Inure
Summary: A shinobi's sanity measured in colors. Kakashi-centric
A/N: This fic disregards the latest filler arc for the most part. It did, however, served as an inspiration for this one.
Also, beware of the many parentheses and direct speech without quotations...
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Sometime in the past, someone decided that it would be a good idea for shinobi of the Leaf who seemed to be mentally unstable to regularly undergo a psychological evaluation of some sort to check that they were not about to snap and cause damage of varying degree to the village.
What mattered in the end were the results of that evaluation. Green, perfect, perfectly stable. Yellow, an indicator that you had been in the ninja business for quite some time. Red, proof that not all were cut out for this kind of life and if nothing was done about it, would cease to have any sort of life altogether.
Hatake Kakashi was one of the many individuals in the history of Leaf the village had deemed necessary to undergo this psychological evaluation.
This need had been first addressed when he had reached the tender age of six, at the beginning of a war and the end of a beloved person's life.
x
The first time Kushina saw Kakashi, he was but a small, sad figure, standing behind Minato, glaring and scowling at the entire world.
She was silent as she prepared something for the young child to eat and barely heard Minato's muttered apology about how he had to leave because of some meeting taking place which required his presence.
He was gone before Kushina could even fetch something sharp and pointy to throw at him.
They lapsed into uncomfortable silence, eyeing the other warily. However, Kushina was many things but being a fan of silence was not one of them so she decided to break the silence with a carefully chosen question,
"Do you want to eat Ramen?"
x
It had been slow, the forming of their bond forged by their shared loneliness.
x
He didn't know what to think of them.
Minato had practically insisted on Kakashi moving to their little apartment, saying that living in that big house all on his own couldn't be healthy.
It wasn't but Kakashi didn't care. He had received the results of his first psych evaluation and it said right there, that he was okay, alright and definitely not broken.
Green, Minato, it's green. See the color? You don't have to worry about me.
But he did and it didn't take long for Kushina to feel the same as if the blatant signs of his being okay (green, green and green, nothing changed about that, no matter, how many times he went there) weren't convincing enough.
No, it was as if exactly this was the thing which troubled them the most.
Minato worried because he was just that sort of person, the kind and caring sort.
(Maybe, we should stop. You've already trained enough for today, Kakashi.
There's this game, I mean, exercise, which you should try out, Kakashi. It will be fun, uh, very useful for your ninja career.)
Kushina worried because he was just like she had been, hollow yet filled with a rage with no certain aim. She despised seeing this, a painful reminder of herself, and tried to rip this image (mirror image) apart.
(Hey, what's with the long face? Kids your age should be running around and annoying the heck out of everyone, dattebane!
I will share my secret and awesome Uzumaki fuinjutsu secrets, if you show me what's behind the mask. I won't laugh, I swear!)
They were annoying. A distraction from the duty he had to fulfill but he respected them. They were strong and loyal shinobi of the village, he could respect this.
(And it had nothing to do with the fact that after spending three months with them, his latest psych evaluation had definitely improved.)
You're starting to recover, Kakashi-kun. Being in the company of other people certainly helped you. You should really reconsider your decision to move back to your old house.
And the doctor had given him a look and he had just nodded, fingers clutching the papers - result: green - tightly.
He stayed, enduring that entire ordeal (and it was) with resignation.
Somehow, they had crept up on him without him realizing.
x
The first time Kushina saw Kakashi with his teammates, he was happy.
Well, happy, as in not scowling and looking like you've just found out that your entire Ramen supply had expired.
She was silent as she watched the trio, one grinning, one smiling, one shaking his head. They fit in a way she found hard to describe. Like links meant to be forged together to a chain.
Her thoughts were interrupted by screaming, courtesy of one Uchiha, wearing a pair of goggles. Kakashi looked less than impressed and even though she couldn't make out his words, she knew that whatever he had said scathed the Uchiha greatly and made the little, brown-haired kunoichi shake her head in fond exasperation.
Time to crash the party.
In a blink of an eye, Kushina was standing before them, her hair whirling in the wake of the summer wind. She smiled contently at the looks of shock on the children's face - with the exception of Kakashi whose expression bordered on frustrated resignation.
They had lapsed into stunned silence and Kushina breaks it with the enthusiastic question,
"Do you want to eat Ramen? Minato pays."
x
It had taken years until he realized how precious and important his team was to him. And then it was too late.
x
It had been five minutes. Those five minutes quickly turned into fifteen minutes, half an hour, an hour, two.
Green. For some reasons, he felt like setting the papers on fire.
