All characters in this story are owned by Obsidian Entertainment, with the exception of Gwynyth.

Things that Will Never Happen

There are some things that will just never happen. In fact, before these things happen, certain other things would have to happen. For example, gamers would actually acknowledge a world beyond their computers and gaming consoles. They would actually pay all their bills, leave their houses periodically, and even walk around outside sometimes. They would squint at the sun a lot and wonder what the hell that bright shiny thing was in the sky. Speaking of Hell, it would surely freeze over on this day.

I say this for one reason: I love reading Neverwinter Nights fanfic, and a lot of it is quite good. However, much of it is based on some of the most unlikely scenarios I have ever heard of. Each time I read such a story, I am astonished by the absurdity of it and also the fact that for some strange reason I am unable to turn my eyes away from it. I almost always end up reading the story to the end, and often enjoying it. Still, I can't resist saying something about them in my own way. Not that I'm saying anything bad about them, because I acknowledge the fact that people have a right to be creative. However, it is still a reality that some things will just never happen, so the main focus of this little bit of writing will concern what would happen if certain scenarios actually occurred in the game.

A Lame Excuse

Sand sighed blissfully as he sank back into the pillows on his bed. He and the rest of the party had just returned to the keep from their latest mission, which of course had involved copious amounts of killing, walking, dirtiness, and sleeping in the wilderness. He had been longing the entire time to take a bath, then crawl into a real bed and just read. Finally, he had attained his goal!

The world disappeared for a time as he read his book (a dusty old thing from the keep's library that he had been dying to study). He was just finishing the first chapter when Sand was interrupted by a knock on the door. He glared daggers at said door and said, "Go! Away!" Returning his attention to his book, Sand was again interrupted by someone rapping at the door. Thoroughly exasperated, the little moon elf dragged himself out of bed, threw a robe over himself and tore the door open.

"It had better be good!" Sand shouted. He turned a smoldering gaze on the visitor who stood before him. She was none other than Torio Claven, his arch nemesis.

"Such a cold reception," Torio said silkily. "I certainly don't intend to take up too much of your time, my dear elf. It's just that a certain familiar of yours has taken it upon himself to destroy my room and I can't get him to leave. Deal with him. Now."

"I must remember to thank Jaral later," Sand sneered. If he had to destroy someone's room and interrupt his reading, at least the feline had chosen the one that belonged to a certain ex-Luskan ambassador whom he hated with a passion. Well, to be fair, it would have been just as satisfying if the chosen room had belonged to Qara, but Sand was rather relieved knowing this was not actually the case. The disturbed and mentally challenged sorceress would have set his poor familiar on fire. He pushed past Torio and stalked to her room. The sooner he retrieved Jaral, the sooner he could get back to his book.

Upon reaching Torio's room, he saw that the door was closed. As he opened it and stepped inside, Jaral shot past him and tore down the hall. He could sense the poor familiar's absolute terror. Looking around the room he noticed that it was indeed quite a mess. However, nothing was torn. He would expect an angry cat to tear things to shreds, or even to urinate on someone's pillow or favorite chair, but to throw things around? Something obviously wasn't right. Turning to Torio, Sand fixed her with a look that could have incinerated her (if looks could actually do such a thing).

"So you kidnapped my poor familiar and trapped him in your room!" Sand shouted. "Why in the hells would you do such a thing?!"

"Why in the hells would you say such a thing?" Torio mocked. "Look at this place, it's in shambles!" Torio spat back.

"Unless Jaral has suddenly developed opposable thumbs and therefore the ability to pick things up and throw them carelessly about, I would say this is all a set up! Furthermore, if you wanted him out of your room so badly, why was the door closed, and why was he so eager to leave . . . besides the overwhelming and understandable urge to escape your presence?!"

Torio glared back at him and said, "Well, I suppose it was a bit much to expect you to fall for such a thing . . . however. . . I did get exactly what I wanted."

