The Memories You Left Behind

by 2Legit4You

Fujiwara no Mokou cannot die, she is destined to live on whilst everything around her crumbles to dust and fades away. Then Keine appears in her life and just like that, her solitary existence is given a new meaning. Overcoming her fear of loss, she finds there's more to life than living. This is a tale of the bittersweet and timeless love that bloomed between mortal and immortal.

1. Part 1 - Mokou, Fluttering Feelings

A/N: Beforehand I've just got to thank Achariyth1 for his excellent job of giving the first part of this fic more than one thorough look over. Pointing out mistakes in a way that makes me laugh at my own stupidity definitely requires some unique kind of tact.

Disclaimer: Touhou Project and all its affiliated characters are property of Team Shanghai Alice(ZUN).

Note: This fic contains lesbian/yuri/girl-on-girl/ content. If you are offended by such material I ask you to please stop reading here.

...

Part One: Mokou, Fluttering Feelings

'Time can be your worst enemy or your best friend.'

The frail bark cracked and splintered beneath the forlorn strokes of my fingers. There were no longer any leaves dotting the sprouting branches. That was normal in winter when the seasons changed and the leaves had already fallen. But it was spring, the tree should have been bursting with cotton candy coloured leaves. This sakura tree I had come to admire would no longer bloom for me.

"I guess that was your last winter." The tree was lifeless, never to bloom again. I was reminded of the impermanence of everything in this world. This tree had been standing since the day I'd gained my immortality. In the beginning it was only just a sprout battling with the forces of nature to continue growing stronger and taller. For a thousand years I'd watched it grow, watched the petals fall and blossom in constant cycle. Now it was gone...and with it a part of me seemed to depart alongside.

"Mokoooou!" Keine trotted up the shallow hill to meet me where I was staring up into the gnarled and twisted fingers of the dead tree. "What did you want to show me?" She turned and huffed. "Mokou, what's wrong?"

What the hell! Why am I crying? I could taste the tangy salt on my tongue; feel the trails the tears left in their wake. "I-I wanted to show you..." I could hear the sadness in my tone, the unexplainable hurt. Not this. "T-to show you―" I turned away and looked into her hazel eyes, seeking the words that were hidden to me. "Keine."

I fell into her arms wrapping myself around her gentle form, pursuing comfort. I pressed myself harder into her body wanting to force out all the negative emotions swirling around inside me. Keine said nothing, only stroked my head and whispered soothing words to me. Her fingers were soft and tender calming me as they caressed my scalp.

When my tears dried up I was resting my head on Keine's lap as she laid her back against the sakura tree. Her aroma was sweet and indulgent. Somewhere amidst the sobs the reason for my tears was expressed. Keine looked to be searching for something, a way to help me. Her eyes sparkled and she looked down at me. "Paint a picture for me."

"What?"

My response caused Keine to chuckle and rethink her words for a moment. "With words I mean. Tell me what this tree used to look like, how tall it was, how many leaves it had, how beautiful it was." Smiling she wiped the tears from my eyes. "Tell me about it."

"There's no way I could remember how many leaves were on the tree." I closed my eyes and futilely tried to create a reasonable figure in my head. One thousand? No...Ten? A hundred? "Well there was a lot."

"Mmm, I'm sure there were," Keine agreed with a playful mocking smile. "And what else?"

"It was old. I always remember it being right here, never moving. It wasn't impressive at first but eventually it became so amazing. It was incredible. In full bloom the colours were so bright I'd get a headache from looking at it too long. You wouldn't be able to see any brown either there was just so many leaves. And then when the petals fell... It was like time had stopped. I'd stand right under the tree and count every falling petal until there were just too many to keep track of. Then they would catch the wind and swirl all around me. They seemed alive, like fishes swimming in the air. It was like, like I was in another world. Everything was so calm and peaceful. I'd forget everything for a time."

When I finished speaking I closed my eyes and revisited my memories of the tree, so grand and breathtaking. "I didn't get to see it bloom every spring. But I made a promise with myself that I'd go and have a look at the tree whenever I was around." Within my mind's eye the petals were swimming in the ocean of the sky, soaring to new heights before gradually declining and getting whisked away finding new sights to ponder.

"That sounds amazing." Keine spoke after some time. She placed a hand over each of my cheeks. I cracked open an eye to see hers closed. "And now I have an amazing picture in my head and you have an even more incredible memory."

"I think that nothing truly dies, Mokou. I believe that within memories small parts of the souls of every living thing you've ever seen and remembered exist. As long as there is someone who remembers and holds those memories deep within their hearts nothing will truly ever die, and you will always be here which means this tree will never die."

"I wonder..." It was hard to believe in such a simple and wondrous world where everything could last for all eternity. But still, I wanted to.

"So cry now, Mokou, and smile tomorrow. You have a duty to this tree and to everything else you've ever seen die to smile and remember all of them with fond memories, of the times where they were at their greatest. So that they can live on within you."

The smile she gave me was warm, so warm. I remained silent, lamenting on days past, absorbing the words of Keine. Searching for the wisdom and hoping for the faintest glimmer of truth. There were a lot of things I was unsure about.

However right now, right here, under this tree with Keine breathing right by me. I thought to myself:

I want this moment to last forever.

...

"Knowledge is passed on through generation and generation, past every age, forever moving through time."

The system was simple. Keine, no, in class it's always 'Sensei', would write on the board talking whilst she did, she'd explain anything she thought might be unclear and expand on the things she felt everyone understood. When it was all said and done, she'd face the class, flash her brightest smile and begin a quiz. She seemed deaf to the moans and groans of the class and flew through every seat, asking each occupant a question. Some were lucky and got the easier questions, others were not quite so fortunate. If someone didn't get an answer right, amidst all the sniggers and sighs she'd re-explain the concept to the entire class.

However simple didn't always mean effective. I, Fujiwara no Mokou, am beginning to seriously question the credibility of this system. Sometimes Sensei would just bolt through an entire section talking way too fast and using words way too big and there was no way to keep up. And even if you didn't understand it after the umpteenth time she explained it to you she'd carry on anyway, deciding enough time had been wasted.

We learnt things like mathematics, language, science, biology, history, you name it. They were all boring useless and difficult. Except history, I liked history. I hadn't gotten even one history question wrong. Never, not even once. In fact sometimes ―to Sense's chagrin― I'm the one correcting her. Maybe it is all a little unfair considering how I've practically lived through history but I don't care. After all Keine always makes me answer the maths and science questions, that stuff…was hard.

Some days I would question my sanity for being here, after all I was a lot older than any of the kids currently attending what was apparently a very basic, almost remedial mathematics class. There was nothing about life that I needed to be taught, I've lived enough for twenty people. However in the thousand or so years that I'd been alive ,the world had progressed in the fields of science and mathematics to such an extent that it was supposedly commonplace for even a normal person to know what a prime number was, or how clouds were formed from evaporated water, or the names of bones and muscles and a multitude of other useless, boring things you'd never use in practical day-to-day life.

