I met him when I was just a little girl, not even halfway through my years of elementary school yet. We met when he transferred here from Hong Kong and we were assigned into the same group for our Socials Studies project. He was the nice, polite little boy that made friends very quickly and excelled in all areas. We became best friends.
As we grew older and the word "crushes" started to exist in conversations around the classroom, he was the boy that had girls pining after him. Some had already planned their life together after the fourth grade, some made it their life mission to spend every minute with him, and some only had the courage to confide to their closest friends about their crush in hushed voices into ears behind hands.
To me, he was just the friend that lived on the to pof the popularity chain of our school. There was always a seat reserved for him at various tables during lunchtime, but he would always sit with me, stating that it was just easier to sit with one person that you have known for a really long time then to move around constantly.
When we got to high school, he remained the same Prince Charming, with attributes such as sportive, intelligent, studious, polite, and outgoing. I, being the faithful best friend, always teased him, saying that if we had lived in a different era, he would be the one with the shining armor and the white horse who was always off to save princesses, and he would slyly say "You mean away from monsters like you?". At this point, I would either wack him on the head with my hand or jump on his foot with my body weight. He would, in return, wince in pain and glare at me. I would grin and say "Teasing you is a part of my job description. It's what best friends are for."
He was never one for social events though, no matter how outgoing he was. Girls would be heartbroken when he didn't engrace them with his presence at school dances or socials. When I asked him why he never went, he would say "Because there's no one that I want to go with."
At the age of sixteen, when we were both in Grade 11, a miracle happened. I was pursued by a guy named Aaron that seemed to ne lack pas any of Syaoran's attributes. A stunningly handsome and tall guy with perfectly styled black hair asked me out on a date.
Of course I, being the girl that craved for a happily ever after fairy tale, agreed. He was the perfect date when we went out to lunch in a little bistro, paying for my meal, complimenting me on my hair, clothes, et cetera. Soon after, we became the "It" couple at our school. My friend Tomoyo stated that all the guys made Aaron their idol and all the girls were jealous and admired me because of Aaron.
That was the year when me and Syaoran began to drift apart. He focused more on the soccer championships and I spent more time with Aaron. By the time graduation rolled by, we were only the friends that would say hi to each other in the hallway and exchange a few words of How Are You's.
For college, I applied to take classes in the English Department of Yale. Aaron was the perfect boyfriend when I recieved my acceptance letter, even though he was accepted into Stanford University instead. We both agreed that now was not the time to give up on our relationship, and that we should continue on with long distance.
On my first day of college, I walked into the classroom of my first class and chose a seat by the window at the second to last row. I was never one for sitting in the front, and I had a habit of gazing out the window when I had no inspiration. I dumped my bag on the floor beside my desk, opened my laptop, and watched as people trailed into the building from the window while I waited for my laptop to start up. I jumped when I heard a voice say "Well, well, well. If it isn't the day-dream monster from Tomoeda High. Sakura, we meet again, it seems."
It was his voice. The warm, velvet soft voice that seemed to embrace whoever heard it in a light, cloudy haze.
"Hello, Syaoran. I didn't know that you applied here. I would've offered my congratulations." I smiled up at his eyes.
"Well, we weren't exactly too close last year, if you would agree." He smirked, amber eyes twinkling. "Mind if I sit here?" He gestured to the desk next to mine.
"Just as long as you don't copy my work or anything." I sent back a smirk of my own, perfected in our early years of high school.
"You know I would never do that." He sat down and placed his Adidas sports bag on the ground.
"So? How have you been? I heard you went back to Hong Kong to visit your family. How are your sisters? Meiling?" I was eager to catch up with my old friend. After all, he was the only friendly face of my class.
"Fine, fine, fine. They asked about you and stuff, you know."
I had met his sisters before they left for college a few years ago. I liked them, but was way too scared to spend more than four hours alone with them.
"Fanran's the only one that hasn't married yet, which causes a bit of confusion in my mother. We always thought that she would get married first, because of her never ending crushes and boyfriends."
I chuckled, remembering how Fanran seemed to have a new arm accessory every week. "How come? Did she say why?"
