He breaks up with Kurt on a Tuesday.
It's been coming to this point for a long time; he could feel it in the distance between them and the ache that it leaves in his muscles. He does it more out of the fact that he knows Kurt was going to, that it was only a matter of time, and that he'd rather shatter himself than allow his boyfriend (now his ex) to slam him with a sledgehammer into a million pieces.
It still hurts anyways, the knowing in Kurt's eyes, the stillness. The fact that he doesn't even react in a way that's reassuring, that spurs hope. That maybe they could fix this thing only if they tried that much harder. Gave that much more effort.
But Kurt just nods and that understanding gaze just makes him angry.
He still holds onto that selfish thread of optimism; clings to it like a lifeline until Kurt disappears to New York. The thread is suddenly long enough to wrap around his neck and choke him. He thought he'd be okay, because he's the one who did the breaking; he thinks it won't take him long to work through the love of his life being gone. Having vanished, from Lima, from him.
After a while, it's like Kurt doesn't even remember he existed. His timeline and Instagram and Twitter feed are void of him, of friendliness, of everything that's ever made them…well, them.
An us.
He thinks after a month or two he'll be okay. That pain will fade with time.
Blaine's not wrong but the hurt is still there, just a little bit. Waiting like a rabid animal at the bottom of his sternum, nipping at his ribs. It rears its ugly head, teeth bare, at the most unexpected moments.
He waits for the day when it won't happen anymore. When he's okay and feels whole again.
000
He runs into Sebastian, someone who he hasn't thought of for a very long time, on another Tuesday.
It's been a while since they've seen or even spoken to one another. Sebastian texted sometimes but Blaine hadn't had the energy to reply to them because he knew exactly where it would lead.
And he can't…or well, he couldn't, allow himself to feel that way when he was in a relationship. When Kurt was his world. Because it's far too confusing (it's not really, but he prefers allowing himself to pretend it is) and complicated and he's tired of arguing over and back again about someone who's as simple as he is complex at the same time.
Blaine watches him from his table at the Lima Bean, eyes glancing over long hard lines as he orders his coffee and shamelessly flirts with the barista. His stomach flip flops in a way that's all too familiar and it takes him a moment to realize that he's missedhim. It's little things that he really shouldn't miss but he can't help but work them over in his head, one after the other as he watches Sebastian pay for his latte and lean against the counter.
Like how…they used to be able to talk about everything and anything.It wasn't just limited to Broadway shows or New York or Vogue or vague promises about their future. Not really. Or how he'd always wake up to a text from Sebastian, something to make him laugh usually but other times it'd be a flirtatious comment that made his cheeks burn. He's missed inklings about him, the shameless flirting, the heady scent of his cologne, that smirk that twitches at the ends of his mouth when he wants to say something snide but doesn't. Tiny touches against his hand or waist that somehow meant nothing but everything at the same time.
He never really took it all very seriously, Sebastian tended to flirt with anything that had a pulse point. But…he did like that Sebastian made him feel wanted, or talented or special.
He doesn't want it to sound like Kurt never made him feel those things because he did. But it was few and far between and sometimes disheartening. Even though he hates to admit it, their relationship wasn't balanced like it was supposed to be. As much as it appeared to be.
Blaine sits up straighter in his seat as Sebastian starts to walk with his coffee to a table, satchel over his shoulder. He must have come here to do homework; he remembers back when they used to talk that he tried to crank out most of his school work here.
His home life was rarely a topic for discussion but he got the feeling that it wasn't the most welcoming of places. Blaine has never visited his house before. He knows just by the conversations they used to have that Sebastian's house felt like something he could detach from himself. Like it was a place he lived but it wasn't by any means a home.
He feels guilt settle into his ribcage as Sebastian's eyes look up and spot him. Blaine does this sort of weak wave, he's not even sure he'll acknowledge him because he's wedged so much time and space between them.
He had wanted to be friends…but he figures it's hard for anyone to be 'just friends' with a boy like Sebastian. And Kurt hadn't trusted him so it was either distance himself from Sebastian or create an even bigger chasm between him and his boyfriend. He chose the former.
Blaine regrets that decision among many others.
Sebastian pauses for a fraction of a second before approaching him; like he's not sure he should but then does it anyways. He's missed that sort of bravado, even though he knows half of that is probably fabricated.
"I saw you staring at me from across the room." He smiles slowly and Blaine's stomach does a fizzled swoop.
He scolds his body for betraying him so easily and swallows down the sensation before giving him a soft smile. "I bet you say that to all the boys."
"Just the cute ones with wonderful asses who don't text me back."
Ouch. And there it is. "Okay I…I totally deserve…that one." He frowns, that familiar confusing washing over him as Sebastian does that thing where he seamlessly gives him a compliment and insults him at the same time. He looks at the table because suddenly the pattern of the wood is far more interesting than Sebastian's face.
"Don't sweat it, killer," Sebastian says, moving his satchel and coffee from the other table to join Blaine at his. "I figured Saint Hummel had a lot to do with that. It speaks to my blindingly handsome looks and sparkling personality if you had to stop talking to me because the boyfriend said so."
He grins in a way that shouldn't be appealing and yet it is, completely smug and almost charming, green eyes alight with amusement.
"I'm assuming we're safe if Kurt's in New York." He runs his thumb over the lid of his coffee cup.
Blaine sighs, patiently, leaning back in his seat. "Think we're safe anyways, Kurt probably doesn't even care what I'm up to. We broke up."
