It has been an extremely long time since I've written anything on fanfiction. And i've never done SG-1 before. I'm new to the fandom and have only seen the first season and half of the second one. However I wanted to do this 'what if' fic when i saw the episode "secrets." What if things for Daniel had gone differently on Abydos when he returned? I'm open to all suggestions comments and critques. Please read review and enjoy!

Dreams of the Host Survive

Prolouge:

For all that the Goa'uld had taken from her Sha're still had her dreams. During the hours of the day that Sha're shared with the sun, the Goa'uld within her ruled all. She found no escape from Apophis and her Gao'uld. The demon did what she liked and used Sha're. She could feel herself move in ways that were not her own. Speak in a voice that sounded foreign to her ears. But at night, well, night was so vastly different. It cooled what heated within. It settled what raged inside. At night, after Apophis left her bed and she was alone in the darkness of her chambers, the demon inside lay dormant as well. While it rested it gave Sha're a few hours of freedom while she slept. If Sha're was still herself during the morning, or afternoon or evening she might remember the dreams of the night. Of a young man with hair the color of sand. And how it used to fall into his soft eyes that could held both blue and green. She might remember the way the sunlight shone from his glasses or the way he found no rest from his sneezing. And if Sha're was able to hold onto the bits of herself while the day held its own light, she would remember the sound of his voice in her dreams. In her ears. In her essence. Calling her name. Calling her. A lover to a lover. A husband to his wife. Sha're. Sha're. My love. Sha're. For all that the Goa'uld and Apophis had stolen from her, part of her survived. Though she did not remember. Part of her was inside, in the darkness where the Goa'uld with all of its power could not see. In the darkness where it was safe. In the darkness waiting, waiting, waiting.

Part of the host survives.

Chapter 1: Make a plan, keep a promise

Amonet has served her king well.

So why does she feel sick?

Weak human. Weak woman. Weak host.

The host vomits on the golden floor of the chambers. Amonet groans. She snaps her fingers for the servants to clean it up. She sits up on the bed while the servants pour water over the remnants of breakfast. It hurts Amonet to sit up. She falls to her knees on the floor amidst the servants, and the water and the—

The host vomits on the golden floor.

"Get Apophis," she hears a servant yell. "The queen is ill."

Amonet is strong. She serves her lord Apophis well.

So why does she feel so sick?

The servants that remain help her back into bed. They do not look upon her, their goddess. They should not see her in this state. Goa'uld do not get sick, they stay well, they stay strong.

What are you doing? Amonet asks the host.

The host does not reply.

Amonet is so tired. So tired of working to make the host well. She lets herself rest. Relax. Releasing her hold on the host just for one moment of precious sleep.

Apophis' footsteps are outside her chambers.

Amonet closes her eyes.

Apophis and two Jaffa enter her chambers. He looks at her. "My queen."

Sha're opens her eyes.

Apophis scowls. His golden eyes flash. He frightens all in the room, including Sha're.

"You are not Amonet," his voice rumbles. It shakes the whole room.

Amonet forces herself awakes and slips back into her host. Her golden eyes sparkle and meet her lord's. "I am weak, my king. The human has been sick in this way for weeks. Mornings are worst. I wish that my king should not see me like this."

Apophis chuckles, surprising Amonet. He holds his hand out for her. "You have done very well, my queen. Come."

Refusing the servants' help, Amonet rises from the bed. She stumbles slightly. She walks barefoot, across the wet floor, to Apophis' side. She takes his hand in hers. He silently leads her out of the chamber with the Jaffa following close behind him.

"This sickness is a sign that all is progressing according to plan," he explains looking ahead rather than at Amonet. Amonet does not mind. She knows that her lord Apophis has so many plans and so much to do that he cannot always pay attention to her. Only a few months ago he narrowly escaped death while trying to rid the universe of those pesky earthlings that defied the Goa'uld. Now, alive and well, Apophis has new plans new tactics new goals and must, for the good of his kind, put them before his queen. She is in bliss to be part of one of his plans.

He stops walking and all stop with him. Apophis puts his hands on Amonet's skinny belly. "Your attempts to strengthen the host will harm it."

Amonet's eyes meet Apophis's. She holds her breath. "The host is—?"

"It is very likely." Apophis grins darkly.

Amonet takes Apophis' hands in hers. "We must tell everyone." She bends down to kiss them but Apophis breaks away.

"Even you are feeling this sickness Amonet, if you think such things. We must tell no one until he is born. It must be in secret. And you must be hidden away."

Amonet feels dizzy. She does not believe her ears.

"You let the host out for a moment," he whispers. "So will it happen again, and again, in these next few months. Your control over her harms the child. I cannot allow that. And I cannot allow the host to remain here while she holds her own mind and thoughts."

Amonet holds her tongue and nods.

Apophis holds her shoulders. Perhaps too tightly. "We will hide you away while she carries the baby. After the birth I will come for you both and you may return as my queen. Then we can tell all of our son."