He nodded. "She said that she was gonna marry someone that would give everything up for her, but she hasn't found him yet. Not that she gonna ask for everything... I hope." He chuckled too.
"But isn't that how it's supposed to be? When you love someone, you would give everthing up if that made them happy." I smiled. "I'm gonna set my standards like her now. I like that condition."
He rolled his eyes. "But you have to be willing to give up everything for them first. Or else it's like stealing, don't you think?"
"I know, I know."
"So, does Aaron fit into that category? I heard that you guys stayed together." His eyes seemed to tighten a bit at the edges, though he masked that with a smile.
"I don't know yet. Besides, I'm not planning on getting married yet. Maybe when I reach the tender age of 24."
We rekindled our forgotten friendship that day, and fell back into our old patterns of teasing, head wacking, and feet stomping. Sometimes, we would copy each other's work when we forgot to do it for homework. We would hang out at the coffee shops and parks, and even go to some parties when I could get him to leave his apartment.
Like elementary school and high school though, he quickly became he most popular object for girls' affections. Many times, I would be thrown into their whirlwind and be insulted out of jealousy, but I was okay with it. I wasn't happy, or sad, but just used to it.
We were in our second year of college when he met her, though. Her name was Cassandra, Cassie for short. She liked him just like all the other girls, but we were able to form a friendship. She got to know Syaoran through me as well.
A few months into our friendship, she said that she wanted to ask Syaoran out. I, being the supporting friend that she wishe dme to be, cheered her on and supported her on the matter. When she finally did, he didn't reject her like the other girls that had asked him out. Instead, he said that he would think about it. She came back to me heartbroken and positive that he just said it to let her down easy, so I took matters in my own hands. I knew it wasn't my business, but I was curious.
I asked him why he did what he did, and he looked at me for a long time before answering. "I wasn't sure if it would make things weird between us, you know? We're like, a threesome in a way, so if Cass and I started dating, wouldn't that leave you out of the loop?"
I "awww-ed" and said "That's very considerate and thoughtful of you, but don't worry about me. You guys would make a great couple." I smiled a big smile at him.
The next day, Cassie came running to me, saying that Syaoran agreed to go out with her, and that they were going out to dinner the next day. I hugged her out of happiness and made her promise to tell me everything when she got home. She happily agreed.
A few months went by and Syaoran and Cassie were happily going out. By the time Spring Break rolled by, a it was suggested that they went to Cuba together, all three of us. I refused the offer, saying that I wanted to visit my boyfriend, Aaron at Stanford instead. "You guys have fun, though. Don't worry about me."
When I arrived on my boyfriend's dorm room on Saturday, I was really excited. I hadn't told him that I was visiting, wanting to surprise him. I knocked on the door, a big smile ready on my face.
But when the door opened, a girl with stunningly beautiful red hair greeted me.
"Hi, um, is Aaron there?" I stammered out.
"No, he's off to the convenience store at the moment. Would you like to wait?" She offered politely.
"No, um, just tell him that Sakura was here to see him. That would be enough, thanks." I smiled a shaky smile back at her.
"Oh, you're Sakura? Aaron's told me so much about you! Hi, I'm Jenny! But why are you here? Didn't you guys break up or something a long time ago?" She asked, confusing all weaved through her wind chime-like voice.
I froze. He said that we broke up? Then that means... I looked at the girl in front of me. Was she his new girlfriend?
I bowed out of respect and said "Sorry to have bothered you. I'll go now." I turned to leave.
"Okay... bye Sakura!" She called to my back.
I took the flight back to Yale that afternoon. It hurt everywhere, like Chinese Acupuncture, except the needles were finger-width big and stabbed into my body over and over again. I stared out of the window of the plane, my eyes gliding past the bright whiteness. I curled up into a ball in my seat, hugging my legs to my chest, trying not to make myself fall apart. I hugged tighter, but the whole in my chest was growing, ripping my cells apart, creating distruction.
So this is how to lose your soul, how Bella felt after Edward had left her, how Jacob felt at the end of Eclipse, how my father felt when my mother died. It really does take an experience to learn these things.
When I got back to my apartment, I dropped my bags by the door and went to the kitchen. I was thirsty, parched. I wanted water.