Sebastian doesn't say anything for a long moment but his demeanor changes almost instantly. You have to know him well enough to notice it, and Blaine thinks he does, his shoulders drop a little, his expression thoughtful as he looks at him, corners of his mouth dipping.
His voice is a lot softer than he expects when he speaks. "Well. I'd say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not."
Blaine laughs, can't help it because that issowhat he should have anticipated Sebastian saying. "I didn't think you would be."
"Who did the breaking?" Sebastian leans forward in his seat, elbows now on the table.
Blaine plays with his empty coffee cup in front of him, wanting a refill for a while now and just never getting up to get one. He gets lost for a moment in the clear green of Sebastian's eyes, counts the freckles on his cheekbones, slight pink brush strokes there. He swallows, his heart beating wildly against his ribcage. Right, of course. How could he forget this is textbook when it comes to Sebastian and how he makes him feel.
It hadn't been just Kurt's idea that it'd be a good idea for Blaine to stop talking to him; and this is exactly why.
"I did." Blaine says but his voice isn't as strong as he wants it to be answering that question. He wants it to sound like he's made a good decision, like he doesn't regret the choices he's made but it doesn't.
"We were just…going in two different directions. I could feel it when he looked at me. The distance…" He shakes his head, chancing a look up at Sebastian. He shrugs his one shoulder.
"I mean I get it. He has New York to think about and—"
"Don't make excuses for him." Sebastian waves his hand, a no-nonsense tone about him. "If you want to make it work, you do. It's as simple as that."
"It's not always that simple." Blaine tries to argue but he knows Sebastian is right, at least, it feels that way in his gut. If Kurt cared enough, if he loved him enough—they would have found a way to make it work. Right? Or at least given them a semblance of a chance?
"It's that simple for me." Sebastian says, giving him a soft smile.
Blaine smirks, can't help it. "Isn't everything?" There's a smile to his tone but it's also wounded in ways he can't pinpoint. Sebastian seems to sense it too because he just hums softly but says nothing for a few moments.
His eyes flicker down to Blaine's empty coffee cup and back up to hazel that's usually a warmer honey color.
"Do you want another coffee?" He asks, hand reaching across the table before Blaine can reply. His fingers graze the outside of his wrist, static electricity snaking up his spine at the simple touch.
His tone of voice asks a different question You did the breaking but who's the one that's broken?but all Blaine does is give him a small grateful smile before nodding his head, pushing his cup towards him.
"Yeah, please."
Sebastian smirks and takes the cup, moving towards the barista counter. He doesn't ask what kind of coffee he wants because he remembers—medium drip with a sprinkle of cinnamon. It doesn't mean anything that Blaine recalls exactly how the other takes his coffee too. It doesn't.
And if he doesn't feel the same grim way about Tuesdays anymore when he leaves the Lima Bean, well, he just blames that on the free coffee.
000
It's a slow and steady process but he and Sebastian start talking to one another again. It's hesitant and unhurried, like a crack in a dam. Drips at first, hints at crumbling, before water seeps through—continuous until everything snaps. Bursts open. Explodes.
Yeah. That's probably a really good way to describe his friendship with Sebastian.
It's a crisp and blue sky Saturday, and he's trying to decide if he wants to make omelets or pancakes when his phone buzzes.
Unknown Number 9:30 AM: So I've been thinking.
Blaine recognizes the number instantly and before Sebastian has a chance to add on to that text, he sends:
Blaine Anderson 9:32 AM: Wow, such a change of pace for you.
Sebastian Smythe 9:34 AM: Aren't you unbelievably sassy in the morning ;) cute.
Blaine doesn't blush over a stupid emoticon. Doesn't.
Sebastian Smythe 9:35 AM: As I was saying, I was thinking that your senior year should be spent at Dalton. We need a new Warblers Captain…and I honestly can't think of anyone better.
Blaine sets his phone down on his desk, staring at the text message until his screen goes black. If he's being honest, he's been thinking about the same thing. Not so much being Captain of the Warblers but going back to Dalton. He's trying to think of the last place where he felt like he belonged, where he felt accepted…special. And while McKinley has done so much for him, has transformed him into a completely different person for better or for worse…he thinks it's time to move on.
After all, he had only left Dalton as a grand gesture to be with Kurt. And Kurt was no longer a factor, heading off to New York to fall in love with another city, another dream, another boy. His friends would understand, wouldn't they? They'd want the best for him?
He licks his lips and taps his phone back on, typing out a short reply.
Blaine Anderson9:41 AM: You know I was actually considering that but I just…I don't know if I belong at Dalton anymore.
The reply is surprisingly fast, like Sebastian might have anticipated Blaine saying something like that.
Sebastian Smythe9:42 AM: You're kidding yourself if you don't think that you've always belonged here, Blaine.
Blaine stares at the text for a long time, his heart stuck somewhere between his ribs and his throat. He's felt that way for a while now, even before he and Kurt broke up. He's always felt like such an accessory at McKinley, only put on and used when needed. At Dalton he was a partof the school, of the Warblers; a leader, vital, wanted, important.
He doesn't know why it takes Sebastian telling him what he already knows to make it feel realbut it does. He refuses to dwell on that or the fluttering sensation that's still rolling in waves against the bottom of his sternum since Sebastian texted him.
Blaine Anderson10:10 AM: I can't believe you remembered my number.
He says instead, because that seems easier than anything else.
The reply is quick and simple.
Sebastian Smythe10:11 AM: I never forgot it.