Disclaimer: I have nothing better to do with my time then write fanfictions and claim that I own the stories they were based off of. Just kidding. Well, not about the first part. I really do have nothing better to do with my time then write fanfictions.
Summary: Bill Weasley said he would never get married. So what happens when he gets drunk and wakes up married to Fleur? Based on the 1965 movie starring Jack Lemmon. BW/FD.
A/N: I saw this movie and decided to make it into an HP fic; I naturally thought of Fleur as the wife since she's foreign and the Weasleys wanted to kill her. Haha. I actually thought the movie was quite humorous, albeit a little sexist. But I didn't bother me because, come on, it was made 40 years ago. And this story will not be sexist of course, since it will be written by a girl. Duh!
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How to Murder Your Wife
Bill Weasley was busy adding the finishing touches to his sketch. He sat up, satisfied, and looked at the finished picture. It was of a young wizard with red hair who was flying on a broomstick. The wizard looked up and grinned at his creator, before flying into the panel next to him.
Bill was a well-known artist for wizard comic books. The comic he was writing now was called Barry Brigham, and was about a young wizard named Barry who was always off saving the world. Barry constantly reminded Bill of himself, and not just because of the looks. Bill would never make his character do something in a comic that he hadn't already done in real life. So he would always go act something out as if he were Barry Brigham and then draw and write about it.
"Master Weasley, sir," Dobby, Bill's house elf, scrambled up towards Bill with a glass of firewhiskey. "Dobby has brought you your drink."
"Thanks, Dobby," Bill said before downing the drink and handing it back to the elf. Dobby then scrambled back into the kitchen with the empty glass.
Bill took a deep breath. It had been a long day for him; he might as well get some sleep. Tomorrow was Remus Lupin's bachelor party, after all. All the men from the club would be there.
Bill belonged to an all man's club that he went to once a day to exercise and to relax with his friends. Most of the men were single, although some of them were married and very miserable about it, too. Bill had learned from them that marriage can destroy a man, and he believed it.
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The next morning Bill woke up with a huge headache and the feeling of somebody pulling on his left foot. He rolled over in bed to see what was going on. Dobby had his little fingers enclosed around Bill's foot and was gently tugging at it.
"Oh! Master is awake! Dobby let Master sleep in too late today! It's already 11:00!"
"Unh…" Bill groaned but sat up, putting his hand on his forehead.
"Does Master have a headache, sir?"Dobby asked.
"Yeah, a killer one," Bill mumbled. Dobby ran into the other room and came out a minute later with a glass of blue liquid.
"This will make Master feel better," he explained.
"Thanks." Bill swallowed the potion and felt an immediate relief come to him. He got up, ushered Dobby out of his room, and got dressed. In a few hours, the party would begin…
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Bill entered the hall for the party looking all spiffy, he had a big smile plastered over his face. But that smile soon turned to a frown. All the men in the room were silent and still as though they were attending a funeral. Bill's father walked over to him and handed him a glass of wine.
"Here you go, son," he said. Arthur Weasley was one of the members of the men's club as well.
"Thanks, Dad," Bill said, taking the glass and sipping it. "So why's everyone so quiet?"
"Why do you think? One of our own's tying the knot. Poor Remus…" Arthur said.
"But Dad, you're married to Mum, for 32 years now." Bill reminded him.
"And I don't regret one day of it!" He exclaimed. "The one day that I don't regret is when your mother was away on holiday!"
Bill just shook his head and walked towards the rest of the men. He said hello to all his friends: Harry, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Oliver, Albus, Sirius, Alastor, his brothers, and many others.
Suddenly Remus Lupin entered the building, laughing hysterically. Everyone glared at him. Was he drunk?
"Tonks called off the engagement! She doesn't want to marry me!" he exclaimed. All the men cheered and laughed along with him. They were all excited for some reason that their friend wasn't going to get married.
The party was much more lively, now that Remus was there and single as ever. There was a lot of wine and whiskey at the party. After having one too many glasses of wine, Bill stood, propped up against the wall, with his feet spread out. Across the hall was his brother Percy, who was in the same position he was. Bill shook his head and stumbled over towards his younger brother.
"Hey, Perce… look at you! You're completely wasted…" Bill said in a slurred voice.
"Me? Nah… I'm as sober as the judge," Percy replied. And that was a half-truth, seeing as Percy had just become a judge for the ministry recently.
Bill shook his head and sat down at a table, placing his head in his arms. He felt extremely dizzy.
Remus was pretty much wasted, and he was being pulled over towards a piano by some other men from the club.
"Play a tune, Moony!" Sirius shouted. Remus looked confusedly at the instrument in front of him. He put his hands over the keys and grinned, seeming to get the hang of it. He began to play a song and all the men cheered and drank their wine merrily.
Sigh. I'm gonna have one hell of a hangover in the morning, Bill thought to himself. Oh well. He took another long sip of his drink. Suddenly, something small fell on the table in front of him. He picked it up. It was a ring; undoubtedly the ring Remus gave to Tonks. He smiled to himself and held the ring in his hand, taking another sip of the wine.
Suddenly a loud cheer could be heard from all of the men. Bill looked up to see what looked like a giant cake being wheeled into the room. I'm hallucinating. God, am I really that drunk? Bill asked himself. But he realized that he was not drunk at all. There really was a giant cake in the room, surrounded by gleeful looking men, all waiting eagerly to see what would happen. The entertainment had just begun.
Bill watched as the top of the cake flung open and a young blond woman stepped out wearing a bikini and a boa. She winked at Bill. Suddenly something wet touched Bill's hand. He realized he'd been drooling on himself. He wiped his hand with his other sleeve and then brought his attention back to the "stripper."
She had to be a veela, Bill thought. All the other men were drooling over her, too. He stared deep into her silver eyes… and that was when he completely lost it.
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So I finally gave into temptation by posting the first chapter of this, even though I've been having writer's block with all my other stories. Life has just begun to get crazy for me. Now I know I might never update this story, but it's always fun to hope. Please review anyway; you'll make my day! Really, you will. Plus, you'll motivate me to write more, causing me to update faster. So review!