My hands shook when I grabbed a glass from my cupboard. I filled it up, and brought to my lips. Suddenly, the pain was unbearable. my hands shook even more violently, and the glass full of water slipped from my quivering fingertips. It smashed on the floor.
I looked down automatically, and bent down to retrieve the pieces of glass. My shaking fingertips caused a few accidents here and there, but I couldn't feel the pain anymore. How could I? I was already submerged under the painful cold water that felt like ice. It was already drowning me. What difference does a few small cuts make?
I sat on the floor, curled up in a ball for a long time. It could've been minutes, or hours. I never moved.
When nighttime fell, I knew that I should move to drown in the water on my bed, but I couldn't get my body to move. It was like the brain wave signals that were sent around my body through the nervous system wasn't reacting properly. Like I didn't control my body. Like I was just a head floating on top of a lump. I fell asleep there. I was glad that I lived alone, so that no one would hear my screams from my nightmares. I couldn't carry a tune. I bet I sounded horrible.
I was like a living corpse for the remainder of Spring Break. Occasionally, the phone would ring, and someone would leave me a message. I never picked up. I stayed submerged in my pain. Days went by in a haze. I wasn't aware of anything- date, time, weekday, weather.
One day, my doorbell rang. I didn't get up to get it. Please, I thought. Just go away. I want to be alone. The person at the door was persistent, though. The doorbell was rang a few more times. Then, it stopped.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe now, the person would go away and wouldn't be scared of my antisocial acts.
Instead, the doorknob clicked. I didn't move from my position on the couch, though. I didn't care if it was a thief that knew how to pick locks, or it was a kidnapper sent to kidnap me. I didn't care. They can take whatever they want to.
The door opened, and a head burst through. "Sakura? Are you there?" I knew the voice well, but I didn't reply.
"Sakura! Monster! Are you here?!" The same velvety voice called in to my apartment.
Syaoran let himself in, and closed the door behind him. He took notice of my unpacked bags at the door and looked around in alarm. Scanning across the room, he spied my head on the couch.
"Sakura! What are you doing there? Why weren't you in class today? Why didn't you answer the door? Why didn't you return any of my calls?" He asked, patience thinning above the layer of anger in his voice.
I didn't move. I didn't feel like it. It felt like if I had moved a fracture, I would fall apart, shatter to pieces like an antique lamp that had been pushed from a table onto the ground by a little energetic five year old little boy.
"Sakura!" He shouted, patience wearing thin. He crossed the room with long strides, stopping in front of me. I looked up at him. His eyes were hard with anger, but he looked into my eyes and understood immediately.
"Oh, honey, are you okay?" He asked in a soothing tone, all traces of anger gone. He took me into his hard, protective arms.
I glared up at him. Anything with eyes and a brain could see the plain answer. He acknowledged my glare and apologized. "I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to ask."
I let him hold me for a long time. I savored the warmth and love that emitted from his body like a light from a lamp. I didn't really care at the moment if he had a girlfriend. I needed a hug.
He murmured soft, comforting words into my ear. I started sobbing into his shirt again, staining it with saltwater. That surprised me. I thought that I was out of tears. I thought that I was going to dehydrate because I cried too much.
At that moment, I was so happy that at least, I had Syaoran.
With his help, I started to recover. Slowly, I went back to being "normal". Over the course of months, Syaoran persuaded me to forget about Aaron.
We finished college a year later. I got a job at a magazine, Cassie got a job at a newspaper, and Syaoran went to work at his family's company. Cassie and I remained good friends, contacting each other and going out to lunch and such when we were both free.
One day, over spaghetti, she asked my opinion on a shocking piece of news.
"I want to propose to Syaoran."
She had said it with stars in her eyes, her face spelling out "happiness". I was dumbfounded. A woman proposing? I had no idea what Syaoran was gonna do.
I wished her luck.
The next week, Cassie called me at work. "He said yes!!! Can you believe it ,Sakura? He said yes!!! Oh my god, I'm so nervous now!!!!"
