Shiba Kuukaku never believed in God. Never did, and never would.
Just the same way in which she did not believe in nobility and did not believe in authority, Shiba Kuukaku did not believe in God.
How could she?
In the noble houses, the only children wanted, the only children truly wanted by the clans were males. Males were true heirs; they were seen to be more powerful, more influential, and overall, much better for the future of the clan. Females were seen as burdens, and after Shiba Kaien, the Shiba clan had been sorely disappointed in the form of Shiba Kuukaku.
Only males could be true heirs to the name of Shiba, and only males were truly wanted by all in the house. Many wished she had never been born. The elders looked down on her, the servants despised her, and the tutors saw no point in teaching but to hammer in the etiquette befitting a proper lady in as harsh a manner as they could.
Shiba Kuukaku remembered doing all she could to gain their approval, though why it mattered so much to her then, while it meant nothing to Hyuten and Shosen, she did not know, she did not know at all. Why she tried her best to earn her parents' love, when it was obvious that while they cared, she was not what they had truly wanted, she did not know.
Trying her best had meant excelling in everything, and the closer she got to becoming what they wanted, the more she was shunned because of that. Why? Why was it that becoming strong and assertive and fierce and everything that a boy was supposed to be wrong? Why was it wrong?
Shiba Kuukaku never believed in nobility, and immediately cut all her ties with the nobles once it was announced that the Shibas were no longer one of the Four Great Noble Families.
And she was to do as she was told, to do that, and nothing more.
As a locked up princess, to be seen and not heard, it was difficult for a child, an inquisitive and outspoken child to just do as she was told. After all, with such a shining example in the form of one Shihouin Yoruichi, why should she have to conform to such ridiculous laws? Why did it seem that she was a caged bird, just sitting within the small confined space, and forced to sing to a tune she did not agree with?
A noble must know etiquette.
A noble must adhere to etiquette.
You must not embarrass yourself.
You must not embarrass your family.
It would be better if you just kept quiet.
It would be better if you just kept out of view.
Why did it seem that happiness was something not to be found in the house but instead outside in the forges, in the huts and the sheds where they mixed compounds, where it perpetually smelt of smoke and fire and gunpowder and excitement? Why was it that the house was not a home, and the manor was no place of serenity but a prison?
The Four Great Noble Houses were where others aspired to reach, it was this tower, this pinnacle of achievement for all those who sought to climb to the very peak of achievement. It towered above Soul Society, just like the Senzaikyuu towered above Seireitei and all of Soul Society.
And it was just as empty, just as hollow, just as much of a prison to Shiba Kuukaku.
Shiba Kuukaku never believed in authority, and as soon as the Shiba clan was ditched from the high society of Soul Society, she became her own boss.
As she grew older, and gradually got more exposure to the world around her, it became glaringly obvious that it was not hard work, or diligence, or even talent that they were looking out for.
It was just something god-given, something that only a few, and those that she had seen, all those who were not Aniki, their talent was pitiful. And what made it all the more worse was that she had not a shred of that power. Not enough, at least, for her to proudly count her place amongst the shinigami that Aniki loved.
The situation had already been bad, Ganju was born a boy, not a threat to the Shiba clan, a submissive and obedient child, he had possessed in him something that she did not, discipline, the fear of authority, the wish to just get his days over as peacefully as possible. And now, with the prodigy of the family, Kaien a lieutenant in the Gotei 13, and she still remaining a puppet princess, a figurine with no true power, it seemed that God was snubbing it all in her face.
The comparisons were constantly made, it was always Kaien this, Kaien that, and somehow, and Kuukaku had no idea how, she never bore a grudge against that damn Aniki of hers. It was so hard to dislike him, with that ever-present happy smile and those hair-ruffling ways of his, even when she was growing closer to his height, he still cared for her and treated her like how she had wished Hyuten and Shosen to have done, when they had still been alive.
And it was Kaien, stupid, stupid Kaien. It was all his fault, all his fault that everything had crashed and burnt, all his fault that everything they had ever had was crushed.
Stupid asshole had to go and get his bloody self killed.
What a selfish bastard.
He went and got himself killed and the Shibas disgraced and Kuu-chan and Ganju-kun kicked out of their house and into Rukongai, where everyone pointed and laughed in their face as they struggled to make a living.
It was all Kaien's fault, and because it was all Kaien's fault, it was all God's fault as well for making it that way.
But she did not know how that made it God's fault.
It just did.
So in the end, Shiba Kuukaku never really figured out how it was God's fault that this had all happened, just that it had, and that in itself was God's fault.
But she had never had a reason to believe in him anyway.