It Has Been a Year, a lucifer fanfic

Notes:

I'm not claiming this to be a well-thought or well-written one-shot but it literally poured out of me. It's about emotion. It is about all that make us fall when you experience a loss but even worse when you have no idea where to go. This is not about death. It's about everything that confuses us as humans. As beings with the ability to love and grieve. Personally, I think this one-shot is lovely. Not perfect by any means but lovely. you have probably guessed by now, this foolishness of mine might delay the next chapter of Alis Grave Nil for a day or two. Ooops?

Now you have probably guessed by now that this foolishness of mine might delay the next chapter of Alis Grave Nil for a day or two. Ooops?

Standalone One-shot but connected to:

Alis Grave Nil

Guilty as Sin

Tis is the Season to be Folly (Lucifer Christmas Countdown A03 Challenge - Sanoiro entries)

It Has Been a Year

This morning was supposed to be like any other L.A. morning in late January. The sun was shining the temperature was still comfortable for the humans to be walking under the warm rays and the city was as full of life as it was a year ago. Birds chirped, trees grew taller and life just continued as though lives were not lost. As if death had never touched humanity.

"Did you love her?"

He had been sitting on her couch for quite some time now looking at the closed blinds. The light was passing through the leaves of the tree outside giving the shadows the illusion of motion. Shadows were not to be taken lightly in his world.

"Deeply." If the Devil was supposed to croak he was not sure. All he knew was that today the bile had not been washed down by his morning glass of hard liquor.

"You seem… surprised by this answer Doctor. They say the Devil cannot love but he did once. He was created out of love. The stars you gaze every night were created by that deep, gut-wrenching emotion as well."

The bile rose like it had done every time he took a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror behind his whiskey bottle collection. But never enough to choke him, fate was never that kind with him.

"But he was never worth of being loved."

Her voice was clear, void of all emotion and she was sitting there like always. This day had not changed much for her either. Did she even remember? Crossed legs with her hair in a tight bun while her glasses were falling down her nose to peer at him better.

"No, at least not after the Fall." Emotions were not supposed to concern the Devil. As far as humanity knew emotions were only a bargaining chip in his hands. An object for manipulation and degradation of the human soul.

"And that is a story for another time Doctor."

This day was not about him. It was about why he had glared at the previous patient and handed him a very large bill before sending him his merry way. If only Lucifer's emotional state could be altered by the greed of a shopping spree.

"So it's been a year." Never underestimate the Doctor. He was pleasantly surprised when he shouldn't be. Still, a tender smile made his dear Doctor reflect it with the same amount of bittersweetness.

"To the dot." The affirmation led to both of them taking a big inhale of her office's the warm air.

"I knew her as a patient but what was she like to you?"

What had she been to him? That girl at the beach who had seen him stained in his own blood. That girl who had sung her awkwardness over a glass of scotch that very fateful night which was also the beginning of his vacation. The first human who had never seen clouded-eye over the prospect of satisfying her greed.

"Young, innocent, pure to an extent."

That was all before she made it big. Even before she was lost in his sheets and to the many others who followed for all the wrong reasons. Linda gave him a questioning look and he found a great interest on scratching lightly his rough 5 o'clock shadow.

"She did fornicate with the Devil after all Doctor." His reasoning was simple but that didn't satisfy the good Doctor. He could see her eyes sleet and her shoulders stiffen. As quickly her defensive stance had settled, it was also gone.

"So have I may I remind you. Am I not pure?" Being a doctor had taught her putting her priorities straight. This was not about her it was about his reasoning.

"I feel that although I bring people pleasure or at least I did before we went to this no sex clause. I also spoil something in them." He had done that before after all. Lucifer and the Devil went hand in hand. He could not drop the one without the other. The Devil was evil. The bloody word was embodied in his very own job description.

"You contaminate them?" The light scribbling of her pen distracted him for a while and looked at the blinds once more. He had to force himself to take a step back and remember that being vulnerable in this room was safe.

"Wise choice of words there Linda. But is it not true? I have cared for very few and Delilah was there one October morning waiting in the penthouse. That day she looked so small and fragile. I wanted to protect her."