I had a sunken feeling in my stomach as I congratulated the overly hyper Cassie over the phone. She immediately launched into plans for the wedding, wanting my opinions on the bouquet, the dress, the cake. I tried to keep up, ignoring the feeling.
When she finally hung up, I called Syaoran. His secretary said he was busy, so I left a message.
"Just tell him Congrats on his engagement and that I'm happy that the Prince Charming finally got his princess, so he doesn't have to save her from the monster anymore."
The secretary promised that she would pass the message on when she had the oppurtunity, so I thanked her and hung up. I ignored the disappointment that swirled around inside me when the secretary said that he couldn't pick up the phone right now. You're just diappointed that you can't offer your congratulations to him directly, Sakura. It's nothing, I told myself.
During the next couple of months, I as pulled along to ever cake testing, dress fitting, flower smelling session. I saw there when Cassie tried on hundreds of shoes to match her dress, decided on gloves, garters, accessories. I was fine with all the things that she did, except for one.
Cassie had hired a ballroom dancing teacher to teach me, Syaoran, and a few of her friends how to dance properly. "It's for your own good, she told the us when we pulled on the masks of horror when she told us.
A much as we complained, we were still forced to go. On the bright and early morning of Sunday, I was forced into heels at the studio.
Since Cassie already knew how to dance, she was excused from this class. Syaoran took my right hand with his and lead me to the dance floor like the teacher was showing us. I placed my left hand on his left shoulder, and his on my waist. Together, we started swaying ot the musc.
My heart was hammering out a tempo too fast for the music we were dancing to. It thudded painfully in my ear, leaving me a bit breathless.
I stared at his chest, which was the part of him that was level with my eyes. Mentally, I shivered at the close proximity of us. I could smell his cologne, a soft fragrance of Hugo Boss. I could hear every breath and step he took. Heat rose to my face. I could only wish that he couldn't hear the pounding of my heart.
I kept my head down, sure that the color of my face was more crimsom than that of a cherry's. I was glad that my hair and bangs hid the parts of my face he could see. Otherwise, it would just be too embarassing.
All too soon, it was over. We bid goodbye to each other and went out seperate ways. Him to his company, I to my apartment.
I placed my hand over my heart. I haven't had this feeling in so long. Suddently, I felt like the girl i was back in Grade 11, when Aaron and I first started going out. The hole of my chest, that had never fully left me, started to tear itselt out, little by little. I fought to only keep myself concentrated on the task of pouring orange juice into a glass.
No, of course I couldn't fall for my best friend. It was the most absurd, ridiculous idea that I had ever thought. iI shook my head and grabbed my keys and jacket to go grocery shopping.
On the following class, it was the same. The blushing, the hammering of my heart, it was the same as last week, if not worse.
I ignored it, the only thing that I'm good at.
On the day before the wedding, I went out to lunch with Syaoran.
"I'm so jealous." I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You're getting your happily ever after already while I still have a long way to go." I informed him, sighing.
He looked thoughtful. "Don't you like anyone?"
I felt a blush coming up. I took a sip of my 7Up. "No. Not at the moment. Hopefully soon, though." I smiled at him. "You're very lucky, Syao-kun."
He shrugged and looked at me for a moment before turning back to his steak.
"What's wrong? I sense melancholy coming from you." I chuckled.
He laughed for a moment too. "You always know me so well, Kura."
I lightly patted his head. "It's part of my job description as a best friend, Syao-kun. So tell me, what is wrong?"
He just shook his head. "Nothing."
I glared at him. "Of course it's not nothing. You don't have to tell me, but you have to get it fixed soon because you're getting married tomorrow!"
He sighed. "Fine. Remember on the first day of college back at Yale when we talked about Fanran and her ideas on marriage?"
I nodded, remembering. "She said that she was going to marry someone that would give everything up for her."
"Exactly. I'm not so sure."
I looked at him in confusion. I hated it when he said stuff I didn't understand. "I totally get what you're talking about, Syao-kun." I said, sarcasm dripping from my words.
He laughed, then sobered up.
"I meant that I'm not sure that I would be able to give everything up for Cassie."
Silence enveloped us.
I couldn't think of anything to say. "Oh."
He just nodded and returned to his sushi while I tried to understand.
