Don't take this story seriously! Seriously! It is meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek. And to be honest, I have no qualms about vegan diets. I just like my meat. I'm more of a Paleo-gal, myself. But seriously! Non-GMO FTW. That two-pound strawberry you are eating went through the SOLDIER program for strawberries. Let that thought plague you all day long! BWAHAHAHAHAHA

(actually, ladies and gentlemen, I might be a little big sleep deprived after taking care of three sick children, who have been taking turns with keeping me up for the past 36 hours. I might be a bit manic right now.)

Oh, and I guess I don't own any of this stuff. #disclaimer

Professor Gast was ecstatic. Never had a discovery of this magnitude been made in the history of Shinra! He'd read all about them, studied their works, their architecture… surely this frozen body, found in a two-thousand-year-old stratum in the Northern Crater was a Cetra! He couldn't wait to get started. Theories buzzed around in his head, plans came together. They would be able to pull DNA samples, study physiology, study stomach contents. He would finally be able to prove that the Ancients had been vegans and launch his own line of Non-GMO products!

"Oh, ho ho! That's no ancient!" The elderly scientist who he had befriended laughed as he looked down at the blueberry Cetra popsicle. "It looks nothing like an ancient. Looks more like an alien life form known as the Calamity from the Sky, oh, ho ho!"

Gast looked back at the half-buried body. "You sure? I don't remember reading about that…"

The old man bounced on the ball that he was somehow magically floating on and laughed again. "Oh, ho ho! That is because you haven't read my newest book! 10 Amazing Facts You Don't Know About the Cetra: Now with pictures!" He pulled a copy of the book, already signed, out of his flowing robes. Gast wondered for a moment how he had managed to carry such a heavy tome in a garment with no pockets but decided he didn't want to know. Sometimes, knowledge was a burden.

Gast took the book, flipping through it casually and looking at the pictures before he read the words. While he did so, he queried, "How do you know all of this?"

"Oh, ho ho!" Bugenhagen laughed. "I'm ancient! You know everything once you are my age."

A picture of a particularly gruesome figure covered the next page, and Gast stopped and read the picture. "So, this isn't a Cetra, but a 2000-year-old bacteria culture capable of mind control and sailing the cosmos with this planet as its vessel?"

The spry old ball-flying man nodded with his trademark laugh. "Oh, ho ho!(TM) Indeed it is. I would just cover this one with anti-bacterial and cover it back up if I were you. Besides, Your apprentice, Hojo, is looking a little sickly. In the brain. Oh, ho ho!"

"Hojo? Hum, I suppose you have a point," Gast conceded. Hojo was a little off-kilter. There was no doubt that the crazy apprentice would start producing GMO's left and right. GMO Fruits, GMO Meats, GMO People… It would totally crash Gast's dream of a non-GMO health food chain…

"Besides," Bugenhagen continued, "If you want to study a full-blooded ancient, I know where a sweet one is. Nice gal. Well shaped. Vegan."

Gast perked up at that. "Truly? Well, I sure would like to study her!"

"Oh, ho ho!" Bugenhagen laughed.

After that, Gast ordered a tanker full of hand sanitizer and dynamite, marked off the area as bio-hazardous waste, covered the whole thing up, and went on a blind date.

Hojo never learned about the disease lurking in the 2000-year-old strata. Bugenhagen's book went on to become a best seller. Gast Faremis quit science and wrote a popular series of vegan cookbooks with his new wife, Ifalna. They now own a non-GMO ranch and farm near Kalm-town.

Bugenhagen also taught the Shinra corporation about renewable resources and how they were essentially free energy that didn't kill the planet.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.