, she smiles. "Besides, it's a special occasion. You just don't know it yet." She gestures at the box. "Open it."
Frieda looks at Penny for a moment, then reaches out for the box, genuinely curious about what's inside now. This isn't like Penny, Frieda thinks, so there must be a reason why she was doing this. Pulling off the wrapping paper reveals a small gift box. Frieda opens it, eyeing Penny quickly, who is practically bursting with excitement. Inside, there's a small piece of plastic. It takes Frieda a second to realise it's a pregnancy test.
A positive pregnancy test.
"There's about ten more in the bathroom," says Penny softly as Frieda sits there, staring at the test in surprise. "I know we've had some...disappointments, and...struggles with this in the past, and I wanted to make really sure before I told you."
"We're..." Frieda looks up to meet Penny's gaze, her eyes wet with tears.
"We're going to be parents," whispers Penny, tearing up herself now.
There's barely a second before both women are on their feet, and in each other's arms. Frieda takes Penny's face in her hands and kisses her deeply, Penny's hands on her waist, pulling them together. Several tearful, passionate kisses follow before they simply relax in each other's arms, pulling themselves closer, their heads on the other's shoulder.
"I love you," whispers Penny into her wife's ear. "You're going to be a wonderful mother."
"So are you." Frieda kisses Penny's neck. "I love you too."
They hold each other for a long time, before reluctantly parting, and sitting back down. Frieda can't take her eyes off Penny's stomach, where their child is growing. "I think," she says, wiping away some happy tears, "you are right - we do need to get some more outfits for you. And food - your diet weird enough already. God knows what it will be when you get cravings."
Penny smiles. "You're the first to know. No-one else knows about this yet - I figured you and I could sort out who we want to tell and when."
Frieda nods. "We can. Lot to do...but first..." She smiles.
"First what?"
"We celebrate," says Frieda with a grin, and they both rise to their feet and are in each other's arms again without any hesitation.
1
One Again:
Penny Valentine sits in the back of the ambulance, lost in thought. Frieda Petrenko sits opposite her, regarding Penny with a mix of curiosity and worry. Penny is furious. She's been gone for a month - more than enough time for Oliver to have manned up and confessed. But instead, she arrives home to find everything unchanged - Oliver's still there, no-one is any the wiser, and Penny is still locked in an impossible position. She had been confident - so confident - that Oliver would have done the right thing, but no - his natural cowardice had resurfaced and he'd weaselled out as usual.
"Everything okay?" Penny glances up at the sound of Frieda's voice. Frieda's tone is tentative, probing. She knows something is going on, but doesn't know what. "Most people are happy after vacation. But you...are tense. More uptight than usual, and that is saying lot."
Penny smiles at the friendly jibe. "It's nothing," she lies.
"This is something to do with why you left in first place, yes? Problem with brother. That...thing...you could not tell me about." Now there's an element of hurt in the voice. Penny can't really blame her - after all, she was always the one trying to convince Frieda to open up, and now she's doing the exact opposite.
But Penny can't tell her - she can't risk Frieda's career, not for anything. "Just a small family problem. It'll be sorted by the end of the day," she says uncertainly. One way or another, she thinks ruefully. Deep down she wonders if she actually has the strength to destroy her brother's career, or will she cover for him as she has her whole life. No. She isn't going to cover for him anymore - from now on, she puts herself first.
From the look on Frieda's face, Penny can tell that she isn't really buying this, but doesn't want to push the issue. Penny desperately wants to tell her, to confide in her, but holds back. There are other things she wants to tell Frieda - things she realised while on holiday. Things she's scared to say. Things she doesn't know HOW to say.
She tries running through some of things she wants to say in her head. Frieda, I love you. I fell for you a long time ago, but only just realised it. I knew I should have said something earlier, but I was scared. Scared of what I felt, scared you didn't feel the same way. I hope you DO feel the same way, but if you don't - it's okay just to be friends. I just want you in my life, Frieda Petrenko. Please don't freak out.
That sounded stupid, Penny thinks angrily. She glances up at Frieda, who's still eyeing her. Penny gives a small smile, realising what her behaviour since got back must look like. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I realise...I've been a bit rude since I got back."
Frieda raises an eyebrow. "A bit? I greet you at door, and as soon as you see brother, you're off without word, dragging him into locker room. This is longest conversation we've had since you got back."
"I'm sorry...I just really needed to talk to Oliver." Penny gives a small smile. "So...are you saying you missed me?"
Frieda shrugs and tries to appear nonchalant, but Penny can see the slight twinkle in her eye. "I've...gotten used to having you around. Was a little unsettling to not have you around." She pauses. "Also, how come brother rates postcard, and I don't?"
"You don't exactly strike me as the postcard type."
"I'm not, but seems like the stupid sort of thing you like. Think I deserve one as much as Oliver." Frieda smiles and her tone grows more serious. "You were gone long time...did you sort out everything you needed to?"
Penny looks at her for a moment, then nods. "Yes," she says confidently. "For the first time in a while, I know what I want."
Frieda purses her lips in thought. "Good," she says warmly. "I am glad." At that point, their eyes meet and Penny suddenly knows - she knows - that Frieda feels the same way as she does. The thought makes her heart jump and she almost blurts her feelings out there and then. She doesn't, though - they are, after all, on their way to the scene of a major accident. It wouldn't be appropriate. There'll be plenty of time later - after she's sorted out the Oliver problem, too.
As the ambulance pulls up to the accident site, and the two of them get out to start their work, that's the thought that runs through Penny's mind - later. She's going to tell Frieda Petrenko that she loves her, she's going to sort out the Oliver situation, and things are finally going to start working out for her.
Later.