"So... let's get back to basics. Do you love her?" I finally asked.
"Yes."
"Does she love you?"
"I think so, yes."
"Has she said it to you?" I needed confirmation.
"Not the exactly words, but something along the lines." He confirmed.
"Okay, then." I reviewed other possibilities, and asked "Is there someone else, then?"
The hammering came back.
"Yes."
"Someone that you would give everything up for." I clarified.
"Yes."
My heart felt like it was ripped apart by some unknown force. It felt like there was no connection between my heart and the rest of my body. Please. I begged myself. Don't stop your heart from beating. That will cause death. You need to survive this. It's happened to you before.
I shook my head at the sliver of memory. I couldn't allow myself to remember.
"Alright then. Why didn't you ask her out when you had the chance?" I asked, needing to distract myself so I wouldn't go back to that sliver of memory.
"Because there is no way that she'll love me back."
Love. He had said love. So he loved this person. I didn't even know who she was.
We ate in silence again.
"So will this change anthing?" I asked, ignoring, yet again, the crushing blows the words sent to my chest.
"No, I don't think so. I've loved her even before me and Cass went out." He smiled. "Don't worry about me or Cass 'kay, Kura?"
I just nodded and kept on eating.
When we finished eating and the check was paid, Syaoran turned to me.
"Kura, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah." I tried to say, but there was a lump in my throat. Therefore, all I could was nod and smile weakly at him as he turned around and walked to where he had parked his car.
"Bye.' I murmured a second too late.
That night I was up, tossing and turning, thinking about my newly found knowledge.
"Is there someone else you would give everything up for?" "Yes."
I couldn't stop thinking about that simple, monosyllable word that he had said confidently. Each time I replayed his perfect voice saying "Yes" in my head, it sent a suffocating blow to my lungs. It was like that day all over again.
I arrived at the church a full four hours before the actual event. Cassie had said that since I was her Maid of Honor, I had to do all her makeup and nails and hair and everything. I cringed at the memory.
I had everything I needed in bags hanging off of my right arm, my D&G bag hanging off the other. Dressed in faded jeans and a pullover, I marched into where Cassie was. Before opening the door, I took a deep breath and readied my smile for her.
"Congratulations!!!" I squealed as soon as she opened the door and wound her arms around my neck. "I can't believe that you guys are getting married today! I'm so excited!"
My enthusiasm might have been a little big forced, but I was lucky that she was too hyper, as usual, to notice.
While I got her ready in her stunningly beauticul strapless ballgown, we chatted about our past together. From the first time we met, to when they first went out, and to all the memorable moments in between to now. We chittered about her life after today while I got ready in my dress: a simple, green gown that draped over my body, accentuating all the right places.
We talked about her would-be honeymoon while we got our nails done with a manicurist, and just about everything else we hadn't talked about while we got our hair done.
While I was putting on my shoes, a knock signaled the entering of Tomoyo, a bridesmaid. "Syaoran wants to see the M of H." She informed me. "It seems that since he can't see the bride, he had to settle for the closest person." She winked.
"Oh. Alright then." I was surprised. What was there left to talk about? I turned to Cassie. "I'll be right back, Cass."
"Sakura." I heard his voice call me as I closed the door.
"Syaoran. What did you need to talk to me about?" I walked closer to where he stood, and faced him.
"I-" He started off, but stopped abruptly.
"Yes?" I said. "Syao, you know that you can tell me anything." I rolled my eyes at the thought of him being nervous.
"I just needed to see you one last time before I got married." His eyes trailed down to the floor to stare at his shoes.
My breath got caught in my throat. My heart did a painful little squeeze, but I smiled at him after I regained the lost oxygen. "It's alright, Syao-kun. You'll see me again after the honeymoon, don't worry."
He looked up at me and my breath got caught again. For some reason, there was obvious pain in his amber eyes.
"That's not what I mean, Sakura." His voice was so serious that I got scared.
"What do you mean, Syao-kun?" My heart started thudding painfully again. I think that people in Australia would've heard it.
"Syao-kun." I tried again.
... And then I was in his arms. One minute I was looking up into his eyes, and the next I was in his arms, just like that.