What happened to the days where numbers were used only for counting and bad weather was the gods getting angry? Wanting to be in the know-how and feeling uncomfortable with the way everything had changed and not knowing what was now considered basic had driven me into a corner. So of course I was had to ask Keine to teach me. I wanted private lessons however but Keine said she was too busy and insisted that I attend school like everyone else, that the atmosphere would be good for me and that I would meet new people.

Naturally she never told me that the people I'd be surrounded by were ten to twelve year old kids who didn't even know how to tie a yukata. She also made me promise I wouldn't quit halfway.

She thinks of everything, well at least it's only twice a week.

"And so that is why two is the only even prime number." Sense's voice concluded in a droll tone. Then as always she spun around and searched the class for her first victim. "Nanashi, what are the factors of thirteen?"

"Uhm... one and thirteen?"

"Yes! Correct, now, Akagi, what does that make the number thirteen?"

"A prime number!"

"Correct again. Satsuki, why is it a prime number?"

"That because every prime only has uhhh... two factors. One and itself."

"Very good." Then I knew it was coming, Sensei's eyes narrowed onto me like a hawk that just found its prey. Her smile was sweetly wicked. "Mokou, what's the highest prime number smaller than one hundred?"

Immediately everyone's eyes were on me. Don't all just stare at me. The kids always did that, since I was the oldest I was therefore assumed to be the smartest. Which by most accounts I was, these short lived brats had nothing on me. Except for maths, they always beat me at maths."That? That's a simple one." I said waving my hand nonchalantly. The kids love to watch me fail. "Pass."

"I'm afraid you're not allowed to do that, Mokou. If you don't know the answer, then guess. You could be right." Keine retorted, crossing her arms and looking like she always did in teacher mode, shrewd and expectant.

I crossed my brow, staring into Keine's unrelenting eyes. Come on, Keine, you know I suck at maths. "W-well, uhm...uhh..." Ninety-five? No no no. Anything with five in it is a multiple of five...so... is it something bigger…then...? "Ninety-nine?"

When she shook her head and sighed the embarrassment was enough to set my face ablaze. I puffed up my cheeks and turned my eyes away, trying to ignore the stifled giggles of the class. "No that's not it, does anyone else want to take a try?" Amidst the chuckling children only one dared to raise her hand. "Yes Shio?"

"Ninety-seven, Sensei."

"Correct. Well done, Shio." Shio made to sit. As she did she turned to me sticking out her tongue wagging it back and forth. Shrugging I turned away, not letting myself get baited by Shio's childish mockery. But then a paper plane hit me.

Remaining calm, I plucked the folded contraption from my desk, reminding myself to take deep breaths. On the paper was a crude depiction of me as a monkey sitting on the moon scratching a balding head. In large corkscrew writing were the words: Mokou is stupid!

The crass, stale insult I could forgive. However to draw me as a monkey on the moon? What was with this kid? I didn't give the question much thought as the paper quickly crumpled beneath my fist. You little! With only a second to adjust my aim I threw the crumpled paper ball smacking Shio right on her big white forehead.

She was shocked for a moment, looking from the paper to her assailant. When her eyes fell on me, partly from boredom and partly from irritation I stuck my thumb on each temple, wiggled my fingers and pulled the same mocking face she had presented me with earlier. Shio mimicked me and in this childish way I succumbed to her level.

"Mokou! Shio! What are you two doing!?"

"Eh..." I articulated frozen in the silly position that I was. "Sensei, she started it!" I declared immediately thrusting my finger out to point at Shio. Shio, however, was facing me with wide eyes feigning innocence.

"I never did anything," she sang in a sweet guiltless voice which preached no lies.

"What? Don't lie, you little brat!" I shouted out loud a slither of incredulousness creeping into my voice.

"Mokou, into the corner now!" Keine commanded in a voice that brooked no argument. I was going to protest but Keine quickly silenced me with a piercing stare. Grumbling I crossed my arms and sat in the corner where I was paying more and more frequent visits too these days.

"I don't even want to learn about maths," I grumbled to myself while I sulked alone in the corner of the class. I sat and waited barely listening to the continued lesson behind me. I tried to sleep but without a desk I'd just fall over. I began to whistle but Keine's shouts quickly shut me up. I tapped my feet on the floor, twiddled my thumbs, looked around the class for a moment and quickly decided that I was bored.

Glancing up at the clock I watched it tick by, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Soon everything quickly faded and there was only the clock and the inevitably passing time. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Slowly everything became inconceivable, just passing.

"…kou, Mok…, Mokou!"

I jerked from my seat, barely catching myself on the chair before it toppled sideways. I looked around to notice that the classroom was empty. I heard the sounds of shouting and children's laughter from outside where the kids were playing a loud game of tag.

"Jeez, you're just like a kid, Mokou, dozing off like that. Were you daydreaming?" Keine offered me her hand, pulling me along outside.

"Nah, I was just waiting for the lesson to finish." I stretched my arms out behind me and searched for a good spot to lie down. I found a spot nestled between two tall trees, where shade was plentiful and settled there. "Math is boring."

"It's boring but you need to know it. Science and biology too." Keine responded in quick defence of her teachings.

"Yeah but when am I going to need to know that ninety-nine is not a prime number? It'll hardly save my life one day, or anyone's for that matter."

"It's my job as a teacher to teach you as much as I can in the short time I'm given. Whether or not it's useful for saving lives." Keine sat down next to me one eye watching the kids as they ran back and forth. "Are you going to break your promise, Mokou?"

"No, but do I really have to come and learn twice a week? Can't it just be one day?"

"No. You were the one complaining about how you didn't get what was going on in the world. You asked me to teach you. Remember?" She gave me a 'don't tell me you forgot' kind of look. I shrugged in response, looking up smugly to show that of course I remember. Keine chuckled, "You're so much like a kid, Mokou."

"I'm a pretty old kid don't you think?" I rolled myself slightly more forward tucking my hands into my lap and leaning over the food Keine was slowly unpacking. "Man, school blows. I'm tired of all the rules and restrictions already. Can't you tutor me privately or anything?"

"If I teach my kids at school and tutor you I'll never have time for myself. Besides you need to get out and socialize a bit more often." Keine procured a sandwich meticulously cut into four perfect squares. "Hungry?"

Grudgingly I accepted. "I socialize plenty…Just stop calling me a kid okay."

"Why?" Keine asked, a playful teasing tone creeping into her voice. "Does little Mokou want to grow up so fast? Kids always grow up in the blink of an eye."

"That's not it!" I said gritting my teeth in frustration. "It's just that, well…I don't want you to see me as a kid. I'm older than you, you know."

"I know." She grabbed the lower part of my lengthy hair, throwing white locks over her lap. She began to calmly remove the various flowers and other such nonsense I'd let the younger girls deposit in my hair earlier. Her touch was sweet and gentle, like a caring mother. "But you make it really easy to forget. I don't see you as a kid though."

