By Sapphi-chan
Author's notes: this is a POV of Sendoh and a sequel to the fic entitled "I Fall To Pieces." Yes I decided to make another angst out of them and this is somehow the story on why Sendoh did that to Kaede.
What's wring with me??? Dunno… guess I'm in the mood to suffer everyone. Kidding…… don't worry I promise I'll make a very humorous fic for those who are traumatized with my angst ^_______^;;;;;; Death threats are always welcome ^______________^;
Another night. Another day. It's always the same thing going on in our lives. Eat. Go to school. Meet. Play basketball. And Sex. Is there something more? Has this existence of our relationship finally ripping me apart? No I don't want to… I just couldn't stop loving him.
Months have passed and were like this again. Just plain bored. I can't even do it with him, our sex life is deteriorating, we used to have fights, and everything is just not right for the both of us. I went to the doctor, a psychiatrist actually, he told me that we are just in that so-called pre-stress-relationship thing. But there's just more. My sickness knocks again at my door. Ruining my entire life. The family's doctor told me I wasn't going to live longer than I expect. Five months to go, and I'll be dead. Five months to go before I turn him to another man. Five months to go before I waked out of his life.
And all this time it's only him, him, and him. I only do it for him so that he can't feel the pain. So that he won't pity me. So that he can be happy forever, which I can't give him. Five whole months that I can do everything to myself, and even ruin my most precious Kaede's heart in the process. But I really have to, for both of us.
I started blaming myself for not noticing the signs of my unwanted sickness. The tumor returned, causing me more migraine than ever. The medicines that Kaede used to give me won't even work, my grades falling, I left the basketball, I left my entire life.
It was my birthday, Valentines Day huh, I got myself a guy, from a gay dating service…. I didn't even bother to talk to Kaede, I didn't even bother to give him a present for this very special day. I was kissing that guy, when someone opened the front door. It was Kaede. I forgot that the key was still with him, and I forgot to get it back. He was there with that box wrapped nicely and with a blue ribbon. His face was shock, totally shock from what he just saw earlier.
But what happened to his hands? Why are they bandaged and some with Band-Aids? What did he do to himself. But no it wasn't the words I said to him. Words that will completely make him out of my life. His eyes are full of emotions. What was that I saw in his eyes? Angry? Guilt? Pity? Love? Who does he pity for? Is it for him or for me?
It seemed like an eternity when it all happened. The door left opened, the guy left me alone, Kaede left a few minutes ago, and I left standing near the door looking at the distance.
When I opened my gift, it was a knitted sweater. Realization came in to him, it was Kaede who made this sweater for him. I just hug it close to me, close to my heart and said softly "Happy Birthday Akira, Happy Valentines Day…" and I cried, alone in my house.
And so comes my fear. Fear of dying. I wouldn't fear it if only I have said the truth to Kaede. I know how bad I am to just simply say 'I'm sorry but it's over' to Kaede. How I wanted to tell it to him so that he knows my pure reason why I'm doing this. I feel empty inside, and without him I'm always seemed out of my mind. So I called him up told him to me meet me in this restaurant near the park.
And so he was there, he was still gorgeous, he was still the Kaede I loved. But then he wasn't anymore the usuall Kaede. This was a weak one, fragile. I wanted to blurt it out, all the things he needed to say. Again for the second time, I messed up again. He left me alone in the restaurant. I told him to look for another one instead of me. He was just holding back his tears, and when he can't take it he left… left our love forever. His and my last straw was gone in our hands. I can't repair the damage I have given him. It's for the best, it's for him… only for him that I do this.
Love hurts they say, and I have fallen for that trap too. I am now dead, he was the only life I could ever have, and now my angel is gone, so am I too.
It's been like five months after the whole incident. I go to clubs, flings, drink, smoke, and everything to make this pain go away from me. All I see is my lover with open arms, letting myself draw near him. Arms and feet tangled together, holding to each other, never letting each one go. But it's all a dream, it can never be real. In just a few days my life will be over. I could be at peace, I'll just wait for him up there. To return back the love that I have crushed here on earth.
And now I'm walking back to where my house is. A sidewalk with street lamps to guide me, I saw a figure moving near me. And the faiths have been cruel again for the third time, it was Kaede.
"Hello Kaede…." Then he passed away from me. Now there can never be 'we' anymore. As I draw out my last breath, and die on the coldness of the pavement. Just like me, cold, and empty… and dead.