Never Been Loved

by PianZoe

Oh, I don't know where this story came from, but if you like stories that make you cry, you have gotta read this one! It made me cry while I was writing it. Summery: Helga Pataki was a young girl that never got to feel what it felt like to be loved.

I was in a very sad mood when I wrote this. Heck, I'm still sort of in a sad mood, but not as much. But, oh man, this story made my friend (who hardly ever cries) cry like crazy! I don't even know where it came from in my mind, but... hey, wait a minute! This is my first sad-like fic, isn't it? I don't own Hey Arnold!

Helga laid on her bed, crying her eyes out until they became dry. In fact, she had cried so much, she was sure she couldn't any more. It was confirmed that no one actually did care for her today. Her parents had been worse than normal, and her friends kept leaving her... even Arnold...

*=*flashback*=*

She walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen to grab her lunch that she had made the day before. She searched in the fridge where she had put it, but it wasn't there. She stood up, and walked to one of the cupboards; the one Miriam usually placed her lunches. She swung it open, but it wasn't there. She sighed angrily, shut the cupboard, and walked over to another one. Not there either, so it must be somewhere else.

"Miriam, where did you put my lunch?!" she screamed, and Miriam sauntered into the kitchen drowsily.

"What was that honey? Oh, yes, your lunch! Your dad ate it yesterday..." she hiccuped, and Helga's jaw dropped. She stormed into the livingroom, where Bob was sitting there watching his newest beeper commercial.

She stepped in front of the tv, making Bob frown, trying to look around her. "Hey, Olga, move it, I'm trying to watch my new beeper commercial!" Helga turned around, and shut off the tv, then turned back to him.

"Not until you tell me WHY you ate MY lunch, yesterday!" she shouted, making Bob stand up, still frowning. She frowned back, and took a step forward. "That was for today for lunch, for ME!" she screamed, and he hit her across the face. She touched where he had hit her, then she looked up at him with wide eyes. "Bob... y-you... hit me." she stuttered, and Bob walked around her to the tv to turn it back on. She stared at his back as he turned it on, then walked back over to his chair and sat down on it. Tears were almost running down her cheeks by now. "Bob, why? Why did you first eat MY lunch, then hit me because of it?" she asked.

He looked at her with half of his unibrow raised. "Because Miriam hadn't fixed dinner yesterday and she gave me it. And I hit you because you were bitching and because you turned off my tv on my newest commercial." he told her, then threw a beer can at her. "While you're still here, Olga, get me another beer. NOW!" he shouted at her, making her frown, and stomp out of the room. Her cheek was beginning to turn bright red, and swell, but she didn't care.

"Get it yourself, you gargantuan ogre." she grumbled as she walked out of the trophy room. She walked into the kitchen, threw a slim fast meal on the go bar (that Olga had gotten because she thought that she was 'too fat!') into her lunch box that she STILL had, and then she walked out of the house, onto the stoop. She sat on it until the bus (that she still rode, even though all of her friends drove to school) came, and she walked onto it. She sat down in her usual spot, that she usually has to fight for, and reached into her purse. She searched around in it for a minute, before bringing a small mirror out, so she could examine her cheek that Bob had hit. She looked at the mirror, which was showing her cheek, and frowned. Her whole cheek was swelling, and bright red. She sighed, and put the mirror back in her purse, then slid down in her spot.

The bus arrived at her school, and she hopped off the bus, then ran into the school building. School was a safe haven compared to her house; she had friends here. Not many, but at least SOME people actually LIKED her. She leaned against the wall at the place she and Phoebe usually wait for each other at. She looked up, and her eyes widened. There Phoebe was, with Lila and Rhonda, walking in together. Lila and Rhonda's group was the popular group, and the enemies of her and Phoebe. She stopped leaning against the wall, and walked right in front of them. "Phoebe, what are you doing with THEM?" she shrieked, pointing to Rhonda and Lila.

Phoebe laughed, as Rhonda and Lila looked at her with a look that said 'tell-her.' "I'm sorry, but do I look like your friend? You were mean to me one time too many, Helga, and now I'm friends with them. They asked me to join their group, and I accepted. That's it, and if you'll excuse us, we have to get to class." she pushed Helga out of the way, and the three popular teen girls walked down the hall to their next class. Helga's jaw dropped, then she slumped against the wall, and slid down so she was sitting down.