"Yes, if you wanted to thoroughly anger me, you have succeeded. Congratulations Torio!" Sand shot back.

"Oh no, that was merely a fringe benefit," Torio purred. Her face twisted into an evil grin as she said, "What I really wanted is standing right here." The room wasn't very large, and Torio blocked the only exit. She quickly closed the small space between them and wrapped her arms around her prize. All the color drained out of Sand's face as Torio kissed him.

Sand stood frozen in place, entirely too shocked to do anything but submit to Torio's burning kisses. Eventually he melted into Torio's embrace and kissed her back, completely ignoring the protests screaming from his conscience. He unlaced the front of her dress and bent his head down to her ample bosom. He took a nipple into his mouth and sucked at it as Torio groaned. She slid a hand up his back and grabbed a fistful of his hair. Sand froze once again when the gloved hand brushed against the back of his neck. He remembered that glove all-too-well. When he had defended the Knight Captain during the trial of Ember, he had been unable to take his eyes from it. She wore only one, and every time he saw it he could not help but think of a pale, skeletal child molester with a twisted, creepy grin on his face and an unnaturally thin nose. Where this thought came from he did not know, but it sent chills down his spine. At this moment, the glove had the same effect.

Mood. Killed, Sand thought. Of course, now that the passion had died, he was more receptive to what his conscience had been desperately trying to tell him the whole time he groped Torio. Namely, said conscience had been trying to remind him that the woman whose breast he was currently suckling at had orchestrated the slaughter of an entire Luskan village and then framed the enormous crime on Duncan's niece. Furthermore, she had once been the consort of Black Garius. He shuddered at the thought of those two copulating and thanked the gods no children had resulted from that union. The poor, unfortunate things would have been tragically deformed, he thought. Sand had previously believed the mood to be dead, but as the last remaining shred of passion was killed by the horrible thoughts running through his head, he knew he had been very wrong.

"What's wrong?" Torio asked breathlessly. Sand laced up the front of her dress and prepared to leave when a dark thought crossed his mind.

"Nothing is wrong, per se," Sand said as he smiled. "I'm just feeling a bit claustrophic in this little closet you refer to as a room. Why don't we take this outside? I could use the fresh air, and it's a beautiful night." Torio returned his smile and took his hand. Together, she and the moon elf left the keep and walked to the court yard.

A few minutes later, Sand and Torio were standing together in the court yard under the branches of a tree. The whole place had turned silver under the full moon, and they were alone here with the exception of the guards posted at the gate and on the walls.

"I would enjoy seeing you naked in the moonlight, my dear Torio. Unfortunately, an invisibility spell is necessary, else we'll be giving yon guards a very good show indeed," Sand chuckled. Torio nodded in agreement, and Sand cast the necessary magic. Next, he cast True Seeing on himself so he could actually see the Luskan ambassador as he continued to grope her. This time, a lot more clothes were removed. In fact, Sand stripped Torio down to nothing but her hated glove. This he simply refused to touch.

Sand was pondering his next move when Torio said, "Could you cast something that would allow me to see you? It's quite unsettling to be undressed by an invisible lover." Sand grinned evilly, and chanted the words to one of his favorite spells. When he was finished, Torio stood before him as still as a statue, for that was what she now was. He had been trying to figure out how to cast a Flesh to Stone spell without alerting Torio to his intentions, and she had unwittingly given him the required opportunity.

Sand put his clothes back on, and threw Torio's so-called clothes into some nearby bushes. Standing before the statue that now adorned the courtyard of Crossroad Keep, Sand laughed as he said, "And now, my dear Torio, I have a book to read." He walked back to the keep laughing all the way, leaving a very naked statue in the courtyard.

* * *

Elanee entered the courtyard at first light and walked to her favorite tree. She enjoyed standing under that tree. In fact, if she wasn't asleep or adventuring with the rest of her friends, that was usually where one could find her. It was almost an obsession.

