A/N I'm not quite sure where this came from but I read the challenge a while ago and thought it sounded like fun. And then I got bored today in the middle of reading notes and… well, this sort of happened. Tell me what you think, as I've never written anything in this style before. It's really quite scary. Challenge requirements are in the next chapter; this is a one-shot. Hope you enjoy…

Repost note: I've changed this around a little to get rid of some of the cringe-y forced parts, and to reflect reviewer opinions, for which, much thanks. I really appreciate all the reviews! I hope this new version's better than the old.

"Stop fidgeting!"

"I do not fidget, Miss Granger, and you will kindly remember that I am your Professor."

"Not anymore. Anyway, right now you're not exactly doing a stellar job of getting us out of this situation. And you're fidgeting, which is driving me insane, so I think I'm perfectly entitled to snap at you."

"Snap! Miss Granger, you are nagging."

"I do not nag!"

"You do nag, Miss Granger. In fact, you appear to have a talent for it."

"I do not!"

"You are arguing over an indisputable fact."

"Which is as bad as saying 'do too!' Really, Professor Snape, I would expect more from a Potions Master of your standing."

"You, Miss Granger, are treading on extraordinarily thin ice. You seem to forget the degree of respect owed to a 'Potions Master of my standing.'"

"It's sort of hard to keep the formality when it's pitch black and I can't see thing. Not to mention the fact that your elbow is jammed into my stomach, your nose into the side of my jaw, and you won't stop fidgeting!"

"I do not fidget!"

"We've been here before, Professor."

"Do you ever stop arguing, Miss Granger?"

"Not often. And right now if I don't keep talking I'll either go insane or get horribly bored."

"And we couldn't let that happen, could we?"

"I beg your pardon? Muttering like that is not conducive to comprehension!"

"Your comprehension is not required. However, if you insist on talking then perhaps we can change the subject from accusations of movement, Miss Granger?"

"Why do you always call me 'Miss Granger?'"

"Propriety. Formality. Habit. What's wrong with it? Excepting your desire to find offence in everything, of course."

"Well, it's archaic. No modern muggle state schools call students by their last names. Well, unless the teacher's either pissed off… excuse me, angry… or living in the last century."

"'Traditional' is, I believe, the word you are looking for, Miss Granger."

"Archaic fits better. And you called me 'Miss Granger' again."

"Indeed."

"Try my first name."

"Hermione."

"Did you just give in?"

"I had hoped that my compliance with your rather peremptory suggestion would shock you into silence. I see that I was gravely mistaken."

"Of course you were, Professor Snape. Oops, sorry."

"Now you're fidgeting. Dare I ask what it was that just poked me in the ribs?"

"My knee."

"I see."

"So how much longer do you think we'll be here, Professor?"

"Until one of your friends breaks the bonding spell on the door, I suspect."

"That could be a while."

"Something other than adoration for your friends? I'm speechless."

"You seem to be doing a pretty good job for someone speechless, Professor. Anyway, tripping and sending me flying into you and then the closet wasn't exactly intelligent on their part."

"There seems to be very little that is intelligent on their part."

"I'm actually inclined to agree. Besides, they've been drinking all afternoon in 'celebration,' and stumbling drunkenly down stairs and knocking people into cupboards just because they've graduated hasn't put them in my good books. They were getting on my nerves."

"Obviously. Tell me, Hermione, why is it that I am required to call you by your first name but you insist on calling me by my last?"

"Propriety, formality, and habit, to use your words. Well, and respect, I suppose."

"Respect?"

"No need to sound so sceptical, Professor. I hold you in the highest esteem."

"Of course you do."

…

"When will we be out of this bloody cupboard?"

…

"I'm bored."

…

"Professor?"

….

"Are you planning on ever answering me?"

…

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall…"

…

"Thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall-"

"Stop that infernal racket!"

"I was wondering how long it would take to get a reaction from you. Nobody's ever held out past fifty before. I'm impressed."

"Fascinating, I'm sure. Tell me, Miss Granger, do you ever shut up?"

"So it's back to 'Miss Granger' now?"

"Are you ever satisfied, Hermione?"

"Not really. You see, I've discovered that annoying you is fun when you can't take house points."

"What makes you think I can't take house points?"

"The fact that you haven't yet done so, for one. But mainly because you already took all the points from Gryffindor that we had when Harry pushed us into the cupboard."

"I fail to see why Gryffindor cannot find itself with negative points."

"If it could you would've taken points off already."

"Don't sound so pleased with yourself."

"I can't help it. I think I'm going into shock, probably. It's the closed area, I think. I might have claustrophobia."

"You do not have claustrophobia."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're not clinging onto me screaming."

"That's happened to you before?"

"That, Miss Granger, is private."

"A suppressed memory, then?"

"I have no wish to discuss it with you."

"Oh, I know! Remus was telling me last summer about when he…"

"Miss Granger I am warning you…"

"Why do you keep changing back to 'Miss Granger?'"

"Because you irritate me."

"But surely if you irritate me by calling me 'Miss Granger' you realise that I'm just going to be more irritating in turn when I try to get you to call me Hermione again."

"Hermione, do you ever shut up?"

"Déjà vu. And not when I don't want to."

"Has anybody ever succeeded in quietening?"

"That's not very subtle professor."

"The average Gryffindor has the subtlety of a bulldozer. I am lowering myself to your level, so to speak."

"How kind of you, professor."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Answer the question!"

"But I've forgotten it."

"How do people get you to shut up?"

"Whatever happened to 'succeed in quietening' me?"

"Hermione…"

"Well, nobody's really done it with a great deal of success. Only Harry and Jacob, really. Harry tickles me, but I end up laughing and then I yell at him so it doesn't really count."

"Jacob?"

"Nobody."

"Hermione…"

"It's nothing."

"Tell me."

"Really, it's nothing. What is that digging into my shoulder blade?"

"Possibly my thumb."

"Why is your thumb in my shoulder?"

"For the same reason your knee is in my ribs and my elbow in your stomach. We are trapped inside a closet and there is no space. And you will not avoid the question any longer. How did this Jacob manage to silence you?"

"He kissed me."

"That sounds like a challenge."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well, I suppose there is only one way to find out…"

….

"Professor!"

….

"Hermione?"

…

"Yes, that's… oof! Owww, that hurts it… oh!"

"You were lying on a light switch and it only just occurred to you to turn it on?"

"I thought it was your thumb!"

"My hands were both on your face!"

"Well… yes. But still. Look, there's a latch! We missed the latch! We can open the door! Professor, we could've got out! There's a latch!"

"So you have said. Perhaps it may now be inappropriate to call me 'Professor.'"

"Good point. Severus, then. Hmm, that sounds good. I like your name."

"I am highly flattered."

"You should be."

…

"We probably should come out of this closet, Hermione."

"But then we'd have to stop."

"Not for long."

"Well in that case…"