Just Once

"It's alright Tosh, really it's alright." Then there was silence and Toshiko's heart began to break.

She was lying on the autopsy room floor, blood steadily and unceasingly flowing out of her and surrounding her in a dark liquid pool. Her senses were deserting her and she was slipping away – towards the darkness.

So this is it. She thought sneering at herself. This is the death of Toshiko Sato, dying alone in a pool of your own blood having just killed the man you love.

The screen projected onto the autopsy room wall was flashing – a constant reminder of the sacrifice that Owen Harper had made. She had sent him to save Cardiff from a nuclear reactor explosion and he had done it but she hadn't been able to save him. He was trapped and the flashing readouts on the screen kept reminding her – REACTOR CONTAINER FLOODED. He was gone, forever.

You are such a fool Tosh, you deserve this. He never loved you so why couldn't you move on? You should have taken more risks, put yourself out there more instead of hiding behind science, work. And now you will never know. Its true what they say, the two most terrifying words in the world are What If?

The energy had almost finally left her as Toshiko lay back and stared mournfully at the wall not really seeing anything anymore. A final tear trickling down the side of her face. The end was coming and she was almost praying for it.

Oh but I wish just once that I could have known what it was like to be held in his arms. For him to tell me he loved me and really mean it. Not to be hampered into it by desperation or pity or regret. Maybe if we had actually had that one date then maybe. Just once I would've liked him to feel for me what I do for him. I love you Owen Harper, God knows why but I do. I only wish you'd felt the same.

Her vision was becoming blurry now. The room was fracturing, jumping like when you pressed pause on a video tape. This must be how it happens, her brain was shutting down naturally her vision would be one of the first things to be affected. She slowly closed her eyes silently and patiently waiting for the abyss.

Something was wrong though. She waited and waited but she could sense she was still conscious. Cautiously she tried slowly opening her eyes again, afraid of what she might find. Shock ran through her when she finally did open her eyes. She was still on the floor of the autopsy room looking up at the screen on the wall! How could this be, how can she still be here? A moment ago all the energy had drained out of me as sure as all my blood has drained out of me and is now surrounding me on the floor.

It was only then she noticed that everything was still, really still. Everything was frozen. The screen on the wall had stopped in mid flash and was no longer updating – the clock had stopped. She could hear nothing, no sound at all. Normally even if she were alone in the hub she could still hear background noises like the gentle rumble of the rift manipulator or the distant echo of the howls from the Weevils reverberating through the hub from the deep dark underground cells. But there was nothing and the silence was frightening and deafening. Combined with the frozen stillness of everything around her Tosh began to feel increasingly alarmed as her eyes darted around the room desperately looking for any signs of movement, any signs of life.

Her eyes were just about to dart away from the spiralling staircase to her right when they were caught back by the figure of a woman standing halfway down them who was staring directly at her and had a huge friendly smile on her face. She leant forward onto the railings, her hands clasped together and still looking intently at her she said

"Hello Toshiko, oh it is so good to finally talk to you."

Completely baffled and not a little alarmed at this new strange turn of events Tosh turned her head slightly so she could make a proper scrutiny of this new stranger. She appeared to be in her late twenties, she had long strawberry blond hair and dark grey blue eyes. She was not what you would call pretty or even striking but she looked very odd. Her face was an amalgamation of plainness. A plain ordinary forehead, with a plain long nose and high cheekbones and leftover puppy fat topped off with plain dull lips – all these features on their own seem quite ordinary, but when they were all placed together on this woman it looked rather like someone had gone mad with a Mrs Potato Head. It just didn't fit and the woman looked odd – friendly and charming – but distinctly odd.

"I mean I know all about you, well all of you really, but this is the first time I have actually spoken to one of you." The strange woman said this in a rather excited tone of voice.