"Then what do you see me as?" I questioned while reaching out for another square. I straightened my back, biting into the sandwich with one eye trained on her. Keine smiled enchantingly.

"A very precious friend." She whispered, plucking a pure white rose from my hair. I felt myself begin to blush. The tips of my ears were tingling, I fell back and rested my head on a twisted root sticking out from the ground. The pillow was uncomfortable but the decreased elevation helped to hide my face from Keine. "And what do you see me as, Mokou?"

"Well…I see you as you. Keine is Keine in my mind." I clenched my lip between my teeth. "That's a good thing." I added as an afterthought. Keine didn't seem satisfied but before she could speak there was a cry. I looked up to investigate the source of the cry, but it was only Sorata screaming because he was being 'stabbed' by one of his friends. Their role-play was always top notch.

"They really do grow up so fast." Keine gazed wistfully at her students, her eyes travelling over every one of them separately. Her emotions were locked behind her eyes and I could only have a guess as to her thoughts.

"Well it's only natural, they're humans after all." I told her after a while of pensive silence. "They live short lives, it's just how it is."

"Mm. Their lives are short. I've taught some of these kids' grandparents. It's always the same. One day they're looking up at me with wide eyes calling me Sensei. Then suddenly I'm looking up at them as adults working hard to fulfil their lives. Then they get married, have kids and I teach their kids just like I taught them. It sometimes makes me feel lonely, that they're moving on while I just stay here." She turned to me, her eyes wet with waiting tears.

"It's alright, Keine," I said holding my hand over hers, trying to soother her. I understand. I do."

"It makes me so happy." She cracked open another smile, but not the kind I was expecting. It was a genuine, happy smile. "I love watching them grow, I love watching them surpass every milestone, I love to see them living."

That's when I remembered, with a hollow wrench. That Keine was different from me, that she was...different. "You really love humans don't you?"

Solemnly she nodded. "I do."

A kid tumbled falling hard. There was a large, painful looking gash on her knee where the rocks had dug into her skin. The girl looked at the injury, trying to act brave. Suddenly everyone was around her, asking her useless questions. Overwhelmed, she burst into tears. Dropping my hair Keine quickly got up and told all the kids to move away. Wasting no time she closed the distance between her and the injured girl. After a quick examination Keine picked the girl up and ran inside to the medical bay.

I debated on whether or not to follow but eventually decided I'd probably be a bother. I lay in the shade thinking over what Keine had said over how she loved to watch humans grow. It seemed… I was alone in my resentment to the short lived. I was…

"Hey, Mokou! Please come play with us! We need you to be the monster!" Sorata yelled at me, oblivious to the fact I was trying to rest. I grumbled my denial. "Pleeeease, Mokou."

With a long sigh I pushed myself up onto my feet and dusted myself off. "Fine."

...

'In time everything grows brittle and weak, but my love for you only grows stronger.'

The moon shone one giant flawless circle in the sky, ray of sullen light painting the night landscape in a surreal gleam. Its light was welcome both to the untiring gazer and to the night time explorer.

Maybe if I weren't so biased I'd actually find the moon delightful like so many others. But to me the full moon wasn't a beautiful sight to look upon. The reason? Well there were two mainly. The first reason was that whenever I looked at the moon I was reminded of someone who used to live up there and wound up on earth, someone intolerably horrid. Some even called her the Princess of the Moon.

The second reason… well on nights of the full moon, when its light shone the greatest Keine became… wild. It wasn't wholly unpleasant but it did become tiresome after some time. During the fool moon her hakutaku blood boiled over and she partook in some obvious changes. A large pair of horns grew out from the top of her head, climbing several inches towards the sky. She also grew a large brown fluffy tail, which was troublingly soft.

It wasn't her exterior changes that were so much of a bother to me, in fact I thought it was rather endearing. But her personality change was what I worried about. She'd become impulsive, acting on fickle whims and her usual stance of thought out actions was completely abolished. She wasn't uncontrollable however and if she set her mind to doing something she wouldn't stop until she was done. Then she'd pick something else to do at random and the process would start over

At first, Keine had locked herself up during the full moon. She'd do it so that she might not be distracted or seen. Then she'd pour her all her abundant energy in to completing tasks and filling out forms for her teachings, ever diligent scholar that she was. She was also afraid of how she might act around anyone and that they might come to hate her for her rambunctious transformation.

I say originally however because ever since a certain event a while back, her full moon activities have changed slightly. It was admittedly my fault. One full moon I ignored Keine's instructions of leaving her alone. That's when I accidentally stumbled into her fully transformed. In anger, surprise, or just for the hell of it, Keine attacked me. I won…barely.

Any injuries I might have suffered I didn't even notice, which meant that probably all my limbs were still attached. I was more concerned about Keine who I had tried so hard to calm down, whilst trying not to injure her. At the end of the battle the portion of the forest our fight had chosen as its stage was scarred and burnt. I reached out for Keine to help her up, but she bolted like a frightened dog, tail right between her legs.

That led to an hour long search for Keine. I'd never searched for a lost dog before but I imagined it must have been something quite similar. It was well past midnight when I finally found her deep inside the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. Her clothes were in tatters, both from the fight and from branches and bushes which decided to have a go at her during her hasty retreat.

She was clutching her red-ribboned house hat with one hand while the other tried to hold up her threadbare dress. When she saw me she burst into tears. She pleaded a million times for me not to hate her and apologised a million times more. Thing was I felt just about as guilty as she did. It was my entire fault after all. Keine wouldn't hear my side of the story though; anything I would try to say was quickly overshadowed by her loud crying.

After she calmed down enough to listen I assured her I wasn't angry and led her through the forest and to my house for a bath. I scrubbed the dirt from her skin, washed the filth from her hair and did a rough job of tending to her wounds. I'd learnt a lot from watching Keine tend to me and so I was rather impressed with the job I did. The reversal of roles felt rather nice and fresh. It was pleasant looking after someone; it left you feeling gratified and warm.

"Are you alright now?" I remember asking while handing her a loose fitting change of clothes. The conversation was strangely easy to recall.

"Yeah." She responded pulling the nightgown over her head. She smoothed the cresses with flushed cheeks. "Sorry."

Her tone was morose and she wasn't able to look me in the eyes. I sighed scratching the back of my head and considered what would be best to say. I decided to be frank. "I've told you already to stop whining. I'm not mad and I don't hate you. It's my fault anyway."

"B-but I hurt you! And I should have at least told you the reason why you must leave me alone during full moons. It's just that…I was worried you might think I was…ugly."

I held up my arms, trying to show that beneath the scratches and tears of my clothing there were no longer any wounds. "There's no way you could've seriously hurt me, and even if you did you wouldn't have been able to kill me." I told her. I put my arms down again and gave her a quick appraising look. "Maybe you should've told me, but I would've come to see you during a full moon anyway. Besides the transformation is better than most. In fact it's kind of cute."

