This is not a traditional Valentine's happy story, but it does leave some room for hope. If you're reading my Seven Habits series then this might give you some ideas for what's coming in that, but it can also be read as a stand alone. I still haven't gotten over Tex dying so I keep coming up with conversations I hope he had before he died, and this was one of them.
**Nho (Missing You), Andy Quach featuring Thai Foon**
Ray stuck close to Burk and Miller, not wanting to get separated in the confusing knot of buildings, vendor tents, and side alley's that made up the Hai Phong wharf area. He considered himself pretty good with directions but all the buildings were the same two story cinder block construction and without landmarks, after a few minutes of walking he was pretty sure it would be a challenge to make it back to the ship. Although it was easier to red the signs here than in China, he still got confused by all the unfamiliar accent marks on the letters. Nervous excitement at being picked for this thank you dinner mixed with disappointment that he couldn't spend his evening of leave doing his own thing. His stomach rumbled a little. They had just passed a collection of street vendors with mouthwatering smells of grilled meats wafting from their carts. Or maybe that nervous feeling was land-sickness. Miller had been teasing him about it ever since he had hurled three times while on dock duty in Indonesia.
He slipped his phone out of his pocket and swiped a finger over the screen to check the cell reception. He grinned to himself in relief when three bars showed. These days, three bars was unusually good. He wasn't surprised to see that he had three messages from Brie, two from Mrs. Foster, and none from Kat.
"You better put that away before the C.O. sees you." Miller advised quietly. "We haven't been given leave yet."
"Yeah, if he sees it, he's likely to confiscate it. You know he's been ornery this whole trip." Lt. Green added.
Burk snorted. "He's been out of sorts since Garth and Riley took the twins and left St. Louis for Fort Leonard Wood."
"I believe gentlemen," The sonorous voice of the Master Chief interrupted their lighthearted commentary. "You are mistaken. Commander Slattery has always been that way. So I am telling you, put the phone away or I will take it."
Ray sighed and slipped it back into his pocket. He would have ignored Miller but he felt like he still needed to make a good impression on Burk and Master Chief. He was the only new recruit on this trip and it was purely because Jeter had argued that he'd shown he was ready after the trip to Pascagoula. And Burk was still the VBSS team leader so if he wanted to earn a spot on his team eventually, he needed to suck it up and play along.
Their guide opened a door labeled with large lettering. Loud music and flashing lights spilled out of the club, surprising them all. "Is this what official thank you's are usually like?" Ray asked no one in particular. He had been expecting a stuffy dinner requiring his best manners to keep his brand new dress whites clean. He hoped they had some bar food inside because the wavy feeling in his gut was intensifying.
After a short discussion with the guide, the C.O. led them inside. Once it was clear that the party was in their honor, Slattery relaxed and sent them all to find their fun. Miller nudged him toward the bar with his elbow. "Come on, I'll buy you your first beer."
"Ha ha, they said drinks were on the house."
Miller kept walking toward the bar. "Perk of being in uniform, you don't get carded. You can actually try a beer if you want to."
Ray couldn't hold his laughter in. "What do you think I am, 10? It's not like I haven't drank before."
Once they had cold bottles in hand, they turned to admire the crowd. Young women were circulating with neon colored drinks. Others were approaching strangers, kissing them, and then slapping stickers on them. A petite woman on roller skates nearly crashed into Miller, planted a whopper on his lips, and then slapped a sticker on his chest. "Now that you're cured, wanna make friends?" She shouted to be heard over the loud music.
Ray was tempted to reach over and shut Eric's mouth for him. It was comical the way the man talked incessantly when they were working but clammed up the minute a girl walked by. "We're good, thanks." He waved her off before she had a chance to lay one on him. "Already been cured."
Miller's gaze followed her ass as she skated away. "Wow, roller skates give girls awesome…" He held his hands out in front of him, pantomiming an ass-squeeze.
