Hi! This story used to belong to a nigga on here, but I remember reading this story when it first came on a few years ago and I asked for permission to rewrite it and he agreed. This story will be pretty much the same, but a few minor changes. I'm trying to copy that person's writing style, so here goes nothing!
It was an extremely cloudy day in September of 2004 in Konoha, a town that had grown tremendously over the past years. It was now a modernized area with a population of over 286,000 people, most of them refugees who had fled Minneapolis and were now finding a place to get some weed and cheap textbooks for their partial differential equations class which was required to even work at McDonald's, which they didn't have. In order to work as a Burger King janitor, you needed to be at least 22 and have a Ph.D in English Literature with no more than 4 B-'s on your report card. Soon...the bottom fell out, much like when you eat a huge meal at a Vietnamese buffet outside of Seattle and you gotta rush to take a shit on your toilet, but when you pull your underwear down, you spin really fast to get on the toilet but your ass muscles are weak and it gets all over the wall. That bad. It happened in a woman's restroom at this place for wood shipment or something.
A sexy clap of thunder echoed across the sky like a fat ass that was twerking to the Star Spangle Banner before the opening of a new dumpster for mattresses that was outside of Boston. The lightning began to illuminate the sky like veins of white electricity and the sound was enough to make you want to get your taxes audited by someone who could use sign language only understood by people who live in Iceland.
But all of this was good in the freaking ghetto of Cleveland, Ohio, because Uchiha Sasuke, an almost-thirteen-year-old shinobi with a hairstyle that made you wish your parents changed your name to something less racist, even if it was appropriate for whatever nationality you may be, was going to Costco. He was going to get some ingredients to make his girlfriend, Haruno Sakura, dinner for their two week anniversary together as a couple. Sure, it sounded sappy as all get-out, but the sentiment meant a lot to Sasuke.
Sasuke was driving his 1997 Volvo V70 station wagon. It was a very nice vehicle and had amazingly comfortable seats; in fact, the seats were so damn comfortable that the Prime Minister of the UK ripped out the backseat and uses it as a couch in his office. Then the Chancellor of Germany came over for a beer and they sat on it so the Chancellor got a 2004 S80 and used its front seats as office chairs. Sasuke was driving very carefully in his beautiful black station wagon whose license plate was WNKST4. He loved driving his car so much and was listening to something by Oprah. It made him so happy to listen to her.
After about ten minutes of driving, Sasuke finally got to Costco and he sighed as he got out and got his hair soaking wet. He shook it like it was a dog and he finally went inside after showing his cute little Costco membership card that had an expression on it like what you see when you're about to have your picture taken with a Tom Cruise stunt double outside of a Wendy's.
He took a basket and immediately went to the vegetables and got some onions. Man, did this nigga love onions! In fact, Sasuke once had a dream where he was wearing a Speedo and dived into a swimming pool filled with onion rings. He told his classmates about this, but then they started preaching about how a Speedo wouldn't look good on him unless he got a completely different hairstyle, but they praised the validity of his dream and how interesting it would be. Sasuke inhaled their odor and his mouth started to water. He got some carrots and potatoes as well and went to the section to get some roast to make for their dinner hopefully tonight.
It was 10:22 a.m, and Sasuke was hoping she would arrive home from her flight from Tokyo later. He grabbed some Flinstones Vitamins in order to give to her as a gift, but he needed some paper, too. He went over to the paper and saw they already had Christmas wrapping paper and tried to find some of the most neutral design. He got some with red flowers and put that in his basket. He was listening to his iPod with headphones he stole from a 7/11 by using a smoke Jutsu and was very happy with what he did. Now it was time to go to the check out line. But not before going to the candy and sweets. He bought a huge container of gummi dolphins and
He gave the cashier his membership card and she laughed at his haircut. He gave her the middle finger and then pulled out some cash from his L.L. Kool Jay wallet and paid for the stuff while he scoffed. This woman...This woman looked like she put on nail polish that was from the 88 cent store in Memphis, TN and her lipstick looked like some woman from Cambodia used it to put on a pig so it could win a contest. Her outfit looked like a blind Russian grandma chose at a Good Will in Dallas and her hairstyle looked like Don King's hairstylist did it. She was probably wearing a thong, too, for all Sasuke knew. Nonetheless, she was very nice and apologized about the comment she made, but her lip ring kept making her lisp when she talked. It was kinda funny, when you think about it.
Sasuke then put the groceries in a box and proceeded towards the exit. Ho...Ly...Shit. It was raining so hard that you couldn't even see nineteen feet in front of you. It was so loud that a deaf person could hear it. It was so wet that you could fill a gallon jug in less than fifteen seconds. It was so hard! And Sasuke didn't even steal an umbrella to use! Sasuke bought a drink from the snack bar and was drinking it. He would try to turn the cup upside down and put it on as a hat to try to keep some of the rain away.
"No..." he said as he looked at who was looking at the receipts and gasped. It was Akamichi Chouji, that little fatass with dried hair that looked like pine needles and a stupid-ass diaper. How the hell was HE working? But wait, there was something else going on. That fatty was eating something! Not that it was surprising.
"Gimme your receipt, nigga!" said Chouji as he called the next person. It was something he did out of habit because his stepmother was black. She told him it was okay to say that word and he's called everyone that but with good intentions.
"Chill the hell out, Chouji," scoffed Sasuke as he gave him the piece of paper. Chouji took it and the four silver bracelets on his fat arm began jiggling as he looked at it and then marked it with a sharpie he stole. "By the way, what are you eating?"