Keine's tail began to wag at that, "Really?" She piped up suddenly like a shy teen. Her flush deepened and her mood seemed to increase slightly. She brushed a lock of her silvery green hair behind an ear, her crimson eyes meeting mine.

"Absolutely," I agreed. "And tonight's been one of the most interesting nights of my life. It's been strangely fun."

Then Keine exploded with an abrupt shout of: "Mokou!" She tackled me, toppling me over and wrapping her arms tightly around my waist, forcing the air from my lungs.

"Keine! Let go!" I reprimanded her, trying and not succeeding to pry her arms off of my waist. Her tail was wagging back and forth as she nuzzled into my chest, forcing herself between my breasts. "Come on, let go!"

"N-O."

Maybe it was the slow, deliberate way she said it or the predatory tilt of her eyes looking down at me. Or, how if I lowered my gaze only a few inches I could watch the sweat from her hot skin trail down her neck and between the valley of her breasts. One of these, or all combined might have been the reason I stopped my struggling and shut my mouth.

"Good." Keine said, rolling out each syllable for as long as her breath would allow. "It's your fault for disturbing me whilst I was working. So, to make up for it," she slid up my body, causing my skin to tingle. With her breath tickling my ear she said, "Let me hold you tight."

Unable to protest I gave in to her whims. I turned my head away trying to hide the blush crawling onto my face. "Okay." That night my sleep was long and deep, comfortable and warm. Safe between the iron hold of Keine's arms.

Now every full moon since that night, Keine always finds her way towards me. She no longer shuts herself away inside her home. Call it impulse but she searches for me. I now expect every full moon to be a loud and eventful night.

Lucky me…

Yet, despite all the negative points I've been talking about, I still liked Keine the way she was on full moons. It was a new side to her, one that continually peaked my interest. I felt special getting to be able to see the side of her she tries to hide away.

Tonight Keine and I were drinking. The idea of mixing Hakutaku Keine and alcohol was probably not my brightest but she had insisted. Besides I'd always wanted a drinking buddy that could keep up with me, Keine tried some nights but she'd always quickly go down. However Keine transformed had matched me for every sip that I drank and looked raring to continue on for the rest of the night as well. Already I could feel the slight buzz and loss of self that indicated I was now tipsy.

"But nobody cares about history! They either say: 'but oh it's so boring!' or 'history isn't important.' and some feel that they don't need a teacher to teach their children. That if it's history then they'll just go ahead and teach them themselves!" The cup Keine was drinking from spilled as it was being sloshed from side to side in rhythm with Keine's verbose rant. I had heard this complaint already but still nodded in agreement with every word. "So now if I want my school to remain popular I have to teach other subjects as well. Tsch, I'm telling you it's too much work."

Keine tipped her head back, downing what was left of her alcohol. I matched her and we refilled our cups. Keine's cheeks were red from the alcohol and her eyelids now began to droop slightly, like curtains half shut. "I agree with you there, history is probably the only thing I like to learn about. Nowadays people would rather waste their time reading useless things, like that Tengu's newspaper."

"What was with her latest article on me anyway!? 'The Were-Haku-Otaku'? What's an Otaku? The article made it seem like I had no life! As if all I did was coop myself inside all day. I do so much more! I teach kids, I cook for you and me, I've got to clean and *hic* help manage the village."

"And she also had that picture of you when you woke up wearing my clothes. Then all those rumours started." I shook my head and silently cursed the blasted Tengu within my thoughts. "I should cook her and use her meat to make some yakitori. I'll have people lining up at my stall till the end of the bamboo forest wanting to taste my Tengu yakitori!"

"That was because *hic* the night before we were drinking *hic* and we said we'd go a night in each other's shoes. It was a school night too and I woke late so I *hic* panicked…" A strong breeze blew suddenly and as if she were made of paper Keine fell over onto my lap. I had to reach quickly to stop her cup from spilling all over her dress. "You smell burnt." Keine commented, now fully drunk.

Ha, there goes my competition. One minute she's with me no wear for the wind and the next she's crumbling with every gust. "Jeez, done already?" Keine curled her tail over her leg and onto her lap. The fluffy appendage swayed lazily from side to side, unable to control the urge I reached for her tail with both hands and began to stroke it. It was soft.

"That *hic* feels good." She mumbled. Her cheeks were heavily flushed and Keine purred her satisfaction. "I'm feeling sleepy."

"Do you want to go to bed? I'll lay out your futon. It's about time I started heading back too." So soft, I thought as I continued to stroke her tail.

"No, I'll stay up with you."

"You don't have to push yourself you know?"

"I'm staying up with you." Keine said flatly. Keine could get stubborn, a drunk hakutaku Keine? I don't want to even know. I shrugged.

Whatever.

After a moment of silence in which I finished my last cup of sake the drunken Hakutaku spoke up in a slow, sleepy tone. "Say, Mokou, do you know what the student's call you?"

I could think of a lot of names they might use to describe me. None of them were very appealing or amusing. I sighed and shook my head, not wanting to waste breath on a guess. "What?"

Keine turned on my lap so that her lidded eyes were looking straight at me; her arm motioned clumsily to grasp a cheek in her hand. Her touch was tepid, sweet. "Sensei's wife," her voice was heavy with sleep and bashfully timid. "My wife they say." She giggled.

I hoped that in the poor lighting Keine wouldn't be able to see the red stain of my cheeks. My heart skipped a beat as she started to giggle more and more. Soon I started to chuckle as well, and cupped her cheeks between my hands. She is so drunk. Then with sudden force Keine flipped our positions, she held down my arms above my head and lay down on top of me pressing me to the floor.

"Hey, Mokou." Keine said as she started to lean forward. Her silver hair fell over my face, a strand of green highlight tickling my nose. She continued to lean forward, her breathing was heavy and smelt strongly of alcohol. Her face was centimetres from mine now, her voracious red eyes piercing into me. I froze in panic, heart beating in a strange, unfamiliar way.

My mind began running around in frantic circles. What is she doing? Why do I feel so hot? I can't think right. She's so close. Why can't I move? As I wondered these things Keine's face only came closer and my heart felt likely to break through my chest. Then Keine chuckled and deposited a quick, chaste kiss on my forehead. "Gooooodniiiiiight." She managed to say before rolling over and starting to sleep.

I remained motionless for several more seconds, before finally pushing myself off the floor. I lay out Keine's futon and half guided, half dragged her into it. Once she was tucked in I shoved my hands between my pockets and with a look over my shoulder to check that Keine was sleeping soundly I made my way home. In the silence of the night and my head still buzzing from all the alcohol, I wondered.

Is my face as red as my pants?

...

'Take time to be sure, but be sure not to take too much time'

When you're in love you can't think straight, that's what I'd concluded. You start looking at the other person, thinking things you've never thought before. Your body reacts just as stupidly as your thoughts do. Suddenly you blush at the slightest contact, suddenly when you look that person in the eye, your heart can't help but skip a beat. And suddenly, their smiles, their laughter, their happiness becomes yours.