Sighing blissfully at the sight of a beautiful sunrise, she ran into something as she attempted to take up her usual spot under the aforementioned tree. Curious, she noticed that in that spot now stood the statue of a very naked woman standing in a seductive pose. Elanee fumed. She would have to have a talk with the Knight Captain about her taste in statues, and her reasoning behind the new statue's present location.

"Is something troubling you Elanee?" asked a deep, male voice. Elanee turned to see Casavir standing next to her with a concerned look on his face. He must have been on his way to the temple to pray when he noticed her fuming under the tree.

Elanee waved at the statue and said, "Did you really not notice this?" Casavir looked into the shadows in the direction she indicated and immediately blushed.

"So," he stammered, "Gwynyth has been, uh, decorating?" He tore his eyes from the statue and stared at his feet looking incredibly guilty. Just then, a certain evil ranger pushed his way between Casavir and Elanee.

"What in the hells has got you two so upse - aaaaaaaaaaaggh . . ." Bishop said as his jaw fell open. He stood transfixed by the nude statue for a few moments, and then snapped his jaw back shut as he regained his composure. "Ha! Like I always say, whatever it is that makes the paladin blush and hang his head in shame has got to be good!" Casavir responded with his usual anti-Bishop glare.

Some time later, Knight Captain Gwynyth Farlong walked into the courtyard. She had been puzzled by the absence of her friends, and gone to search for them. Now she saw them. In fact, they were all milling together at the spot usually occupied by Elanee, although. That was strange. She certainly wasn't expecting to find everyone in one place. The only person missing was Sand. As she approached, she got a good look at a nude statue that hadn't been there as of last night.

"Gwynyth!" Elanee shouted as her face grew red. "What is the meaning of this . . . this . . . atrocity?! Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

"Now, now, little druid," Bishop mocked. "I happen to think our fair leader has great taste in statues." He turned back to look at the statue with a dark little smile on his face.

"Oh sure, just assume the naked statue is my fault!" Gwynyth shouted at the druid. Immediately her friends burst into argument over who had placed the statue here and why. As if they needed an excuse to hurl insults and accusations at each other, Gwynyth thought to herself. The arguing had gone on for quite some time when the statue suddenly screamed.

Everyone turned to see that the statue was now a real-life, flesh-and-blood Torio Claven. She stood there naked in complete and utter horror. Everyone reacted to this change almost instantaneously. Casavir gasped and ran off to the temple, presumably to ask Tyr to forgive him for having impure thoughts about a naked woman. Bishop laughed uncontrollably, while Zjaeve said, "Know that this is very awkward." Grobnar let out a little squeak and hid himself behind a bush. Qara lost her tenuous control over her magical powers and burst into flame. She ran around the courtyard screaming and lighting things on fire. Ammon Jerro was lost in thought as he considered how best to use the horrifying image of Torio's huge, naked rear end against the King of Shadows. Neeshka completely ignored the naked woman and used the chaos to rifle through her friends' pockets.

"You are an affront to nature!" Elanee screamed as she unleashed a cloud of insects to swarm about the Luskan woman. The latter joined Qara in running aimlessly about the courtyard. Khelgar used Elanee's attack as an excuse to start a fight. He chased Torio down and tackled her to the ground. Gwynyth simply stood the whole time taking in each disaster as it occurred, entirely too stunned to move. As Bishop laughed himself into unconsciousness, she spied Sand standing at the edge of the crowd looking very satisfied. Gwynyth stepped over Bishop's prostrate form and marched right over to the moon elf, who gulped nervously at the sight of his leader. Her pale blue eyes were as cold as ice while her face was almost as red as her hair. She was fairly small, being a half elf, but right now she looked very large and menacing indeed.

She stopped in front of Sand and said, "Put out the damn fires while I take care of Khelgar and Elanee! Then we're going to have a fucking talk!" She turned and cast a paralysis spell on Khelgar, then another on Elanee. Sand doused the flames and the flaming sorceress with a few applications of Cone of Cold. He considered using ice storm on her instead, but realized with great disappointment that there were too many people in the courtyard who might get hurt.

