disclaimer: Characters, planets,etc. are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd.
author: Dragoness of Fire
Title: Skywalking
SPOILER ALERT FOR STAR WARS MOVIE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH! Don't read if you haven't seen or read Movie III and don't wanna know until you do so.
Description: Through Anakin Skywalker's eyes...his thoughts of things that be and things to come
Normally I'm not a writer. I prefer action over words, but as a Jedi Knight, I am limited in my expression of my points of view, at least the negative ones. Well, not always. Sometimes I take the liberty of such regardless. It's something the Jedi Order will never take away from me as it is a part of the mere essence of me...having been born a slave and all. The freedom of speech and thought is something I desire to express freely as all freed slaves tend to do. The irony of that is the fact that I'm Jedi...sworn to control all this. What irony! My entire life is an irony actually. I was freed from slavery yet at times I feel I am bound by it once again. Rules and regulations seem to be natural confines of a society of any species. And at the same time, I can reflect back to that boy I once was and now say with pride, that I am one that I dreamed of...a Jedi Knight. Oops, a Jedi is not supposed to 'feel' pride. Pride leads to arrogance. Arrogance leads to... You know where I'd like to shove that?
And before I dive into my personal thoughts and ramblings, I will have you know that this was mostly Padme's idea...that I write what angers and frustrates me down. She says it might redirect some of my anger if I at least get it out somewhere rather than keep it bottled up inside me. Perhaps she's just sick of me constantly complaining to her? Or is it that she too, is saying without saying it...that I need anger management skills? I'll never know. She's a politician and politicians have a way of smooth talking and manipulating others to their own whims. It's okay though. I don't mind being 'whipped' by this particular Senator for I am married to her. Is that another 'effect' of love, that I willingly and without hesitation grovel at her feet so to speak? How I wish mother was still alive to inform me of some of the dealings of humanity. Whether she knew the answer to that or not is insignificant. It would just be the way she'd listen to me. Padme does, but I can't help but feel some of the politician in her. Though I'm sure on the flipside of that, she can't help but feel some of the Jedi in me. But she says I 'clam up' and distance myself from her more often than she does to me. I'm a Jedi! My life is riddled with irony and contradictions of reality! No wonder I clam up because I can't even figure out in my own head what I'm supposed to be thinking! Is that anger surging forth? Sorry...maybe I do need a little anger management. Strike that, I just need a little stress or tension relief. Padme better return from that Senate meeting soon.
Feelings forbidden. As a human, those very two words are irony in themselves. How Master Windu or Master Obi-Wan control theirs is beyond the rationale of this "ignorant boy from Tatooine." To be human is to feel. Perhaps it is easy for other species, but I simply can't, even with all the Jedi training, figure out how to be an unfeeling human. And I've been 'blessed' with perhaps the mightiest and rarest of all feelings...true love. Smitten through the heart and staked in the mind, love seems as strong if not stronger than The Force itself. Is it my fault or my weakness that I allowed such a feeling to conquer me? I had little control over it. To me, it seems as much my destiny as the events unfolding day by day. I followed its course...marriage eventhough marriage is forbidden to a Jedi as well. I fell in love with a politician. How quaint. It is simply another wave in my already ocean full of them. Her views and mine clash as often as the very Senate she is a part of. Perhaps it is my destiny to be the prime existence of ironies.
Attachments forbidden. I can see why. Whenever I am away from her, my mind is filled with her and how soon I can get back to her. And yet, I find myself excelling and testing my own boundries of abilities to get back alive and in one piece...just for her. I want to be able to protect her from anyone and anything. But now as I digress...does she need protecting from the very one who protects her? Fear leads to...nevermind, I've heard that lecture too many times to recite it here too.