Everything just happened. One morning, one ordinary day just like any other, your world changes. And in my case, the change is frightening. You wake up with thoughts of that person, you have this unexplainable impulse to see them, to talk and say nothing to them. You just want to be with them, and when you're with them you start to notice the first changes.

Was she always this pretty? You wonder as she smiles, brighter than the rising sun. Were her eyes always so appealing? You ask yourself as your arms become shaky and you start to sweat. Did her smell always give me this sense of peace? You think as she embraces you.

Then your thoughts start going awry, well more so than they already are. You hug them just a little tighter, just a little longer not wanting to let go. You watch them, study their lips as they contort to form words, watch them curve over every morsel of food and for a split second your mind wonders: What would a kiss feel like? Your nights are colder than usual, lonelier and you realise you want them with you; you want them to keep you warm. You want to love them.

Tired and bothered I lay awake in the middle of the night, still thinking over that night a couple days back when Keine kissed me, on the cheek. It was just the cheek, I told myself. It means nothing. Except it did. To me.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I pressed my hands around my head and shook it furiously, trying to get her out of my thoughts. With a sigh I rolled over in my futon, reaching my hand out, groping in the darkness for the body that wasn't there. Keine…

There was light rain outside forming late night mist, leaving the night air fresh and crispy. With a growl and an angry hand I clutched the blanket and threw it off of me. My skin rose in goose bumps as the chilly night air greeted me. Before I could convince myself otherwise I grabbed a quick change of clothes, threw over a plain white shirt and shuffled into my usual pair of red pants. I slipped my feet into my boots and without an umbrella I opened my door and walked out into the drizzling rain.

It's all her fault. Hers! Hers! I headed to the nearest exit of the Bamboo Forest, my destination still unclear. If I wanted to think I wanted to be alone, if I wanted to be alone I should be walking the other way, deeper into the forest and away from people. So turn around. I never did.

There's got to be something wrong with me. Do I really have romantic feelings for Keine? Were these really my true feelings? Would she love me back, even though I'm a woman? These were my thoughts, and they terrified me. If this was truly love, that kind of love what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to approach it? If Keine had never gotten drunk…if she hadn't kissed me maybe then I wouldn't be suffering this inner turmoil. I could have gone on with my everyday life, I was happy with the way it was. I was happy for the first time in a long time and now…Now I'm scared.

I was scared because there's no way she could return my feelings. Besides the most obvious reason I just wasn't the right person for Keine and I never would be. I can't change who I am, what I am. There's just no way she'd feel the same way about me, right?

What had first attracted me to Keine? I'd asked this question before and never found a satisfying answer. Perhaps I was lonely and I liked the attention she was giving m. She was funny and sweet, she cooked really delicious food as well. There was also that she looked at me like I was normal, worried about me as if I could actually die. Idiot.

In Keine I'd wanted someone to share my misery with. Kaguya was happy with this immortality. Not me. Never me. Kaguya has that Lunarian, who do I have? I have no one. That's why I came to Gensokyo, to look for Youkai, to look for creatures that might possibly share my resentment towards the short lived, who could feel the grief I did of never being able to love someone for fear of losing them to time.

In Keine I'd maybe hoped to find that companion, someone to share that pain. But Keine was different…Keine loved humans, she loved the living. I had no-one to share the pain with, but really I didn't care about that rather, I was jealous of them.

I am nothing Keine loves.

Not a man despite how I may act, not a human, not living. So there's no way Keine could ever love me back, she might love me but, my love and hers are different. That knowledge sometimes made it difficult to breathe, it felt like my heart was contained in an iron grip. Somewhere along it all Keine plucked my heart from within my chest, despite my hoping not, despite my fear.

I don't want to love her, I realised, because if I do, the pain, the inevitable hurt will be unbearable. Yet I want to! I want to I do. But…But… I can't, I mustn't. If I try to pursue this love I might lose Keine forever and I don't want that. That would pain me even more. I want to be with her, by her side even if only as a friend because, if these feelings are genuine, all I want is to have as much happiness as I can with her, for as longs as possible. I don't want this platonic love, yet I want it to stay. I want to push it further, to take the next step but the fear of becoming too close and then losing her is suffocating.

At some point the rain went from light drizzle to thunderstorm torrential. The rain pelted at me with what felt like a thousand tiny stones per second, but I welcomed it. The pain was a distraction from my whirlwind of contradicting thoughts. I don't know how many minutes passed but soon I found myself at the door of Keine's home. My dripping was causing a noticeable puddle to form by my feet.

I knocked. I didn't expect her to be up, the only way she would be is if she were having trouble sleeping, or she was pulling another all-nighter. Whatever the reason at this unreasonable hour her door opened and Keine stood there to greet me, her disheveled hair standing up in tufts all around her beautiful head.

I wanted to confess, right then and there with Keine still drowsy from sleep. But I was panicky; I lacked the courage both to accept my feelings and to share them. "Hey." I greeted, perhaps a little bit too casually. I offered Keine a cheesy smile, "Quite a storm huh?"

"What the heck are you doing out at this hour in this rain! You're drenched Mokou." Keine shouted and I flinched at the disapproval I felt rolling off of her in unrestrained waves. "You're going to get sick!" She yelled again, tugging at my sleeve and bringing me inside.

"Y-Yeah about that…" I quickly searched for an excuse, "Well you see someone got stuck in the forest, so I decided to help them out. You know me! Best guide around!" I puffed my chest in pride, the motion sent splashes of water over Keine and her house. "Oh and I don't get sick."

"I don't care what the reason is," Keine declared forcing me to my knees; she grabbed a towel from one of her cupboards and began to dry my hair. Her touch excited me. "Honestly, Mokou. I'm not going to shout at you for helping someone but think about yourself too, okay? Worry a little about yourself."

"Rather than worrying over me you should be happy that I chose to come to you when I needed shelter." I said to her as she took the towel from my hair several seconds later.

"That's just because you have no other friends, Mokou." I winced, her frankness stung. "Now hurry up and undress. We need to get those wet clothes off you." Keine turned around and exited the room, I assumed she was headed for the kitchen. I followed her orders, looking over my shoulder as I stripped to make sure Keine wasn't looking. In my current state of mind I might just die of embarrassment. That'll be something.

I changed into a pair of dry clothes Keine always kept spare. I was never really cold, I'd kept a constant layer of heat over my skin so that I wouldn't feel the cold, but I wouldn't be telling Keine that. "All done." The smell of freshly cooked rice stew greeted me when I poked my head into the kitchen, the aroma caused my stomach to grumble.

Dressed in an apron and looking over her shoulder Keine made the picture perfect image of a hardworking housewife. "I thought you might want some warm food." She told me as she removed the pot and began to dish up the food into two bowls. "I've just warmed up the supper I had tonight, but if you'd like please have." I nodded and gave Keine a thumbs-up, expressing my interest. She grabbed the two bowls and headed out towards the smaller dining room.

