The Infamous Hogwarts' Trio
Interviewed by Clarisse Deblon of The Time-Turner
As my predecessor of the interview column at The Time-Turner, I have taken a particular interest in Hogwarts activities and the students attending the school. This was not due to the incredible tasks these three particular students were famed for accomplishing. No, that story has been quite talked about. I find myself very intrigued about the goings-on of their lives now and their lives then, without the drama of defeating Lord Voldemort. Let's peer into the teenage lives of famous Harry Potter, Hermione Granger-Wealsey and Ronald Weasley, the saviors of the wizarding world.
What have you been up to since Voldemort's defeat?
Wealsey: I just got my Muggle driver's license!
Granger: We got married.
Potter: We're very happy.
Weasley: Yeah, we are.
Potter: (snickers)
How's your scar, Harry?
Potter: It's pretty good. Been a bit down lately, seeing as it has nothing to complain about…
Wealsey: (laughs)
Granger: Harry, can you answer even one question without sarcasm? Honestly.
I know you're married, but what happened to your Hogwarts crushes?
Wealsey: I never had any but Hermione.
Granger: Aw.
Potter: Bullocks. What about your sister-in-law?
His sister-in-law? Really?
Wealsey: (tackles Potter)
Granger: Ugh. Boys.
When you were at Hogwarts, what was your favorite subject?
Potter: Defense Against the Dark Arts. A different teacher taught it each year, and some of them were even evil so I got to learn how to defeat them in their own classes, which is pretty ironic actually.
How do you mean evil?
Weasley: Let's see, there was Quirrell, who actually had Voldemort attached to the back of his head.
Granger: Harry killed him in his first year.
Potter: Well, I don't want to brag…
Wealsey: There was Lockhart, who wasn't really evil, but the berk used memory charms to steal other wizard's thunder.
Granger: Mad-Eye Moody in our fourth year turned out to be a Death Eater who disguised himself as the famous Auror with Polyjuice Potion.
Potter: He was a nutter. Something funky about his tongue.
Weasley: And Umbridge, she was a right piece of work. Used to torture us, she did!
Granger: I hardly say it was torture, Ronald.
Weasley: Close enough!
Potter: And Snape in our sixth year. He turned out alright, but he was a prat at the time. He gave me detention all the time.
Granger: Not to mention the fact that he killed Dumbledore.
Potter: Oh yeah, that too. Blimey, he was a prick.
Weasley: Then why'd you name your kid after him?
Potter: Well, he was my almost-father.
Weasley: Yeah.
Potter: What are you doing, Ron?
Weasley: (squinting) Trying to imagine you with Snape hair.
Granger: Ew.
How did you all deal with your years at school? How did you relieve the stress?
Weasley: I did a lot of sleeping.
Potter: Damn right you did.
Granger: Mostly I studied or checked books out from the library for some light reading.
Potter, Weasley: (snicker)
Granger: What?
Potter: Yeah, light. She read Hogwarts: A History before she even got to school.
Weasley: Isn't that like a thousand pages?
Granger: (proudly) One thousand five hundred and thirty-six.
Potter, Weasley: (coughing) Nerd.
Potter: Hey, you married her.
Weasley: Nerd-hater.
Granger: And getting back to the question…
Potter: Oh, well, I used to play a lot of Quidditch. That helped me relieve some stress, I guess you could say. Except those times when people tried to kill me during the game.
Weasley: Like the time Quirrell enchanted your broom.
Potter: Or when Dobby tampered with that Bludger.
Granger: When you fell off your broom after being attacked by Dementors.
Weasley: Come to think of it, mate, you might've been better off not playing Quidditch.
Potter: And that suggestion has nothing at all to do with the fact that you wanted to be captain.
Weasley: 'Course not! What do you take me for?
[The following comments have been taken off the record per Granger's request, perhaps for the best]
Between evil teachers and near-death experiences, did your faith ever falter in Dumbledore's abilities as your Headmaster?
Granger, Potter, Weasley: Nope.
You answered that rather quickly.
Potter: If you knew Dumbledore you'd get it. After years of trying to figure him out, you just sort of went along with it. You never questioned Dumbledore.
Weasley: The bloke was kind of off his rocker, though.
Granger: He did hire several teachers whose sole purpose was to kill you, Harry.