It was only now that the whole ridiculousness of this situation was finally sinking in for Tosh. Here she was spread out on the floor, hand clamped to her stomach trying in vain to stop the bleeding from her gunshot wound and there was this woman waltzing into Torchwood, oblivious to the whole thing and acting like a besotted fan trying to ask their favourite actor for an autograph.

"Who are you?" said Tosh, exasperation and annoyance very clear in her voice.

The stranger stood up straight again at this, looked puzzled for a moment, turned around and started walking down the stairs. She was obviously thinking very hard about something and it wasn't until she reached the bottom of the stairs that she spoke again.

"Yes, I had forgotten that you humans are so rigid when it comes to designation. Everything has to have a designation. I knew this and still I did not come prepared." She said this last bit almost to herself and hit her head like she had forgotten something.

"Lets see...ummm...oh...what was the designation of that person I read about the other day...ummm....Natasha! Yes, yes that should work" the woman cleared her throat and gave a little bow before she went on to say "You may call me Natasha."

Tosh just stared at "Natasha" in complete bewilderment. She was at a complete loss, she had no idea what was going on and quite frankly she didn't care. She was going to die in a minute anyway and she didn't want to deal with whatever this alien (quite clearly she wasn't human) wanted. She'd given up the last chunk of her life dealing with aliens, if she was going to die then the least they could do was leave her alone.

"Natasha who?" said Tosh in a rather bitter sarcastic tone which really didn't suit her but hey death can make you do strange things. Look at what happened to Owen for Christ sake.

"Oh I haven't got time to think of all that" said Natasha with a gesture of her hand brushing away at the air "Come on – let's go. It's now or never." As she had been speaking Natasha had walked over to Toshiko and now stood over her with her hand outstretched, clearly waiting for Tosh to take it and pull herself up to her feet.

Tosh looked at Natasha, then at her hand, then down at her own hand still clamped around the gunshot wound and then back up to Natasha.

"Er, it may have escaped your notice but I am in no fit state to go anywhere anymore."

This woman is unbelievable. How dare she make fun of me and torment me in my final few moments alive.

"I'm doing no such thing Toshiko, now come on just because I've temporarily stopped this timeline doesn't mean we've got all day. Come on up on your feet." Natasha was waving her outstretched hand impatiently towards Tosh.

"You...read my mind...hold on stopped the timeline...I don't..what..." babbled Toshiko who was startled and confused, a feeling she was not at all used to and really didn't like.

Exasperated with Toshiko's unusual slowness Natasha grabbed her by both wrists and pulled her up to her feet. Tosh was about to voice her protests as what Natasha was doing was clearly futile, she was on the verge of death there was no way she could move. But before she could say anything she was standing. Standing. On her own two feet.

"See you're fine" said Natasha warmly with a big grin on her odd face.

And she was, she felt...well fine. How was this possible? She looked down to her stomach but there was no wound. It was a miracle – she was alive and well she was...

"Yeah sorry Toshiko, it is only temporary" said Natasha with a twinge of sadness in her voice as Toshiko in her giddy adulation had spun round and was now looking at herself on the ground. Frozen in time from just a few minutes ago, hand to her midriff, pool of blood around her, look of absolute dejection on her face staring with dead eyes up at the wall.

Tosh was staring down at herself and an unsettling creeping realisation took hold of her. She drew in a deep breath turned around to face Natasha and spoke.

"Is this a dream?"

"No"

"Am I dead?"

"Not right now, but you...(Natasha pointed down to the lying Toshiko)... will be in about one and a half minutes from now."

"How come I'm here and there at the same time then?"

"Ah well technically "you're" (Natasha made quotation marks with her hands) not there you here with me. Like I said I've frozen this timeline and pulled you out for a while."

"What are you?"

"Ohhhhh that is a very long and very complex story which I really don't have time, ha get it – OK fine, to get into now. Much as I'd loved to stay here and answer all your questions so your logical empirical mind can get a handle on all this for now just go with the flow OK. My name is it?, is Natasha, I can stop infinite timelines temporarily and travel between them, my well I suppose the closest word is job is to protect said timelines from fracturing."

