This is Not an Evil Monologue
Look at you all, members of a crowd: all fleshy and podgy and utterly uninteresting. You all walk past each other, in between one another, and the only time you even think of looking at one of your fellows is to glare at them for coming too close. Those of you in 'herds' are the worst: too loud, too raucous, and you don't give a damn. The younger you are the more rebellious, the more outrageous – and, I suppose, more entertaining. But that still doesn't mean I like you. I could never like humans.
Now you see, none of that happens in Heaven. We are all brothers and sisters; we don't shove each other out of the way, we don't spear our fellows with hatred, and we are beautiful. We have wings – the closest humans ever get to having wings are the occasional hairy-backed males, and quite frankly, they are disgusting. You are all a mockery of what you stand for. My father's finest creation? If that's true, I'll happily give pigs the wings you all say they shall one day have. Fuck knows they deserve them more than you do.
Please, tell me: what does Michael see in you all? Why was he so willing to love you more than Father? And he does – he adores you! It's sickening, really, but I don't expect less from my brother. He is, after all, the universe's biggest kiss-ass. Admittedly, it kept him in Heaven, but who needs Heaven, really? I don't need to be there to love my Father, or my brothers and sisters (which I still do, by the way. They may not think that, but it's kind of hard to send Christmas cards from down here). Once upon a time, when they loved me too, that was when the Earth was perfect. We didn't need you… filthy little overgrown-bacteria that you are! This planet was made to be wonderful, to shine in the light of the sun, and you ruin it! It's unforgivable.
So, here's what I'm going to do: first, I'm going to get out of this freaking shit-pit dearest Michael forced me into (and I know how 'hard' that was for you, brother); second, I'm going to have some fun with you all. Why? Because you're all stupid. I mean, really, who sees a banana skin and doesn't walk around it? Even monkeys know better! But in all honesty, your stupidity is the only thing stopping me from instantly frying you all, which is plan of action number three: Apocalypse. I have all the horsemen on speed-dial, so there's no escaping them when it happens. And you know what? Just because your silly little 'disaster' movies have some absurd fixation with the place, I'll start on New York.
I'm kidding. What, you think I'd let you evacuate a whole city before I could drop tens of thousands of banana skins on you all?
Then again, I don't lie… Are you confused? 'Ooh, what's he gonna do?' you're thinking. That, my bipedal little freaks, is for me to know and you to find out.
What's that? Are you squeaking something? 'It'll never happen'? Please! You really have that much faith in yourselves? All it takes is for one of you to get sentimental and slip on the banana skin of idiocy, then it's "good morning Vietnam" and bye-bye pesky crowds; and it's happening faster than you think. I know! It's brilliant, right? To think that one man stood at a crossroad this very second is going to be the death of you all, just because he wants to save his darling little brother. Well, I would tell him it's futile, but you know how it is: blah, blah, destiny, blah, blah, humans, never listening. But you should listen, and you should listen closely. Some people call me Satan, and others call me the Devil, but my true name is Lucifer. I am the Morning Star, and I'm coming. And on that day, there won't be a morning.