AN: This was inspired by a post I saw a while back on tumblr that wondered what it would be like to have King Candy as your sat nav voice. Credit for that idea goes to whoever came up with it (sorry I can't remember who originally posted it), and I've just expanded on it and thought what it would be like if most of the characters had a voice on one. This is just an excuse to write something stupid and light-hearted, when I need a break from all the dark and serious stuff I usually write!

Neutral – User Guide

'Vanellope, what are we doing here?'

'Guh-doy, we're going for a drive!'

Ralph looked down at the President in undisguised concern, who was leaning happily against her kart. None of the events he'd been invited to in Sugar Rush had ever gone according to plan, and its ruler never let minor things such as health and safety get much in the way of doing something she thought could be fun. Recent memories of his first and only race with the other Sugar Rush racers flooded back to him, and made him shudder.

'Stop trembling like a big sissy! You know my game's just got an upgrade with all these cool new race tracks added on, and as President it's my duty to test them out before anyone else uses them.'

Ralph looked at his friend in even greater scepticism. 'Characters in your game will already know the track layout, as they got a memory upgrade when the tracks themselves got installed. And don't tell me they haven't already raced every single one of them, because I know they have!'

'I don't mean my people!' Vanellope rolled her eyes, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. 'I mean characters from other games. It'll be nice to have company over, since we didn't get much in the past fifteen years, and they've gotta feel safe to race these new tracks. I don't want them taking a wrong turn or poppin' their clogs on me out here. El Presidente's got enough on her plate without scraping up road kill!'

Ralph gaped, and Vanellope grinned. 'Ah I'm just kiddin'! But seriously, I don't want anyone getting lost or squished out here, so I ordered up some help for them to use if they want to have a race with us, or just take a drive by themselves.'

'What kind of help? You mean like road signs saying 'watch out for falling gumballs?''

'Nope!' Vanellope grinned even wider. 'Ever heard of sat navs? Nah thought not, since you're from a game set inthe olden times. When they turned on the electricity in the Nicelander's apartment I bet you all thought it was witchcraft!'

'Age comes with experience kid, don't forget that.'

'Yeah, well you don't have experience in driving. No-one outside of Sugar Rush does, 'specially not for these new tracks. Which is why you're gonna drive, and test out these sat navs. I asked for three, but ended up with a whole sackful! Seemed like loads of people wanted to put their voice on one when news of the project leaked out.' Vanellope reached behind her kart, and struggled to lift up a large container full of the driving aids.

'Only thing is they forgot to put any labels on, so it's a lucky dip.'

Ralph peered into the open container. 'There's loads in here! I'm not driving all day just to listen to- wait, who will I be listening to? And who even created these?'

Vanellope hefted the bag of devices into the kart. 'It was a joint effort between Felix, Surge Protector, Calhoun, some of her guys and my good self. Which means they'll be perfect because I was involved! No, really, they are good – they don't just have all the tracks programmed in and give out directions, but they can tell who's driving and interact personally with you. Hundred percent guaranteed to make any drive in this glorious kingdom fun, educational, and something to tell all your friends about!'

Ralph scratched his check with a finger. 'I don't know kid, I'm not the best driver about.'

'I know! Everyone knows that. Which is why you're perfect to test them out. Pleeeeaeaaaaase?'

Vanellope clasped her hands together, and looked up at Ralph in exaggerated adoration.

Ralph sighed, and ran a hand back through his hair. 'Fine. But if I crash and die, I'm coming back to haunt you for life!'

'Deal!' Vanellope jumped into the small space at the back of her kart, the bag of sat navs wedged in beside her. 'We'll pick an easy track for you first – the Walnut Whip Around. It's got, uh, nuts and things that pop out of the ground, and some winding tracks that get pretty narrow and dangerous and oh, there's this awful brittle bridge that just collapses on you without any warning, and let me tell you it hurts when a piece of nut crunch gets stuck in your-'

'What? That doesn't sound easy! It sounds like it's-'

'Ralph come on! Let's goooooooo!'

Hoping all that description was just exaggeration, Ralph supressed another sigh and climbed carefully into the driver's seat. He pressed the start button and, as the kart's engine ignited into life, he thought it best he just got this crazy whim of hers over and done with as soon as possible.

'So who's directing us first?'

'I told you, I don't know! The labels came off and they all look the same. Here, try this one.' Vanellope passed Ralph a dull black rectangle at random. It was small and squat, and had an empty viewing screen on the front. Ralph turned it over, examining it, and found a small indentation on the top right of it. He pressed it, and the screen flashed white. But then it flashed again, and the words OPERATIONAL ERROR appeared in bright red letters.

'Hey, what's the deal kid?'

Vanellope snatched the sat nav back and pressed a few more buttons, screwing up her face as she did so. 'Drat. But don't sweat it Big Guy – there's just a small bug in it. Well in all of them actually; seems like someone messed up on the construction line, and now the viewing screen's busted. It won't show up any maps or arrows or anything, but you'll still hear the voice telling you where to go.' She passed it back, and with an even greater show of reluctance Ralph locked it into position on the dashboard.

'The guides have been synced in to the tracks themselves, so as soon as you choose one we'll automatically be transported there. Pretty cool, huh?'

The Wrecker thought it was anything but cool, but still used a finger to swipe the error message away. In its place he was presented with a reduced menu to choose from. Various available race tracks were listed, but only in text. The mini maps that would have accompanied them were broken, so it wasn't possible to get a picture of what you were racing into. Ralph selected Walnut Whip Around from the list, and could have sworn the words 'Advanced Track Selected – Experienced Racers Only!' flashed up briefly before they pixelated and disappeared. Before Ralph could exclaim at this horrifying possibility, he too pixelated and disappeared.

In the next moment he found himself still sitting in the kart with Vanellope behind him, but they were at the start line of a racing track. Everything around him looked hard and tough, with various nut like rocks in every shade of brown he could imagine. A wide mountain soared into the sky in front of him, and what looked suspiciously like a brittle nut bridge swayed precariously off of one side off it.

The next menu on the sat nav flashed up, drawing Ralph's attention back to it. Two buttons had 'Voice 1' and 'Voice 2' under them respectively.

'I thought you said it was one character per machine?' He asked over his shoulder.

Vanellope shrugged. 'It is. I guess some people wanted to have a couple different voices to choose from.'

Ralph hovered his finger over Voice 1, but then felt something tell him to choose differently. He pressed firmly on the Voice 2 button, and the menu dissolved to be replaced by a screen of corrupted blue and silver pixels. The graphics were busted, but the audio was perfect, and the voice that spoke out of the speakers was crystal clear.

'Hoo-hoo, I see you've chosen me, King Candy, as your game's avatar! Er, I mean driving guide. Walnut Whip Around? You sure? Well OK then, but don't say I didn't warn you. Welcome to Sugar Rush, oh sweet and fearless driver!

Welcome to the greatest track of them all!

Welcome…to the Boss Level!'