"Chili cheese fries, you potato head," remarked Chouji as he put the greasy chili-covered french fry next to his rubbery licks and began to smack really loudly. It was getting annoying.
"Uh-huh, yeah, and where the heck did you get them, you freaking fatass?!" exclaimed the emo ninja out of anger. He sure wanted to eat some of them.
"At Sonic, you dumb tittydush!" exclaimed Chouji as he threw a fry at Sasuke's face. Sasuke let it splat against his sexy nose and then grabbed that french fry and threw it 843 feet outside into the sky. It twinkled in the sky and then was struck by a bolt of lightning and was set on fire and landed on a gas station and blew up. The rain demolished the fire in about 42 seconds, though, thankfully, and no one died or lost their car in the explosion. Sasuke was about to snap. In fact he did. He snapped his knuckles and punched Chouji square in the face and then pushed him so hard that the fatass fell to the ground, dropping his fries in the process and then several people began to run out of the store as if there was a fire. They all stepped on the fries, smashing them in the process.
Chouji looked at what happened. His beloved fries were ruined thanks to Sasuke! He would get his revenge, somehow, even if he had to call someone from Burger King!
Sasuke was driving in the pouring down rain. Thankfully, the intensity let up and now he could see twenty-three feet ahead of him. But Chouji gave him idea, which was unusual. He was very curious about how those chili cheese fries would taste like. He started to drive towards Sonic and parked next to one of the stalls to order the food. He pressed the button and immediately his hand got soaking wet. It was so kinky!
"Welcome to Sonic! May I take your order, pimp?" said a female voice on the other line.
"Yeah, I'd like-" started Sasuke as he looked at the menu but his ass was interrupted.
"Boy, you sure sound like a fag!" giggled the voice on the other line, causing about six other people to laugh inside along with the woman. Sasuke just rolled his eyes at this. It wasn't the first time that someone said that to him. "Go ahead and order, playa!"
"I'd like a medium order of your chili cheese fries, pimp!" said Sasuke as he winked at the machine. He decided to let that minor insult go and was just focusing on getting some of the chili cheese fries. The Sonic was very nice; it had several workers who drove Lincoln Town Cars and Volvo S80's with spinners and the best surround-sound system that anybody could afford working at a place like this.
"Okay, nigga, so you wanted the medium chili cheese fries, is that correct?" said the voice.
"Yeah, Luda!" said Sasuke. "That's all I want."
"Please have your motherfucking money ready when I come, which may take at least forty-seven seconds," said the woman as she belched really loudly into the microphone. It was so quiet that it sounded like a dog farting, but he could tell that this bitch burped. And it was kinda funny in a stupid way. Sasuke waited for two minutes before a woman appeared. No...It was...
"Shizune?!" he exclaimed as he looked at the woman. "What the hell are you doing here?!"
Shizune sighed at Sasuke's words and then said, "I work here, you dumbass." She pointed to her kinky roller skates that were pink and blue. "Don't you think these skates are excellent for picking up guys?"
"Yeah, if they belong in a circus," commented Sasuke as he looked at Shizune. "Here, take your flippin' money and hand me the damn chili cheese fries!" He gave the weird-looking woman the money and she handed him the chili cheese fries. Sasuke looked at them and said,
"Bitch, these don't have any onions on them!"
"Sorry, we ran out, Sasuke!" she said in a lackluster tone as she began to skate away like a fairy princess.
Sasuke sighed as he looked at the fries that didn't have any onions on them. He then got a bright idea and got into the backseat and grabbed an onion out of the bag and grabbed a kunai. He peeled the onion and threw the peelings outside and then chopped it up really small and put it on his fries. He licked his lips. Damn, these fries looked so Gucci! He used his chopsticks and brought it to his mouth and swallowed it. Oh. My. Goodness. And. All. The. Freaking. Stars. In. The. Sky. These were so pimpalicious good! He began to eat more of the fries and was making gross noises while chewing and then finally finished them in about a minute. He was so satisfied that he threw all the trash out the window and then started to head home.
Sasuke wasn't even twenty feet out of the parking lot, but something started to feel wrong. Very wrong, indeed. His stomach was starting to grumble and it felt very unpleasant indeed. It felt like his intestines were holding a battle down there and he was getting really nervous as to what would happen next. All the sudden, it happened. Phhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbt! Uchiha Sasuke farted really, really loudly. In fact, it was such a loud fart that it hurt his asshole a little bit. He was scared. He had never farted so terribly in all his life. Did Shizune do something? What happened?! He turned around and went back to the drive-in menu thing and pushed the button.
"Shizune, what did you do?!" commanded Sasuke with anger as he let out four really loud farts within three seconds. They started to smell like rotten onions and dill pickles.
"Like, oh my gosh, are you farting?" she asked with a devious snicker. She had never heard Sasuke fart, let alone anyone else other than herself, and it was hilarious.
"Dammit, Shizune, this isn't funny!" exclaimed Sasuke as he let out another extremely loud fart. "Owww! My asshole!"
"Get your stinky ass outta here; we need that space for customers!" said Shizune as she and every single person working inside started laughing at Sasuke.
"Yeah, well screw you guys, I'm going home!" protested Sasuke as he put his Volvo in reverse and began to head home with an ass that kept on farting like there was no tomorrow. He couldn't even begin to imagine how bad the seat would smell when he got home.