She looked down at her lap, and tears soon streamed down her face and fell in her lap. "First Bob eats my lunch, then he hits me, and now Phoebe left me... does anyone care?" she whined, and brought her hands up to her face to hide the tears that were coming down like a waterfall. Soon after, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up, and saw Arnold (of course) squatting down next to her, concern in his emerald eyes. She looked down, so he wouldn't see her tears, and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "What do you want, football head?" she asked, and felt his hand pull away from her shoulder.

"I was just wondering if you were ok." he said defensively, and sat down next to her, make her look at him strangely. He looked at her, and shrugged. "What?" he asked, and she looked down, shaking her head.

"Nothing that would concern a dumb football head like you." she said, then looked back up at him, to see that he was frowning at her. "What is it, football head?" she asked as he stood up, and wiped himself off.

"I don't know why I even try! All you ever do is insult me! Why did I even CARE what happened between you and Phoebe, or what happened to your cheek?! I know you wouldn't appreciate it." he said angrily, making her stand up, and open and close her mouth five times, without a single word coming out. "No, Helga, don't even try to say anything to me. If you do, I won't listen, 'cause I know better; it'll all be insults! I'm sick of it... see ya." he then turned on his heel, and stormed off. Helga stood there, staring at his retreating back, tears coming down her face even worse now.

"I wasn't going to insult you... I was going to... to say s-sorry..." she said, then hung her head, and began sauntering towards her first class. She walked in, and sat down solemnly, resting her head down on the table.

Later at lunch, she sat down all by herself, and took out her slim fast bar. She examined it for a minute, then took a huge bite out of it, and rested her head on the table, tears engulfing her cheeks again. her back shook up and down from her sobs, and her tears were beginning to soak the table. She looked up when she heard laughing. There were Lila, Rhonda, and Phoebe all standing there, looking at her, and laughing. Rhonda leaned forward, and put on a fake sympathetic look. "Oh, you poor thing, did your best leave you all alone to do everything yourself?" she asked, then the three girls started laughing louder, and harder. Helga sighed, and looked away from them.

'Just ignore them. What they're saying isn't true, and I know it... the whole reason I'm crying is because no one cares about me any more.' she thought, trying to forget about stupid Rhonda, and her stupid 'group,' which now included Phoebe. She breathed in and out deeply a couple of times, then opened her eyes because she now heard a new group of laughter. In a table over, were Gerald, Harold, Sid, Stinky, and Arnold; all except Arnold laughing... at her, she was sure of it. She leaned forward a bit so she could hear what they were saying. "After all she's put us through, she completely deserves what's happening to her! She deserves to have Phoebe leave her, and have whatever happened to her cheek have happened! So don't feel bad, Arnold." Gerald said, tossing his arms in the air.

Helga's jaw dropped, and her eyes became wide. They WERE talking about her, and were saying that she deserved what was happening to her today! She rested her head on her arms, threw her slim fast bar to the side because she was no longer hungry, and began to cry even harder than she had been before.

*=*end flashback*=*

And she's been sobbing hysterically ever since. She sat up, and rubbed the tears from her eyes. She had just decided something, and was going to follow through on it if the first part of her plan didn't work. She stood up, and walked to her phone, then took it off the hook. She walked back over to her bed, sniffled, plopped down on it, and dialed Phoebe's phone number. After two rings, Phoebe answered, cheerfully as usual. "Hello, Heyerdahl residence, this is Phoebe speaking."

Helga took a deep breath, and began. "Phoebe, it's Helga, we need to talk."

"What about? You know, now we're some of the worst enemies..." Phoebe said with a sigh, and Helga bit her lip nervously.

"I was just calling to say sorry for all the stuff I've put you through. I mean, I've bossed you around, and I haven't treated you like a best friend. Please, can we be friends again? Please!" she begged, and crossed her legs into a pretzel. She waited for a minute for Phoebe's response.

"Ha, yeah right. Rhonda and Lila are way better, because they actually keep their promises." with that, Phoebe hung up. Helga clicked her phone off, and stared at it for a minute. If Arnold didn't forgive her... she was going to have to do what she had been planning since lunch. She dialed his number, and waited for him to answer.