There was no clear reasoning for that day. He had believed he had acquired what made him feel whole only to reach his penthouse feeling hollower than before despite having ordered over 200 stones of pumpkins that day.

"And so you became her protector." Her own guardian devil? No.

He had never felt the impulse to guard someone until the Detective and the spawn had come along. He could understand the impulse for the Detective as a lustful lingering entwined with a deeper emotional connection. As for the spawn, her mother's obsession with her had been rubbing on him he supposed.

"To an extent, I cared... back then."

Knowing fully well he could not feel the non-existent cold he crossed his hands and rubbed his forearms.

"Delilah used to say that from lovers you became her father figure." The silence was deafening.

The red hue which appeared in Lucifer's eyes was treated with the same composure Linda had when he had put his fist through her wall a few months ago. The initial surprise was there, the pen might have been at its breaking point and the paper on her lap was now wrinkled but she was proud that she had not been affected further. Lucifer was not reacting well on being feared by the people who cared about.

"A father that fucked her and then met her to her prospect murderer. This family does not do parenthood easy, does it? A divine family of fucked ups."

His growl was intended to frighten her. He wanted this session over and instinct had overthrown all logic which went with not breaking his therapist. At her disregard over his lost temper, he frowned and cocked his head admiring how far and the Devil had gone.

"You were the authority figure in her life and the only one with who she could identify herself from and attach to." With a calm voice, she gave him a plausible reasoning which was again finding him against the whole notion of what Delilah had seen in him.

"I despise authority Doctor and she had many other men attached to her in very illustrious ways." His sarcasm was falling on empty ears, She had seen his bluff but that did not prevent him from using the same tactic for the next reveal.

"Going against every principle of Doctor-patient confidentiality, I'll speak to you as her guardian. After all, in most sessions, we had she viewed you as such."

"I always said that humanity lacked common sense." He scoffed and took some of the pineapple jellies from the bowl on the table.

"In one of our sessions, she referred to the moment where your relationship changed. A few weeks before launching her first album you offered her something." If this was a question Lucifer would have been outside this office in the next two minutes.

"I remember doctor the question is do you know that it was?" But it was not a salvaging question and so he had to stay. He picked some of the cherry jellies while growing a silly childish fascination over the couch's arm.

"It was something trivial but after listening to it, it's so much more. She told me you came back a different man that day."

"I gave her two verses and a melody. You don't go into a deep analysis after every lyricist out there Doctor. We live in L.A.!"

His nail scratched the threads of the couch's fabric under his fingers. If he had looked up he would have seen Linda's eyes narrowing in suspicion and how they were being prepared to dig deeper.

"Lucifer. You gave her two very disturbing verses which we will not discuss today but the last verse was written by her. It was how she viewed you. How she understood that you were a kind person worthy for her to be a reliable father figure."

"She was never exceptionally bright." It was a lame excuse. Not a lie but not the whole truth either. Delilah was never too observant on the small details he had learned to hide so well even from Maze.

With a hard look, Linda made him fidget on his seat and change his top crossed right leg for the left.

"Why did you give her the lyrics that day? What made you grant her wish after months of her begging? You to actively contributed to her first album and accompanied her to a song you wrote. Why?" She pressured him with a masterful technic that had him stirring on his seat again. How had he only now seen how dangerously skilled she was for a therapist?

"I-..." His eyes attempted to challenge her on a silent reply but she was not having any of it. She wanted answers. He would not lie but certain details could be left out.

First, you begin with the absolute truth.

"She had asked me to find the perfect decor for her CD launching. That day I went to get what she wanted."

Second, you change certain details without distorting the reality of your sayings and you have what any human would believe was the whole story.

"The day was of no consequence aside from getting my Corvette that very day. It was found in a barn, paid for it and drove it back to Lux while writing the lyrics."

"There is more." She deadpanned and clicked impatiently her pen.

"Excuse me?" His reply was so inaudible that betrayed all that he had to hide.