"Let's eat by the fire." I suggested. "I'll get it going." It only took one fireball to get the wood crackling, the smoke rising and the heat going. I graciously accepted the bowl from Keine and made myself comfortable next to her. The food was hot, I'd burnt my tongue on the first bite and gotten scolded by Keine, but it was as delicious as I expected.

"Does it taste alright, Mokou?" Keine asked me as she blew on her spoon, her eyes were on me waiting for my response. I gulped down the spoonful I had in my mouth and gave her a big cheery grin.

"It's better than alright. It's amazing!" Just like you, I almost said. The fire was fiercely hot and the rain continued to fall undeterred. I wished for the passion of the fire, the determination of the rain. Yet whenever I tried to say something to Keine, about how she looked or how she made me feel my tongue became a big useless lump. All I could manage out were these staple comments and even that was a challenge. Yet I enjoyed this feeling of tense closeness.

"I see. Glad you like it." Keine had finished her bowl by now and placed it carefully on the floor, she dished herself and I another bowl each. "The company's great too." She remarked with a satisfied sigh. "Are you feeling alright, Mokou? Are you sure you're not sick?"

"No, no. It's just…I'm really happy right now." I told her with a bashful smile. Yes, sitting beside Keine, her caring over me and eating her delicious food. This was simple happiness. This was my simple love. I couldn't deny that. "Hey, Keine," I began my voice uncharacteristically timorous, "Do you think that maybe, I can eat dinner with you every night?"

Keine looked at me sideways, her cheeks filled with rice. She swallowed her food down with a graceful gulp. "Every night?" She asked, her tone was filled with doubt and I scratched my head in embarrassment.

"You don't have to. I mean just l-like if it's not too much work or anything."

Keine frowned and her forehead crinkled the way it always did when she was thinking about something. "Well, okay I guess. It's easier cooking for two anyway. But you have to bring food every second day then and you're doing the dishes. If you agree then I'm fine with it. It's nice to be with people when you're eating, you know how they say conversation is the tastiest spice!"

"I'll do it then!" I agreed with eager enthusiasm.

Keine smiled then and my heart took its cue of forgetting to beat properly. "Great!"

When neither of us could stop smiling for the rest of the night and our laughter soon overpowered the rain, I realised that, yes. I was in love with Keine. My feelings were real, but they'd stay where they were because there was no way in hell I'd want to ruin this.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

...

'There is only one thing that lasts longer than time and that is true love.'

The air whisked after me, whistling past my ears in a high scream sounding the excitement I felt boiling over in my heart. The colours of the world flashed by in instants as all the shapes of the sharp rock face melded together as one. There was only what lay beneath me, the crystal water so clear it seemed to be a pool of liquid diamond. As I reached the cool water my hands broke in, melding a path for the rest of my body to follow, smooth as silk the rest of me entered slipping into the water with lithe grace.

My sight exploded and the underwater world greeted me, there was a momentary panic as the cold of the water reached my lungs like an icy hand had reached inside me and was trying to force crush my lungs. I burst from the water gasping for breath as the air within me escaped in a laugh. I brushed the mop of white hair from my forehead and perched my head to the sky, using one hand to block the sun's light as my other waved at Keine leaning over the edge of the cliff. "Jump in! The water's perfect!"

"Mokou, I'm not so sure about this!" Keine shouted as she gave the drop a dubious glance. The place I led Keine to, was one of the many hidden sanctuaries that I had discovered in my years. It was a rock pool hidden within the mountain that loomed above the bamboo forest. Although there was no path I knew the mountains almost as well as I knew the forest, all the shortcuts, all the secret caves, coves and shallow meadows. As far as my knowledge extended, I was the only person aware of this place, and now Keine.

The place was in a word, breathtaking. The rock face closed over on all four sides with trees peaking over the edges of the top. Their canopies extended over the gap of the edges creating a bizarre leafy roof with gaps for sparkling rays of sunshine to hit the water and illuminate the dark rock beneath. As the day progressed the sunlight would catch on the rocks, climbing ever higher along the earthen brown surface. When the sun was setting it illuminated the earth in a placid shade of orange. The water would then reflect the colour of the edges, taking on the same subtle shade of sun-set orange; the rippling water seemed like fire, flickering and alive.

"Don't think, Keine, just jump! It's not that bad once you hit the water!" I kicked back my legs and lay floating on my back, my hair collected around me blanketing the back of my body. "You don't want to miss this!"

"What if the water's cold? What if there's a rock where I jump? What would happen if I hit the water then forget how to swim!"

"I'll warm it u p if it's too cold for you, there are precisely zero rocks and if you forget how to swim I'll be here to save you!"

There was silence and I took a moment to sigh mentally. I thought once I'd jumped in Keine would just follow suit, but she hesitated and she made excuses and she was slowly talking her way out of it. "You need to take a leap of faith, Keine! You don't want to regret anything later, trust me!"

"But, Mokou, I don't like heights, this is scary."

Just yesterday you were up on a three-storey roof fixing a leak, I thought bitterly.

"Just do it! If you're scared then don't worry I'm right here, you have to jump in to reach me though." I smiled a cheeky smile; I stretched my hand out and made to grab Keine. The small Keine within my fist was soon crushed. "I'm waiting for you. Come on, I'm waiting for you to reach me."

It all happened so quickly I had only a few instants to register what exactly had occurred. Keine seemed ready to leap, but as she motioned to jump her foot caught on the hem of her dress, her hat went flying as she toppled forward, arms outstretched and flailing wildly. Why didn't you take your clothes off!

Without a thought I rushed to try and catch Keine, I swam underneath her before I realised I couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. The second after my realisation Keine fell on top of me. Her forehead met mine and the thud of our skulls kissing echoed off the walls setting birds to flight in the sky. As I started to sink I wondered what death by drowning would feel like, I hadn't experienced that one yet. Though if I was stuck at the bottom of the pool when I resurrected wouldn't I just drown again?

I wasn't left long to wonder as I felt a hand desperately try to grab at me, with a shock of realization I remembered Keine. I ignored the thunderous pounding of my head and clasped Keine's pale wrist. Her dress soaked with water added weight and drag to her making it an effort to pull her out of the water and lay her on top the hard rock shore. Keine sputtered and coughed the water from her lungs, then with a deep tired moan she collapsed on her back and looked likely to sleep.

"That was a mess," Keine commented drily, her mouth curled into a small, evil smile and a crackly laugh rattled from her chest. "I thought I was going to die."

"Whose fault is it for jumping in with a dress, I told you to take your clothes off when you jumped in." I reminded Keine as I rubbed at the bump growing on my forehead. My clothes had been mostly discarded when I took the first leap, currently I was clad only in knee-high pants similar to the usual I normally would wear and I was completely naked on my upper half save for the sarashi wound tightly around my breasts.

