Recommended:If This Isn't Love - Jennifer Hudson

A/N: A glance of a day in the life of Bella Swan...after Edward leaves her.

--

I thought things would be perfect.

That he'd love me forever.

I never felt like this before.

I guess it was just a silly wish. I mean, real love doesn't exist. Not for me anyway.

Just a dream.

--

I blinked.

Slowly.

Then I did it again.

Finally, I just closed my eyes and fell back to bed.

I gave up.

I had been trying to lift myself from my bed for days now. It wasn't happening. My body and soul were not in tune at all. I had given myself completely, wholly to the man who had just walked away from me, who hadn't loved me at all.

He'd fooled me.

He lied.

Simply, my world was shattered.

Nothing made sense anymore. It wasn't even like up is down just--confusion. And pain. There was plenty of that to go around. Only, I had no one to dump this on. It was all for me and I had more or less accepted this fate.

The clock flashed 10:10. I didn't care.

I wasn't even hungry. There was no reason to get up except to the bathroom. There was no reason at all.

I sighed quietly.

It did not relieve the ache in my chest. It never lessened, no matter what I did.

Staring at my cracked ceiling, I contemplated how I truly felt. Was it suppose to hurt so bad? Would it change? I didn't know my heart anymore. It beat on without my understanding. I thought that all of the cracks and rips would have stopped the blood pumping through.

I raised my hand to my face, only to drop it limply back onto the bed. There was no point in wiping the tears away. They'd dry and start up again over and over. It didn't seem to help at all. I cried in vain.

But I didn't deserve the tears. Tears were suppose to be healing this hole in my soul. The tears were a waste. I was drowning in them. The only one who could heal my soul, rescue me from this continuous torrent, was simply him.

Edward.

Oh God, his name sent sharp pain through me. I sucked in a quick breath. I felt like passing out.

"Why...." I whispered weakly through cracked lips.

I just wanted to die. I wanted to get through with the inevitable now, this very second.

But a part of me couldn't do it. I couldn't end my life. Even if I had given up, I still had Charlie and Renee to think about. They'd be crushed if I...did that. I was a shell now, yes, but a shell that they could hold and kiss and try desparately to reassure, comfort.

I wasn't that cold.

I rolled over and rediscovered a side of my room. I was staring at my closet with blank eyes.

And then my vision was clouded again.

I can't stop thinking about him! Everything reminds me of what we had. He used to hide in that closet if Charlie poked his head in at night. I'd always laugh at the most obvious hiding place. But Charlie was wonderfully dense about it. He trusted me for the most part.

I don't even trust myself.

I cried myself to sleep, my hands gripping the cold sheets tight.

--

From the first time he said he loved me, I just knew he wasn't seeing me clearly.

There was no way that he, the epitome of beauty and perfection, could ever want mousy, plain me. It wasn't logical at all. My only strong points were my brains and maybe my eyes. But other than that, I was the least prettiest girl in the school, and clumsy to boot. He had to be playing with me.

But time went on and he was still there, in love as ever. I couldn't believe my crazy luck. Something had actually gone right for once. I found myself wishing I had left for Forks sooner. I even pinched myself to make sure I was awake.

I was.

And then I found out that he more special then he had let on. Vampire. The word sent chills down my spine, even now in my current state. I couldn't believe it. He was a dream come true, my own prince charming. The whole vampire thing was a shock but it was who he was. And I loved who he was. I didn't even care if he turned into a bat at night and slept in a coffin. As long as he was mine, I was happy and floating on air.

All good things come to an end.

I wasn't so stupid as to think this would last. For me, a couple of minutes of this fairytale was enough. Really, I was becoming spoiled.

I just hadn't imagined this pain. I had gotten way too attached to something so fleeting and uncertain as Edward Cullen.

Ow.

Beyond my wildest dreams, he had shown up and was mine. And then he found out what I had been telling him all along, what I had hoped he would never realize. And then, because of that, he left.

And here I was.

Alone.

Broken.

My wings were clipped and I had no hope of ever flying high again, of flying at all.

And I was not ok. I never would be.

--

Charlie entered my room, not even bothering to knock. I wouldn't have answered.

He had soup in a bowl for me on a tray. He set it on my table and walked over to me.

He touched my head softly, just making sure I was there. He knew I wasn't sick like that. This was something he couldn't fix. Him being here helped a little bit though.

"Bella please, come downstairs today. You don't have to talk. I just..." Charlie pleaded with me, touching my hair.

My eyes did not slip away from the closet.

