I drifted into consciousness. I stared at the ceiling in a daze. I was in hospital, but I couldn't remember why. I felt myself start to panic. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I kept them open long enough to notice the restraints around my wrists. That sent an adrenaline rush through me.
I jolted awake, and started to try and fight the restraints.
"Get them off! Get them off!" I yelled, trying to fight the restraints around my wrists, pinning me to the hospital bed. Obviously, I wasn't winning, or going to.
"Please!" I screamed. I didn't know where I was, or why I was there or why I was restrained like some violent, dangerous person.
This time, a soft, familiar replied to me.
"Just get them off!" I begged, beginning to sob.
"Princess, ssh ssh. It's okay. Zosia's here now..." My big sister soothed, she had come to my bedside. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me and gave me a cuddle.
"Get-them-off-please..." I choked out through tears. I was about to have a panic attack. Out if the corner of my eye I saw Zosia look at a doctor. The doctor must have agreed, because within seconds Zosia had undone my restraints and I was clinging to her.
"Z-Z-Zosia!" I sobbed. I didn't want her to go anywhere.
"Do you want me to come and cuddle with you?" Zosia asked.
"Y-Yes." I stuttered. Zosia climbed into bed with me and pulled me into her, so she was on her back and I was curled into her, I had my head in the creak of her neck.
"Sssh...just breathe" Zosia soothed, gently rubbing circles on my back. She lay with me until I calmed down. She was always very patient with me.
"What happened?" I sobbed, I was so confused and couldn't remember a thing.
"You have to remember. I can't tell you." Zosia whispered to me, trying to keep me calm.
"I can't remember." I sobbed.
"Close your eyes, and try for me. Please angel." Zosia whispered.
I took a few deep breaths and relaxed into my older sister. I closed my eyes and thought hard.
I thought long and hard. Bits started to come back to me. I remembered I had just got in, but where had I come from...
I opened my eyes and gently picked up my sisters hand. I rolled up her sleeve and saw what I hoped I had imagined, Zosia had a patient band around her wrist. So the part about her being sectioned was true.
"Are you still leaving?" I asked. I remember Zosia saying she was going to go and live with Mama's family in Poland for a while.
"I don't know." Zosia replied, kissing my forehead.
I then looked down at my own wrists, they where bandages up. The rest came back to me.
"Your sleeping tablets..." I trailed off, I sat up cross legged and put my head in my hands.
"So you do remember?" Zosia said, she remained lying down on the bed behind me.
"Yes." I replied.
"I took an overdose of your sleeping pills last night. When I got in from visiting you. You said you where leaving, and I knew if you left you wouldn't come back, and I wouldn't be able to cope. I just wanted everything to stop for five minutes..." I sobbed. I felt Zosia put a hand on the side of my hip but I shook it off.
I gently unwrapped my left wrist followed by my right one. There were cuts pretty much from my elbow to my wrist on the inside of both arms. They were going to scar over properly. Just more to add to the collection...
"What happened? You could have talked to me. You seemed to be keeping it together when I couldn't." Zosia said. This was going to be an awkward conversation.
"No. No I couldn't, because I'm not the strong little sister you and dad want me to be. and you know that. You know that I couldn't come and talk to you. Not anymore." I snapped back.
"You have dad." Zosia said.
"You know what dads like." I muttered. He was the reason Zosia was leaving.
There was a small pause, because she knew I was right.
"You can't go..." I whispered.
"I need to. I love you more than anything, you're family. I'll fly you over regularly, I promise. But as soon as I'm discharged, I need to go and get better. That's not going to happen here." Zosia said, carefully choosing her words.
"But you could just move in with Aunt Judith and her cats..." I trailed off.
"Sweetheart, I need to go and be with Mama's family. I'll come back, I promise." Zosia replied, I knew she was right.
"Go then! If you care that little, just get out." I snapped. I regretted it as soon as I said it.
She didn't reply to that. I felt bad for making it sound like it was her fault. It wasn't. I should say that, but Zosia climbed off the bed and left before I could say anything.
"Zosh..." I called after her, but she carried on walking. She just walked away from me, when I needed her most. But I would have walked away from me if I was in her shoes to be honest...I couldn't blame her.
I didn't have enough energy to go after her. I curled up and cried for a bit, clutching my arms to my chest, before eventually drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up, it was dark outside, and the rain was battering the window. Zosia was sat on the chair next to my bed, she had fallen asleep with her head rested on the bed next to me.
I didn't want to wake her up just yet.
I raised my hand and gently stroked the side of her cheek with the back of my fingers. I watched the steady rise and fall of her chest. After 5 minutes or so, Zosia began to stir. She tilted her head so she was looking at me but her head was still leaning on the bed and she took my hand.
I sat up and wriggled sideways, patting the space next to me.
Zosia carefully placed herself next to me so we were facing each other.
I took her hands in mine and looked her in the eye.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered quietly, rubbing her fingers with my thumb.
"I love you." Zosia whispered back to me, pulling me into her chest.
"I love you too." I replied, nestling into my sisters warmth.
We cuddled for a while, until I fell back asleep. I'm guessing Zosia did soon afterwards.