Chapter 1 - Of Wizards and Hobbits

Scene opens on the Defense Against the Dark Arts room already filled with students, chattering and milling about.

Hermione: Shouldnt we all sit down and be quiet? Maybe we should start studying the text book, that way we might actually know what is being taught.

Harry: Actually, i really think someone should try to go find the new teacher. It's been 15 minutes since class was supposed to start. What if something has happened?

Ron: If something has actually happened the last thing we should do is go out wandering the halls.

In walks Gandalf, whistling "The Road Goes Ever On."

Gandalf: Good afternoon, my dear Hobbits.

Hermione: Excuse me, sir, but we are not Hobbits, and you are 15 minutes late.

Gandalf looks both very confused and a bit disgruntled.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late... well, actually, people are always telling me that i am late. But in actual fact, i have arrived precisely when i meant to. And by all appearances you are indeed Hobbits.

Ron: (mutters to Harry) I like that line about wizards never being late. I should keep that for Snape's class.

Harry: What's a Hobbit?

Gandalf: It would take me a month to explain that, Mr.... (pulls out his name chart) Potter. There, see, you are a Hobbit. Hobbits are excellent potters. Let me see, who else is here? Finnigan, Goyle, Granger. Where are the Bagginses and Boffins? The Bolgers? Brandybucks? The Gamgees and the Gardners? Not even Proudfeet? Oh! Here's one. Longbottom... ah, Longbottom, yes.

Everyone looks around confused, having never heard of Baggins, Boffins, Bolgers, Brandybucks, Gamgees, or Proudfeet.

Gandalf: So, i am supposed to teach you how to defend yourselves against the Dark Arts, am i? I would first like to know why exactly this place is called a school of wizardry. One can not learn magic. Why are they sending Hobbits here? Hobbits may be amazing creatures, but they are not magic. And where are the elves? One would think there would surely be elves here to assist with the magic.

Hermione: Elves are not permitted to practice magic, sir.

Gandalf: (outraged) What?! But they are magic by their very nature! How could they not be permitted to practice magic?!

Hermione: I agree completely, Professor Gandalf! Would you like to join S.P.E.W. - The Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare?

Gandalf: Elves? Needing to be protected by Hobbits? Oh, what has the world come to?! I would certainly aid you in your quest to defend the elves!

Hermione looks very smug, what else is new.

Ron and Harry groan.

Gandalf: Why are elves not permitted the use of their magic?

Ron: Because they are annoying and weird little gits!

Gandalf: What is a 'git'? Are you referring to Figwit?? I never met a little elf before. Granted, i have met some extremely annoying and weird elves. Are these all relations of Elrond, these annoying elves?

Harry: (to Ron) I think we are going to be doing more teaching than Professor Gandalf is.

Gandalf: Well, it would be wise if i go now to organize a council on the matter of this elvish oppression. I can see why they want to teach Hobbits to defend against the Dark Arts. If elves are in such plight, Sauron must have pried the preci... the One Ring, from Gollum's melting grasp.

Harry: Sau-who?

Gandalf: Sauron is the darkest, most evil of all the Maiar. He was a servant of Morgoth in first age. I thought they taught you history in this institution... have you not even studied the great Professor J. R. R. Tolkien's Silmarillion?

No one has any clue what he is talking about... Ron and Harry look over at Hermione, expecting to see her hand fly upward to recite the whole book, but even Hermione was perplexed.

Gandalf shakes his head wearily.

Gandalf: Alright, i want everyone to get a copy of the following books: The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King, and if you are wise you will pick a copy of the Tolkien Reader and A Guide to Middle-earth as well.

Hermione: You really should have assigned these books when we got our start of term letters, Professor Gandalf.

Gandalf: Well, i had assumed that they would have taught you something here! Do any of you even speak Sindarin?

Everyone: (stares blankly)

Gandalf: Quenuvalye i lamber Eldareva?

Stares only grow blanker, if that is possible.

Gandalf: Fine. Fine. Let us not waste our entire hour. Let me see... defense... the first thing you will need to know is how to kill an orc. Please bring forth your swords or bows.

Ron looks terrified.

Ron: I didnt know we were supposed to buy swords. Why do we need swords???

Hermione: Professor! We do not have swords and bows!