Charlie cleared his throat and stood.

"I miss you Bella. I know you are stronger than this. Fight, dammit!"

The soup was cold and untouched when he came back twenty minutes later.

He gathered the tray silently and went to my door.

"Dad...." I croaked as quiet as a mouse.

Charlie froze in his tracks.

"Yeah baby?"

"Thanks." I sighed, sinking back into my pillows.

Charlie nodded quickly. "Of course."

He wiped away a tear as he left my room again.

That was the first time I had spoken to him in weeks. If I had been ok, I would have felt guilty.

But I only felt this endless pain and sorrow.

It'd never end, would it? Even if he came back...ha. If.

Never.

--

I was walking around today. It wasn't easy. I didn't fake a smile for Charlie's sake. We had to take this slowly. Any second now I could break into a million tiny pieces. I wasn't sure if I could pick myself up after that. Charlie knew that.

"Hey, how's a sandwich sound for lunch?" I heard Charlie ask me.

"Fine." My voice sounded hollow. Pitiful.

"Ok Bells." Charlie answered, happier than he'd been in days.

Did I feel bad about that? I wasn't sure.

I stared at the TV. There was a stupid wrestling match on. Someone was losing. I didn't know who they were.

"Gah!" I gasped quietly, grabbing at my chest. My heart...my heart...it felt like something had burst open and I was bleeding. It was killing me.

I knew nothing was physically wrong with my heart. It was in my mind.

Not now.

I wondered what had set it off this time.

I sighed, curling into the fetal position. I had an urge to suck my thumb.

Ah. He used to watch TV with Charlie. God.

I couldn't think of anything but him. The one thing that hurt me, I had to obsess over. Of course.

But as it was, I felt nothing but this crazy pain. It was more than just an ache in my chest. And I couldn't do anything about it.

I feel you. I thought as one guy was slammed into the floor.

The doorbell rang and Charlie went to go answer it.

We weren't expecting anyone. I couldn't bring myself to care who it was though.

"Bella."

Oh. It was for me.

My eyes slid over to Charlie. Then they narrowed. Someone was standing behind Charlie.

"Bella."

My eyes widened. So familiar....

"Oh." I gasped.

Alice came flying at me before I could think. I flinched as her cold hands touched mine. I had been away from her so long that it startled me.

"Sorry, sorry." Alice quickly apologized.

Charlie walked out of the room quietly.

I swayed a little on the couch.

"Whoa, careful Bella." Alice reached out.

Her hands this time didn't startle. Nothing felt as cold as I did this moment.

"What--"

"I didn't see it coming at all. Edward left as soon as we moved. I tried to talk to him but we were so split apart. And then, this happens.."

I blinked at her. What was she talking about?

"Bella, he's left for Italy. Volterra actually. I begged him to stop being stupid but he thinks if he removes himself from the picture, you'll have a safe and normal life."

"Volturi." I breathed.

Oh no. Edward, don't do it.

"We have to stop him now Bella. He won't listen to me and his phone is trashed. He tried to get them to kill him but they said no. He's planning on stepping into the sunlight. That will agitate them. Volterra is their home. They have no wish for humans to know of our existence."

I had to save him. He had saved me so many times and it was now my turn. Even if he had slashed my heart over and over, I still loved him with everything I had. I couldn't let him go. It would kill me and I don't know how I'd survive. I wouldn't. My world would truly be over.

Love, life, meaning, over. Done.

Again.

Only this time it would be permanent.

I'd have the vampires drink my blood and kill me next to him if I had to.

The mere thought of Edward not existing hurt so bad.

But why? Why would he even think of doing this? I was no where near him. He got what he wanted. Why do this?

He didn't love me anymore. He said so.

I stared at Alice. Her wide, golden eyes stared into my flat, brown ones.

"Why would he do this." My throat felt thick.

Alice gripped my hands tighter. "Bella, what did he say to you?! He loves you for God's sake. He's going crazy over protecting you. I can't talk him out of it. Only you Bella. It was always you."

Me. Simple, plain Jane, me. I was responsible for this suicidal vampire who I happened to be irrevocably in love with.

When did things get so complicated?

I didn't care.

He needed me right now. I would reach him in time.

I just had to.

There were no if's, and's, or but's about it.

Edward had to be forever. Even if I wasn't what he wanted.

The world would make no sense.

I squeezed Alice's hands back and she smiled grimly at me.

Life and death. Same.

Love and hate. Held no meaning for me.

Edward was everything. I was nothing without him.

I was coming Edward.