I've let my feelings and attachment grow and swell within me. Anger, pride, hate...all fuel my ability to fight. Yet these are enemies to a Jedi and supposed pathways to the Dark Side. I simply can't understand how or why. Forged in battle, sharpened and honed in war...death, dying, sorrow, corruption, greed...I could go on. I've seen it all. Survival skills and instinct combine with the above feelings and allow me to live to fight again. I do it for a future...for whom or what I do not know anymore. Everything is becoming complex and intertwined. I used to think it for the Republic, for Padme, for all we believe in. But the very definition of such is becoming scewed. Even Padme has her doubts about things now. That can't be a good thing. All I know is it is something I must do...part of me. And yet another irony surges. I am happiest on the battlefield. I've been hardened by war. Killing is as natural as taking a breath of air. Early on, it bothered me. Now, it doesn't even phase me. It's just part of the job of winning the war. The only other place I am happier is by Padme's side, in private, in all our loving splendor. Well, to a Jedi, I suppose I shouldn't say 'happy' but rather 'most content' or some other ambiguous definition of a feeling that Jedi use to speak of a feeling without directly speaking about feeling a feeling. See how confusing it can be? And they expect an uneducated slave boy/podracer to understand that? I guess I'm semi-educated, having gone through the Jedi Academy during my training, but how much (or rather how little) I retained, even I wonder. History...boring. Planetary geography...boring. Politics...infuriatingly boring, but never mention that to Padme. Watch, she'll read this. It'll be yet another debate between us, but that's another matter. Back to lessons. About all I fared well in was my flight training, which I didn't need because I was already the best there was in a cockpit. Lightsaber training and technique...again, I'm a natural that excelled beyond mere training. Mock duels and combat...were teases and only made me hunger for the real thing. I have no competitor in physical skill. Obi-Wan bests me only in the mental game...as does Masters Yoda and Windu. But, with age comes wisdom and with wisdom, knowledge. As I age, if my mental skills exponentially develop as my physical ones have, I will eventually surpass them on this front too. I am intelligent. I just use it differently than others. I'm certainly not that ignorant, naive boy from Tatooine anymore. And I've never been innocent...to any fact of that word...just ignorant and naive. So I balk when I hear someone use that word with my name. Hear that Padme? If you do happen upon this, I AM speaking to you here. Besides, I think I've proved my lack of innocence several times now...in the bedroom...with only the dim light of the night as witness to our 'sessions.'
The Chosen One. I've heard many Jedi and others call me this. The 'chosen one' of what? Bring balance to the Force. How? Shouldn't I have some inkling of how to do this if I am the so-called "Chosen One?" How do you balance something if you only experience one side? Am I supposed to be some divine-like, all powerful Jedi that gives the "Light" side strength over the "Dark" side? I already know I'm the best there is, but I don't see how that brings balance to the Force. At least I haven't seen or felt any shift of it other than the looming growth of the Dark Side. Some Chosen One I am. I was never one to believe in prophecies anyway. I grew up believing in making my own luck, using my own skills, and forging my own path. I simply can't fathom some pre-planned existence of a being. Even my mother spoke of some immaculate conception to explain how I came to be. The Jedi use some fancy technical babble about midi-chlorians. Sorry mom and fellow Jedi, I can't believe either. I know of only two ways of conception...natural and bioscience-modified. How some little beasties that reside with me created me then stuck me within my mother just seems a bit far-fetched doesn't it? If they created me, why would I even need a mother to birth me? Wouldn't it be as easy as a cloning process? If some little unseen beasts can create life then they should be able to birth it too. That's why this theory doesn't fly with me.
Speaking of conception...Padme has informed me that I am to be a father. I am still unsure as to how I feel about this. Fear certainly, but indirectly to the point I wouldn't even label it as fear. I worry about her, the child within her...all of us. We will be disgraced...especially me for it will be obvious that I've engaged in things I know are forbidden to a Jedi...and with a Senator no less. But the looming emotion I feel when I think about all this is anger. Why do these rules and restrictions have to exist in the first place? I am a far better Jedi now, with Padme in my life than I would be without her. I don't consider it a weakness, but more of a strengthening force...for me at least. Obi-Wan had this discussion with me once...back in my Padawan days...about why Jedi can't marry. He said it is unfair to the spouse whom is left behind, wondering if their Jedi spouse would even return. And if children are produced, they could spend their life perhaps never knowing one of their parents. How is that different from what I've lived? I grew up in a single parent home. And how is that different from how the Jedi strip newborns who posses Force ability from their parents? It wouldn't be that way with my wife and child. While I may not be there on a regular basis for them, I will always return for they would be the driving force for me to return. In thinking ahead though, I do fear one thing. I do not want my child stripped from us if it does posses Force ability (which it probably will if I am the best there is). I'm sure Padme could put up a one-woman war though. She'd probably defend our child with more strength then even I could muster. I also do not wish my child to be brought up in war as I have been. Yet another reason I need to bring this war to an end. Yes, I said I. I'm walking a tightrope between factions...not Separatists verses Republic, but rather Senate verses Jedi verses Chancellor. The internal war is going to strip us first and foremost. In actuality, we are winning the war against the Separatists, but we'll lose it all if we're torn apart from within. And for some reason, I'm caught directly in the middle of the internal squabble. I don't even know who the greatest threat is anymore. The Separatists? The Chancellor? The Jedi Order? The Senate? Myself? I'd give my last good hand to someone who can give me a straight and true answer to that one.
Chosen One indeed. I've been 'chosen' to be a spy for the Jedi upon Chancellor Palpatine. I've been 'chosen' by Chancellor Palpatine to be his representative to the Jedi. And well, I'm married to a Senator, not just a Senator, but one of the leading voices within the Senate. Chosen again, though I must admit, the latter was of my own doing.
