Depressing oneshot. I don't know what possessed me to write it but hey the idea was in my head. MerDer. Based on a song called Broken Hearts and Concrete Floors by Dashboard Confessional. The story is set 10 years after Meredith finds that Derek is married, instead of staying in Seattle and watching the events she picks up her career at mercy west.
NOTE: I DO NOT OWN GREYS ANATOMY.
Warning: Tissues may be necessary. I cried while writing this. Angst, angst, angst then thanks to rewriting probably no Happiness.
I'm
always assuming the worst
But you're going on none the less
And
there's nothing to cushion your heart
led fall
Letters from
further away
Keep pulling me close to home
And they're
something to cushion my callous sighs
And I know that you hope
for
Longer goodbyes
Embracing for forever
And falling in
your eyes
In your eyes
Your eyes
Pouring over
photographs
I'm living in your letters
Breath deeply from this
envelope, it smells like you
And I can't be without that scent,
it's filling me
With all you mean to me
To me
Continually
failing these trials
But you stand by me none the less
And you
won't let me sink though I'm begging you
I'm begging you
Phone
calls from further away
And messages on my machine
But I don't
ever tell you this distance seems terrible
There's no need to
test my heart
With useless space
These roads go on
forever
There'll always be a place
For you, in my heart
So
I'll hit the pavement, it's gotta be better then waiting
And
pushing you far away cause I'm scared
So I'll take my chances and
head on my way up there
Cause turning to you is like falling in
love when you're ten…
Derek pulled out a letter that was written so long ago by the only girl to ever truly have his heart. Her name was Meredith; he hadn't seen her since her transfer to Mercy West, which was 10 long years ago. So much had changed yet it was all still the same. He was still married to Addison who he had not been in love with in years. He loved her just not with as deep of passion as he did Meredith. He dug deeper in the box of items that had held so many memories of Mer inside. He pulled out an old SGH tag with her picture and name on it. Izzie had sent some of mer's things for him to keep, without Addison knowing he had to keep them in a small box in the small shed where he kept his lawn tools. He soon found another letter from Meredith; something was different about this one though. It had never been opened. As he opened it a pine of guilt and sadness rushed over him. He quickly opened it.
Derek,
I miss you; I plan on moving back to Seattle May 24, 2016. That is when my contract sets into place, I will be returning to Seattle to return to my job. I am now a neuro attending. also there is someone I want you to meet. She has wanted to meet her father and I think it is about time she does, even If you and I didn't work out. I really did love you and always will. It literally killed me when you chose Addison over me.
Sincerely,
Meredith Grey
He gasped and looked at the calendar. May 23, 2016. He pulled on his jacket and drove to the hospital. He had to tell Addi that they weren't going to work out. He paged her to an on call room.
"Derek what is wrong, you look terrible."
"Addison. I don't think you and I are going to work out. I am still so caught up over Meredith. And she has a child, we have a child a baby girl."
"I understand Derek, but I hope you know this will not be easy on me. I am still in love with you. I just haven't seen that love in years." Addison said through teary eyes.
"I am so sorry Addison. I never meant to hurt you. I just feel you and I were over since I walked in on you and mark. " He said kissing her affectionately on the cheek.
"I know it will be better for you, I, and Meredith. I know you never meant to hurt me. I know you never meant to hurt her. But you still did Derek."
"I know." He said.
"Just try not to hurt her again." She said as he walked away, she slid onto the floor. She knew he was in love with Meredith from the start and that the distance between them would never change that. Addison sat alone and cried for over an hour, she fully realized that it was gonna get worse before it would get better.
Later that night Derek was at the trailer alone and was reviewing the letter. He took in a whiff of the letter it smelled like lavender, like Meredith. Something he didn't notice was a picture that had fallen out of the envelope. It was Meredith and a young girl with raven hair that had Meredith figure and facial features but Derek's hair. She was beautiful. He turned the picture over and it said 'Meredith and April Grey, October 12, 2013' he grinned; he loved the look of his girls. He drifted into sleep and woke up the next morning to the sound of a car door slamming. He looked outside, the sight before made his breath catch in his throat. Slender, sleek, and stunning Meredith strode up his driveway. She didn't look much different except her hair was a little longer and it was slightly more blonde.
"Meredith."
"Derek. I meant to call, is this a bad time? Oh god, Addison? I can leave."