"Hello, you have reached the sunset arms boardinghouse, this is Arnold." Arnold answered, just what Helga was hoping for. She sighed, and ran her fingers through her hair nervously.

"Uh, hi Arnold, it's Helga. Before you go thinking I'm going to be insulting you... I'm sorry. I know you're probably going to not forgive me, but I just had to get this off my chest before..." she trailed off, and looked at the thing that she planned on doing 'plan b', as she called it, with.

"Before what?" Arnold asked in an annoyed manner. Helga sighed, and looked back down to her pillow.

"Never mind that, I can't tell you. I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry for being so mean and nasty all those years. I know this is a useless question, but, do you forgive me?" she asked, hoping that she would be wrong. She crossed the fingers on both her hands, stuck out her tongue to the side, and closed her eyes.

"Are you kidding? That would be... 13 years of torture that I would be forgiving you for. You would be the only one to benefit from it; and even though I feel like it's the right thing to do (which is what I always do)... I just can't say that I forgive you. I mean, I would forgive you, then you'd go back to your normal self, and would pick on me tons like normal. You understand, right? Of course you do." 'That was the last I will hear his wonderful voice.' she thought to herself as she shut of her phone. 'What a memory to take with you to the grave...' she took the knife she had, and placed it on her night stand. She quickly wrote up four notes, and placed them on her pillow, where she figured her head would land.

She grabbed the knife, turned around so her head would land on the pillow, and held it high above her head. "You should be happy, after this, parents. All you'll have is Olga. You should really be happy, Phoebe; no horrible Helga to pester you any more. Same to you, Arnold. You'll really be happy, because I'll be out of the way, and won't ruin you and Lila's dates." by this time, she had tears streaming down her face, faster now. "Ok, Helga ol' girl. You can do this... do it for everyone YOU care about, but wishes you were dead. Heh, I'm about to make that wish come true." she tightened her grip around the cooking utensil, then plunged it down, quickly. It met with her skin, and blood soon flowed out of the wound. She fell backwards, her head landing on the pillow, and her eyes staring up at the ceiling. "Thank... you... everybody... for telling... me... how appalling... I was... so I didn't... have... to... be in... the... way... any longer... than 16 years..." she whispered, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her breath went away, and the candle she had had burning went out, because of a breeze that blew in through the window. She was gone...

;_;_;_;_;_;

Miriam jolted awake, from a phone ringing. She yawned, and grabbed the phone off the counter. "H'llo?" she answered, in a slurred voice.

"Uh, hi Mrs. Pataki. I was wondering, since Helga wasn't in school today, if she is alright?" a worried male voice asked, and Miriam sighed. She looked at the stairs, and yawned again.

"And who would this be?" she asked, tiredly.

"Arnold."

"Well, Alfred, as far as I know, she is up doing something in her room. Want me to go..."-hiccup-"... check on her?" she asked, then heard a weird sound come from the phone; it sounded like a muffled 'what?!' but she couldn't tell.

"Ok, Mrs. Pataki. Oh, and my name is ARNOLD, not Alfred." he corrected, and Miriam nodded her head slowly. She walked slowly to the stairs, then walked up them, and knocked on Helga's room door.

"Helga, honey, your little friend... Archibald is on the phone. Helga... you in there, honey?" she asked through the door, but no one answered. She turned the door handle, and opened the door a crack. She looked in, and saw Helga laying on the bed. She walked in a little more, thinking that Helga was asleep. "Helga, wake up. Your little friend wants to talk to you..." she walked close enough to see the small red stain on Helga's shirt that looked like it came from a bigger stain. Her eyes widened, and she turned Helga over, so she was facing upwards. Miriam gasped, and clasped her hand over her mouth. Helga's hands were clutched around a knife, that had a blood stain on it, and where her heart is, was where the blood stain Miriam had seen first came from. She dropped the phone as she collapsed backwards onto the floor.

Arnold heard the gasp and the thump, and he was now worried. He knew that he had told Helga that he wasn't ever going to accept her apology, and that he had basically told her that he didn't care, but he was now getting worried. He hung up his phone, then grabbed his coat, and slipped into it. He rushed out his bedroom door, down the stairs, and out the door into his car. He took off down the street to Helga's house. 'I know I'm supposed to not care... but I hope she's alright. Please be alright, Helga. I hope everything is ok...' he thought to himself as he drove. He pulled up in front of her house, and ran up to the door. He knocked on the door, and looked up to her window. He bit his lip nervously, because no one was answering. He grabbed the doorknob, and went in, because he knew someone was here. He was just talking to Miriam ten seconds ago, of course, there HAD to be someone inside! He walked in, and called out, "Hello? Anyone home?"