"So why are you here...can you stop me from dying?" Tosh added almost hopefully.

But Natasha looked sadly at her and her voice took on for the first time a sombre tone.

"No Toshiko, I'm sorry. It is decreed in this timeline. You will die here in a minute from now. I don't have the power to alter it."

Then why are you here? thought Toshiko bitterly as she bent her head and stared mournfully at the floor. Natasha moved to her side and wrapped her arm around her gently comforting her and steering her up the spiral stairs of the room.

"Believe me Toshiko, I'm not here to gloat, to pry, to dissect your life. I'm just going to show you why you shouldn't be sad that you're going to die."

Natasha was gently rubbing Toshiko's arm as they continued to walk and despite herself Toshiko felt such warmth in this stranger's arms. She felt safe and comforted and she desperately needed to be held by someone, anyone at this moment. She felt so alone, afraid and whoever this Natasha might be, whatever tricks she may have had in store for her at this moment Toshiko didn't care. She was willing to let this stranger take her wherever she wanted to go if it meant she could forget and be held for just a little longer. Unwilling to break this little bubble of contentment Toshiko said nothing but the silence was broken by Natasha.

"Ah yes, the Rift Manipulator" said Natasha sneeringly. They had made their way back to the centre of the hub and were standing next to Toshiko's station but Natasha's full hostile glare was fixed entirely on the Manipulator.

"That thing has caused me no end of trouble. I am always constantly worried about all of you who are close to it. It makes my job ten times harder, it's bad enough watching over all of you in normal time but add that thing into it and it opens up a whole range of unwanted alternatives which were never even meant to be conceived of."

Toshiko was confused. "What do you mean all of us? Jack, Gwen, Ianto...?"

Still distracted by the manipulator Natasha didn't turn her head as she casually said "No no all of you. All the different and separate alternatives of you."

"What?"

"Every choice has at least two outcomes? Ring any bells? Just because "you" didn't pick one option doesn't mean the other one didn't get carried out. The other Toshiko is out there living the life based on that choice and so on." Natasha turned around as she said this and took in Toshiko's stunned face.

"OK was kind of thinking you would be able to accept this a little faster than other people, being a scientist and all. You never believed in the theory. You work here, I mean hello, what more proof do you need of alternate/parallel universes?"

Toshiko was stunned and yes she did find it hard to believe. But she thought that perhaps it was so incomprehensible because it was close to home. She had no problem excepting that the Rift opened up a gateway in time brought people from the past to here and now or that it brought through aliens and objects and technologies from places far beyond the galaxy. But she never thought that it would apply to herself, to the everyday things. That there was a parallel, no several thousand parallel versions of her life, of her world, of herself and it frightened her.

Natasha could see the inner struggle going on inside Toshiko's mind and much as she would like to give her time to adjust to all this she really couldn't. Time was moving on and she was going to be in serious trouble before long when they found out what she was doing. It was after all forbidden, but she couldn't help herself. With a smile she thought to herself, it will be worth it. Standing in front of Toshiko she grabbed her hands tightly.

"Time to go"

Before Toshiko could even open her mouth everything went blindingly white, the light was burning and Toshiko forced her eyes shut. The next second she felt Natasha let go of her hands.

"We're here!" she cried with an air of showing off. Toshiko opened her eyes and glanced around her nervously. Then a sudden incomprehensible feeling of anti climax washed over her, she was standing in the middle of her own flat. She didn't not what she was expecting to find but her ordinary dull empty flat certainly didn't jump to mind.

"OK so..." but Toshiko didn't really know what to say.

"Oh you are impossible – is this not spectacular enough for you well I'm sorry" cried Natasha clearly a little hurt.

"I'm sorry no its fine, it's just not what I expected. I really don't know why you chose to bring me here, but thank you anyway." Toshiko was instantly filled with remorse whatever this person was trying to do she was clearly trying to help. Shame she didn't have a clue about her at all. This was probably the last place she wanted to be, a constant reminder to how sad, empty and pathetic her life had been. Always alone and always empty.