"What else happened that day Lucifer?" Her voice was now gentle, understanding almost. There was no threat in this room and as long as he was aware of that he was safe. Their session was safe.

"Okay, a child found the Corvette. But that is all." A small nuisance with wet feet as far as he could remember. But the Devil never forgot.

"How long did you spent with that child?"

"Less than half an hour" A good half of that hour had been spent trying to tie the tyke's boots. So his estimation was at least half an hour.

"And how do you feel about children?" The shudder that shook his shoulders was obvious to Linda. This was not the reaction she had expected.

"I think they are the most bothersome and terrifying creatures crawling this planet." His voice was low and final. He had no desire to have to tell her what exactly had happened that had resulted in him cringing every time a child was around.

"Interesting choice of words again today."

"I'm not discussing children today doctor." Again his tone was final but the hardness which could be heard through clenched teeth was what she realised could be a deal breaker for his much-needed breakthrough today.

"No, our hour is almost up and I have a feeling that such a topic would take a double session." She had just promised him not today, that was not guaranteed that the subject would remain untouched forever, though.

"So I'm free to go?" His hopeful tone was not uncommon for the nature of Lucifer Morningstar. He was a wild animal who had been poked one time too many today. However, he had to realise something before all this was over, meaning in the next ten minutes of their session.

"Almost. That day whatever happened with that child caused a transference of certain feelings to Delilah."

"Loathing and disgust?" He guessed bewildered.

"You unconsciously redirected an emotional impression to Delilah, I cannot answer you why but Delilah was the one to who you trusted enough for this transference."

She had understood the transference but the reason on why it had happened was not clear to her. The impact of a small child should not have had this kind effect on him and yet it had turned his relationship with Delilah from its very core.

"So I was acting as a father? That is still an absurd notion Linda!" His distaste for anything paternal was nothing new but a rephrase was probably the best tactic in this point to get him where he had to find himself today.

"You became her friend and mentor but you mourned her as her father. You said it yourself you loved her deeply but there was no romance there."

She very well knew that there was nothing deeper than an odd sibling relationship between the two at best. Yet why Lucifer had invested that deeply whilst still being his narcissistic and arrogant self she was still unsure on how to decode that.

"There are moments where I still feel the grief of her loss entangled with the grief and the guilt over my brother's death. They cannot be compared but they run equally deep Doctor." His broken admission and downcast stare were what retracted her from pushing their session on a deeper level where she knew he would snap and all would be for naught.

With a nod, she saw his features relax he stood quickly to close his suit's jacket in a gesture of protecting himself from her. She had scrubbed him raw emotionally and they could both feel it.

"Delilah's murder was not your fault Lucifer." She caught him mid-step from leaving her office, his hand still on the door's handle. His shoulders never tensed and his right hand remained resting limply on the handle with no intention of tightening over it.

He turned just enough to give her a small sad smile before closing the door behind him just enough for her to see his retracting form walking down the hall.

Lux was completely empty unlike how she thought she would find it at this hour. In the dim light, he was where she was expecting him to be. Sitting on his piano's bench yet all surrounded by white rose blooms. There were no keys playing and why would there be when in the background Delilah's voice could be heard from the speakers above her. As she had expected from him when sitting on over his piano, there was a trail of smoke climbing seductively on the ceiling like it was aware, about the nature of the man who was exhaling it.

"Detective, I never thought you would come." His raspy voice from extensive smoking was an addition to the unexpected surprises of the night. The charming smoothness of his rolling tones at each word was lost. Only his heavy British accent prevailed to any alteration from each drawn drag of smoke.

"Was I invited?" It shouldn't have bothered her that he had not mentioned an event tonight.

Their newfound closeness had weathered in the past month to be replaced by a constant anguish from his part whenever he saw her. Since the last case he had been more unbalanced she had ever seen him be. If what had almost eaten him alive had returned, then it was doing an excellent job at taking down the man piece by piece.

"It's the first time I understand Tim Dunlear's lover. It only took me a few months to figure it out."

The jittering on the uprising smoke told her that he had put out his cigarette and surely enough the sound of a glass was heard hitting the ebony polished wood of the piano. Rinsing the golden liquid in his mouth followed by the audible sound of his throat forcing it down was her cue to move closer.