Denied status of 'Jedi Master.' I can outbest nearly every member on the Jedi Council in skill and yet they still deny me my rightful position as a 'Master.' Too unpredictable I am. Too reckless I am. Too filled with emotions. Too raw, too young...too something! That is all I hear. Haven't I proven myself time and time again in all their countless missions and saving of lives (some of theirs included)? What is it I have to do to prove myself to them? I've gone above and beyond any other Jedi. Or do they fear my strength and power? They'd fear it more if it was used against them. Wow, I should mind my thoughts there shouldn't I? That would be treason. Oh wait, I'm already performing things for them that could be considered treason. Now I've confused myself. All I know is that I'm being played by both sides like some pawn and I have no idea how to stop it without causing more strife for myself. The whole situation is becoming far too complex far too fast. I feel like a podracer at full speed headed straight for a mountain without no steering or brakes. I'm going to slam headlong into something. How hard or how fast, I'm not sure. I just know it's going to hurt.
"You'll always be that innocent boy from Tatooine." Oh how I wish she'd stop with that! I'm no innocent. I never was. No slave ever is. Boy? Hardly. I think that scar upon my face and swelling in her belly speaks proof that I'm no boy anymore. Yet both she and Obi-Wan continue to see me as such...a child. Sure, I'm younger than they are in years, but what warrants the child bit? Am I complaining too much? No more than any other who is fed up with this senseless war and internal squabbling. My maturity is evident physically and mentally. But I hold back now even as I write of this subject matter. If my mother were alive and right here with me, she'd have me by the ear or have given me some backslap. While I still miss her dearly, I am glad she's not around to teach Padme the "finer points" of reigning in this 'headstrong, arrogant' boy from Tatooine. Actually, come to think of it...Padme does a fine job of that without mother's assistance. Too bad Obi-Wan never listened to the wisdom of females when it came to training me. He might have had an easier time of it...though I still would've made him work hard for his money...or rather in Jedi terms...work hard for his status as Master and that cherished seat on the Jedi Council.
Obi-Wan. He's a friend and brother and father to me all in one. Yet, I feel we are growing distant. He and I are nearly direct opposites in our approaches to everything in life, yet it is that opposition that makes us such ideal partners. Together we are unstoppable and unbeatable. A perfect compliment to each others abilities. Apart, we are like to opposite ends of a magnet...constantly pulling away and causing friction with each other. I sensed early on that he took me as his apprentice only to appease his late Master's will. Perhaps that is what started some of our friction. I don't like to be where or with whom I'm not wanted. It makes me feel like a slave again...merely there to do a service for someone else. At least Watto had use for me and made me feel I had some value. Podracing further emphasized that. I knew I was meant to be something more than what I was...something great...something upon galactic recognition. To this day I'm still not exactly sure what that is, but I'm faring pretty well now...as one of if not the most feared Jedi Knight in the Order. Master Yoda and Master Windu are both strong in their own rights, but have much to lose as does the Order itself. Galactic baddies know this. So they doubt they will ever face one of them. Obi-Wan is among mention too, though he is still better known for his ability to investigate. If you don't want to be found out...avoid Obi-Wan. Then there's me. I can come at them anytime, anywhere, and for any reason. I can't be bested in a starfighter. I can't be bested in a fight. I can be outthought, but usually that just pisses me off and I end up besting them in whatever form of brawl it becomes. A Jedi who teeters at the edge of the Dark Side. Yes, I'd fear such as well. Perhaps I do fear myself. Fear...another emotion a Jedi is not supposed to have, yet more and more do as this war drags on. Hmm, this subject matter was supposed to be Obi-Wan and yet I spun it back to me again haven't I? I'm good at that. Not sure why, but not something I find worthy of pondering. I do wish I could share everything with Obi-Wan...even my secret marriage and upcoming fatherhood. It's what brothers or father and son would normally do. But Obi-Wan is too embedded in the "Jedi Way." Sadly, I guess this puts a strain on our friendship. I don't believe the "Jedi Way" is always the "Right Way." In times of war, rules and regulations are thrown out the window. Desperate measures sometimes must be taken...whether they conform to one's lifestyle or not. It's called adapt and survive. One must always be one step ahead of his/her enemy in order to survive and succeed.
"I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be. I want more. And I know I shouldn't." I said this to Padme. My exact words. I can feel it. Something's wrong. Why am I not satisfied? Why do I want more? Where will this lead me? Perhaps that will be subject matter for my next entry?
And so I draw this entry to a close. I think by writing them down, I've seen my own perspective from the outside in rather than from the inside out. Perhaps I'll add to this at another time. If anything, regardless of what happens to me...I hope this may survive and that my child will one day understand his/her father's inner turmoils. But for now, as I hear Padme return...this datapad is of little interest to me.
A. Skywalker