"No don't. Addison is gone, we are getting a divorce. I missed you." He said pulling her into a kiss.
"No Derek." She pulled away from him.
"Meredith?"
"April. She is the only reason I am here. I can't do this again. We can't be us anymore." She motioned him to follow her to her car, which was a black ford mustang with pearl flames along the hood and sides.
"Meredith we can try, to be us again."
"I have raised her for 10 years on my own and I am fine."
"You are not fine, Meredith. You are anything but fine."
"Well we don't always get to be happy."
"You deserve this Meredith, you deserve more than your job and raising a child by yourself." he said motioning to the sleeping girl of about 8 years.
"I am not alone. I have her. I have my friends. My job. I couldn't rely on you in the past so why should I now."
"I know you do but just let me be there for you and her." He told her soothingly.
"I can't, just see her so I can go I have a meeting with the chief."
"Meredith. Is this it? For us?"
"Yes. I'm sorry." She began to cry.
"I am too." He said. Watching her get into her car. He had seen his daughter. None of that mattered though. He couldn't have a life with her.
Everyday, for 5 years Derek watched the beautiful woman known as Meredith come to work alone, pick up her child alone, go home alone, repeat the process alone. She never changed, she was always the same. The dark and twisty had grown on him just from watching the unhappy girl exist. The only time she ever had a smile on her face was when she was with April. He didn't know how she could live everyday alone. He was going crazy. Many women had asked him out and he had said a polite 'no thanks' to every single one of them. He couldn't take it anymore. One night Derek was driving home from Joe's. He had quite a bit to drink, he didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. It was raining heavily. He blacked out for maybe a mere minute and that was all it took, he pulled out in front of a semi and was hit, his car slammed against a brick wall. He wasn't gone yet. He took all his last energy, all his strength to write a 5-word sentence. The words that pretty much summed up the last 15 years of his life. The words meant so little to anyone who didn't know Meredith and Derek inside and out, but so much to them and they're closest friends. The investigator found the paper folded neatly in his hand along with the pen he had used. They did not understand but when they asked the petite blonde about the solemn last words, she laughed through so many tears that had formed in her eyes. It wasn't a proud laugh, or happy laugh but sort of a lunatic laugh. Like the scene going on in front of her was driving her insane. The words that caused them both so much pain? – I should have chosen her.
Meredith looked towards the ocean. She looked far out with tears in her eyes, she stepped close to the edge. She looked into the water; she dropped a bouquet of white lilies mixed with some lavender. They floated around the Eliot bay. She began her goodbye ceremony at the same place were he had saved her when she had drowned. Some of his words whispered in her mind
'It's like I was drowning and you saved me.'
'You and Me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game; it's your tiny ineffectual fists! And your hair.'
Moments flashed through her mind before she began to speak.
"Derek, I love you. Yes you should have chosen me. But you didn't and you can't blame yourself. You wouldn't be you if you hadn't tried. So please don't blame yourself. As much as I would love to end this here and come up there with you, I cant I have to take care of April. I still love you and you can make this up to me by waiting, just wait for me up there Derek please. I love you. I should have let you be part of my life the past 5 years, but I couldn't not after you hurt me like you did." She stopped talking and then a single tear rolled down her cheek. The wind picked up at that moment and she looked out into the ocean. A ferry was passing, not only was it a ferry but the lettering own the side. A banner hung on the side 'in memory of Derek Shepard.' She grinned. She felt as though it was a sign.
DEREK'S POV
I stood beside her as she cried at the bay. She had caught onto my sign. What I wouldn't give to just kiss her one last time. But that is over. I do not blame her and will do her one better and wait at heaven's gates for her. I will not go in till she is by my side. For I love her, and her dark and twistyness.
Meredith lived to be 86 and died, a peaceful death surrounded by those who loved her, including April who had followed in her mother and father's footsteps and become a neurologist and had a son, in which she named Derek. Meredith was finally reunited with Derek in heaven. She had stayed single her whole life. That was how much she loved him. For you can't always live a life of Broken Hearts and Concrete Floors…
This story I thought was pretty good. I cried while writing it. The end was a difficult one but I have always wanted to write a song fict. I am so much happier with this version, which was rewritten thanks to RegretablySomber! I am so happy she brought up how emotionless the last one was. I am hoping this was filled with emotion
Peace Out,
Brittany