"Parties do not ease the pain of the ones who are left behind. But we already knew that, right Detective?"

He turned to meet her eyes and if she thought a week ago had been a wreck, today his sunken eyes screamed of wretchedness and loss. Not bearing anymore to keep his eyes open, they fluttered close but he never turned his back to her. He never searched for his glass he seemed content to wither before her with no expectations of ever being caught and be grounded again through his free fall.

She approached him with her leather boots announcing each step that she took closer to him. Standing inches from him, intuitively he lowered his head to rest on her stomach. This was not her light-hearted partner. There was no joke to be told, no sexual innuendo. Just a broken man seeking comfort without pursuing her touch despite literally begging for it.

Keeping his eyes closed he took a breath that made her shirt rise and warmth to be spread just above her belt. On the top of the piano was a half empty bottle of bourbon along with his usual heavy crystal ashtray. There between the glass and the ashtray, there was the very same CD she kept tucked in her glove compartment. The same CD which was playing in the background. Delilah's first album.

"It is expected by me." He distanced himself just enough to rise and take her gently in his arms rocking her slowly to the rhythm of the familiar ballad playing low by the speakers over them.

"So I'll smile. Bear the flashes of several badly taken photographs and then I'll retire for the night."

They both knew she would leave before any of that happened. It was a war plan which was not meant to be won. By the end of the night, he would be licking his wounds alone having taken cared of Delilah's expected remembrance function. All that exactly one year after her demise. After their first meeting in this very spot.

"But before I do all these things, dance with me Detective."

Holding her closer, his rocking turned into swaying which she easily followed. She had swayed in this melody countless of times before and all appeared to lead in preparation for this brief moment. It was the anniversary of a death. An anniversary of a meeting.

"Then... Then you will go home, kiss your offspring good night and tomorrow will come quicker than you expect it to be."

Tomorrow will be once again doubtful but she had faith that her partner and perhaps her Lucifer would return. Yet for tonight she could lose herself in the arms if a man for less than the three minutes the song lasted and believe that tomorrow would be different.

Tomorrow would be once again doubtful in meaning for them but she had faith that her partner and perhaps even her Lucifer would return. Yet for tonight she could lose herself in the arms of a man for less than the three minutes. That was how long the song lasted and perhaps she would believe that tomorrow would be different.

"She will be expecting you there again tonight."

Lucifer as an imposing guest for the holidays had been interesting, to say the least. She felt his shoulders rise in a shrug by her cheek that had been flushed on his chest. Relaxing in his embrace she surrendered to be moved with the rhythm of his body.

"I believe that she would have been glad. I'm with a person I care, I'm also dancing while a meaningful song plays in the background." His admission spoke volumes on where they were heading but she knew that once again it held no promises.

"Mmm." That had been her intelligible answer only refusing to think about anything else over this precious but fleeting moment.

"Detective?" The hesitation in his voice twisted her gut drawing her to reality as the song was slowly reaching its final verse.

"When you get home, give Beatrice one from me as well."

"A what?"

She was not listening to him clearly anymore his words having being whispered within her hair. Resting his head on her shoulder with an awkward angling of his body, he hunched over her shoulder and his mouth breathed several inaudible words again. She felt his chest expand while taking a ragged breath to finally let out an audible answer.

"A kiss."

His grip tightened and his hands lowered from her upper back down to her middle. She would never know if the next movements of his lips on her shoulders were more stifled short words or a softly placed kiss. Both held the same meaning for her. For a man who knew so much of the world around him, he knew so very few for himself.

It was then the self-proclaimed Devil soundlessly let his tears fall on her thin white blouse and stain this memory on her burning skin. His outstretched arms around her flexed while clenching her waist. There were no sob or soul-wrenching vocalisation to affirm what she already knew.

He was a man who could love. A man who could love more than he thought he was capable of. Most importantly, though, he was a man who was oblivious on how much he was loved.

"You Are the Moon"

(Song's 3rd verse)

I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every moment that you rise

The End