A/N: A testament to Edward's paranoia. What happens when he discovers fan fiction?
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, but Joe's coin shop is mine.
I waited for Edward's car. He was never late, but today, he was off by five minutes. With anyone else, I wouldn't have been concerned, but this is Edward.
Finally, the silver Volvo appeared in the driveway, and he was inside, arguing with someone I couldn't see. I went to the passenger side and got in.
"We can't do that! They know we're going to be there!" Edward protested.
"Edward, you're being ridiculous." Alice disputed, sounding just as nervous as him.
"What's going on?" I demanded.
"They know. About us."
"How?" I asked, "Who—oh, man , it wasn't Emmett, was it?"
"No." Alice said, "He's not stupid enough to go around telling everyone we're vampires."
"Edward, this isn't the way to school." I realized.
"I know." He growled, "They know we're going to be there, and we can't let them find us."
"Who is they?"
"EdwardLoverone, Iamwiththewolf, Spannymare, and Onewhoknits, just to name a few." Alice said.
"How did they find out?"
"We've been trying to figure that out!" Edward said, hitting the steering wheel with such force that it almost collapsed.
"How do you know they know? Those sound more like emails than names." I pointed out.
"It's a website." Edward told me, "They've been writing about us. Speculating about our lives. They must have cameras everywhere, because they know! They even know about the Volturi!"
My eyes widened in shock. "How?"
Alice answered for him. "He just said, we don't know."
"We need to go somewhere they don't know about…Starbucks!" Edward said, "They've never written about us going there."
"Yes they have." Alice said, consulting a laptop on the seat next to her, "See? Right here. Tortgirl did, in 'Group Therapy'."
"What about the supermarket?"
"Uhh, nope. Can't go there. Onewhoknits used it, in 'My Brand of Heroin.' Bella went there to get groceries…Bella, you're not pregnant, are you?"
"WHAT?" Edward and I both yelled.
"In a lot of these stories, you're either pregnant or you have a kid…weird."
Edward was panicking now, and I felt sure that if he were human, he would be hyperventilating. "Where can we go?"
"Not Walmart…or Target." Alice said, still staring into the computer's screen, "Those have both been written about."
"Joe's coin shop!" Edward exclaimed, performing a U-turn in the middle of the road, speeding towards the ramshackle store.
Twenty minutes later, we stood huddled around a glass counter, putting our heads together over the age-old coins.
"How do they know?" I asked again.
"They all talk about someone named 'Stephenie Meyer.'" Alice whispered, "There are these disclaimers above each story that say 'All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.'"
"We thought maybe she was a member of a radical vampire group. There are a couple here and there that think we should tell all the humans. The Volturi mostly stamp them out, but occasionally, one survives."
"I googled her biography." Alice told us, "She lives in Phoenix. It's way too bright there for vampires. I was thinking maybe a werewolf."
"But that wouldn't make sense. If she were, she wouldn't want people knowing about werewolves, but they do. Lots of them write about Jacob. There's even one story where you're a polygamist, Bella, and Jacob and I are your husbands." He shuddered at the thought.
"We need to find her." I said, "And find out what she is, and how she knows about us. We've got to get her to stop writing."
They nodded in agreement. The old owner of the shop gave us a dirty look, and shouted, "Y'all kids lookin' fer something"
"No." Edward said, "We were just leaving."
We went back out to the car, where I sat in the back with Alice, looking at the various fan fictions.
Edward was angry, one read, because Bella went to visit Jacob in La Push. He become so consumed with fury that he forgot about the treaty and crossed the line, bursting into the Blacks' house and destroying everything in his path.
Edward growled, and I knew he was hearing the story in Alice's mind.He was so infuriated by the sight of Jacob Black that he leaped at him, killing him instantly, and accidentally biting Bella in the process.
"How do you bite someone accidentally?" Alice wondered.
He was sad. He brought her back to his house and stared at her for three days, feeling guilty."I wouldn't do that!" Edward protested.
"Yes you would." Alice and I said, not taking our eyes away from the web page.
Finally, Bella woke up. Her power was that she could control other vampires' powers. And she was pregnant. This made Edward angry again, because Bella told him that it was Jacob's baby. Then Edward got mad and killed Bella, then he felt guilty, so he went to the Volturi and made them kill him.
Then, below that, there was an author's note.
Hope you loved it. Read and review, please. No flames.
"Turn that off." Edward growled.
"Already?" Alice asked, "But the next story by this author is a JacobXEdward."
"Turn. It. Off. We are going to go find this Stephenie Meyer person and put a stop to this."
A/N: I was going to make this a oneshot, but I had too much fun writing it to stop. Sorry if it's awful, but I like it. I accept flames.