I understand (you don't understand anything) that this loss has affected you greatly, Kakashi-kun. I'm here to help you (you can't). However, I can't do this, if you won't talk to me (I don't want to). Talking with someone about this is the first step you have to take (it isn't).
Minato was too caring.
(You've been out all day. I know that you're capable of handling this strain but you don't have to, I mean, endure it all on your own.
Can you show me your Chidori? I might be able to give you some pointers on how you could improve it. Speaking of own jutsus, there's this one I've come up with and I'd like your opinion…)
Kushina was just too adamant, too set on trying to change him into something which didn't resemble pain and blood and loss.
(We should go and eat Ramen. This time, I will even pay. And before you ask, no, the world is not ending.
I will teach you some neat fuinjutsu tricks but you better not just copy it. There's already a clan running around, acting all mighty and high about it. We don't need another in the village.)
They were annoying. He knew that they thought of him as family and he could respect that but…
Kakashi, are you alright?
Are you okay?
(You're one broken, little thing, aren't you?)
I'm alright.
Okay.
Alright.
(Not broken.)
No…
(Because that's what the green says right there so would you mind shutting up?)
Somehow, he had gotten lost on the road of life and no one was there to guide him back.
x
The first time Kushina saw Kakashi with the blood of his dead teammate on his hands, he was devastated, broken, utterly annihilated, his face an emotionless mask, hidden underneath another.
She was silent as she watched him lay the flowers before the tomb of Rin, Minato a reassuring presence for the two of them. He was her glue which had put all the pieces back together and she wished she could do the same for Kakashi.
They had lapsed into depressed silence since they had reached that part of the village, reserved for the fallen, the dead, those who would never return.
Now, he would have one more reason to be late.
She didn't know if she should but she wouldn't be Kushina if she just stood there and remained quiet.
"Do you want to eat Ramen? It never fails to cheer up people, ya know?"
x
He shouldn't be surprised but he was.
Green, green, green. As far as the eyes could see, green.
Back again, Kakashi-kun, huh? A sigh. (This isn't exactly professional, doctor.)
He didn't say anything and just stood up and left again, ignoring the protests.
It wasn't like he cared.
Kushina and Minato, however, more than made up for his lack of caring.
Minato, sad and guilty about the lost links of the chain which had been Team Seven, worried and tried and helped and smiled.
(Are you sure that you want to be a part of the ANBU? I don't doubt your abilities but you're still so young, Kakashi. Try to think about it a bit longer, okay?
No need to call me Yondaime-sama, Kakashi. Minato-sensei is just fine, although I wouldn't mind you calling me Yellow Flash either. It's a nice moniker, isn't it? I just wished that it was a little longer…)
Kushina, stubborn and understanding of his losses (her village had been destroyed by that thing called war so he at least, he could be sure that it wasn't pity), worried and tried and helped and smiled and joked.
(Ramen is the way to go, Kakashi. Never forget this. It's a fact of life.
Seriously, I can't believe that the Uchiha clan was just okay with this. I mean, I thought that they'd scream a little, at least. Now, I don't even have a reason to prank them. And stop looking at me as if I'd prank them, anyway!)
They weren't annoying anymore, for some reason.
So he tried and he smiled.
It's glad to see that you're recovering, Kakashi-kun.
(Holy god of ramen! Were you just smiling or was that Fugaku's idea of revenge? Putting me into some Genjutsu. Oh, Fugaku, you better stop this now or I swear I'll give you a kick that would make Tsunade-hime proud. What do you mean it was real? Huh, it wasn't? Dammit, make up your mind, Kakashi!)
(I see. ANBU did help you. I'm glad, Kakashi. However, I still don't understand how you manage to be late in ANBU and didn't get into any trouble yet. Never mind that, there's something I want to tell you. It's about Kushina and me.)
Yosh, Kakashi! My eternal rival, let us bathe in the glory of youth! I challenge you to a match in which we shall fight with the tremendous power of youth! Where are you going? Oh, you're so hip and cool! As expected of my eternal rival!
(Dear kami-sama, why? Just why?)
He wasn't surprised when he realized that he was a closet pervert. Or liked reading mature books.
(But it was written by Minato-sensei's sensei, one of the legendary Sannin, the one who had written the book with the protagonist Kushina's and Minato's child was named after. Of course, he had been curious and the plot was engaging and the ninja techniques used were highly interesting. He wasn't reading it for the porn.)
Somehow, the excuse of getting lost on the road of life wasn't that true, anymore.
x
The last time she saw Kakashi, there was no silence of any kind. In fact, they were chatting away. Well, she was, anyway.