At last, when things were under control, Gwynyth called a meeting of all those involved in the violence. This included Qara (no longer on fire and now completely healed by Zjaeve), Elanee, Khelgar, and Sand. Neeshka was included due to complaints that a good deal of people's gold and other belongings were missing. Bishop was technically there because he was still unconscious and laying on the ground nearby. She walked up to each of them in turn (sans Bishop) and yelled at each one, starting with Qara. To the latter, she shouted, "That fire would not have happened if you actually had some semblance of knowledge and control of your powers. Do us all a damn favor and study for once! I know you're illiterate and allergic to books, but you're going to have to get past that and study anyway!" The sorceress glared at her and stalked off, undoubtedly debating whether to burn down the library. Sand snickered. To Elanee, Gwynyth said, "Unleashing a swarm of insects on Torio was entirely uncalled for. Is this little spot under this particular tree really just that damn special? What is it about this spot that could possibly drive you to violence if someone else happens to be standing here? Does it emanate a rare, magical power that you're hoarding?!" she shouted. Elanee's eyes dropped to the ground, but she said nothing. Gwynyth, thoroughly angered by the druid's silence, shouted, "Now I want you to go and fix the damage done by the fire. Mostly it's scorched plants and trees. You're always complaining about feeling useless at the keep, so now you have a chance to use your "druidly" abilities! Enjoy!" Turning to Khelgar, the little half elf said, "You need to reign in your temper and use a little discretion in who you fight with. Elanee initiated the attack on Torio for no legitimate reason, so you had no excuse to jump in and help her. The next time you do this, I'm telling Sal to cut off your alcohol supply! Now go see if you can help Elanee!" Khelgar turned pale and nodded his head furiously. To Neeshka, Gwynyth said, "Return all the things you've stolen to their rightful owners. If I'm still hearing complaints about missing objects and/or gold by the end of the day, you're cut off from your share of party treasure for the next week!" The tiefling let out a little squeak and ran off to do as she was instructed.

Gwynyth dismissed the stragglers and turned her gaze to Sand. To him, she said simply, "Explain."

"Er, well," Sand stuttered, "Torio kidnapped Jaral last night and used him to lure me into her room. She tried to seduce me," he said, but was quickly cut off by Gwynyth.

"She what?!" she shrieked. The expression on her face went from one of mildly annoyed to one of complete outrage. She stood before Sand shaking as magical energy sparked about her. "So," she said, her voice shaking, "What did you do about this?"

"Uh, I decided to turn the tables on her. I told her I'd rather make love to her outside than in some stuffy little room, and the little harlot believed me! Once here, it was just a matter of getting her naked and casting a flesh to stone spell. I waited until everyone was looking at her this morning before casting stone to flesh. The result was quite pleasing!" He laughed, and then went silent as he realized Gwynyth probably didn't agree with the latter. He expected his leader to kill him then and there. Instead, the magic stopped sparking about her and the enraged look she wore on her face twitched into a grin. She burst out laughing.

When she recovered, Gwynyth said, "Sand that is the funniest damn thing that's happened in this place in ages. I'm still pretty pissed off about all the damage, of course. I don't honestly know what to do with you though, since I'm sure you never intended for things to get out of hand like they did. I'm going to just think about your punishment for a bit. I'll send someone to get you when I've decided on it."

"Yay, I can barely contain my excitement," Sand grumbled as he stalked off to the library.

* * *

Sand sighed in contentment as he settled into an overstuffed chair with his book. He basked in the warmth of the fire as he opened the tome to the spot he had bookmarked. This time, he read only two pages before he was interrupted by a knock at the door. "What?" he asked as he flung open the door.

"The Knight Captain wishes to see you in her chambers," said the guard standing in the hallway. Sand nodded, left his book on a table, and headed off to see his leader.