"I didn't just pick this place at random, I do have a purpose for bringing you here." said Natasha clearly still stung but getting over it fast.

"And that was?"

"To show you what you wanted most in the whole world, so that you can die happy."

"Oh really and what might that be?" replied Toshiko sarcastically, folding her arms over her chest.

"I searched all of your timelines and found the one single time and place where you got it right. Where you got what you wanted. And I have brought you to it."

Toshiko looked around and only now registered that things were slightly different then when she left her flat this morning. It was brighter somehow and....messier. Was this really her flat, clothes strewn about casually, empty dishes piled in the sink, pictures all over the wall and on tables. But then again all her furniture was still here, her computer and books and cds etc were all still here, this was definitely her flat but what was going on?

"This isn't "your" flat this is the other Toshiko's flat. I have frozen this timeline and removed her temporarily. I have transplanted you here to live her life for a few minutes, I can't give you anymore than that" replied Natasha who had been slowly walking away from her as she said all this. Toshiko moved towards her.

"But how..."

Natasha cut her off by holding up her hand and saying quite sternly "Enough" Toshiko stopped and Natasha's voice softened a little "Just enjoy what I can give you for the brief time you have left." And then she disappeared.

Toshiko was left alone and completely dazed, she turned around and looked at "her" flat. What I wanted most? When have I ever wanted a pigsty for a home? Nothing made sense anymore and Toshiko hated it when she couldn't make sense of things. Absently she bent to pick up the clothes on the floor and place them carefully on the sofa. Then she picked up something that made her heart stop – a pair of men's jeans. No, It can't be, it couldn't...

"Tosh?"

She didn't need to turn around to see who it was she knew that voice better than her own. Every nerve in her body lit up, her body was on fire but she was terrified to turn around. It couldn't be, he was dead. If she turned around her wouldn't be there, this feeling would escape, she'd be alone again.

"What you up to in here?" the voice asked and Toshiko reluctantly turned around. Framed in the doorway of her bedroom, towel hanging around his waist, water in his hair, lopsided grin of his face – was Owen.

Toshiko's heart lurched at the sight of him, tears were clouding her eyes and suddenly her body was throwing itself towards him and landed in his arms.

"It's you. You're really here." Toshiko cried, tears running down her face. Relief and overwhelming joy flooding through her. She reached up and held his face in her hands gently stroking.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered "please forgive me"

"Shush, Tosh babe. What's the matter? What's wrong?" Owen replied gently, concern radiating from his voice as he gently held Toshiko round her waist and swayed her ever so slightly from side to side.

Then reality slowly started to register in Toshiko's head. After the relief of seeing him alive had worn off she suddenly started to remember where she was, an alternate reality. Did he just call her babe? Why was he half naked in her flat? Only then did she fully realise she was pressed up against his chest. How many times had she dreamed of exactly this, to be held in his arms, to be lost in him, to breathe his scent? He was truly here, holding her.

The place...where you got what you wanted most.

Natasha's words drifted back to her as she dragged her eyes up again to stare into Owen's eyes. I can't believe it. This is what she meant thought Toshiko to herself on the brink of joy She brought me to when I got it right, when I finally got to be with Owen. It was too much for her, she was so unbelievably happy that she couldn't hold the tears any longer.

Owen, real anxiety etched on his face, slid his hands from the small of her back and clamped onto the tops of her arms.

"Tosh, tell me what's wrong please."

"Nothing, nothing at all, I just can't believe we finally made it" replied a tearful Tosh quickly wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. Owen smiled and slid his hands gently up her arms and rested them in the hollows of her neck gently massaging her shoulders.

"Yeah well, the sexual tension over the last couple of months was unbearable, I had to jump you otherwise I was in serious trouble of doing myself an injury."

