Conference With the HIGHer Ups
Author's note: The song I imagined playing in the background is "Red" by Artwork. Find it on YouTube, crank up the volume, listen, read, and laugh. Peace.
Captain Janeway sat at the head of the long table with her fingers laced together and her elbows rested atop the table's smooth surface as she scrutinized each of her senior officers. Their collective conduct as of late had been taking a turn for the worse and, now that she had finally identified the root of the problem, it was time to address the issue. She had already disciplined Neelix for cooking with that herb Kes was growing in the hydroponics bay. However, it seems that nearly all of her officers had disagreed with her decision to have the plant removed from the ship. She suspected one or more of her officers of being in posession of said plant.
"Well, then," Katherine Janeway said. "Which of you is going to come forward and tell me what I want to know?"
Tom Paris snorted as he rolled his eyes. B'Elanna Torres elbowed Harry Kim before he could open his mouth. Kes twiddled her thumbs as she studied the ceiling. Neelix quietly whistled a strange tune. Tuvok's expression remained stoic but, if one were to look closely, the faintest hint of bloodshot eyes could be seen. Chakotay released an audible sigh before rolling his chair back and standing to his full height.
"Captain..." Chakotay started. "There's something I think you should know," he said, with a nod toward her nearly empty mug of coffee.
Janeway wore a confused expression as her gaze shifted back down toward the mug in front of her. Then it dawned on her. "You didn't?"
"We did," Chakotay replied. "It's for your own good, Captain. The ship's morale is a reflection of its Captain's and yours has been suffering a lot lately. Don't fight it, Katherine. You'll thank us later."
Janeway made a hasty move to vacate her chair, but was quickly held down by Tuvok and Chakotay. "Let me go!" Janeway hissed as she struggled against their superior strength.
"Tom, you know what to do," Chakotay said as he nodded to the Helmsman.
"Yes, Sir, I do," he replied with a grin before tapping his comm badge and speaking aloud. "Computer, activate special subroutine Paris Four Twenty, voice recognition pattern Delta Theta Tau."
The computer chimed, signaling its acknowledgement, before the lights in the room dimmed and two items were beamed onto the table via site to site transport. One was a large lava lamp and the other was a robust looking bong. A second later, the conference room's audio system began to broadcast very bass heavy electronic music.
*Cue the music*
"What...is this?" Janeway asked as she began to feel her head buzzing.
"It is referred to as dubstep," Tuvok supplied. "It will serve you well in achieving the desired state of mind. It would be most unwise to resist, Captain."
B'Elanna heaved with a fit of brief coughing before sliding the bong over to Kes and falling back into her chair. "Damn, that is some dank-ass shit!"
"I know, right?" Tom replied while nodding his head to the fluctuating bass wobbles flooding the room. "You really outdid yourself this time, Kes."
"Eh, what can I say? There's not much else for Ocampan people to do while living underground," she replied before pausing to suck a trail of smoke out of the bong.
Kes, the resident master of all things herbal, skillfully inhaled and held it nearly twice as any of the other present partakers sitting around the conference table. When she finally released her breath, she blew rings of smoke toward the lava lamp at the center of the table. The others present gave a muted applause to the show.
By this time, the Captain had stopped struggling and appeared to be in a near trance-like state as she absorbed the filthy bass wobbles and sick drops of Tom's dubstep playlist. Before she knew it, there was a bong in front of her. As if on instinct, she leaned forward and inhaled the heavenly vapors.
"I think that's enough for one round, Captain," Neelix said. "Sharing is caring, after all."
After a fit of severe coughs, the red head robotically slid the bong his way.
Neelix gratefully took a long trail of smoke into his lungs before passing the bong to Harry Kim.
An indeterminable amount of time passed as the quiet party eventually spread out of the conference room and onto the bridge. Pretty soon, there was hazy smoke and dubstep floating through the air on all decks of the Intrepid-class starship.
Warning klaxon's interrupted the gut busting laughter of the bridge crew as the computer auto-initiated red alert in response to a hostile alien vessel approaching off of their starboard side just before it fired a warning shot at them.
"Aw, damn it, I spilled salsa on my favorite uniform," Kes complained before setting the bowl down on a nearby console. "What the hell do these party-poopers want?"
Janeway laughed out loud while pointing at the red stain the salsa had left on the Ocampan's crotch area. Everyone else joined in as soon as they noticed. Janeway eventually wiped a stray tear from her left eye and schooled her features enough to open a visual communications channel to the offending vessel.
When the image of an alien man with a butt shaped face and sphincter like mouth registered in her brain, Captain Janeway broke out into full blown laughter once again.
"Unidentified vessel," the alien Captain said in a throaty voice that sounded supiciously like controlled farts. "You have violated the borders of Anusian space. Reverse course or the next shot I fire will be more than just a warning."
"Hey guys, look!" Janeway said. "Captain Butt-face Buzzkill is here to talk shit!"
"Holy crap!" Tom said. "We really stepped in a pile this time, didn't we?"
"Yeah. Something doesn't smell right," Chakotay agreed.
"Captain, I have phasers and torpedo's locked," Tuvok said.
"Let's light this asshole up, then," Janeway said casually. "Do it."
Everyone's eyes glossed over in zoned out expressions as the colorful explosion lit up the inside of the bridge through the view screen.
"That was awesome!" B'Elanna shouted after it was over. She was about to continue but was cut off as a horrendous smell penetrated the bridge. "Aww...gross! Someone light a match, quick-status."
Tom held his nose as he stumbled over to the helm console and switched the A/C from open vent to recirculate. A few moments later, the filthy air was filtered and everyone could breath again.
"Well, now that that's settled, let's go make more things go BOOM! Hahahahaha!" Janeway laughed.
The end. Do you miss the brain cells you lost by reading this crud? So do I.