"Never to show anyone how he felt"
"Do you hate me?
James didn't answer. He stood up and leant back against the frame of Sirius's four-poster bed. What could he say? Of course he didn't hate Sirius. Even if he did nearly kill his enemy as well as his friend; he couldn't hate him. Sirius was his brother. Or
as close as one anyway.
"James?" Sirius voice was shaking, and James noticed that he was crying slightly.
"Oh, Pads…" James hesitated a little and moved forward to sit next to Sirius again.
"Padfoot…of course I don't…Now, stop crying….sixth years don't cry" he tried a soft tone of voice, to lighten the mood. Sirius turned and smiled a little, punching James softly in the arm, causing him to laugh.
"Want to talk about it?" James asked quietly.
Sirius nodded, but hesitated.
"Go for it" James smiled, encouraging him, "I'm listening"
"I…I didn't…I didn't mean to-", Sirius tried a different route of conversation, "He hates me, doesn't he?"
James shook his head, "I don't think he does…he just needs time"
"I know" Sirius said quietly, his voice shaking again. James could tell that he was trying so hard not to let the tears fall and allow himself to break down. He put his hand on Sirius's arm, pressing it gently in comfort and Sirius looked away at the touch.
They both sat in silence, only the sound of Peter's breathing could be heard.
"I was scared," Sirius broke the silence, "I couldn't cope anymore James! Leaving home. Regulus becoming a –" his voice shattered and the tears finally fell. James took the opportunity to pull his best friend into his arms, hugging him, but Sirius refused to accept and continued. "He….he used the cruciatus curse on me,"
"Who, Reg-?" James sounded surprised.
"No. He's too scared…Sniv-", Sirius stopped, "Snape did,"
"Students shouldn't know that! Pads, you should tell someone! Tell Dumble-"
"James, please!"
James was silent.
"It reminded me of when she did it to Sam. I was so scared; I didn't know what to do!" Sirius continued, tears falling fast. James knew that he was talking about the incident between Sam and Sirius's mother. It was clearly distressing him, but James resisted and didn't put his arms around him, because he was sure that Sirius would still refuse the embrace.
"I told him to go….to go to the Shrieking Shack", Sirius said. James knew what had happened, for he had saved Severus after all, but he stayed silent and let Sirius talk. Sirius hesitated; a sob escaped his throat and he let his head fall forward as he began to cry. "I…only…wanted to scare him! I didn't…didn't think he…would go!"
James put his arms around him again, but this time Sirius did not resist as he was pulled into a comforting embrace, he pressed closer to James, gripping the back of his shirt tightly. "Please don't hate me," he said quietly through his tears.
James had never seen Sirius in this state before; not even when he arrived at his house after leaving home. Yes, he had cried a little, but he had not broken down completely. Sirius had always been the strong one of the group. Never to let anyone know how he felt. Never to show anyone how he felt. He was always the one comforting the rest of the group, if anyone was upset or angry. He was always the one to lighten the mood.
"I don't hate you Pads," James said softly, "you're the brother I never had, and I could never hate you. No matter what you did"
"I hate myself," Sirius said quietly, "I can never forgive myself, and I don't know how Remus can,"
"Yes, he will. You just need to-"
"Give him time! Yes, I know!" Sirius shouted, tears still flowing down his face, "I know…" he was shaking violently as James held him.
"Shhh…Pads…" It was like comforting a small child, Sirius was so upset and James hoped that Remus would forgive him soon; or he didn't know what would happen. Sirius had no family; He only had his friends; he betrayed one of them so badly that Sirius thought that he didn't even deserve forgiveness.
James rubbed circles along Sirius's back to calm him, "It'll be alright, Pads. Don't worry about it. It'll all be fine" he whispered softly, unable to hide the hurt in his voice.
Sirius didn't answer, but nodded slightly.
"Sirius-?
Pulling away from the embrace, Sirius moved a little and pushed away, leaning back against the headrest. He pulled his legs close to his chest, and rested his chin on his knees.
James watched him anxiously, "You haven't told him yet, have you?"
"What?" Sirius asked.
"Haven't told Remus about leaving home?"
"No"
"Why- don't you-"
"Of course I trust him James!" Sirius cut him off, "I just don't want to tell him. Not now anyway. He will only feel that he has to forgive me; I know what he's like. I don't want him to forgive me…just because of that…I shouldn't have done it! Leaving home is not a fucking reason for betraying your friends!"
"Sirius," James reasoned, "It's not-"
"Yes! It is my fault! It's ALL my fucking fault!" He put his head forward in his arms, and remained silent.
"Sirius, stop this," James moved closer and put his arm around Sirius's shoulders again, "It's just a mistake"
"A stupid mistake-"
"Everyone makes them"
"Its just so hard, James! It hurts so much"
James pressed Sirius's shoulder gently, "I know, Sirius. Just get some sleep okay?
We'll sort this out tomorrow", he stood up and started to move away.
"James?" Sirius's voice was quiet, as if he was still on the verge of tears.
"Yes?" James turned around.
"Thank you-", when James said nothing, he looked up.
James smiled at him, accepting the thanks. Sirius smiled back, and James returned to his own canopy, climbing into bed. James looked over, and Sirius's eyes were filled with guilt and sadness. "Everything will be okay" James reassured him, "I promise. Trust me" He gave Sirius a mock glare, "You do trust me, don't you?"
Sirius laughed a little and nodded. James smiled back, and twisted a little in his bed covers and fell asleep almost immediately. Sirius lay back and pulled the duvet close, holding it tightly around himself, he didn't close his eyes, and waited for sleep to take him as the nightmares hovered above.