Ray shrugged. "Yeah I guess." Kat's yoga pants came to mind. "I've seen better." Ok, they had been here for like five minutes and already he was bored. He didn't want to get drunk or dance or even chat with the same people he'd been chatting with for the last two months. If this had been the expected fancy dinner he would have at least had some good food. He could have spent his time plotting to swipe a place card or napkin ring something as a souvenir for one of the littles. He began to scan the room for signs of snacks. What did people eat for barfood in Vietnam?
"Was she offering what I think she was?" Miller interrupted his thoughts.
He glanced up to see Miller still standing stock still, looking like a deer in the headlights, his eyes on another young woman in neon orange, waving flirtatiously from near a gaggle of similarly dressed dancing women. "Probably. Didn't you see the row of doors when we came in?" Ray shrugged. God Miller was such a country boy.
"Well yeah, but, like, how does it work?" A deep red was stealing it's way up from the open V of his sailor's collar to his cheeks. "I've never been in a place that.." He lowered his voice, "accepted prostitution."
Ray rolled his eyes. Sometimes he felt 10 years older than Miller. "Seriously, we played cards at Miss Kitty's for weeks. What did you think people were doing when they went upstairs?'
Miller's eyes widened in alarm. "I thought it was a boarding house!"
"Oh my God Miller, you are such a guajiro." He pointed toward the wall where three bouncers sat in straight backed chairs in front of some doorways covered with beaded curtains. "If one of the girls invites you in, she'll tell you how much and you pay one of those guys. Then you go in and do your thing."
Miller swallowed hard when one of the bouncers banged on the door and a smiling man exited. A scantily clad woman followed him out and began to circle the room again. "So is there, like a, bed in there or something?"
Ray shook his head. An idea was beginning to form in his head. "I don't know. In the US it would be just a lap dance so no bed. You just sit in a chair."
Miller stared at the doors again. A cute woman in a tiny orange miniskirt and unbelievably high heels was leading a young man in a Vietnamese army uniform into one of the rooms. "Wait, how do you know all this? Have you had a lap dance before?"
Ray pointed toward the dance floor with his beer. "Yeah of course I have. Except I didn't have to pay for it. But there's no shame in that. Why don't you go chat up one of the waitresses." He slid a twenty out of his chest pocket and slipped it into Miller's. "It's on me." He caught the eye of a cute waitress and tilted his head toward Miller. "She'll take care of you."
Miller's eyes went wide and for a moment his knuckles blanched where he gripped his beer bottle. And then he surprised Ray by saying, "You know what, I'm sick of everyone making fun of me for not being a man-whore just because I want to wait for the right girl. You talk a big game, but in the in the six months I've known you, I've never seen you with a girlfriend either." Miller slammed his empty bottle back down on the bar. "I'm going to go see what Green and Burk are up to. Because I can trust that they at least will act like gentlemen."
"Fuck you Miller. I'm gonna spend this myself." He grabbed the twenty bucks back and spun on his heel.
The first waitress he saw was carrying a full tray of drinks but she pointed him toward the group of women dancing in the front of the room. "Show her money. She take care you." She bobbed her head and dashed off, leaving Ray to figure which one of the girls she had meant. They all looked the same in their orange mini dresses, gyrating in the colored lights. He stepped up toward the side of the small stage. It was hard to look up at the gaggle of women without looking up their skirts.
He backed up a step and held up the bill. "Can I get one of you ladies' attention?" He waved it a bit. Their heads swiveled like a flock of flamingos. There was some kind of conversation going on between a few of them in rapid syllables that he didn't understand. Then one young woman broke away from the group, giving him a shy wave. Jeez, she looked barely older than Rena, who at 14 thought she was an adult, but looked like a child to him.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him toward a dark corner. "You have cure?" She shouted before twisting and pushing one pale shoulder out proudly so that he could see the sticker just below where the strap over her shoulder met her bra cup.
"Uh yeah, I'm already cured."