He walked in a little farther, then heard a sob come from upstairs. He looked at the staircase, then walked to it, and walked up the stairs to Helga's room. He turned the doorknob, and opened the door a crack, so he could see in. He saw Miriam kneeling next to the bed, with her arms and head resting on the bed. He opened the door a little more, and stepped in. "Hello? Mrs. Pataki... is... is everything ok?" he asked, almost scared to hear what she would say. She turned to look at him, and he saw tears streaming down her face. Then he got a good look at the bed. There was Helga... laying there, limp... with a blood stain all over her shirt. He gasped, and ran over. "What happened?!"

"I-I'll let y-you read it i-in this n-n-note she wr-wrote f-f-f-for you, A-Arnold." she handed him a note, that was sealed with a heart sticker. He looked at Miriam, who was now reading the note that Helga had written for her, Bob, and Olga, and then he looked down at his note. The note had his name in gold gel pen writing, and was in cursive. He turned the note around, un-did the sticker, and pulled the note out of it.

It read:

"Dear Arnold,

I know you hate me, and that's the whole reason you're reading this right now. Because I killed myself, because no one even 'likes' me. Do you understand? I'm sure you do, even though you're the densest person I know. I'm probably boring you, now, aren't I? Anyway, on with the reason I wrote this small note-after-death. I am trying to tell you that, even though I used to pick on you more than any other person on earth, I have loved you since preschool. In fact, that's the whole reason why I picked on you. To hide the fact that I loved you. I had shrines in my closet (if you look now, you can see a ladder, and the leads to the attic, and I have a shrine up there), over 14 volumes of love poetry to you, I always ruined all the dates you went on with Lila or anyone else, I was the fake Cecile, I gave up my Nancy Spumoni snow boots to get that guy to find that friend of your's' daughter, I had a locket with your picture in it, and that's not all, but I don't want to write any more. I also figure you're getting bored. Anyway, remember how I called you on Friday, to say sorry? Actually, I knew you wouldn't accept it, so that was just a step ahead to convince me to actually kill myself. With you hating me, there wasn't any use to live, so, you get the picture. You probably didn't even read this, so I shouldn't have even wrote it, but I wanted to get this off my chest. I'm going to go write Miriam, Bob, and Olga's note, Phoebe's note, and Lila's note now. Goodbye... forever.

Love,

Helga

P.S. You gave me a WONDERFUL last memory to take to the grave with me... 'Are you kidding? That would be... 13 years of torture that I would be forgiving you for. You would be the only one to benefit from it; and even though I feel like it's the right thing to do (which is what I always do)... I just can't say that I forgive you. I mean, I would forgive you, then you'd go back to your normal self, and would pick on me tons like normal. You understand, right? Of course you do.' that's a wonderful memory, now isn't it? Sorry, I'm not trying to give you a guilt trip, I'm just trying to make you realize that you should choose your words more carefully."

By the time Arnold finished reading his letter, tears were coming down his cheeks. It was all his fault... she had told him so. How could he live with himself, now? He was practically a murderer! She had loved him, and what did he do? He convinced her to kill herself! He wiped his eyes, and shook his head. "No..." he whispered, then reread the note. By the time he ended reading it again, Miriam could hear him crying. He looked towards the closet, then stood up, and walked over to it. He opened it, and pushed the clothes to the side, to see a step ladder. He took the ladder, folded it so he could step up on it, and went up into the attic. He pushed himself up into the trap door that lead to it, then climbed up into the attic; when he got up in there, he looked up to see a rather large stuffed bear that looked slightly like him. His jaw dropped, and tears began coming down his face even harder. He climbed back down into the normal part of the room, and walked over to the phone.

He dialed Phoebe's number, because he figured that she should be the next to know. The phone rang for a minute, and then Phoebe answered. "Hello, Heyerdahl residence, this is Phoebe speaking." he sighed shakily, and sat down on the desk chair.

