Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and the second part of piece is written by my lovely and talented co-author Hermione30. I'd just like to thank everyone for their loving support to make this piece possible wipes tear away dramatically. If it weren't for all my Munchkins out there, I wouldn't know what to do with myself!

Signed,

Sarcasmo

And we will now present

Brought to you by the makers of quirky and weird phrases and pick-up lines:

Deflating the Head of James Potter

Chapter 1- Under the Wand

"Is the patient sedated?" Dr. Evans asked one of her assistants, Mary-sue, while washing her hands in preparation for the upcoming challenge.

"Oh, I gave him all he'll need," Mary-sue said, with a proud smile dawning on her lips.

Lily looked at Mary-sue very seriously. "Please tell me you didn't use your Veela powers on James. Remus can handle it, but I'm afraid if James has any more swelling of the cranium it might spontaneously combust."

"Don't you think my unbelievably superior level of intelligence told me that?" Mary-sue asked, allowing Lily to relax a bit. "I just gave him 500 mL of liquefied pranks. James should be out for quite some time."

"Good," Lily stated, pulling up the tops of her rubber gloves, then made her way to the operating room. "It's hopefully understood that this will be a difficult procedure, and something that has never had a successful attempt," Lily said, entering the operating room filled with people.

James was unconscious on the gurney in the middle of the room. In the viewing room sat Sirius, a tissue in hand, mumbling how poor James's best days were behind him. Remus and Peter were both assisting in the operation. "What kind of scalpel do you need, Dr. Evans?" Peter asked with a glint in his eyes.

"None of that today, Nurse Pettigrew," Lily said, sitting and gathering her supplies as Peter sulked away. Lily strategically placed suction cups on James's temples. "It's all about his thoughts," she said, taking a utensil to measure the large head in front of her. "Oh Merlin! This is worse than I thought!"

"What is it?" Remus asked.

"It's bigger than the lead trumpet player they brought to us last week!" Lily exclaimed. Many people gasped and whispered behind their hands.

Mary-sue shook her head slowly. "That poor boy will never date another flutist; he's stuck with the… with…" Mary-sue tried to finish her sentence, but ended up sobbing on Remus's shoulder.

"Poor thing," Gideon Prewitt said. "She had a bad experience with a tuba player once… never been the same since."

Lily listened to this explanation patiently, but knew there was another social life at stake here. Lily stood, walked over to the sobbing girl, turned her around and slapped her across the cheek. "Pull yourself together! This one still has a chance," Lily said, pointing at James. "True, he doesn't have a good chance, but the chance is still there. This is the only time you will ever hear this, but I need you, and I need you to have your head in the game," Lily finished, then resumed her seat next to James. "We need to do some major work on unsupressing these embarrassing moments," Lily said.

"What if it's not enough?" Remus asked.

"It should be," Lily said, remembering all the times she had declined dates from James. "If not… well, let's not think of that."

Lily turned back, her wand and a pensive at the ready. Remus was helping to look through the moments and select just the right ones. "Age five, family reunion; James wet himself," Remus said.

"Good one to start with," Lily said, enhancing and replacing the memory.

They continued to look through things, periodically throwing in a fall on a staircase, or being teased for taped up glasses. "There's a good one!" Remus said excitedly.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Third year; a banishing charm gone very wrong," Remus said.

Many of the guys in the room groaned painfully, and Lily looked up in disgust. "Did they… I mean to say-"

"Mungo's straightened it out," Remus said, saving the blushing Lily the trouble of finishing her question.

"It's gone down, Dr. Evans," Mary-sue informed Lily, using her x-ray measuring ability. Lily nodded slightly as Fabian dabbed her forehead with a towel.

"Oh no," one of the observing forth years said, pointing to James's moving right hand. James then started to turn onto his side.

"I thought you had taken care of this!" Lily shouted at Mary-sue.

"I did," Mary-sue replied. "It must not have been enough, but I couldn't have given him any more."

"I need lip gloss! Stat!" Lily demanded of her staff.

"I have blueberry and peach," Amelia Bones proclaimed.

"I need Strawberry! Does anyone have Strawberry?!" Lily asked.

"I do," Peter said, holding out a tube.

Everyone in the room stopped for a moment. Lily grabbed it quickly, however, and finished applying just as James started to sit up. "What's going on?" the blind James asked, trying to reach for glasses that weren't there.

"Hello James," Lily said in her most seductive voice.

"Lily?" James asked, squinting in an attempt to see the read head.

Instead of responding, Lily pulled James by his shoulders and kissed him long and hard. When she pulled away, James wore a lopsided smile before his eyes crossed and he fell back into his pillow, unconscious.

"Good work, Dr. Evans," Remus complimented.

Lily didn't relax, however, quickly getting out her measuring tool. "We've got three more centimeters to work on now," Lily said, furrowing her eyebrows.

The good mood from the solved problem that had just risen was soon forgotten as they worked on making up for the method of solution. "Here we go," Lily said confidently, finally reaching memories of her declining James's date offers. Things got back on a roll as memory after memory were put back into James's memory, all of Lily telling James 'no'.

When they had finished, Remus took the measuring tool and announced, "We need to deflate at least one more centimeter for it not to reinflate!"

"But we've used all the memories we could find," Lily said, double checking the measurement.

"That's it? What about the time you left him at the dance alone?" Amelia asked.

"Used it ten minutes ago," Lily said.

"There's only one way left," Mary-sue said decisively.

"What is that?" Lily asked.

"You have to turn me into a memory so he'll think I dumped him," Mary-sue said dramatically.

"No, Mary-sue! I can't let you sacrifice yourself in that way," Remus said, taking her by the shoulders.

"Don't you see Remus? It's the only way," Mary-sue said, putting her hand up to his cheek.

Remus took Mary-sue's hands into his own and looks deep into her blue eyes. "But what about us?"

"My inner eye has seen that you must be a bachelor when you become a teacher at Hogwarts, but you'll see me again someday," she said. "You'll see me in every foreign exchange student, and in the students that won't tell you of their tragic pasts even though they seem like none of it bothers them… I'll be there, I promise," she finished, then turned to Lily.

"You sure about this?" Lily asked.

"Absolutely," Mary-sue said. She braced herself for what was about to happen.

Lily did the charm to make Mary-sue into a memory, then placed her into James. They all held their breath as they could see James's head deflate slowly. Lily took the tool to take a final measurement. "He lost four more centimeters! It was a success!" Lily exclaimed.

Everyone in the room whooped and hollered as two of the assistants took James out of the operating room.

A/N: Okay... so there it is! The second part (the one Hermione30 wrote) will be up by Sunday! She promises... then again... it could be another month (Just kidding there!) So... what do ya'll think??? This ended up being a parody of EVERYTHING Marauder class and fanfic... Please Review!