She ran a hand over his shoulder, stopping to twine her fingers in the tie on his shirt. "You handsome. I'm Nhung." It wasn't unpleasant. She was pretty, with straight dark hair and in the dim lights of the club her eyes looked huge and dark. She smashed her lips on his and immediately opened her mouth to invite him in. Despite a tasting like bubblegum, she was all serious, and clearly knew what she was doing. When she pulled back, he followed with a giggle. Maybe he could do this. It might be what he needed to get over the last few months.
He leaned into her for the second kiss and she yielded easily until he was pressing her against the wall. She was petite, which he liked, and the skin on her shoulders was soft under his thumbs. When she took her heels off she'd probably be as short as…
"Damnit." He backed away suddenly. "I thought I could do this, but I can't"
She eyed the pocket with the money in it and waited. After he didn't say anymore she asked "You still want fun? I treat you nice." She tugged him closer by his tie again. "Nhung go real slow. We have nice room."
"Is it quiet?" She pulled back, the layers of make-up on her brow creasing as she narrowed her eyes. He realized then tht she wasn't as young as she seemed.
"Yes, more quiet. Why, you like make noise?"
"I like quiet." He held out a hand to indicate that she should lead. She ran the hand that had been resting on his chest down his body, over his hip, and out to his hand so he let her begin to pull him across the club and toward the beaded curtains on the darkened side of the room.
He took inordinate pleasure in smirking at Miller as he went past. He shouldn't have done it, considering he wouldn't have gotten this idea if Miller hadn't started the conversation, but still, Miller had it coming. The woman kept looking over her shoulder in what he supposed was supposed to be a flirtatious manner. It was silly, considering he'd already offered the money. But he supposed the act was part of what you paid for. She stopped at the door farthest toward the front of the club pointed toward the 20 still gripped in his hand. A gigantic guy in tight black tee shirt he hadn't even seen stepped forward from where he had been lurking in the shadows.
"Is it quieter in there?" He asked the hulking guy. The man narrowed his eyes and waved his hand to indicate maybe.
"You a funny guy? I need have Tuan come in?" Tuan raised a brow, holding out his hand for money.
"No. I don't need an audience."
Tuan said something to the girl Ray couldn't understand and then opened the door. "You tip girl, yes?"
Ray patted his pocket. "Ah yep, got it." and followed her into the room.
It was barely more than a closet. There was a couch against the back wall covered in an old fringed bedspread. Next to the chair in the center of the room, a small table held a bottle of water, a pump bottle of lotion, and a box of tissues. The only décor was a sign, presumably listing the rules in Vietnamese, on the far wall. The woman's skin turned pinkish as she stepped under the dim lights to hold the door for him.
As she closed out the noisy sounds of the club, he took a seat and pulled out his phone. "No picture Sir!" She wagged a finger at him and then pointed to the table.
He kept a tight grip on the phone, realizing that he wasn't quite sure how to go about this after all. "Oh no, I wasn't...ah..how much time in here can I get for 20 US dollars?"
"Twenty dollar menu." Her accented voice had a sing song character to his ears. "You want dance and massage or the BJ?" She held her fist and gestured near her face.
"What!" God, in the pink light she looked barely older than one of the twins. If he'd felt smarmy before, he felt downright gross now. "No, I don't want either. I just want to sit in here, quiet." At her confused face he held up the phone. "Make a call?"
She headed for the door. "I get Tuan. I nice girl. No phone sex."
Ray shot to his feet, grabbing her hand before she could grasp the knob. "No!" He fished in his pocket for the other twenty. It was the last cash he had. Slapping it into her hand he asked again. "You go, take a break. How long?"
Her dark eyes swung from her hand, now wrapped around the twenty to his face and back a few times. Finally she shrugged. "Dollar minute. I take 5." He wasn't sure if that meant he had 35 minutes or if she was going for a break, but either way, he'd take it.
"Deal."