"Phoebe, it's Arnold. I-I'm over here at Helga's, and I figured that you should be the second to know... even though you two weren't friends any more." he managed to say, but he could barely get his voice to work. There was a small pause, then Phoebe replied.

"'Weren't'? Know what?" she asked, and Arnold sighed, again shakily.

"Phoebe... I think you better get over here. Helga killed herself, and she left a note for you." he said, and heard a gasp. He looked over at the deceased Helga, and tears engulfed his eyes again, so he couldn't see.

"Oh no! I'll be over in a minute..." with that, Phoebe hung up. Before Arnold could even stand up, he heard the doorbell. He walked out the bedroom door, and down the stairs to the front door. He wiped his face off, so it wouldn't be so obvious that he had been crying. Course, Phoebe probably could tell by his voice that he had been crying. He opened the door, and Phoebe stood there, looking down at her feet. "Hello, Arnold. On my way over, I was wondering if you got a note from her too, and if you did, what did she say?" she looked up at him, and he looked down at his feet.

"That she loved me..." he said. 'Oh great... here I go again. Mr. Sensitive is what I should rename myself to...' Tears came again, and fell to the floor. He slightly shook from crying, and Phoebe could see it. He looked back up at her, and shook his head. "A-and th-that I h-helped her ch-choose to kill herself! It w-was m-m-my fault! Phoebe, I f-feel horrible! I f-f-feel like I-I basically t-told her t-to kill herself!" he said, and Phoebe put her hand on his shoulder.

"Arnold, don't feel so bad. I'm part of the reason, I think, also... because I wouldn't forgive her, and be friends with her any more." she tried comforting him, as tears started coming down her face too. "I'm sure her parents had something to do with it, also. Sure, she said that, but I'm sure she didn't want you to beat yourself up because of what she said." she said, and he shook his head again; she could see that he was crying harder.

"I could have stopped her, Phoebe! Sh-she practically told me that she w-was going to k-kill herself! She said, "I know you're probably going to not forgive me, but I just had to get this off my chest before..." she practically told me, Phoebe! I could I have stopped her...!" he cried, and shook his head, looking down at his feet. Phoebe sighed, and hugged him, making him look up.

"Come on, I'm going to go read my note now. You come too. All right?" she pulled away, grabbed his hand, and began dragging him up to Helga's room. They (more like, Phoebe dragged Arnold) walked into the room, and when Phoebe saw Helga lying on the bed, she let go of Arnold's hand and ran over to the bed. "Oh, Helga, I'm so sorry! I should have forgiven you... I should have..." she whispered to Helga's corpse as Miriam handed her a letter. Her name was written in blue gel pen ink on the front of the envelope. She ripped it open, and began reading the note.

"Dear Phoebe,

I know you never wanted to speak to me again, but, I had to write you this small note, to explain how sorry about everything I am. I know I was bitchy to you, and I just wish you could understand how sorry I am. You know how my nastiness started, back in preschool, and why it started. If that had never happened, I probably would still be alive, and your friend. By the time you decide to read this, you would probably be married and have two adorable children, because you're so mad at horrible Helga (me). Has Arnold read his note yet? Or Lila? Has she read her note yet? Or are those two married or something? I would like to know, but I can't, because I'm gone for good now. Wow, and the whole reason was because Bob ate my lunch and hit me... (there are other reasons, but I would rather not mention those.) If you are reading this right after I died, like the day after or something, please make sure when you guys go through my old stuff, that Arnold gets my poem books. Wow, listen to me, I'm talking as if we were still friends, and you had forgiven me. And I'm rambling! I have to get to Lila's note and Miriam, Bob, and Olga's note! Goodbye, forever, Pheebs... I hope you'll miss me at least a little...

Love,

Helga

P.S. you were the best friend I ever had. Well, actually, you were really my only friend that actually cared about me at one point. (Besides Brainy, but he was more of a stalker)

P.P.S. come on, go for Gerald, don't let him think that you don't care about him. Go for him, now, I know you like-like him!!"

Phoebe sighed, and shook her head. Just as she had thought... it was partly her fault that Helga killed herself. But would Helga actually say that? Of course not, she never actually admitted anything to anybody. She sniffled, and wiped her eyes. She couldn't keep it in, so she burst out crying, and buried her face in her hands. Arnold nodded his head, and hugged her from behind. "Maybe we should have Lila come and read her note?" he asked as he pulled away. Phoebe nodded, and wiped her eyes.