Sand knocked at the door of Gwynyth's personal suite, and she opened it before he had even finished knocking. He was momentarily stunned by the image before him. Gwynyth stood in the doorway in a luxurious, very revealing set of black, silk mage robes. The bodice was quite tight, and her breasts looked as if they were about to spill from the top. Reluctantly, he willed his eyes to travel from her voluptuous curves up along the silvery skin of her long neck to settle on her gorgeous face, now framed by her coppery hair. He was surprised to see her this way, which was why the process of raising his gaze from breast to eye level took a lot longer than it should have. Usually she wore her long hair back to keep it out of her eyes during battle, and she never showed this much skin.

Gwynyth moved to the side and waved him into the room. She shut the door behind him, although he noticed she left it slightly ajar. Whatever it was she was about to discuss with him could not be so bad that she cared if the guards overheard it.

"So," he said, clearing his throat. "What is to be my punishment? Imprisonment? Sleep deprivation? Tar and feathering? Water torture?" Sand asked, his voice dripping with its usual sarcasm.

Gwynyth laughed, and then her ice-blue eyes locked onto his. Her tone now a good deal more serious, she said, "You're right about the torture part."

"Oh gods," Sand said, "You're not going to make me teach Qara to read, are you?" he asked. Gwynyth simply shook her head.

"Wait, are you banning me from the library?" he asked fearfully.

She just shook her head again and wrapped her arms around him. She kissed him roughly, and Sand's eyes flew open in shock. This was certainly not the torture he was expecting. In fact, it couldn't even be called torture. Oh well, why should he complain? She kissed far better than Torio. In fact, if Torio's kisses could be called fiery, Gwynyth's were positively searing.

Sand could hardly contain his excitement. As he kissed her, he pressed her back against her desk where she sat on the edge. He pressed himself between her legs, and slid his hands down her thighs. He realized to his delight that there was a high slit on each side of her mage robes, and each of her silky thighs was quite exposed. Sand ran his hands lightly against her bare skin, allowing his hands to travel all the way under each slit to grasp at the firm flesh of her rear end. She responded by grinding herself into him shamelessly as she kissed him even more fiercely than before. He groaned into her mouth and ground himself right back into her.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. I'm getting sick of people knocking on doors, Sand grumbled mentally. When Gwynyth failed to answer the door, it was pushed open by Torio Claven. This time she was fully clothed, although this latest outfit was just as tasteless as the last one. In addition to clothing she wore a look of puzzlement on her face that quickly turned to rage at the sight of Sand and the Knight Captain. "You wanted to see me?" Torio asked, positively seething.

"Oh yes," Gwynyth said cheerfully. She stopped grinding against Sand, but made no move to get off the desk or away from Sand. "I was just wondering if you had any leads on new recruits."

"Not at this time, no," Torio hissed. "Is that all, Captain?"

"Knight Captain, get it right you viscous little harpy!" Sand snapped at her.

"That is all, Torio, thank you," Gwynyth said, dismissing said harpy. Torio stalked out the door and slammed it behind her. The knight captain went back to fondling Sand, but he stopped her.

"Was that my punishment? Helping you anger Torio and drive her into a state of insane jealousy?" Sand asked. "Not that I mind but I wonder . . . was this the only motive at work here?" Gwyn responded by kissing him softly, pouring every ounce of her feelings for him into it. When she finally pulled away and Sand had recovered from his bout of dizziness, he chuckled and said, "That would certainly explain what you did to Torio just now. My dear girl, how long have you felt this way?"

"I haven't been able to get you out of my head since I first met you," Gwynyth replied, dropping her eyes from his. "Then there was the trial, and I couldn't possibly ignore everything you did for me. You kept me from being sent to Luskan for low justice. When I fought Lorne, you came to me in the temple and gave me those healing potions. I wanted to kiss you then . . . but Casavir walked in before I could."