She spun on her heel and exited, muttering something about crazy American's. Ray spun the lock, a flimsy piece of pywood on a screw that he was sure Tuan could smash out of the door frame without even trying. Then sat back down in the chair and tried to tune out the muffled voices and music outside the room. He swiped across the screen. His wallpaper app had pulled up a picture of the kids. There was Kat, front and center accepting a giant basket of candy from President Michener in appreciation for her work arranging the White House Easter Egg hunt back in April. All fifteen of them were smiling. Kat had declared it ridiculous for them to get a gift of candy given that a low turnout meant that they had taken home nearly half the eggs they had hidden. He wondered if the kids had kept to her one piece a day limit after she left.
He swiped again, pulling up the call log for Kat's cell number. The profile was his favorite picture, the first image that came to mind whenever he envisioned her in his head now. She was looking directly at the camera. Her green eyes were sparkling in laughter, the little freckles across the bridge of her nose playing peek-a-boo with the wispy strands of hair that swirled around her face in the wind. Silly pink rhinestones glittered on the collar of the sweatshirt she insisted on wearing almost every day in February and March, just to spite him. He'd tried to draw this very image several times but he couldn't quite get it right...yet. He closed his eyes and evoked his most perfect moment. There was the smell of her hair, he was pretty sure it was some kind of strawberry kids shampoo she'd swiped from Sophie or Luna, and the skin on her inner wrist, so amazingly soft. Dios! And the taste of her...He snapped his eyes open and sat up straighter in the chair. If her went down this route he'd never get to what he came here to do. He glanced back toward the door one last time to make sure the room was still locked. He had no illusions that Tuan couldn't shoulder through the door if he wanted to, but he still needed the illusion of privacy. It would be better to do it here than back on the ship where he shared a room with 5 other guys. With a sigh, he promised himself that this would be the last time. Except he knew it was an empty vow, even as he made it. He grabbed a few tissues from the box beside him. If this went the way it usually did, he'd end up needing them.
He scrolled down the log until his thumb hovered over the number. There they were, eleven unanswered calls, one for each of the ports they had been to that had cell service. He knew he should have stopped after the first time she didn't answer, but he couldn't give up just yet. It was pathetic. They were the only phone calls he'd made for the last two months, other than to the kids. His thumb shook as he dialed. The ring sounded one, two, three times. He knew exactly what came next. He slipped his other hand into his pocket to stop himself from nervously ripping the tissues to shreds.
The phone went to voicemail and event though he had expected that, it still brought his hopes crashing down. "Hey, this is Kat. If you're getting this message I'm probably busy, feeding a horse, or brushing a horse, or riding a horse. So leave me a message and I'll get back to you once all the horses are happy!"
The beep sounded and he sighed. He had left the same "I miss you. Hope I catch you next time." Message 11 times now. Maybe the 12th time was the charm. Or maybe he should try something different. Maybe he was just getting more desperate. "Hey." The hollow sound of his voice echoed back from the empty room. "Hey it's me. I was hoping I'd catch you for real one of these times but I guess not. Look I get it if..." a second beep signaled the end of the message window.
He slapped his phone down on the little table beside him. Damnit. Why was this so hard? He slumped in the creaky wooden chair, his face propped on his elbows, fingers pressed to his eyes. The C.O. hadn't said how long it would take to get home, but he did know they were supposed to leave port tomorrow morning. This was pretty much his only chance for at least two weeks. If she would just acknowledge him, in some way, he was sure the hard knot of disappointment that he'd been carrying around for two months now would lift, even just a little. After a moment of warring with himself he picked up the phone and punched the number button again. "Fuck it. Maybe the 13th time will be the charm."
This time he was ready when it went straight to voicemail with a beep. "I've decided to be honest. This isn't fair and you know it. I get it if you don't want to talk to me but come on, it has to be killing you as much as it is me. I just want to.." Beep.
He dialed again. Beep. "I just want to hear your voice, be sure you're ok. I don't care if you want to yell at me or tell me what an idiot I am, I just want you to pick up the damn phone. I know I'm an idiot" Beep
He hit the number again. Beep. "You at least get to know that I'm ok because I keep leaving these damn messages. But the only news I have about you is second hand from Brie. And all she ever says is that she talked to you a few days ago and you're over the moon with horses." Beep.