Ignoring the banging from my heart, I started again. "Syao-kun... what are you doing?"
"Shh. Just be quiet for a minute, okay? I just need to feel you again. Just this once. Just this once..." He murmured the words into my right ear.
I felt dirty. Here I was, hugging my friend's fiance like the next minute the earth would explode. I felt like a dirty mistress, like Anne Boleyn, or Mark Sloan from Grey's Anatomy. Someone who coveted what didn't belong to them. Yet, at the same moment, I felt alive. It was as if the hole that had been ghosting in my body never existed, like I was a brand new person, one that had experienced no pain, no anger, nothing. I felt sick that I felt whole.
He released me. "I'm sorry, Kura. I just needed that." He apologized.
I beamed a shaky smile at him. "It's alright. It's normal for a best friend to hug a best friend before his wedding." The hole was back, and the words I spoke just made it bigger.
Pain rippled across his face at my words too. "I'm going to miss you, Kura."
I had to force a laugh out. Keep it light. I commanded myself. "Why? It's not like I'm dying tomorrow or something. Relax, you're just getting married."
Did he notice the edge of hysteria that showed at the end of the sentence? To be precise, the word "married"? I mentally restabalized myself. "Go, now, Mr Groom. You have to get ready to get married." I forced another laugh out, and walked back to where Cassie was.
"What did he want to talk about?" Cassie asked as soon as I closed the door.
"Oh, nothing. He said that he's just really jittery and stuff. No biggie." I squeezed another smile out of me. "Cassie, sorry, but I have to go to the bathroom, 'kay? Be right back."
I whipped through the corridors and ran outside into the courtyard. A lone drop of salty water dripped down from my left eye. I walked to where the cherry blossom tree stood, turned so that my back was facing the church, and leaned on to the trunk.
I let myself cry to the realization. It felt good to let down the stands that I held myself up with, to fall on to the hard, cold ground in a really sick way. Yes, that's what I had turned into. A sick person that enjoyed sick actions.
I let myself sob and sob until I realized that I had no more tears left to spare that day. Then, I wiped my face with my hand, silently thanking the makeup saleslady that had recommended the waterproof makeup for weddings, though I was sure that she recommended it for a different reason.
I forced myself to walk back to the church. I forced myself to smile with happiness for my friends. I forced myself not to run when I lead Cassie down the carpet to Syaoran. I forced myself not to leak my devestated self out to the world to see. Especially when Syaoran caught my eye.
"Do you, Cassandra Lauren McKenzie, take Syaoran Li to be your wedded husband, stay with him through times of need, through sicknesses..." The voice trailed on.
I let my left eye drop one tear.
"I do." Cassie's voice rang loud and clear.
Another tear dropped.
"And do you, Syaoran Li, take Cassandra Lauren McKenzie, to be your wedded wife..." The voiced started off again. More tears dropped.
"I..." Syaoran hesitated as he caught my eye. I tried to smile at him through my tears, but more and more just kept dropping and I had to continuously wipe my face with the back of my hand. The smile only lasted a few seconds.
"Sakura?"
All the heads in the church turned in my direction when Syaoran said my name. "Are you alright? You're sobbing."
I laughed weakly. "You idiot! I'm crying because this is so beautiful, dummy." The audience laughed, then waited for Syaoran to continue with his vows.
"Oh."
He didn't continue. He just remained looking at me. Frustrated, I tried to stop crying so that he would get on to claim what had already been his.
"Do you need a tissue, Sakura?" I nearly died of humiliation when he asked me that. The audience impatiently turned to me again.
"Um, it's alright, I can get it myself. Please continue, Syaoran." I laughed nervously, bowed in apology to the audience, and ran to the bathroom. I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and leaned on the wall as my sobbs became more pronnounced.
What was wrong with me? I had no right to do that at Cassie and Syaoran's wedding. I had no right to start sobbing because the hole that is growing bigger caused so much pain. I had no right to do any of this.
I had no right to fall in love with the one that was never mine to fall in love with in the first place.
"Sakura? What's wrong?" Oh, please, let it not be him! I begged the gods, Jesus, the Fates, whoever it was up there. I slowly turned around.
