Summary: Two-shot, Parody/Humour. During "The Phantom Menace". 01. Darth Maul explains to his Master why he didn't kill Qui-Gon Jinn on Tatooine.

Standard disclaimer applies.

Reasons of Failure

Darth Sidious, the Dark Lord of the Sith and the most evil mastermind the galaxy has ever seen, sat comfortably on a plush armchair and regarded the magnificent view of Coruscant's skyline from his apartment windows at the very top of the enormous skyscraper, while taking careful sips of his hot, syrupy sweet beverage. After a long day of plotting and manipulating the naive sheep in the Senate, away from the probing eyes and omnipresent surveillance of the public, he could finally shed his well-rounded persona of a good-hearted noble Naboo senator and answer to the alluring call of the Dark Side. Immersed in its rejuvenating current, he was able to see into the future.

This time, however, there were no visions of galactic war and suffering, of the demise of the Jedi or of his absolute reign. The Force merely warned him his apprentice was about to make a call. Darth Sidious sighed, annoyed at being interrupted during the meditation. Nevertheless, he got up and trudged to the comm station.

'What is it, Darth Maul?' he asked cuttingly, as the call barely connected. 'Did you succeed in your mission?'

A slight tremble went through the blue-white holoprojection of Maul, who bowed in deference to his liege, the drawn hood obscuring the face of the Sith. It could have been caused by the unstable signal, but Sidious knew better. The quake originated from fear, not a technical malfunction.

'Master, the Jedi and the Queen escaped from my grasp,' Maul bravely delivered the bad news.

'And however did that happen, my illustrious apprentice?' Darth Sidious asked sarcastically. He wasn't all too angry or surprised, having sensed Qui-Gon Jinn's continued pollution of the Force. However, he was severely disappointed Maul didn't manage to nab that brat Kenobi, at least. Though the Sith apprentice was much too over his head claiming he could take on a Jedi Master of Jinn's caliber, just a measly padawan learner should be a piece of cake for him.

'There were... complications, my Master,' Maul himself winced, hearing that weak of an explanation.

'Do go on,' Sidious said dryly and folded his hands.

'The Queen's party split up. Most of them stayed on the ship, while Jinn, a woman and a... strange bipedal creature went to a local settlement in search of ship parts. I dispatched the probe droids, which confirmed that the Queen had switched with one of her servants and left with Jinn.'

'I see. Why didn't you dispose of Jinn's padawan?' Sidious wanted to know why his apprentice missed such a golden opportunity to fulfill his long-time wish to spill Jedi blood.

Maul gave him a dubious look from under the hood.

'It would have raised suspicion in Jinn. What if he stole another ship and took the Queen from the planet?' he defended his choice.

'Ah, yes, of course. I was just testing you, Maul,' Sidious replied irately.

'After determining the Queen wasn't there, I followed her and Jinn to the settlement, before the nightfall,' Maul continued, but his Master interrupted again.

'I expect then you struck at their most vulnerable under the cover of the night?' he risked a guess.

'Actually, no, Master, there was a sandstorm all night and I had to seek shelter in a local cantina.'

Maul's disillusioning only served to frustrate Sidious, as he was used to always being correct and getting his way.

'A sandstorm! A mere inconvenience of a weather conquered you, a mighty Sith Lord? Didn't I teach you how to make an impenetrable air bubble with the Force?' he snapped.

'I didn't have enough time to practice, Master. You'd shown it to me just before I left,' Maul pointed out.

Sidious supposed it was true, however he wasn't going to admit his apprentice right.

'I don't have time to waste hearing your pathetic excuses, Maul!' he scolded bitingly, then regained his composure. 'Well, I assume the next day you caught Jinn unawares and struck, perhaps when he was in the refresher?'

'N-not exactly, Master. I couldn't find him, because there was this big podrace there and half the planet came to watch it...'

'… so you ended up watching the race instead of hunting the Jedi?' Sidious finished for him.

'The Force was too turbulent to get a clear read on him,' Maul feebly justified. No need to mention he woke up late and with head-splitting hungover, right?

'I said to spare me your excuses,' the Sith Master reiterated menacingly. Seeing his apprentice properly cowed, he ordered him to continue.

'I decided to ambush Jinn on his way back to the Queen's ship, so I returned to Infiltrator, however...' Maul barely suppressed the urge to gulp nervously. It was by far the worst part. He remembered to be brave and embrace the pain which was most likely to come after his admission.

'Yes? What is it, Maul?' Sidious asked as the pause was getting too long.

'… it wasn't there. It was stolen, but I reclaimed it,' the Zabrak rushed through the explanation, leaving out the unnecessary and embarrassing details. He was quite certain his Master wasn't interested in learning how he had desperately combed through countless square kilometers of sandy landscape, running around in entirely black attire unfit for desert travel, in a scorching heat of two suns, which made him sweat like a pig and almost die of dehydration if not for a timely rescue by the Jawas in their sandcrawler. He still couldn't make up his mind about what was more humiliating – almost dieing of dehydration of all things or being saved by such pathetic weak creatures. Even finding out what happened to his most prized possession, as he had been sure the Jawas had had it for a time, proved to be a trial. After he'd failed to pluck out the information straight from the source as he was unable to make heads or tails of what he'd seen in that garbage chutes they called grandly their minds, he'd had to pay them for the protocol droid's services, so he could understand the high-pitched, headache-inducing jabbering which could be very loosely termed as language.

Thankfully, he'd managed to glean out from them that a tribe of Sandpeople had bought the ship in the early morning. For what reason, he hadn't cared for the moment. Not one to leave the bussiness unfinished, he'd slaughtered the creatures, though even then they'd managed to sour his mood since killing them gave the same level of enjoyment as squishing ants under his heel. Irked, he'd taken the Jawas' landspeeder and gone to hunt.

Finding the location of the tribe had been so easy, Maul had thought his misfortunes had finally passed. He'd stealthily crept aboard the ship, sure of his success, when his hopes had been brutally dashed. With growing horror he'd noticed the scent of smoke. In panic he'd run to the cockpit, where he'd stopped still in his tracks upon noticing a tribesman tentatively holding a bundle of cables torn out from under the pilot console. The primitive savage had honked to himself dumbly, as if surprised by the sparks coming from the damaged place.

Maul had seen red.

The next thing he remembered, he'd been outside, a few mutilated corpses scattered around, but not too many. The rest of the Sandpeople had probably escaped.

The Sith apprentice supposed there was no point in telling his irate Master about the heroic struggle to repair the ship on time without the help of the manual which had been lost decades before he'd become the vessel's proud owner. So he skipped to the most crucial part of his report.

'Because of this inconvenience I was delayed and the Queen and the strange creature she brought had already returned to their ship. Seizing the opportunity, I surprised Jinn with my attack. Of course, I had a clear advantage over him...' Maul became impassioned in his speech, however the ramble was cut short by his exasperated Master.

'But he still ran away,' Sidious bit off. 'How did that happen, Lord Maul?' he asked drawling.

The Zabrak Sith quietened, eyes guiltily cast down in embarrassment.

'Sand got in my eyes,' he said in small voice.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review! I'm open to all opinions, critiques, suggestions and advice. Also, stay tuned for chapter 2!