Gandalf: Axes?

Hermione: We are children, we are not permitted to own weapons like that.

Gandalf: Children? Mighty tall Hobbits then aren't you? You haven't all been into Treebeard's Entdaught have you? May i ask how you do defend yourselves when confronted with the forces of evil?

Hermione: Ask Harry. He has defeated Lord Voldemort once a year every single year since we got here!

Gandalf: Who is this Lord Voldemort?

Everyone: WHO IS LORD VOLDE... (most of the trail off when they realize they almost say his name.)

Harry: Lord VoldeMORT is the most powerful and evil wizard.

Gandalf: (under his breath, Seinfeld-esque) Saruman!

Hermione: Professor Gandalf, may i demonstrate?

Gandalf: (mutters) Finally, someone else is going to take charge. (Out loud) Please, do, my young Hobbit.

Gandalf sits down.

Hermione: (annoyed) We aren't Hobbits... whatever they are.

Hermione demonstrates for Gandalf a few of the more complicated spells.

Ron: (mutters) Show-off.

Gandalf: That is very curious! What is that stick you are brandishing about? Some sort of bowl-less pipe?

Hermione: (getting frustrated) It's a wand, Professor. I told you, we are too young to smoke, not that we would want to anyway.

Gandalf: Non-sense! I have never heard of a Hobbit not smoking! Why, old Bilbo and i must have smoked barrels of Southfarthing weed. Now, mind you, Peregrin and Meriadoc were far more fond of it than any Hobbits i have ever encountered. (Laughs reminiscently) Never shall i forget the day Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and i found the little fellows sitting there at flooded Isengard. Speaking of Isengard, why does Saruman now call himself Voldemort? And how does this young Hobbit encounter him?

Harry: I dont know who Saruman is, but Lord Voldemort's real name is Tom Riddle.

Gandalf: Tom Riddle?? Yes... Riddles in the Dark. Well, that almost makes sense, but please do not tell me that old Tom Bombadil is involved in this.

Harry: I'm sure he's not, Professor. (Says Harry in an attempt to shut Gandalf up.)

Gandalf: Well, tell me then, how did you manage to defeat Saruman? Do you have the power to summon the Eagle-lords as well?

Harry: I don't think so, but then, i didnt know i was a parsel-tongue either. Though i did have help from Professor Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes, once.

Gandalf: (Dubiously) You dont hang around Radagast, do you?

Harry: Who?

Gandalf: Never mind... You, Longbottom!

Neville looks scared at Gandalf's sudden notice of him.

Neville: Ye-yes, Professor?

Gandalf: Look, everyone stop calling me professor, it's really annoying. I have been called everything from Olorin of the West to (shudder) Gand-dude. Just call me Gandalf, ok? Just Gandalf! Anyway, have you got any pipeweed with you, young Hobbit. I think i need a smoke more than anything right now.

Neville: (looking really confused) I don't have any weeds, Prof... uh... Gandalf.

Gandalf: Athelas?

Neville: Huh?

Gandalf: Nevermind. Just make sure you send for some from home. I havent had Longbottom leaf in ages... literally!

Neville stares and nods dumbly. The entire Slytherin side of the room is cackling about Gandalf.

Gandalf: You all seem to know what pipeweed is!

Malfoy: (whispers, not very quietly) Our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is a stoner! Wait until father hears this!

Hermione: I reluctantly agree with Malfoy. This elderly man is not qualified to teach this class. He is clearly delusional.

Ron: I like him. We havent had to do any work, at this rate we wont have any all year. He doesnt have Voldemort stuck to the back of his head. He's not a self-obsessed git, he's not a werewolf -

Harry stares angrily at Ron.

Ron: Sorry, Harry, i dont mean that in a bad way... He's not a lunatic pretending to be a... lunatic. And there isnt a trace of pink in here. Though, the swords are a little unnerving....

Gandalf: Well, i suppose you can all leave now. There is nothing further for us to discuss just now. Remember to get those books. I believe i must have a wizards council with this Dumbledore fellow. You have learned nothing here and this hour's allotment is far too hasty. Be prepared for a lesson in ringwraiths and barrow-wights tomorrow!

Hermione: (starting to panic) Ring-whos? Barrow-whats?? How can we prepare when we don't even know what they are?!