At that, Sand frowned, walked over to the door and locked it. Realizing the lock could be picked, he slid a chair back under the door knob. Of course, he was still not satisfied with the security of the door, and warded it. Gwynyth gave him a puzzled look when he returned to her.

"I think you're probably as weary of unwelcome interruptions as I am," Sand explained. He kissed her then. He didn't know if he loved her, but he did have feelings for her. The moon elf put everything he felt into that kiss, pulling her head closer to him in order to deepen it. When he finally pulled away, Gwyn's eyes were glazed over. This didn't last long though.

"Don't think this changes my plans for this evening," she said when her eyes cleared. She slid down from the desk and pushed him to the bed. "When I'm done with you, you'll be begging me for mercy." She kissed him again to keep him from replying and pushed him onto the mattress.

Sand's breathing quickened. He lay there as she slowly stripped him, dragging each article of clothing across his skin as lightly as if she was teasing him with a feather. With each caress of the cloth against his skin he shivered and trembled. When the last stitch of clothing was gone, she ran her lips, teeth, and sometimes tongue all over his body. She started with his ears, which caused Sand to whimper. She slid her open lips down one side of his neck, and he moaned in delight. Gwyn trailed her tongue along his chest, stopping to suck at each nipple. She kept going like this, alternating sensitive areas and stimulating each. Gradually she worked her way lower until she came close to his shaft. Sand moaned in anticipation of feeling her lips on his manhood. Instead of what he expected, Gwynyth did something else. She moved down to his feet and sucked at his toes, then ran her teeth along the soles of his feet. Sand jerked his feet away and gasped.

Gwynyth moved her ministrations higher, dragging her lips up his legs. She stopped to lick and suck at the back of each knee, causing Sand to cry out and grasp at the covers on the bed. After dragging her lips slowly across each inner thigh, Gwyn caressed the areas close to his manhood. She dragged her teeth over the sensitive skin, nipped at it, sucked and licked in a circle, never once touching his shaft or sack but staying agonizingly close. Sand felt himself on the verge of losing his sanity. He wanted to drive her to the bed and take her then and there, but still she kept turning him on even more. He had never been this aroused in his entire, centuries-long life. His manhood was so engorged it throbbed almost painfully.

At last Sand reached a point where he could no longer take this torture. He arched his back, grasping at the blankets, his arms, legs and entire body positively writhing. "Please!" he begged her, his voice ragged and desperate. "Stop this! Please! For the love of the gods, girl, just take me!"

Gwynyth ran the tip of her tongue across his sack and up his manhood. She circled the tip with her tongue, and took him into her mouth. Sand tangled his hands into her hair as she swallowed down his entire length. She took him deep into her throat and he pressed his hands against the back of her head even more desperately than before. He thrust himself into her as she continued to swallow him again and again. Before he could climax, she pulled back and stopped.

"Why in the nine hells did you stop?! Please keep going!" Sand begged.

"Sorry Sand. Can't have you getting there too soon," she explained as she grinned at him wickedly. Gwynyth left him on the bed groaning as she slowly, teasingly stripped off her dress and underclothes. She climbed back onto the bed and pressed her body up against his. She kissed him then and he ran his hands greedily all over her. At last she straddled him and Sand clutched at her backside as his full length slid in and out of her. He thrust himself into her as she drove herself down onto him mercilessly. She gasped each time he pressed into her, and he could not resist driving himself even deeper into her moist depths. He felt her become even wetter as she climaxed repeatedly.

Eventually Sand reached the point where he could no longer hold on any more. He clutched her rear and drove her down onto him as he pressed himself into her at the same time, shuddering as he climaxed. Gwynyth thrust down a few more times and then screamed as she, too, climaxed one last time. She rolled off of Sand and laid herself down next to him. She watched as he lay on the bed for some time, completely unable to move save for an occasional twitch. Gwyn thought he might have gone to sleep, and was startled when he said, "If this is the way you torture people, no one will ever obey you girl," he said. He looked into her eyes and grinned. "I certainly don't plan to."