Yup. There he was, with a heartbreaking concerned expression on his face. Just like my prayers being answered.
I was not in the mood.
"What." I snapped at him. "Humiliating me wasn't enough? You want to start talk about us too now?"
"I'm sorry." He apologized after a pause, seeming to realize that it was the right thing to do. "It's just, you looked so sad on those steps, bawling your eyes out..."
I laughed. It sounded like I was being strangled.
"Thank you so much for complimenting me. Now get back and finish your vows." I ordered him.
"No, Sakura. You need someone right now." His voice was so sad it made the hole grow bigger at twice the speed it was originally growing at.
"So? Syaoran Li, you have you realize. No matter how forlorn or pitiful I look right now, the person to come running after me cannot be you. You are getting married. You need to say the vows before Cassie decide that she doens't want you." I bit back, dabbing at my tears.
"Sakura, if you were this sad, why did you pretend to be happy? Why didn't you just tell us how you felt about the wedding?" He kept on going, as if not even realizing what the situation was.
"I was sad that my friends are going to be married and leave me alone, alright? It's nothing, I'll get over it. Please, Syaoran, just go back."
"No. You need someone right now." His voice was firm with authority behind it.
"Then go send Tomoyo here or something. You have to go back." I shouted at him, tears almost gone now. I grabbed more toilet paper.
"Sakura, don't push me away."
I froze, then the flame fired up again.
"I am NOT pushing you away, Syaoran. I am showing you where you need to go. UNDERSTAND!!!" God, this was frustrating.
"I love you, Sakura. Don't push me away because I can't bear it." He said it so softly that I hardly heard him.
"What?" I whispered to him. "You love me? You can't love me. You're not allowed to love me, alright? Understand, Syaoran, what this situation is. This is happening at your wedding, Syaoran. Your WEDDING." I repeated the last part with a bit of poison, grabbed my toilet paper, and stalked past him.
I ran out of the church, past the courtyard, and to the playground. It was late now, so there were no children with parents to see me like this. I laughed at myself. A grown, mature young woman that was wearing a designer dress in strappies bawling her eyes out on the swing set. What a joke.
Light footsteps sounded behind me, and a jacket was put gently on my shivering shoulders. "Kura, you're gonna catch a cold."
He moved to stand in front of me. I looked at him square in the eyes.
"Why did you tell me now? That I was the other one." I asked.
"Because otherwise there wouldn't be another chance for me to say something." His answer was so sure that I wanted to punch him in the face.
"And you decide to do it on your wedding day? Did you think of how it would make me feel?" My questions hit the flesh under the armor. When he didn't answer, I kept on going. "Did you think of maybe no accept the proposal months ago if you felt that way for me? Where did you put Cassie?" My harsh words hung in the air.
"I'm sorry. I just had to say it, otherwise I didn't think that I ever would."
We looked at each other in silence, until I finally broke it.
"How long?"
"What do you mean?"
"How long have you felt this way for me before?"
"From Grade 10."
I gasped. So long!
"And you couldn't tell me then?"
He bowed his head. "I was afraid of ruining our friendship. Then Aaron came, which nearly broke my heard when you guys went out." He stopped, seeing my face. "I'm sorry."
"Whatever. Just, please, go back to your wedding. That's where you belong. Not here with me." I pleaded. If he kept this up, my carefully built walls would tumble down.
"No, Sakura. I belong where you are. I always have, and I always will."
"But you're not allowed to fall in love with me. We're best friends. It's not part of the job description." I stammered out, using the phrase that I often used. Already, the wall was falling.
He swooped down to kiss me, his lips soft and sweet as they applied gentle pressure to mine. I closed my eyes, and savored the feeling. We broke apart. All the walls had turned into dust.
He sighed. "Sakura, please understand. I love you, and there's nothing anyone, no you, or me, that can do about it."
I shoud reject him. I should do the right thing, and bringhim back to his wedding, where he should say his vows and get married to Cassie forever. I shouldn't be here, letting him kiss me.
But I couldn't. I couldn't push him away from me again, so I pulled his face back to mine. I kissed him again and again, pouring all my love into it. There was no wall to stop it from rushing through.