"B-but…" Keine stuttered as she gave me an appraising look, I fought in vain to keep the blush from rising on my cheeks. "I didn't bring anything for swimming; I'll be in my underwear…"

"How is underwear different from normal swimming clothes? They're both practically the same thing, one layer of clothing covering the important bits."

"They're not the same thing!"

"Are so."

"Not!"

"Are."

"It's different."

"Nope." I held my gaze, not flinching from the knives of Keine's intense eyes. We stared at each other like that for what must have been more than a minute before Keine finally averted her gaze with a sigh. "Come on, just get in. Think of it as a bath. When you go to the onsen you're fully naked. This is only half of that. If it's too cold I've got my fire." I formed a flame in my open palm, the edges of the flame licked at the open air as I continuously fed it life.

After a few moments Keine nodded, swaying to the wisdom of my words, "Alright." She rose and as she did so I noticed the way in which her wet clothes stuck tightly to her form, outlining the curves of her hips and enviously abundant breasts. "Have you seen my hat anywhere, Mokou? Mokou?"

"Ah! Umm," My head flew back and forth as I tried to locate the hat, forcing myself not to continue looking at Keine, "I think I saw it fly somewhere off in that direction. I'll go fetch it."

I climbed over the edge of the pool, splashing into the shallower pool that lay below. The water in the pool was flowing around in circles, a collection of leaves was growing around the middle and the water was murky from settling dirt. I searched around the smaller pool and found the hat nestled into plant muck. "Found it!"

As I yanked the cap out I destroyed the wall of gunk which had been acting as a dam wall for the small pool. The water began to flow again, rushing through the opening I'd created and slowly the pool began to clean itself.

I climbed back up to the larger pool holding my trophy high in one hand. Keine had laid her dress across one of the rocks that received the most sunlight, I caught Keine in the corner of my eye submerged up to her nose in the water. She was blowing bubbles trying to imitate some frightening water monster, I think. I missed her changing, I thought guiltily to myself as I placed Keine's hat next to her clothes. "I think autumn's on the way, I saw some leaves falling into the pool below and they were all red and orange."

"Surprise!" Dripping hands grabbed at each other as lean arms secured themselves around my waist. My feet flew from under me as I was pulled backwards with force. The water met me from behind and soon consumed me in its wet embrace. I thrashed around underwater trying to escape from Keine's iron grip but sadly to no avail.

I took an instant to heat up my body, raising it to boiling temperature. Keine let go with a yelp and I used the opportunity to elude myself of her grasp. Then I went on the offensive. Shouting a war cry I jumped at Keine trying to get a secure hold either around her head or her waist. We tussled around in the water for a while longer; I quickly gained the advantage over her and was holding Keine underneath the water. Victory was mine and it tasted sweet, then the pain hit me.

"Ow!" I brought my hands to my face and examined them for wounds. Two perfectly round sores lay in the middle of my palms, just then Keine burst from the water horns atop her head and attacked me once again.

I couldn't bring my hands up in time and she had a tight vice grip on me, it only took a few more seconds before I was forced to admit defeat, "Enough! Enough!" I cried whilst a smile grew on my face, "You win, you win."

"Ha!" Keine exclaimed, releasing me from her grip. She held her chest up triumphantly, also covered in a sarashi. "So you admit defeat?"

"Yeah, yeah." I rotated my arm, stretching the joint and searching for signs of any other injuries. "Stupid horns."

"In history the winner always punishes the loser, demanding tribute as a sign of superiority. Thus as I won, you need to be punished, Mokou, for taking up arms against your liege."

"You're the one who attacked me first! It was self defence, self defence!"

"Uh-uh, the winners write history, The great battle between Phoenix and Hakutaku was only witnessed by the combatants! Therefore I can say what I want and all you can do is agree with what I say and meet any and all demands I force upon you."

Not feeling up to arguing with the insane history nut I only bowed my head and agreed, "Alright, whatever. What do you want?" Be reasonable. I had an instant to regret my immediate obedience as I saw a dangerous spark erupt in Keine's smooth almond eyes.

"Full spa experience!" The were-hakutaku exclaimed raising a pointed finger to the sky, "A teacher's life is hard you know and I could really do with some relaxation, not to mention my muscles are all stiff from the climb up here. I could really do with a soothing afternoon serviced by you." Keine winked and laughed demurely.

"I'm talking massages, hot baths, the works."

"Spa?" The world hung uselessly in my mouth, I had no knowledge as to how to provide 'the works' either. "So… what exactly?"

Keine sighed and laid her hands on her hips beneath the water, "For starters make the pool warmer, then you can start with the massage."

"Right…" Still unsure I performed the first step, I created two balls of fire, one in each palm and lowered them into the water. I fed the flames more energy and started to heat up the water around me, I moved in circles around the pool as I did so heating the edges before proceeding towards the middle. From there I pumped even more into the fire and the flames tripled in size, then tripled again. The heat from the centre spread outwards until soon the entire pool was releasing layers of hot, foggy steam.

I wiped the sweat that was collecting on my brow and removed it with a lazy flick of my fingers, "Ooh, nice," Keine moaned in satisfaction as she sunk her body beneath the hot water. The sun had passed its highest point and was now gradually making its way further down the skyline, the shadows growing as the sun sunk.

"And now?" Keine half opened one eye and began to hum a tune, she didn't respond and instead lay with her head back enjoying the warm water. I decided to sink down and also enjoy the soothing warmth for a moment.

"Now it's the massage!" Rising suddenly along with the steam, Keine stepped out of the pool, droplets of water cascading down her body in a light reflective blanket. She padded forward to where the rock was at its flattest and stretched out her body, dipping her hands in the water. With a lazy drawl she murmured her commands to me, "Come on, I'm waiting."

In this instant Keine resembled a lazy cat basking in the sun, begging with purrs for a scratch and a rub, I had always been weak to the charms of animals, doubly so when Keine was the animal. With downcast eyes I ventured from the pool until I was standing on top of Keine.

"Well, get started," she purred and closed her eyes with a sigh.

"Right," Hesitantly I stood with each of my feet on separate sides of Keine, dripping warm droplets onto the outline of her back. Slowly, I lowered myself onto Keine, sitting on the curve between her hip and lower body. I spread my hands across her back, delighting in the simple touch.

I pushed Keine's hair off of her shoulder to fall on the ground below, revealing her neckline. With a tepid touch I trailed a finger over the contours of Keine's spine, tracing the path of various water droplets. "Time to start," I announced drawing my fingers to meet at the base of Keine's spine. From there I began my massage.

I pushed each individual finger into her flesh, moving away from the spine, my thumbs took up the original position of my fingers and pressed into the line of her spine. Maintaining pressure I moved my hands upwards and out, feeling for knots and tight muscles. As I reached the shoulders I lifted my fingers skyward, digging the base of my hand into the cleft of her shoulder blade. From there my palms fell down and took a firm grip of Keine's elfin neck kneading the muscle and skin in sensuous harmony.

"Wo-ow," my subject exclaimed breathless, "you're pretty good at this."