Amonet feels a pang of jealousy for her host. For the motherhood her host may feel while she remains dormant. "May I not carry the burden of my own son?"

Apophis squeezes her shoulders. "You forget yourself, my queen. Do not let it happen again." He releases her. He smiles. "I shall make the arrangements. You leave tomorrow." Apophis bends down and kisses her forehead. Amonet feels a shiver in her spine at his touch. She is surprised at her reaction but does not let her emotion show on the host's face.

Tonight is her last night in this palace. Apophis does not come to her chambers. The servants are outside. The guards are outside. She is alone in the darkness. She falls into sleep so easily. So willingly. So tired of holding up this host and the child growing within the host's belly.

Tonight Sha're dreams of him again. He is alone. A wanderer. A lost boy searching for home. See his swiftly moving eyes looking and looking. His legs walking farther and farther. Faster and faster. His lips parting, parting like legs, like lovers, like hands. He calls her name into the sky. He calls every night for her though she will never remember the next morning. Tonight Sha're dreams of her Daniel again. And tonight when he whispers in her ears, Sha're. Sha're.

Tonight she replies for the first time.

"Daniel."

His hand instinctively reaches over under the warm covers. His fingers wrap around a fist of lifeless sheets. He exhales. His fingers slowly release their hold. He rolls onto his back. With eyes still closed he reaches over to the little table by his bed for his glasses. After they are on, he opens his eyes.

Daniel Jackson wishes that he still did not wake up every morning expecting her by his side. Curling her body up against his body. Sharing her warmth with his warmth. Giving her heart to him as he had given away his to her.

It has been nearly a year. An entire year yet it drags like eternity. It has been nearly a year since Sha're was consumed by the Goa'uld and become Apophis' queen. It has been nearly a year since Daniel was forced to admit that he might never see Sha're again. It has been nearly a year since Daniel has been forced to admit that the Sha're he knows and loves is no more.

So why does he wake up every morning hoping?

Daniel groans and sits up in the little bed he sleeps in the room in the base underneath earth and rock and mountain. The year he has lived within the base, traveling through the Stargate to multiple worlds has been, among other things, a distraction. A way to forget the missing pieces of him that she still holds. Besides with every new piece of information they learn about the Goa'uld they come a step closer to maybe, possibly, learning how to free her.

This is how he has the strength to get up from bed every morning for the past year. This is how Daniel Jackson is able to walk through the Stargate with Jack, Sam, and Teal'c on every mission to every world. At least, this is how he can continue to live and breathe in the first days and weeks and months.

He had begun to heal, to forget to remember what he loved about her. He was learning to live again without her.

Jolinar brought things back.

I know where Sha're is.

Remembering his words now leaves a bitter taste in Daniel's mouth. Or perhaps it is the taste of the stale night that lingers in his mouth. He walks to the little sink and puts his glasses down securely on a stand normally meant for soap. Turning on the faucet he takes some of the cool clear water in his hands and washes his face. He spits, cups his hands together to hold the water and drinks what does not slip through his fingers.

I know where Sha're is.

Daniel looks at his face in the mirror and sighs. Jolinar in Sam's body stares at him in his mind. All bets are off. All the months of healing gone. Wounds reopened revealing the red raw skin. The secrets Jolinar knows die with him. Samantha for all that she tries to remember does not know. Asking her ten or twenty times does not change the answer.

He does not need Jolinar or Sam to tell him where Sha're is. He knows it. She is in him. He carries her inside on every journey. She is every woman with dark curly hair in a crowd. She stands by him every time he is close to death.

There is a knock on his door.

Daniel puts on his glasses. "Come in."

Jack O'Neill walks in. He looks Daniel up and down. "Got enough beauty sleep?"

It is easier to say yes than no. It is also a lie to say yes. "Not really," says Daniel.

Jack shares a smile with Daniel. "Neither did I. Come on there's something that you need to see."

Sam and Teal'c and General Hammond are in the meeting room already when Jack and Daniel enter. The three are sitting at the long table, a television screen they use to view probe activity rests at the end of the table.

"What's going on?" Daniel asks, taking a seat between Jack and Teal'c, facing Hammond and Samantha.

"Our probe on Abydos picked this up," Hammond says. He turns on the television screen. A man's face appears on the screen. He is staring right into the screen, with the curious eyes of a child and the wrinkles of an aging man. He pokes at it and backs away a bit. Then returns close to the screen to poke it again.

Daniel swallows recognizing the man well.

"You understand why we thought you'd like to see this," Jack says.

Daniel nods. "Sha're's father. I promised him I would bring back…his daughter in one year." The wounds are stinging again. For all that he might try Daniel is not the best at hiding his emotions from those around him. He stares at the table rather than meet anyone's eyes.

"SG-1 is scheduled for a mission," Hammond says. "If you were looking for an excuse not to return with bad news."

Jack nods in agreement. "It might be better to let the old man keep his hopes up rather than come back and—"

"—that Sha're is dead," finished Daniel, flatly.

"No," Sam says quietly.

Daniel looks up to meet her eyes. She is staring at him, fixedly.

