The carousel clock rises faster and harder than she expected, and all she can think is that it strikes her as odd that she still has expectations about what it would feel like. She's watched it rise for years, after all. As a girl, she would sit in the upstairs bedroom and wait for it, thinking about how magical it would be to ride on one of the ponies.
It isn't magical. It throws her to the ground where she kneels for a minute, coughing and sputtering and thanking the gods that Squall walked off a few minutes ago to talk to Irvine, because the last thing she needs is to give him another reason to think she shouldn't be here.
She knows she shouldn't be here. She knows it in the way the hem on her duster is fraying and heavy with dirt and sewage, knows it in how badly her legs burn from trying to keep pace with the SeeDs, knows it in the way she sees the blood of Galbadian soldiers spraying over the toes of her boots every time she closes her eyes.
She knows she shouldn't be here. But she wants to be. So, so badly.
Doesn't she?
"Stay close to me." The words have been repeating in her head since he said them and she feels guilty, because they were said by the man who is in all likelihood about to kill Seifer. She feels guilty, because she is more saddened by the thought that Squall has to kill his friend, than she is by the thought of him dying.
(Stay close to me.)
And despite the guilt, she clings to those words like a prayer, even if he probably didn't mean it the way she wishes he did.
Squall is yelling something she can't hear over the sound of the clock, and she steadies herself just in time for the crack of the gun to knock her back down, cowering and covering her ears. It's so much louder than the reports from a gunblade, or even the shotgun Irvine normally carries. Those shots remind her of courage and safety. This is all terror and malice and finality, even though she doesn't believe something as common as a bullet can kill a Sorceress.
She takes a breath and steels herself, preparing her mind for whatever she is about to see.
Except, what she sees is the pink reflection of the carousel lights on the hilt of Squall's weapon as he disappears over the edge of the clock, and Irvine tossing his rifle to the side and scrambling after him.
"Squall!" she screams, then feels stupid, because he's already jumped and she knows he can't hear her. She runs, ready to follow him, and is stopped roughly by Irvine.
"What the hell are you doing?" His words are demanding, a hard edge to the kindness that is normally in his voice. There is a look in his eyes she can almost identify as relief, and also fear.
"We have to go with him! That was the order, right? If the sniper fails, attack head on?"
"Let Quistis and them handle that part. They're already down there. They're trained for this."
"I'm not letting him go off on his own. They might not know she's still alive and Seifer-" She stops, and lets her shoulders fall, no longer fighting against Irvine's grip. "Everyone…everyone had something to do in this mission except me. I tried to help, and it failed, but this is…it's important to me. It's personal to me. I'm not going to just stand back and watch…"
And watch Squall kill Seifer.
He looks down at her for a minute, the neon glare of the clock reflected in his eyes, and finally removes his hands from her shoulders and walks closer to the place where Squall jumped. "If the sniper fails," he states.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean-"
"No, you're right. I failed... Squall is charging down there because I failed."
"I'm not saying that, but... We can't…we can't let him go off by himself."
"Rinoa, he would kill me if I let you into that battle-"
"I have to be there, okay? I can do it, I promise. I'll stand in the back and do nothing but heal, but I can't sit up here when everyone else—everyone else is down there fighting. Now let's go!" She doesn't look at how far she has to fall before jumping blindly over the edge, letting concern carry her. She tells herself she wants to see Seifer one more time and that is why she is so concerned, that she doesn't want the SeeDs to think she is useless, and tells herself it doesn't hurt when she lands wrong and falls, scraping her knees.
"Come on." Irvine lands beside her and grabs her hand, dragging her through the crowd because he is faster.
She hired them and pretended to be them, and looking at the float, she sees Seifer kneeling, broken, and Squall doesn't even seem to notice him anymore because he has moved on to Edea, and she thinks, so this is what it means to be a SeeD.
The reality of it hits her, finally and truly, and she chokes back a small amount of vomit before climbing up the float, wincing against pain and the gut-punch anticipation of having to stand opposite of Seifer.
Whatever it is she's gotten herself into, she's gone too far to get herself out.
Old fic? Old fic. According to the file data, I wrote the original draft for this six years ago. And apparently it took until now before I could fix enough to where I didn't mind posting it.
(Also in part because I was prompted by ontheflyleaves to write about Irvine's thoughts after the failed assassination, and it reminded me I had this. So thank you!)