A/N: I am not JK Rowling, I do not own Harry Potter or anything else referenced in this fic, and I'm pretty sure that last time I checked, I wasn't William Shakespeare. Though I could be mistaken.
A short time ago, in a Universal Studios boardroom far far away a small group of film executives was gathered.
"I have the pitch of a lifetime," one faceless, soulless corporate shell of a man said excitedly. "What if we make a Shakespearean adaptation of the Harry Potter films? We pitch it as cultural for the people who like that sort of thing, and Harry Potter for the people who like that. We can't lose!"
"Promising," replied the even more horrible chief executive. "Give some examples."
"Well..."
It is a dark night in London, but the lights burn brightly in 12 Grimmauld Place. It has been several days since Kreacher went out in search of Mundungus Fletcher, and the Golden Trio are beginning to become nervous.
Harry: A Horcrux! A Horcrux! My kingdom for a Horcrux!
Kreacher enters from stage right
Kreacher: Withdraw, my master; I'll help you to a Horcrux.
Mundungus Fletcher appears, stinking drunk. He proceeds to burn the portrait of Walburga Black, then begins urinating on it
"Hold on, what does that have to do with the scene from Richard III?"
"Nothing. I just always hated the old bat."
"Next scene, please."
It is just before the final battle, and Harry is giving a speech to the troops (Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, Ginny, and extras)
Harry: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, or close up the wall with our Hogwarts dead.
Luna: Honestly, Harry, I would think you'd have more faith. Besides, there aren't nearly enough of us to be able to use our corpses to block any sizeable breach in the walls.
Harry: But in it we shall be remembered- we few, we happy few, we band of brothers
Hermione, Ginny, and Luna groan
Harry: And sisters
Hedwig hoots
Harry: And owls
"Hold on, didn't Hedwig die?"
"Hear me out. What if she used a time turner and a stuffed owl doll to fake her demise, thus fooling Voldemort into thinking that she was harmless, which would allow her to seek out the snake and-"
"Right, that's enough of that. Too silly. Next scene."
Harry has just finished watching Snape's Pensieve memories
Harry: To be or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream, ay, there's the rub; for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause
Aside Though they certainly can't be worse than my normal, Voldemort-induced nightmares. And I'd get to see Mum, Dad, and Sirius again. You know, this is sounding less and less terrible the more I think about it.
"Well, that started well, but the depressing aside was a bit out of character. And it was super depressing. Anything lighter-hearted?"
"How do you feel about Romeo and Juliet?"
Tonks: Lupin, Lupin, wherefore art thou Lupin? Deny thy lycanthropy and refuse thy name; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I'll never be of the family Black
Remus: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
Tonks: Tis but thy modesty that is my enemy; thou art well a dead sexy beast
She begins to take off her clothes
"Right, stop that. Stop that right there. It was good until you started turning it NC-17. Any more of that and this would be NSFW. Other than that..."
"Masturbatory fantasy that thousands of sweaty fanboys and girls would dearly love to see?"
"Yeah, that. Until that happened, it was great. Romeo and Juliet might work."
"If you liked that bit..."
In the forbidden forest, Voldemort has just killed Harry. Hermione stumbles across his body, duels and kills Voldemort, then pulls out a flask of potion
Hermione: Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss. Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide! Here's to my love! O true potions' cabinet! Thy poisons are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
"Hold on, don't Ron and Hermione end up together? And Harry with Ginny?"
"Not the way it should happen."
"Right, that's it. You're fired."
In a bed in a cottage very far away from the boardroom, Harry and Hermione were talking.
"Hermione, I heard a sound as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."
"Harry, what gave you that nasty bite this morning?"
"A Reference Rodent of Unusual Size."
"A Reference Rodent of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
"They're a distant cousin of the Plot Bunny."
"Harry?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Go back to sleep."
"As you wish."