His usual sardonic wit it seemed had not disappeared in this universe, but it was the deep loving adoration in his eyes which Toshiko didn't recognise. Did this mean then that it was more than just sex for him, more than just a fling?

"Who knew that first date was gonna lead to last night? I mean WOW, Miss Sato you've been holding out on us all. Who knew what an animal was hidden behind those cold glasses of yours?" He smiled an adorable devilish smile which made Toshiko melt, her knees literally buckled and she had to grab on tighter to him to stop from falling. Owen evidently pleased at the effect he had on her slipped one hand down to the small of her back while the other reached up and around to the nape of her neck.

Whilst her mind was fast being overcome by the sensations on her skin, the burning trail of excitement left in the wake of Owen's hands, she still managed to register one thought. That first date. So that's when it all started. We got to go and it led here...oh thank you Natasha or whoever you are for showing me this. If this is heaven I will gladly take it.

Owen had brought his face down towards her, his hand gently but firmly pushing her head up to meet his. Their lips were so close and Toshiko sighed with contentment as she closed her eyes and felt Owen's lips gently brush hers. A mass of emotions flooded through her but it was only to increase as Owen intensified their kiss. It was full of such burning need and longing that Toshiko's mind went completely blank. Nothing existed outside this moment. Passion and desire were racing through her blood and she could no longer breathe properly but she didn't care. She wasn't going to let this go, not now, not after so long. Oh god how she needed this, wanted him. A moan escaped her lips as she grabbed on tightly to his hair with both hands and thrust herself upon him trying to meld herself to him.

She gasped and gulped greedily for air when he moved away from her lips and left a trail of kisses all the way down to the base of her neck where he devoured her. She still didn't let go of his hair determined to keep him here with her. Her eyes flickered open in delight at the wonderfully wicked sensations of Owen's tongue on her neck. He playfully bit her on the shoulder and Toshiko giggled and squirmed under him.

Finally he stood up straight again and looked down at her with hazy desire filled eyes, his arms vice like wrapped around her waist.

"Well, what do we do now?" he asked one eyebrow raised suggestively.

Desire ridden Toshiko wasn't thinking at all she was for once letting her instincts and feelings rule her head.

"Kiss me again" she gasped her breathing heavy and laboured.

"Oh I think I can do better than that" and with that in one quick movement Owen had quickly scooped up Toshiko's tiny frame into his arms and turned swiftly around and carried her into her bedroom.

Delighted and utterly carefree Toshiko wrapped her arms around his neck and burst into uncontrollable laughter which soon turned into a high pitched squeal of delight as Owen threw her down on to the bed and nestled himself on top of her. He soon captured her sounds of delight by claiming her mouth once again. This time the kiss was slow and tantalising. Toshiko felt sparks of electrifying pleasure shoot through her as Owen's clever mouth seemed to drug her.

The kiss was gentle and tender and seemed to scream adoration and as Owen reluctantly broke off to gaze down at Toshiko she could see in his eyes...no it couldn't be. Suddenly she knew exactly what he was about to say.

"I love you" he whispered, a catch of emotion in his voice.

Toshiko couldn't speak. She couldn't trust herself to speak if truth be told. She'd only end up either spluttering incoherent nonsense or even worse burst out crying. So she said nothing and just smiled up at Owen marvelling at the love of her life.

"Damn it Tosh, I'm no good at this romantic shit, all the pointless things people say, the bloody poems or what have you" Toshiko couldn't help but giggle slightly, this was definitely her Owen still "but I need to say...well...that is I want you to know..."

He stopped, frustrated with himself and unable to phrase exactly what he wanted to say. He dropped his head down and this now meant that the top of his head was closest to Toshiko. On an impulse, an instinctive need to comfort him, she lightly kissed the crown of his head. Owen seemed to take solace in this for Toshiko could hear him let out a chuckle heavy with wonder. Suddenly he snapped his head back up, his face inches from her own, his hands gently but firmly framing her face. He looked down at her with a look close to agony.