"What would you do if I'm not here anymore?" Kushina asked bluntly, after she had once inquired about Gai's well-being and had gotten a shudder in response.
This made Kakashi look up in alarm. "What do you mean by that?" he asked, voice as sharp as the tanto strapped on his back.
"I was just wondering. Don't worry nothing's going to happen. It's just good, old me bearing a child, after all," Kushina was quick to reassure, grinning widely. "Really I'm just curious."
Kakashi grimaced a little. "Your curiosity is truly morbid, Kushina-san."
"I'll take this as a compliment."
They lapsed into content silence.
"I think that afterwards my results would be in the yellow area," Kakashi finally replied, breaking the silence, his face or what little could be seen carefully blank.
"That's nice."
Receiving a confused look, she decided to elaborate, "It'd be like Ramen in a way, you see."
They shared a look and laughed, the sunset coloring their shapes in shades of red and yellow.
x
Months passed until he could wholly recall the events that had occurred on that October night in their entirety. Because what happened afterwards had taken control of his mind, twisting and breaking it.
x
He was thoroughly disgusted as he saw the results of his latest evaluations (it had taken a while, random shinobi's mental states were the last thing the village was currently worried about), finger clenching uncomfortably into the papers until his knuckles stood out and his skin turned white.
Green, but just barely. Even though so much had happened, despite the fact that so much had happened.
Kakashi-kun, I suggest that you-
Shut up!
It was annoying him greatly. The fact that no one bugged him anymore about his woes and sorrows. (And that idiotic doctor didn't count.)
Really annoying.
Wouldn't mind talking about Ramen, Kushina-san. I would also help you prank someone but not the Uchiha again. I think that they are already at their limit. Perhaps the Hyuuga?
They call me Friend-Killer Kakashi, Copy Ninja Kakashi. They aren't very long, wouldn't you agree, sensei?
Both caring Minato and determined Kushina remained silent.
(He wondered if that was a sign of true madness.)
And no Sandaime-sama, I don't want to see Naruto. If you excuse me, there's a mission which needs to be done.
(And graves which need to be visited.)
Somehow, he wasn't sure what he was living for.
x
A day after the night, Kakashi found himself standing before a multitude of drawers, each of them containing personal data on various citizens of Konoha. He was sure his was among them. But this wasn't what he had come for.
Minutes of methodical searching passed before he finally found the desired file. He quickly skimmed through it, until he was face to face with the latest results of the psych evaluation of one Uchiha Itachi (he had been ordered to undergo them as soon as he had joined the ANBU because a child in ANBU was just a bomb waiting to explode and hurt everyone nearby).
What he saw made him laugh hard.
Green.
Half an hour later, he left the building and slowly started his way to the Hokage tower to report the results of his latest mission. He was thinking about which excuse he could use this time (the last time he used the 'I've been lost on the road of life' one was three months ago, maybe he should take this one).
The Chunin, who manned the desk at the entrance of the Hokage Tower, sighed exasperatedly at Kakashi's sight, not even bothering to ask for today's cause of tardiness. He just gestured for him to pass but paused when he saw something flashing in Kakashi's eyes which propelled him to ask the following question,
"Do you feel okay, Kakashi-san?"
He gave him an eye smile in response. "I feel just fine."
(Really, he did. And no one questioned him.)
x
There was only silence.
x
I'm going to become the Hokage!
There's a certain man I must kill.
Giggling.
There wasn't much silence after he became the sensei of his first real team (Team Seven because that was life's sick idea of humor).
x
It spoke much about the strangeness of his life that he had managed to see the majority of his dead (and loved) ones again.
(Not like he was complaining.)
x
They were alive and ridiculously strong on top of that. He felt old.
x
They were happy, and so was he, sort of.
Being surrounded by living friends and reading porn all day wasn't all that bad.
And he was sure that if he were to undergo another psych evaluation (but he hadn't bothered for years), the results would be green and they would be true, truer than they had ever been in his entire life.
x
Sometime in the future, after a war to end all wars, someone decides that it would be a good idea for shinobi of the Leaf to stop undergo that process called 'psychological evaluation'. It doesn't help and most of the doctors are pretty incompetent in that particular area.
(Mostly, because they don't understand, despite their words.)
It doesn't matter anymore. Mental instability had become a rarity among the ranks of shinobi.
Who had come up with this dumb idea, anyway?
A/N: I hope you enjoyed it at least a little. Any feedback is greatly appreciated ^^
Have a nice day!