Dios! He dialed again. Beep. "I don't care if all you want to talk about is horses, or your new life, or even some new guy. Just talk to me. We're never going to feel any better if we don't talk." At that his voice began to falter. If she refused to talk to him, maybe that meant she didn't want to work it out. Beep.
Beep. "It was the right thing to do, you know it. But," he sighed, because it was the truth, and he was so disappointed in himself to realize it. "I'm sorry I did it anyway. Because now I'm just, I'm just so...lost now. I wish I was at home..where ever that is now, so I could be telling you this in person. And I.." Beep.
Beep. "You know I love those kids and you were right that I was being selfish. All I was thinking about was how it would be to come home and have everyone together." Beep.
Beep. He drew a deep breath. She was going to be pissed at him for all these messages. "Ok honestly, don't tell them this, but when I think about coming home, all I think about is you. I want to come home to you. All I really want is you." Beep
He put the phone down. He couldn't say anymore. He was embarrassing himself as it was. He glanced at his watch. 15 minutes to get it together before he had to go out there and pretend to be happy as a clam. He'd better quit before he made a bigger fool of himself than he already had.
He reached for more tissues and wiped at his eyes. Then he tipped his head back and closed them, trying to breath deeply before full on sobbing started. He bet she'd ignore his messages as long as she could. She had amazing willpower so maybe it would be a day or two before she actually gave in and listened. By then he'd be somewhere else and probably out of cell service. It hurt to imagine her, but he did it anyway, even as the ache in his chest got stronger. He was envisioning how her eyes would flash in anger as she held the phone up to her ear. She'd probably call him names, nasty names he deserved. Except that her idea of a nasty name was something a twelve year old might say, and she'd say it with a blush.
He nearly dropped the phone when it buzzed in his hand. Holy shit! A million new possibilities swirled in his head and his heart leapt into his throat. He fumbled the device in his hand, trying to accept the call before she hung up. "Kat? Oh my God I can't believe you finally called. Before you say anything I should just say that I love you and I'm sorry I was such an asshole. I'm so sorry for what I did. Really, I've regretted it every second since I left."
There was a long pause and he wondered if she was changing her mind, regretting she'd called him back.
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Ray nearly choked on his own tongue. "I figured she was moping over a boy, but I never woulda guessed it was you."
"Tex?" His mind went blank. What had he just said to him? "I uh, sorry about assuming. I ah, yeah..." he didn't know what to say.
Tex just laughed though. "Oh brother. When she begged me to leave St. Louis I figured it was about a guy. What else do teenage girls get in such a snit about. But I was so afraid she had gotten herself into trouble with someone inappropriate, you know, someone I had to work with every day, that I didn't dare put any pressure on her to tell me anything about the guy. This is such a relief."
"It is?" Tex had always been nice to him, but he hadn't seemed to favor him over any of the other guys. And besides, he had to know what Ray had done.
"Sure, I don't have to worry about you." Ray wasn't sure how to take that. Did Tex think he was pure as the driven snow?
"You don't?"
"Of course not. You might have a thing or two left to learn but clearly you care about doing the right thing, no matter what it costs you. I respect that in a man." Ray was astonished that Tex could laugh about his betrayal. "And besides, anyone taking care of that many kids already would be terrified of having babies. I ought to know. Grew up the oldest of 8." Ray tipped his head back again and exhaled slowly. This had to be the strangest conversation he'd ever had. "You don't have to worry about that either. Nearly took my head off with a frying pan the other day shouting about how hard it was to find tampons in this little town."
Ray smiled at the image of Kat on a rampage. "I wasn't worried." Ok, it had crossed his mind as yet another reason for her to hate him. "But why are you answering her phone. Is everything alright?" She'd have to be really sick or injured to let Tex call him.
Tex sighed. "Well, other than the fact that you left my daughter with a broken heart, everything is fine. We got a nice house here and she loves the work with the horses."
Ray got up to pace with the phone. At least if she was still mad, she hadn't forgotten about him. "She didn't tell you to answer her phone and give me the blowoff, did she?"