Weasley: And he left it up to a twelve-year-old to destroy a basilisk.
Granger: He also—
Potter: Fine! I'll admit, he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but can you blame him? He was…well, what was he?
Granger: About a hundred and fifty.
Potter, Granger, Weasley: (snicker)
Several of your school mates have said that Dumbledore favored you three, and that's why you got away with so much.
Wealsey: That's whack.
Potter: Word.
So how did you get away with all the things you did?
Potter: I don't understand the question.
You stole from the Potion's Master stores, went out numerous times after curfew, helped two wanted fugitives escape from the Hogwarts grounds, and created a secret society labeled Dumbledore's Army. Am I right?
Weasley: Oooh, that.
Potter: A wizard never reveals his secrets.
Granger: It's 'magician,' Harry.
Potter: Them, too.
How did you three end up meeting?
Granger: On the Hogwarts Express.
Weasley: Yeah, I was showing Harry this spell I'd learned from my brothers, and Hermione came barging in—
Granger: Hardly.
Weasley: —and messed up my concentration.
Granger: Oh, sure! That's the reason it didn't work. It wasn't because Fred and George made it up.
Weasley: Scabbers would've turned yellow it if weren't for you.
Granger: Next time you bring this up, you're the one who's going to be yellow, Ronald.
Potter: That's another one! Ron's pet rat turned out to be Peter Pettigrew who was actually a mass murderer. Oh, good times. Good times.
Do you have any heroes or idols?
Potter: My parents of course, James and Lily Potter. Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin. Those are just a few. Oh, and my wife, Ginny, but that goes without saying.
Wealsey: Suck-up.
Potter: Shut it, Ron.
Granger: My parents have always been really big influences in my life, but everyone who gave their lives to defeat Voldemort, I think they are real heroes. Including Harry.
Weasley: Yeah, probably Harry.
Potter: How do you figure?
Weasley: Well, if you think about it, I'm kind of like the hero's sidekick, aren't I? So you can be the hero, and I'm the sidekick who swoops in to save the day.
Potter: I don't remember any of your swooping.
Granger: And what does that make me?
Weasley: You're the geeky girl who follows us around and tells us more information than we need to know.
Potter: Hermione, why'd you marry him again?
Granger: I'm having trouble remembering the reason myself.
What do you think about the rumors that Death Eaters are still attempting to bring back Voldemort?
Granger: It's ridiculous. Even if they are still out there, it's not as if they'll get very far.
Potter: They're trying to raise someone from the dead. Even magically, that's impossible. Trust us, we've tried.
Weasley: Yeah, for the longest time, Harry was obsessed with trying to bring all the people he loved back to life, like his mom and dad, Sirius, Dumbledore. What was it, ten years ago? Hermione did her research, and we tried everything. No way is anyone coming back to life, especially all the people Harry loves.
Potter: …Thanks, Ron.
Weasley: No problem, mate.
Do you have any regrets from your teenage years?
Potter: Yeah, I kinda wish we'd started a band.
Weasley: Man, that would've been great.
Granger: (rolls eyes) Right. Harry would sing, Ron would be the drummer, and I'd play the tambourine.
Weasley: Tambourines are supposed to be played by hot chicks, Hermione. (silence) Oh c'mon, 'Moine, I didn't mean it like that!
Potter: I think that might've been the single stupidest thing you've ever said, Ron.
Weasley: Babe—
Granger: I don't talk to roadies, Ronald, which is what you've been demoted to.
Potter: (snicker)
Harry, what do you imagine your life would have been like if you hadn't been The Boy Who Lived?
Potter: What do you mean? Like if I'd been The Boy Who Died?
Granger: Harry! She meant if you weren't famous.
Potter: I dunno. Ron, would you still have been my friend if I was normal?
Weasley: Eh. I probably would've gotten bored of you after awhile.
Potter: Oh right, 'cuz you're so fascinating.
Weasley: Well, yeah.
Granger: I wouldn't have looked twice at him. These two were insufferable as children, and haven't changed much since.
Potter, Weasley: Oh please.
Potter: Don't act like you didn't love us.
Granger: (rolls eyes)
Thank you for your time.
Granger: Cute.
Potter: Oh, c'mon.
Weasley: That's pretty catchy.