Selena and Zedd Breakup - a close source tells all!

Selena Gomez: Still in Love with Justin Bieber?

Gomez Pregnancy Scare Reason for Zelena Breakup!

Selena Gomez Can't Get Over Her Ex!

It's nauseating enough just reading the titles of those stories; I don't even want to see the full articles. I can't believe all these ridiculous stories about me are being published every day. What bothers me the most, though, is that—to some extent—most of them are true.

The breakup with Zedd is mostly true. It started out as a publicity stunt, the way it did with Justin, and then Zedd and I actually became good friends, and it wasn't so bad calling him my boyfriend after awhile. It was fun, but eventually, it became clear that I just couldn't connect with him on a deeper level. He started to notice I was holding back, but being the great guy that he is, he just thought he had to step up more.

He would bring me flowers and candy, create special mixes just for me, plan surprise dates… but it just wasn't what my heart wanted. It's been a few months, and it's still not what my heart wants. I don't miss him in that romantic way, but I am glad we're still friends. He's been a really great friend in my personal life and a great colleague for music advice. He's just not someone I want to have that intimate connection with, and he thinks I'm too in love with Justin to take a chance on someone new.

As for the pregnancy scare with Justin, it was awful. I was a wreck for days until I got the clearance from the from the test results. The last thing I want is to be tied to Justin for the rest of my life. I may have stated before that I want to be a young mother, but I also would like that to be with the right person. Justin does not fit that category. He doesn't even know how to take care of himself right now, so how could he be trusted with a child? He likes to fix his problems by swiping his Black Card. You can't just throw money at a newborn.

Honestly, he's a good person deep down, under the fame and fortune, but I was never in love with him. It's something the tabloids, and most people in the industry, always got wrong.

We did the back-and-forth because it was easy. We know a lot about each other that most other people don't. I always went back to him because I know I have no one else. Sure, there are random guys who throw themselves at me, but with Justin came familiarity. We've been friends since we were teenagers. It's better going off with him and knowing it'll never work out, than going with someone new who wants it to work out but doesn't know that it really won't.

It'll never truly work out with anyone. The one person I want more than anything hasn't wanted me back in over five years. I've given up hope that I'll ever find anyone who will hold my heart the way she does.

"Sel?"

"Hey," I whisper, trying to keep my voice down from my driver and parents in the front of the blacked-out Suburban.

We're sitting in traffic after having a quiet night out to dinner, and just seconds ago, I let my fingers punch a number that I haven't dialed in months. I try not to keep her number saved. It's just more temptation when I see her name in my contacts.

"How are you?" I ask.

She sighs on the other end. It's been so long, I can't even tell whether it was good or bad.

It's awkward. The pleasantries are always awkward these days, but I can't help putting myself through it just to talk to her.

"I'm doing really well right now. I'm just trying to keep up with the diet my personal trainer has me on. I actually cook a lot with—with…"

My brows furrow as I wince and pull my lips between my teeth. She knows I hate hearing her talk about him. I hate everything about him. The sad part is that I know he's such an amazing, kind-hearted person who really does deserve her. He's good for her—for her recovery. She needs someone who is willing to take every step with her, be there for her when she hates the world, and show her what love looks like.

I hate that I abandoned her, and that he took my place beside her. He became her best friend and her lover—two things I thought I'd always have secured when it came to her. It's his fault that she and I haven't been the same. I let him be better than me.

"I miss you," I tell her, swallowing the guilt collecting in my throat.

"Selena," she starts, her tone soft, "don't do this right now."

I sigh, frustrated, and sink further into the bench seat. She always adopts that tone whenever I tell her I miss her—as if because she doesn't say it back anymore, she's afraid I'll shatter. Sometimes I feel like I might.

She tells everyone we're still best friends. It's obvious only to us that we're not. We haven't been in years.

We went from being best friends for seven years, to slowly crossing that line into something more, to being in love… and then to nothing over the course of the next eight years.

We agreed to lie to the public because it's just easier that way. Neither of us is in a position to hash up our past to the media. It's too painful, too fragile. It'd be the only thing they'd remember about us from then on—"The Two Disney Stars Who Had A Lesbian Love Affair". We'd never hear the end of it. It would tear me up inside to have to constantly be bombarded with questions about it.

There are only a handful of people I've trusted enough to share my past with as an adult. Taylor, obviously, was the first industry friend I told. She was a really great first choice. She never made me feel like it was some dark, dirty secret that I should lock away forever. She talks to me about it like we're all just normal people, not like we're celebrities with the scoop on each other.

The next time I told someone new was rather recent. I met Cara Delevingne through some mutual friends. I quickly learned how fun and lively she is, and we became fast friends.

During a time when we hung out alone, she told me about her relationship with her ex-girlfriend. The words about my past seemed to just slip right out of my mouth. Cara tends to have that affect on people. She's so easy to talk to that my sudden decision didn't surprise me at all.

Although my relationship with my ex was a little more complicated than hers, that day really brought us closer together. Shortly after, we developed a fling that seemed to unintentionally snag Hollywood's attention. She was sweet, and funny, and I felt good when I was around her—like it didn't matter that the world speculated on the extent of our relationship. All that mattered was that we were happy in the moment and had fun spending time together.

However, there was always that nagging thought of what does she think about it all, until I got an earful.

"Selena she's just using you. You know that, right?"

I shake my head before realizing she can't see me through the phone. "You don't even know her well enough to be making that kind of accusation."

"I know that she plows through people like there's no fucking tomorrow!"

"God, can you stop yelling? My hearing just fine, Demi," I complain as I lower the volume on my iPhone.

She sighs. It's something we both do often while talking to each other. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I know things aren't great between us, but that doesn't mean I don't care about—"

"Stop," I interject. I don't want to hear about how much she 'cares' about me. "You don't get to pick and choose who I spend my time with. I don't even get to do that, because if I did, we both know where I'd be right now."

I admit, it was a low blow, but I just want her to stop the act. She's jealous and she doesn't have a right to voice it to me. I don't do it to her, to show respect for her relationship with her boyfriend.

She was my first heartbreak. It's been five whole years and I still have a dull ache in my chest whenever I think about anything related to love.

I love her. I love her with every fiber of my being, but it's not enough. My actions spoke louder than my words during the time she needed her rock the most. I let her down, and she might have forgiven me, but I never will.

She needed my help and I just… ran. I was scared, confused, and hurt because I knew she was feeling all those emotions and more. I still ran. I was a coward.

As I read the card in my hands for the umpteenth time, I realize I'm still a coward because I still can't bring myself to be there for her on one of the most important days of her life.

Save the Date!

Demetria D. Lovato & Wilmer E. Valderrama

Request your presence as they exchange vows

September 2nd, 2016 at 2pm

1345 N. Oxford Road

Dallas, Texas

Reception to follow

A/N: I don't know what this is.