Ste sat on the dusty step of his council flat lost in thought, it was only when he felt a tentative hand on his shoulder that he was roused from his daydreams.

'Everythin ok?'

Ste turned around to find Doug crouched down behind him, he made sure to prise a smile on to his face, careful not to raise any suspicion in his husband.

'Yeah I'm fine Doug.'

Ste could hear the cracks in his own voice confirming his lie, he just hoped that Doug wouldn't notice too. The American's thick eyebrows knitted together in a look of concern.

'Then what're you doing out here buddy?'

'Just needed some fresh air that's all, I'm alright now.'

Ste stood up, dusting down his jeans and headed back inside.

'Ste? Where's your passport?'

'Ste?'

'STE!'

Ste had been leaning on the kitchen counter stirring the sugar in to his tea for the past five minutes, just staring, watching the whirlpool that the silver spoon created. It was hypnotizing really, the way the liquid went round and round.

He cursed when Doug made him jump, dropping the teaspoon in to the mug, small splashes of hot water painting the work surface.

Doug walked through in to the kitchen then, huffing and asking why Ste wouldn't answer.

'Sorry what did ya want?'

'I asked where your passport is.'

'Why do you need it yet? We're not goin for another week.'

'I know but I wanna get everything prepared, don't want it suddenly going walk about when we're about to leave.'

Ste left him in silence.

'So…..? Do you know where it is?'

Ste managed to snap out of his reverie in order to reply.

'Ermm..yeah…it'll be in one of me drawers' he replied as he made his way to the bedroom, Doug following behind.

He started pulling out every drawer, rummaging around, not bothering about whether he was making a mess or not, but suddenly something made him freeze in his tracks.

Ste couldn't move, just stayed there, motionless, crouched down on the floor in front of an open drawer, something clasped loosely in his hand.

'You found it?' Doug smiled, instantly washing white when he realised the state that Ste was in.

'Ste what is it?'

Ste looked like he'd seen a ghost.

'Ste what have you found?' Doug pleaded. 'You're scaring me now.'

Ste couldn't breathe, his hand made an automatic fist, crumpling the piece of paper in his hand, grasping it there tightly. As if on autopilot he pushed straight past Doug without making eye contact, ignoring his protests and headed straight for the front door. He didn't bother with a coat despite the chilly October afternoon.

Ste didn't even know why he was here, didn't know if he'd even be able to set one foot in front of the other to make it through the entrance. Even if he did, he'd only be sent away. Despite all of these inner battles within himself, Ste's body carried him to the gates, a powerful magnetism that knew where he needed to be.

He felt lost and vulnerable as he was herded through numerous doors along with other visitors, all different types of characters. Ste deliberately kept his eyes on the floor, determined not to make eye contact with anyone, scared of when he would see him. He wasn't even sure he could look him in the eye.

He'd given them Joel's name, knew they hadn't ended on good terms but deemed it more likely that he'd accept his visit from his own. The harsh reality of it stung.

It was like an out of body experience as Ste walked in to that room, everything around him was a blur, as though he was stuck in slow motion but everything else was being fast forward, his eyes only seemed to focus once they'd found their target.

Everything went cold, Ste didn't know whether he was going to pass out or throw up.

He would have looked sinister to the outside world; hulk like stance with those bulging muscles inside a set of sweats that had seen better days, not to mention the new beard. But that wasn't what frightened Ste, no, he could read deeper than that, always could when it came to him. What really frightened Ste was the vulnerability that hid behind those eyes, no one else would notice, but he was scared. Suddenly Ste was reminded of the eight year old who had witnessed the most horrific of ordeals, the thought made bile rise in his throat.

They both just froze and kept eye contact for what felt like an eternity, until suddenly, that hint of fragility was masked by a forced strength. Ste remembered that look from the hospital, the last time he'd ever been able to see him until now. The look that was cold and determined, thought it knew best for Ste.

Brendan suddenly pushed his chair back as he rose to his feet, an aggression that surprised the both of them and made the prison guards edge closer in anticipation.

'Go home Steven!'

Ste stepped closer, noticing how Brendan didn't back away but balled his hands in to fists, fighting against whichever emotion was daring to break through.

Ste couldn't speak, his lip wobbled like a child's as tears fell freely from his eyes.

'Why did you lie? They told me it was Joel.'

'Because I knew you wouldn't see me otherwise' Ste managed to croak.

'Well you were right. Go home Steven, there's nothing for you here.' Brendan's tone was robotic and unfamiliar.

Somehow Ste's determination managed to break through, his usual stubborn character back on form. Pulling out the plastic chair from where it was tucked under the table, Ste sat down, refusing to move even while Brendan stayed standing, glaring down at him.

After a while Brendan deflated, a pained expression on his face.