Tex laughed. "Ha, ha nope. She's in the shower." Oh he wished he could see that. Kat, with water streaming over her body, would be amazing. Tex's voice kept him from strolling too far into fantasy land. "But I was curious who called eight times and left eight messages and when I saw how many unanswered calls she'd gotten from this number, my curiosity got the best of me. And now I'm so glad it's you and not some bum. Where the heck are you anyway? It sounds like you're out having fun."
He blushed, a little ashamed to admit his exact location. "Uh, in a private room at a nightclub, somewhere near the docks in Hai Phong." He didn't want Tex to think less of him so he quickly explained. "So," Ray drew a deep breath after his brief story. "You're not pissed at me for what I did?"
The pause stretched on for a few seconds longer than was comfortable. In the sound vacuum, Ray heard some yelling above the din of the club. "Well, I didn't say that. But, the fact of the matter is, this kind of thing happens all the time in my business." Ray's shoulders relaxed a little. Well at least that was one less thing to worry about. If Tex had hated him, well he had no doubt he would be capable of keeping them apart for good.
"So Texarkana huh? I don't even know where that is. Why did you choose that?
"I wouldn't exactly say chose." Tex snorted. "It's basically nowhere. But I reckon that you know very well what a man will sacrifice for the ones he loves."
Yep, Ray's heart thumped harder just thinking about it. He knew exactly what Tex meant. "It really sucks." The music was still playing but the sounds of shouting had suddenly changed tone from the joyful merriment he heard earlier.
"Ha! You don't know the half of it kid. But hang in there. The men in this family have always figured out a way to do what was right, no matter how hard. Unless you do that, well, the way I see it, nothing else has value."
There was a loud thump and the beaded curtain rattled against the door. Ray glanced at his watch. He still had ten minutes. "So I guess I should ask if.."
Somehow he sensed her presence and tensed in anticipation even before she shrieked "Dad! What the hell are you doing on my phone. Give me that!" Ray's stomach leapt into his throat. What would he say now? She hadn't listened to his messages and she was still mad and…out in the club the music suddenly stopped and the room lights went off. They'd already had some trouble with the generator earlier though so he didn't worry.
In his ear, Tex was defending him. "Well now hold on a minute Kathleen. Loverboy and I haven't finished our talk. Poor kid has been calling you for two months. Do you know what that feels like? When no one at home answers? I don't care how mad at him you are, that's bad Kathleen, real bad."
"I don't want to talk to him because I'm not ready to forgive him yet." Yet! She said yet, which implied she would, at some point be ready to talk to him! He grinned even thought there was no one there to see it.
A loud crash sounded nearby and Ray scrambled to his feet in alarm. Maybe he'd better hang up and go investigate what was going on. "Well ah, tell her I'll try to call her the next time I'm in port. I don't know when that will be, but ah, maybe she should listen to my messages." He went to the door and put his other ear up to it. Something was definitely going on out there. He thought it sounded like they were yelling in the room right next door and a nervous sweat broke out down his back. What the hell was going on?
"Someone is yelling about find the Americans." He shouldn't have been surprised that Tex spoke whatever language they were shouting in . "These things can get ugly. You got a weapon on you or someplace to get out?" Tex's voice was urgent and Ray began to scan the room.
"Give me the phone Dad. You're scaring me." Now? Now she wanted to talk to him? "Is he alright?"
"Just a chair, no windows. I think I'd better go. Uh, tell her I love her and I'm sorry. Turns out now's gonna be a bad time to talk."
"Chair's better than nothing kid. Hope we hear from you soon." Tex's voice sounded like it was far away because his pulse was rushing so loudly in his ears but he still heard Kat's worried "What's happening, whats going on? Ray? Ray are you ok?"
Someone was jiggling the door knob and shouting. He slipped the phone in his pocket, her picture pressing against his heart as he backed away from the door and reached for the chair. They'd have to tie him to it to keep him from being on that ship home tomorrow.