Don't Want To Forget

AN: Hey! This is my first fanfiction that I ever have the guts to publish. It's started off somewhere before Catching Fire, all the way through to Mockingjay, with my own little twist. It is going to be told both from Katniss' and Peeta's view. And yes, it's rated T, because as much as I like anything rated M, I still don't know if I could write a proper one *grinned*. Well, hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 1

"I don't want to forget." – Peeta

Katniss' POV

It's been months since I've become one of the victors of The 74th Hunger Games. Yes, victors. Me, Katniss Everdeen, a girl from the Seam, and Peeta Mellark, my supposed lover from the Merchant of District 12. My supposed lover whom I hadn't even been talked to since our arrival. Well, I have to admit that I've been avoiding him all this time, even though he's been doing the same to me, but still, it was all my fault. I walked past his home in Victor's Village everyday, sometimes even slowed down and glanced through his open doors, or windows and maybe — just maybe— that I would catch a glimpse of him. Anything would do. Even if it's just a glimmer of his blonde hair, a twitch of his fingers when his baking in his kitchen, or just the smell of bread and cinnamon in the morning, it's enough for me.

Sometimes he would caught me peering through from his kitchen's window, and in those moments I am sure that he could read my mind, or maybe he suspected that I'm purposefully checking on him, not in stalkerish way, but in some kind of I-hope-that-you're-doing-fine-but-I'm-too-much-of-a-coward-to-actually-talk-to-you kind of way. Because like it or not, I need him to be okay. And it's not even that I might actually care for him, but it's like my own selfish way to make sure that he's still there beside me, even though not literally with me. Just a reassurance that this is not a dream, that I actually didn't win this game alone, that he's going to be the only person who actually knows what we've been through. But those moments only last for a second. Usually, I'm the one who would looked away first, terrified, anxious, scared, of what emotion that I would found in those deep blue eyes. Am I hoping that he would still looking at me with that longing, loving, warmth he always had for me? I don't know, I thought that would only make me feel even guiltier to him. But one thing for sure: every time that it's him who looked away first, it stung.

It's just that I really, really, really don't know how I am feeling about him. Even though I missed him, so bad. My nightmares never come off. They're all still there, lurking in the corner of my mind, waiting to creep up on me when I'm down. The images of Prim being reaped, only now that I can't volunteered to replace her. Rue, dying in my arms. The careers successfully killing me. And Peeta, dying of the blood poisoning, being thrown in to the hungry mutations, his mouth spilling of blood red juices from night locks. And I'll startle awake while my hands clutching desperately to the sheets, hoping that he would be there holding me, soothing me down, just like in the cave. But then I remember he's not even talking to me and there were times when I would just running through the doors to him, in the middle of the night and bare foot, but I just couldn't find the courage to knock on his door. It wouldn't be fair to him. I'm just going to hurt him all over again. So I came back home, and sobbing in my own bed, sometimes Prim would be there, but it's just not enough.

And Gale, whom that I thought the one I would spend the rest of my life with, if it's not for the games, was barely there anymore. With him working on the mine, because he is of age to be working now, and he didn't want to be a charity case for me, even though I'm the one who begged him to made my family his charity case during the games. But he wouldn't budge. He said he didn't want to touch that capitol's money, especially since it's not him who won the games. So we settled that I'll go hunting everyday, and I would deliver my game to his family, that way I can pay my debt for him without using capitol's money. Besides the fact that I need to hunt as much as I need to breath, to calm me down, to take my mind off of things.

But as the time ticking down to the Victory Tour, it's getting hard for me to keep my mind from being crazy. The nightmares became more persistent. Usually I got 5-6 hours of sleep before I startled awake, but now, I'll be lucky if I could rest my eyes for 3 hours. I would go hunting very early in the morning, and only came home when I'm extremely tired that my body just couldn't take it anymore. Gale would be concerned; sometimes I even drifted off to sleep in the woods, only to be awakened an hour later. Gale tried to soothe me, but strangely it's not his hands that I wanted to feel rubbing my back, it's not his voice that I'd heard, he even attempted to kiss me again, but it's all felt so wrong. After that I would kept my distance from him until we call the day's off, he would be grumpy, but all I can think of is I'm hoping that next time we would pretend like nothing's happened, like we always did since that day he kissed me, and everything would be alright again.

It's a couple of days before the Victory Tour. And I couldn't take it anymore. I've talked to Haymitch, but he's only solution was liquor. I'm taking pills to make me sleep faster, but it's even worse. I would trap in my dreams for hours, sobbing and screaming in my sleep, not even Prim nor could Mom wake me up from those nightmares. So now I prefer not to sleep at all. Which is bad, because now I couldn't concentrate to aim my targets, I even couldn't bring home any game with me these days, and the worst of all: I keep drifting off to sleep, leaving me even more exhausted each time I'm awake.

Peeta.

I keep thinking of him, daydreaming how good it would be to be asleep in his arms once more. But no, I can't do that to him. I'm already taking too much advantage of him, and hurting him in the process. I couldn't hurt him anymore. He didn't even talk to you anymore, I scolded myself. What am I going to say to him anyway? Hey, Peeta. I know I told you that I want to forget everything that happened in the games, but I couldn't. Can I sleep with you again? Nice one, Katniss. You'll be lucky if he just slammed the door on your face. It's almost night, I don't even know if he's home or not. Sometimes he would go visit his family's bakery and left the house empty. I'm just glad that he didn't bring his family in the new house, that way his Mom wouldn't beat him anymore, even if she didn't have any reasons to beat him now. But I wonder if he ever felt lonely, in this big house... I know I am. Was he having restless nights like me? But then I realized that I never knew if he's having bad dreams or not, even in the cave. I'm the one who always seek comfort from him. Oh God, why am I needed to be so selfish? While there was a battle in my mind, I didn't realized that my feet been taking me exactly to his front door. And I know immediately that his house is empty.

Great. Now I can walk home without feeling humiliated, or desperate, now that I've tried. But my feet won't move. Instead, my legs collapsing, leaving me undone on his porch, feeling so lost. I can feel my eyes were stinging with tears; I pull both of my legs to my chest, hugging my knees, and buried my face in my arms. I don't know how long I stayed that way. That's when I heard a familiar voice.

"Katniss?"

*off to the next chapter*