'You shouldn't be here Steven, I never wanted you to see me like this. I want you to live your life, forget about me.'

'I'm goin away' was the only response that Ste could muster. The change of topic was abrupt and surprised the both of them, Ste hadn't really wanted it to come out like that.

'Oh.'

Ste suddenly felt distant, if Brendan wanted him to move on then he would show him that he was doing exactly that. He didn't recognise his own voice as he carried on.

'I'm back with Doug.'

Brendan winced as though he was in literal pain.

'We're gettin our marriage back on track and he wants me to go to Paris with him.'

Brendan just sat staring at Ste, every so often swallowing uncomfortably but letting him continue.

'I said yes so we're leavin next week. Will just be for a couple of months but will be good to get away. Gonna miss the kids loads but Leah's happy for me to go and I'll have so much to tell em when I get back.'

Ste could feel himself start to nervously ramble, suddenly forcing his mouth shut to stop him continuing further. When Brendan failed to respond, Ste's hands began searching in his pockets until it found the crumpled piece of paper that he'd left the house with. He fidgeted with the torn edges, unable to make eye contact again until Brendan broke the silence.

'Are you happy?'

Ste huffed out a laugh.

'I don't even know what the word means.'

'You were happy before weren't you?' Brendan enquired.

"Happy before" was Brendan's way of meaning "happy with me, before all of this mess happened, before I was in here."

'I guess' Ste mumbled, his lip had started doing that droopy pout thing and his eyes sought out his hands again, still folding and unfolding the piece of paper that he was holding on to like a lifeline.

'I'm sorry.'

Brendan's apology was so quiet Ste wondered if he'd heard correctly.

'You know I never meant for things to be this way.'

'Well they are alright! You can't suddenly change it now Brendan!' Ste spat, suddenly overcome with anger, head snapping up and confronting Brendan.

'Go and be with Douglas, be happy.'

Brendan went to get back up again then, could no longer look Ste in the eye.

'Don't you dare walk away from me Brendan!'

Ste had to be careful not to make a scene, he was slowly attracting the attention of the other visitors.

Throwing a hand out he snatched at Brendan's, trapping Brendan's hand underneath his and pinning it to the table, stopping him from moving.

The touch was like an electric shock to both of them, deprived from each other for so long. It all suddenly came rushing back to Ste what he'd missed.

Brendan stopped in his tracks, frozen to the spot just staring at both of their hands still holding on.

'You know I would have given everythin to you! This could have been us goin away, makin a fresh start! You shouldn't be in ere!'

'Let's not go over this again Steven.'

Brendan made eye contact again, he genuinely looked sorry for what was happening, but Ste knew nothing was going to change.

'I wanted to marry you!'

The words were out of Ste's mouth before he had chance to think.

Brendan blinked, lost for words for once.

'Here!'

Ste thrust the crumpled note in Brendan's hand and walked away. It took him everything he had not to look back as he walked out of that room, knowing that that may be the last ever time he saw the man who had stolen his heart, a heart he was never getting back. Not even for Doug.

As soon as he left the building, rounding the corner to wait for a taxi, Ste slumped to the ground and sobbed. He sobbed until his silent cries turned in to retching. There was nothing left.

Brendan hid Steven's note in his pocket before any officers could notice what had passed between them. They'd already attracted some funny looks as Ste had walked out distressed before visiting time was over.

Once isolated, back in his cell, Brendan sat on the bare mattress of his bed, waging a war with himself on whether he could open this piece of paper.

It had certainly seen better days, but Brendan wasn't sure whether it had been around since before he was in here, or whether the parchment had aged prematurely due to the amount of times it looked like Ste had probably crumpled it to throw away but then thought better of it.

He felt sick as he carefully unfolded the edges, trying to smooth out the creases with his fingers.

When he noticed his own handwriting, Brendan's breath caught in his throat. Before he knew it, tears were mixing with the ink.

"Just gone to get us some breakfast sleeping beauty, won't be long. Hope you're hungry ;)

If you wake before I get back, have a think about what you'd like to do today, there's plenty to do and see, and I don't just mean in the bedroom.

On a serious note though Steven….last night was the best night of my life! I won't ever be able to convey in words what you mean to me, but I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life trying to show you. Let's put the past in the past and look to the future now….OUR future.

I love you Steven, more than you'll ever know!

B. x"

That note had sat on a bedside table in Dublin near enough a year ago. Today, it was clutched tightly to Brendan's chest, imprinted on his heart, exactly where his boy was.

He wondered how many times Steven had sat re-reading that note, over and over. He imagined the tears and anger it had probably caused, but the fact that Steven had kept it proved everything.

This wasn't over, and it certainly wouldn't be any time soon.

'In the next life Steven.'