"I need you so much Tosh. I adore everything about you and I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you, God knows it was far too many. I was such a blind idiot, I just never thought I'd ever find that person I so desperately needed. But it was you all along, I see it now and I'm not gonna let go for the rest of my life."

No longer able to control himself he bent down and kissed her again more urgently this time and with his lips still on hers he began to speak with desperate longing in his voice

"Please Tosh...save me...marry me" he groaned punctuating each phrase with his demanding kiss.

He seemed unable to stop the kiss instead he seemed to increase it, crushing her to him as if he were afraid to let her answer. Afraid she might reject him.

Such was the power of this all consuming kiss Toshiko was able only just to breathe but she couldn't do much else. She couldn't form any words or sounds of assent and so with no other options Toshiko simply started to nod her head, as much as the kiss allowed. As Owen felt the gentle movement his brain began to register what it meant. She was saying yes! He stopped the kiss, rested his forehead against hers and gazed happily into her eyes, excitement rising in his voice.

"Really Tosh? Oh this is amazing, I was so fucking scared you were gonna say no. I mean I know it all seems a bit of a rush but what's the point in waiting? Life is far too short, we know that more than most right."

A twinge of sadness hit Toshiko at these words, how true they were. Both of them were going to pay the price on that one. But not here Toshiko thought, not now. Here at least they would be happy and get to live their lives, together.

"You sure you aren't just asking me because of the fantastic sex?" Wow, Toshiko surprised herself on that one. Where did that come from? Did she really just say that? From Owen's uncontained laughter and glee the evidence would say yes. Well it would seem that Owen Harper's warped sense of humour was starting to rub off on her.

"You've found me out, how intelligent you really are Mrs Harper" purred Owen as he sunk into her neck and started to kiss her all over again.

Toshiko leaned into his mouth and lay back to bask in the glory of her new found happiness. But just then everything around her started to jump and flicker. The walls were doing that jerky pause motion thing they were doing back at the hub. A sinking feeling of dread began to grow in her stomach and the familiar voice in her head called out

Time up Toshiko

Not now, surely just a bit longer. How long she had dreamt of this moment. Watching over the past few months as he continually broke her heart, Gwen, Diane, and still she wanted this. Why take it from her now? It wasn't fair.

I'm sorry but this is all I could give you. The timeline is almost frozen again and I have to return you.

Just then Owen lifted up his head once more to look down at her. Huge grin on his face, hair mussed all over the place. He was like an overgrown schoolboy. Life with him would never have been dull that's for sure.

"I can't believe you said yes" incredulity and glee all stamped in his voice.

Toshiko held her hand to the side of his face and gently stroked his smooth jaw.

"Of course I said yes, I love you" she breathed.

His eyes lit up as she said this and that grin was still locked on his face. No, his whole face was locked now. He was frozen too.

I would have made him happy? Toshiko tentatively asked, a tear escaping and running down her cheek.

Don't you see, you WILL make him happy replied the voice.

Of course, she might not be able to live this life but her other self could. Toshiko immediately found great comfort in the idea that she would be able in one lifetime at least to live the life she always wanted. Why mourn death when she wasn't really dying? Only this empty dead end version of herself would end, she would live on elsewhere and more importantly she would live that life with Owen.

The flash of white was back and suddenly the arms around her changed, she could feel stronger arms and desperate voices calling her name around her. She could feel someone rocking her gently and brushing her hair from her face. The slow dull throbbing ache in her stomach was slowly creeping up on her again. Finally her sight returned and she looked up to see the face of Jack smiling down at her. Jack, he was here, oh thank God. He would be here with her to the bitter end. So now she was free to think on that other life of hers as she drifted towards the darkness. Owen. The thought made her smile. She couldn't speak anymore but just grinned inanely remembering that gift she had just been granted. Just before she slipped away she thought one last thing.

Thank you.

You're most welcome Toshiko. Came the cheery reply of the stranger who called herself Natasha.