Some words of introduction first of all: Something something Larry Larry. Holy crap.

Uh, what I actually MEANT to say was that this is Band8PGeek, DeterminedX2 and She Who Must Only Be TM speaking. This is a dual – well, technically trio – account, and this fic is one of our cowrites/brainchilds. We might get suspended for this collaboration like this, but who are we to back down from bad ideas, right? :P

What this fic essentially is, to précis the matter, is a series of crack fics about SpongeBob crack pairings. We'll release three fics per pairing in this one big collab, a one-shot by each author. So we're basically the SpongeBob equivalent of The Bad Four in the PPG fandom, except we all know how THAT turned out.

That said, on to our first dealt-with pairing, SpongeBob/Larry.

Brace yourselves…

Muscle Envy

Band8PGeek's version of SpongeBob/Larry

Sandy and SpongeBob were more than friends. There was no denying that.
Sandy and Larry had obvious chemistry. There was no denying that either.

To be honest, it was pretty hard to keep up with every change in the non-existent love triangle. That was probably because Sandy didn't really have time to focus on her love life to begin with, what with all the work for the evil overlord monkeys and all. But it was still fun to speculate what would happen.

Some said the poriferan would eventually snap and murder the lobster to get his way. Some said that the muscleman would naturally fend him away with his awesomeness. Squidward said that Sandy was probably a lesbian anyway.

So they'd all be surprised to learn that SpongeBob himself reckoned that she would actually be better off with the lobster.

It seemed a rather reasonable claim, actually. After all, one showed up the other in almost every respect, including all the important things.

Larry had muscles on his muscles on his muscles. SpongeBob struggled to do 100 thumb-presses.
Larry was an expert at saving lives on the beach. SpongeBob denied all undersea physics by being unable to swim.
Larry was uber-popular. SpongeBob was a super-nerd.
OK, so the cool one wasn't nearly as absorbent, but he made up for that in being so utterly tasty. And when was the last time you saw sponge on the menu?

Oh. Wait. Sponge cake. Sponge cake is tastier than boiled lobster. Except if you're Squilliam, I suppose, the little anti-sweet-toothed nympho.
But that's not the point.

One was everything the other wasn't.

What was it that Larry had told him once? "Face it, I'm gonna get the girl in the end, SpongeBob. Because I'm just awesome that way."
Sponge didn't stand a chance.

He had no choice…he'd better give up his girl. Even if his heart broke in the process.

He did it.

Sandy and Larry were now the talk of the town. They were practically everywhere on the media – newspaper, radio, talk shows… Larry had now got the chick.
He'd won.

SpongeBob knew it was for the best. He knew his inferiority compared to his rival for her affections. His was the right decision.
So why did his heart still hurt?

He still felt a pang of pain when seeing the couple together. He still felt those weird little feelings down below…couldn't explain what they were. He'd forfeited the competition – he should have learnt to forget the girl, right? He should learn to not be such a sore loser. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, after all.

Oh god, there they were again. Sandy looking uncharacteristically soppy, Larry showing off his trophy girl as usual with those big muscles of his. The muscles SpongeBob failed to possess.
They looked so perfect together. The ideal muscle couple.
So why did his damn heart hurt?

Maybe it was because, deep down, he still felt for Sandy.

Or maybe… perhaps… it wasn't Sandy he felt for…

Yes…it made sense, in a weird way. Larry was his superior, and that's bound to draw some psychological attachment to begin with. Like placing someone on a pedestal.
Yet it couldn't be. He couldn't suddenly switch affections from Sandy to Larry just like that. Not simply through muscle envy.

Yet…he had.

And somehow, he couldn't help but think that if he'd just learnt to swim to begin with, he wouldn't be in this mess.