"You need to go to Abydos," Sam tells him, in a voice that sounds far away. "I know its sounds crazy, and maybe its something from Jolinar but I know in my gut that you need to go back to Abydos. You, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel nods. He does not think much of Sam's earnest words. He barely hears them. His eyes go back to the screen and the old man he once called father. "I should go. I need to tell him the truth. He deserves to hear what happened to his daughter. I promised him." And then he adds. "I should go alone." After all he was alone among the people of Abydos and he should return alone as well. It would be a short mission. He does not want everyone to go to the trouble of coming—

"I shall accompany Daniel Jackson," says Teal'c.

Daniel turns to Teal'c. Though the Jaffa remains calm Daniel smiles at his kindness. "Thank you."

"More skulls are superior to one," Teal'c tells him.

Jack sighs. "Two heads, Teal'c," he says. "Two heads are better than one."

The joke eases everyone's mood, even Daniel's. Later, as he dresses himself in the robes he once wore on Abydos, he finds himself thinking about the phrase Teal'c tried to remember. Daniel Jackson, before Sha're, before the Stargate had never held such common knowledge true. From a young age his parents were taken from him and he knew what it was to live alone. He had been his strongest alone. He worked alone. He discovered worlds alone. His books, and writings, and thoughts were his close friends that shared his secrets. They were all he ever needed. But now? Now so much has happened. Now all is changed.

Now Daniel Jackson needs another head.

He and Teal'c walk through the Stargate. Daniel lets himself be swept up in the familiar rush and energy of the Stargate. He inhales and lets go of everything. It is like an instantaneous rollercoaster. When he opens his eyes he is on Abydos. He tries to keep his old memories of the place, of his old home, from rushing back into the forefront of his mind.

The room is familiar to Daniel. It is also empty of all people, except for the robot probe to the right of the Stargate. He finds it odd that Kasuf, Sha're's father, would await by the Stargate only a short time ago, but not be present now.

"There is no one here," Teal'c states.

Daniel nods. They walk down the steps together in silence, giving Daniel time to think. Time to wonder why he even bothered to come to Abydos if he would be greeted with emptiness. If he wanted to be surrounded by such lonely settings he might as well have stayed on Earth and taken the excuse that General Hammond had offered him.

"Maybe her father grew tired of waiting for us to come," Daniel suggests already with thoughts to return home. "Maybe he is trying to move on as well and seeing me again, without…her would only bring back the pain. Maybe—"

Teal'c holds up a hand to Daniel. "I hear someone approach." His other hand tightens his grip on his spear weapon.

Daniel own small gun is tucked under the layers of civilian clothes he wears around him. He touches the familiar bump at his side and hopes that he will not have to fire it. It would not be the first time. But each time Daniel finds it difficult to fire the weapon with the intent of taking a life. Of course, now that Daniel thinks of it, he knows plenty of people he wouldn't mind seeing dead. He'd like to begin with Apophis, the Goa'uld who has taken so much of his life away from him.

He can now hear the footsteps that Teal'c heard earlier. When he sees the man he relaxes but not entirely. Kasuf, Sha're's father, enters the room.

"Her father," Daniel explains to Teal'c quietly.

Teal'c nods but the grip on his weapon does not loosen.

Daniel approaches Kasuf wearing, what he hopes, is a convincing grin. "Good father," he greets his father in law.

"Daniel Jackson," Kasuf replies. His voice is soft, nearly sad. It must be the knowledge that Daniel has returned to him a year later without his daughter by his side. It must be that Daniel has failed him. Daniel hates failing anyone, especially the last man he can call his father. Yet he gives Daniel a tiny smile of recognition.

Kasuf eyes Teal'c standing a bit behind Daniel. "Teal'c," Daniel says. "A friend."

"A Jaffa," his father-in-law replies.

"I no longer serve as a Jaffa," Teal'c explains as he too approaches and walks to Daniel's side.

"My good father," Daniel begins. He wants to say this clearly, calmly. He wants to give Kasuf the truth without hurting anyone too deeply. He has spent time thinking on what he would tell Kasuf when they met on Abydos. And yet, now that they stand face to face, eye to eye, he finds himself stumbling for the right words. There are no words that can bring back Sha're.

"I have returned a year later as I promised," Daniel begins forcing the tremble out of his voice. "I have returned without—"

Kasuf shakes his head. His eyes are sad. But they begin to show more than sadness. Shame. "Daniel, forgive me."

"What?" Daniel asks.

Behind Kasuf steps someone that Daniel never believed he would see again. She does not step behind Kasuf, to be perfectly honest, but it seems to Daniel as if she moves in this graceful motion with a pace so slow as to suggest time forgot keep her at pace with the rest of the natural world. Her clothes are brown and simple, like those she wore when they were still man and wife on Abydos. Her hair is as long as beautiful as Daniel remembers from his dreams.

The gun in her hand pointing at Daniel's chest is something else entirely different.

What do you think of that? Suggestions? Comments? I'm open to all thoughts about it.