"I wonder why she wrote her a note..." Phoebe asked no one in particular, and dialed her number. After going through a discussion with a bunch of 'ever-so's and 'oh-so's, Lila was coming, and Phoebe was still crying.

When Lila got there, she went straight upstairs, and grabbed her note. She didn't show that she didn't like that Helga had killed herself, but she did. Inside, she did. She ripped her note open, without looking at Helga's body, or even looking at the envelope of the letter. The note read:

"Dear Lila (why did I call you 'dear'?),

I know we're complete enemies, but I had to write this. This is much shorter than Arnold's, Phoebe's, or my family's notes, because I only have one thing to say. Could you get it through your thick head that you need to stop playing Arnold's emotions? Could you either stop being so... snobbish and get together with him, or just stop flirting with him? It drives him crazy, because he really, really likes you. So, would you just stop doing something, and start doing something else?! I'm about to kill myself, and I wanted to make sure you would do something like that. It's obvious that you like him back, or you wouldn't flirt with him like that. So, anyway, I gotta go, I looked at my clock, and it's time to kill myself. Goodbye forever.

From,

Helga

P.S. remember... if you continue pretending that you hate Arnold, you'll end up like me... except, maybe alive, but still miserable..."

Lila gave the letter a weird look, then looked over her shoulder at Arnold and Phoebe. She sighed, walked over to Arnold, and dropped her letter. "Arnold, my letter told me something... actually, told me to do something that I'm oh so sure is too hard for me." she said, hiding her hands behind her back. He gave her a confused look, and she sighed. "It told me to... to get ever so together with you, because I... oh, you read it!" she picked it up, and thrust it into his face. He read it, and looked up at her with wide eyes. "I want to do the... the first one. Because... what she said is true. I... I do like-like you, I was just afraid that Rhonda would ditch me if she found out..." Arnold smiled a completely forced smile, and hugged her.

"Thanks for telling me, Lila. I... I guess we could get together now." he said, and looked at Helga's body, that was still lying there. He sniffed, and wiped his face off. They all decided that one of them better call someone, to get her out of here.

;_;_;_;_;

A month later, Lila and Arnold, and Phoebe and Gerald were standing in front of Helga's grave; Phoebe and Arnold were both crying, and Lila and Gerald were close to tears themselves. Each couple put a bouquet of different kinds of flowers on the grave, and backed up a little. "We really do miss you, Helga. You didn't have to kill yourself." Phoebe said, and the others nodded their heads.

They all turned around, and began walking back to their cars. Arnold stopped, and looked back at the grave stone, then turned to Lila. He stopped her, and said, "I'll catch up in a minute. I have to go... do something." Lila nodded her head, and he sauntered back over to the grave stone. He read the inscription on the thing, and smiled a sad smile. "'Helga Pataki never was a young girl that never got to feel what it felt like to be loved. She is buried here. She was born on March, 25th, 1987, and died on March, 22nd, 2003.' You may have never got to feel what it was like... but you were loved... if not by anyone else, by me..." tears cascaded down his cheeks, and he looked down at his lap. He suddenly could feel a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up. He gasped, and stood up. "Helga?" he asked quietly, and she shushed him.

"Yes, of course it's Helga." she said, softly, and he smiled, then tried to hug her. He went right through her. "I'm not alive, Arnold. I just came here to tell that I'm happy where I am, and I'm no longer miserable. And I don't want you to think that it was mostly your fault and make yourself miserable. Stay with Lila... you two love each other. Plus, I'm dead, you can't be with me." she slightly laughed, and he looked down. She bent down so she was looking Arnold in the eyes, and made him look up.

"But... I loved you, that's why I didn't like when you would snap at me."

"No, you loved me like a sister, not like you wanted to marry me." she corrected, and Arnold sighed. "I gotta go... and when I do, promise me that you'll not think about us like that. Think about all the fun times... and soon you'll forget me, to be happy with Lila. I already know that you marry her and have three children. I saw myself." she said with a smile. Arnold nodded his head, and she faded away. That was the last time he thought about her, thinking that it was his fault she killed herself...