Published July 2011; originally written September 2010. It's short and, well, not exactly sweet. If you are a girl, dating him in a new relationship, this could've been your shitty gift. lol

Randy hated gift buying for women. For his boys? That was easy. Pick up the bill at a strip joint, or get them a new pair of ring boots they'd been coveting but were out of their price range. But buying for women? Despised it. He really did. No, seriously. He did. He had told Eve, the new girlfriend, to buy herself a new phone and send him the bill, but NO, she had to be difficult. "No." Fuck. Now he had to think and get her a damn gift.

This sucked.

Flowers were corny. Candy had carbs. What the fuck to get her for her birthday?

He ended up at the cosmetic counter of Nordstrom. His intention was to buy perfume. What the fuck kind, he didn't know. And there he made the first fuck-up of Eve's birthday.

The saleswoman was hitting on Randy and he didn't even realize it. She'd sold him wrinkle cream for Eve. Hell, he didn't know what it was. It was in a pretty bottle and she'd gift wrapped it.

The thought of "DUDE. YOU JUST BOUGHT A HOT CHICK WRINKLE CREAM" should've come from those voices in his head. They didn't. This would not end well, and he didn't even know it.

Then it got worse. Walking through the mall, he ended up at another store that specialized in gifts. He saw a nice looking travel kit. They travel, right? It's useful, right?

Well, he didn't notice that one of the things in the kit was a nose hair trimmer. What a fucked up gift, right?

"HOLY FUCK, YOU BOUGHT HER A NOSE. HAIR. TRIMMER!", the voices should've screamed. Again. They didn't. Maybe they were setting him up for failure? Didn't know. Would probably find out, but as for now, still clueless...

It got worse.

He then went to the Hallmark store, got a generic birthday card (hey, it had a nice cover) and stuck a $100 bill in it. He didn't know what to get her! He tried! He didn't realize he'd broken some cardinal rules of gift-giving to women, but then again, not many women were really recipients of gifts from him. His mother, sister, Sam, Alanna, sure. But girls he was seeing usually just got -him- as a gift. :: Smirks ::

But he tried and he brought the gifts (!) home.

You, the reader, will be left to imagine how it went, but let's just say:

Things did not end well. lol