I wanted to write something based on the little scene in Lie to Me where Cal gives his food to Ethan. It ended up being very different from what I expected, but I hope you like it. It's two chapters at the moment. I'm considering a third, but that might completely change the focus of the story.
Cal lay awake and worried. Mostly about Ethan.
It always was about Ethan now. Usually, he worried about how Ethan would feel when Cal hold him the truth; when he kicked the world from under him and swept away everything Ethan thought he knew.
Tonight, it was more than that. Cal remembered Ethan's strained face again as he'd sat at the table in the staff room. His voice, full of barely-controlled emotion. The way he'd taken off his glasses and wiped at his eye. It could have been an itch, but it could have been a tear.
He'd wanted to take Ethan in his arms and hold him tightly, but he wasn't sure Ethan would wanted to and it might have shattered the last of Ethan's fragile control. Ethan hated to cry at work and Cal didn't want to be the cause of it.
All he could think to do was to give him his dinner. It seemed so inadequate, but Ethan had seemed to appreciate the thought - even though he'd hardly eaten anything. His hands were shaking as he ate. Cal wanted to believe it was emotion, which was upsetting enough, but it could be a sign of something so much worse.
He'd hoped Ethan might relax just a little bit once they were home, but he hadn't. He'd sat in the living room with Cal and tried to read a textbook, but he'd spent most of the time staring at the wall. Cal had tried talking to him, both inviting him to talk about what was wrong and trying to distract him with funny stories, but Ethan mostly ignored him, if he heard at all.
He'd just stared ahead of him, his face set, clearly in the grip of some deep emotion he wasn't quite able to hide.
Cal thought he heard a creak and sat up in bed, listening hard for the sound of Ethan's footsteps or the door opening. But there was nothing. Just silence. It must have been the furniture settling down .
Silence from Ethan wasn't necessarily a bad sign. It was 4am so he should be asleep and on the many occasions when Cal had checked on him throughout the night, he had been sleeping. He didn't know how many times he'd made that journey. Tiptoeing out of his room and along to Ethan's. Listening at the door, before opening it just a crack, peering into the blackness and seeing nothing, but reassured by Ethan's deep, regular breathing.
But he was never reassured for long. Just because Ethan was okay half an hour ago or twenty minutes ago or whenever it was that Cal had checked, it didn't mean he was still okay now.
Cal heaved a big sigh and rolled over onto his side, wondering if he would ever get to sleep. The pillow felt uncomfortable under his head so he tried punching it into shape before giving up and lying down, resigned to waking up with a stiff neck in the morning.
If he got to sleep.
He almost wished he wouldn't. He wanted the night to go on forever and ever – or at least until he'd finally worked out what to do. He was so afraid of what might happen tomorrow. Ethan would wake up, still upset about his day from hell. He would go to work with the emotions swirling around his brain, unable to concentrate or even think, which would probably lead to another disaster.
Then Charlie would come along: Charlie who had threatened to give Ethan the news that would destroy his whole life. Cal had meant to tell Ethan tonight: he really had – but how could he when Ethan was so distraught? Ethan had actually admitted to Cal that he'd had a terrible day. It would have been unusual enough for him to admit it in the privacy of their home, but he'd done it in the staff room, where anyone might have walked in and heard. He'd asked Cal not to give him bad news, his eyes pleading and his voice unsteady.
How could Cal have told him then? How could anyone have done it?
Cal was certain that even Charlie would have thought twice about telling him in those circumstances, but Charlie probably wasn't aware of Ethan's emotional state. If Ethan looked upset tomorrow, as he probably would, Charlie probably assume it was because Cal had told him. Then he might offer words of comfort and reassurance, but Ethan wouldn't understand and he'd demand the whole story and then…
Cal felt his own eyes stinging; his breath quickening. He couldn't let Charlie do that to Ethan. He just couldn't. It would be upsetting enough for Ethan to hear it from Cal, but to let Charlie do it… to let Ethan see what a weak coward he had for a big brother… to let Ethan know that Cal would hide something that important from him…
But the alternative was telling Ethan now, when he was probably still upset, and Cal couldn't.
He could ask Charlie not to say anything, of course. He could explain how upset Ethan was. But he was horribly afraid Charlie wouldn't listen properly; that he'd see it as yet another delaying tactic; an excuse for Cal's own cowardice.
Cal's legs were getting caught up in the duvet. He untangled it and flung it on the floor in a burst of anger that quickly became tears because everything did seem to lead to tears for Cal now. His chest ached as he sobbed into the sheet, but then he became aware that some time had passed since he'd last checked on Ethan. Anxiety for Ethan dried his tears as few other things could and he got out of bed, tripping over the duvet on the way and staggering out into the hall.
He made quite a noise, but there was still no sound from Ethan's room, though what did Cal expect? Loud screams of despair?
Cal listened at the door. Nothing. He opened the door a crack.
He'd been half-expecting it, but he wasn't prepared. He knew that hearing Ethan cry would upset him, but not that it would feel like a punch; that his fingers would curl around the door so hard, it would hurt him; that he would very nearly collapse to the floor and cry even more loudly than Ethan.
But the moment didn't last. Sanity returned to Cal's mind and with it decision. He switched on the light, walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Ethan was completely submerged under the bedclothes. Cal put his hand at the point where he guessed Ethan's shoulders might be and spoke softly. "Nibbles?"