I gave Keine a small smile she most likely couldn't see, "Thanks." I leaned forward, my palms flat on her upper back pushing the majority of my weight onto her. I felt the knot lying underneath her right shoulder and dug into it with all my weight, riding my palm over it again and again. Keine gasped in sudden sensation and my heart beat faster for an instant. Keine's skin was soft and pleasant to the touch, smooth and nigh flawless.

"Ooooooh, that's ittt…" Keine moaned, low and lungless. Her body was lean and lightly muscled, her lack of fat making the muscles of her back cut and defined. Her shoulders were stiff as well as her neck, those two places are where I focused most of my attention. I gained an intense satisfaction from the act whenever Keine's voice escaped to reveal her pleasure, or when she gasped in blissful pain, but there was also a sense of guilt, in the knowledge that I was bringing her pain.

"Y'know, Mokou," Keine began as I forced four pointed fingers into the core of her neck, "I think," my thumbs fell down to force the muscle of her neck into my fingers, "think that you're changing."

"How so?" I craned my neck in befuddlement as I rubbed at the knots in Keine's neck.

"You're starting to notice things that you weren't able to notice before. You're starting to care about things that previously you never even spared a second thought for," She shook her legs and squirmed underneath me when I reached a particularly tight knot.

"Is that so?" To stop her squirming I moved away from that one to work on a smaller one, "I don't think there's anything that I particularly care about more than I did before though."

"You wouldn't know it's all the small things you do, all the unconscious things. Like noticing the seasons, or the weather, picking a flower or watching a bug, even the way you talk. It's all changed." My thumbs were beginning to throb lightly from overuse so I rested them for a moment, only lightly rubbing up and down her back, rejoicing in the sweet, easy contact. Keine is beautiful.

"Before you never cared about anything, it's like you were just waiting for time to pass, you had no interest in anything and just did what you did. I got the impression you were running away from something I couldn't see." That's partly true.

My hands lay lame and unmoving now my mind too engrossed by Keine, I felt drawn in to what she was saying and it evoked thought within me. I tried to remember me before Keine, but it was all just blank.

"Now though… you seem happier. More grounded and aware of what's around you, you're interested in the world around you!"

Close, but not it. "Keine," I spoke in a slow, ponderous voice. I brought my hands to rest on Keine's lower back pushing down, "have you ever thought, that possibly," I moved my hands forward, sending my body gliding after them slithering like a snakes. Keine gasped at the sensation as I dug my hands into her back.

"You're the one tying me down." My body was pressed to Keine's, the cloth of my breasts running over her skin, the skin of my stomach kissing hers in fiery heat, "and that," my voice was a whisper now, husky and coated sickly sweet. I brought my mouth to tickle Keine's ear. "I'm not more interested in the world around me but, in the world around you."

...

'Love is the emblem of eternity, it confounds all notion of time, effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end.' – Madame de Stael

Time, the indefinite continued process of existences past, present and future. All regarded as one.

Immortality. Eternal life, the ability to live forever.

Eternity, infinite unending time.

I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid of finding love. I'm afraid of living any longer.

But I've found something. Something that scares me but something I want. Something I know won't last forever.

That's why while it's here I want to be happy, I want to forget everything I've ever worried about. If in eternity I can have just this small amount of time with this precious something, I can go on.

Eternity was my sole lonesome companion, because of it I became cut off from the world. Secluded in my own little reality, separate from mortal beings afflicted by the passing seconds, minutes and hours I became an indefinite existence. Everything I used to watch grow, live and die becomes so fickle. The mightiest tree's standing leagues higher than the rest, their leaves sun kissed and flourishing are soon reduced to shells, hollow and lifeless, lacking all of the qualities I once gazed so enviously upon.

I'm aware that is was all my fault and I don't entirely regret it. I only regret not realizing how lonely I'd become.

Within eternity everything changes, yet I who am immortal remain the same, unafraid of the hidden plague, the silent killer, the inevitable reaper. It all becomes silly, a joke. As an immortal I gain an inevitable arrogance. Nothing can truly kill me, everything else seems so weak and inconstant, so perishable.

Dynasties I thought would last forever crumbled. They used to be so threatening, so imposing.

I watch as time withers everything down, eroding away the great and powerful until they're nothing more than dust, to be blown away and lost forever in the wind. Their remains are deposited thousands of metres away, becoming foundations for newer, greater spectacles. All of which I will watch inevitably fall victim to the never-ending process of attrition and rebirth which affects all living things.

Am I really alive?

No, by becoming immortal I removed myself from the cycle of life. A sin. I denied my mortal soul, my fate. I denied myself of life. A contradiction to what I wanted, the inverse of what I expected. I become a husk, alive in body, dead in soul. I cannot live my life anymore for I forgot how to live. For living is knowing death will unavoidably meet you, it's fearing the unstoppable, embracing the inevitable yet fighting passionately with all your strength to delay it.

I sinned aware of what I was doing, ignorant of the consequences.

I cheated. I broke the rules of life and now I suffer the consequences. I can no longer love, for all those I do die. I become ostracized by those who fear that which they do not know. Change in living things is expected, why don't I change? I'm a demon, a devil, a monster.

I never wanted to be one. I just couldn't help it. Death was so terrifying to me.

I became unable to participate in society. I became an observer to events I can't care to change. Time I realised, is all about perspective. Seconds can be hours, years can be minutes. At some point it all just blends together in a hazy swirl of rising suns and moons. Years fly by in instants, everything dies just as quick. And I am left, alone in my eternal torment. I can't remember yesterday, can't distinguish past from present, present from future. Time all becomes one.

I am an undying forever existing entity, taking part in nothing and witnessing everything, containing histories of days no-one remembers, truths that none have uncovered.

I would trade it all just for a chance to not feel alone

"Mmm, hah," the sleeping body beside me moaned delicately, lips slightly parted. Well, that's how I used to feel. Most of that's gone now. But I fear losing you, I'm scared of you leaving me, Keine. We were resting side to side, cuddled into a small cave whilst we waited out the sudden shower of rain. The fire spit and crackled keeping our bodies warm and uniting our shadows in dance on the walls and ceiling.

I rolled my by now dry clothes into a ball. Then as gently and smoothly as I could I turned around, grabbing a hold of Keine and carefully lowering the sleeping girl onto the floor. I placed her head on the ball of clothes now acting as a makeshift pillow. I smiled and thoughtlessly stroked a stray wisp of her hair behind an ear.

I retracted my arm but as I did the sleeping Hakutaku whined and placed her fingers atop the back of my hand, keeping it there. I smiled in response of the thoughtless action, which mystifyingly left me feeling requited.

Acting on a moment of courage and calm serenity, I tended my lips towards hers, and tenderly kissed the sleeping beauty.

I've found something a little like love. I'm afraid of it but I want it. The loneliness I felt is gone, but in its place is a new pain. One I'm sure might crush me.

If you will love me, my life will all be worth it...

FIRST PART END