Am I Not Your Girl
Notes: This takes place before the Degrassi summer movie so no real spoilers.
If I had it my way, my first boyfriend wouldn't have been gay and we would actually have had a real relationship. I knew that Marco and I could never be together after he came out to me. I was only fourteen, but even then I knew better than I did when I was a sophomore in college. I didn't depend on Marco as much as I did a few years after we became friends. He was always there when my relationships with men crashed and burned, which was exactly why I needed him. Now Marco and I are closer than ever, knowing now that we could not depend on each other, but only love and support each other as true friends. I know now where I stand with him, but my relationships with the other men in my life are of course a lot more complicated.
Sean was my first love and always would be. We were so much alike; our dysfunctional lives actually brought us together instead of pulling us apart. He loved me as a friend, as a woman, as I was; he's the only man I know who truly loved me. However everything changed after the shooting, he was a different boy than the one I had fallen in love with and I couldn't deny that. When he came back from Wasaga Beach, I knew it wasn't for me. Somehow I always knew that the men I had loved always wanted more than me, I wouldn't be enough for Sean, I wasn't Emma, his "soul mate."
Jesse was my boyfriend, my first so-called adult relationship, but we were lovers only in bed, nowhere else. I suppose it was because work always got in the way, where I often felt as though he had no respect for me, and had I been a different person, we would've just been fuck buddies or something like that. Again, he wanted more than I could give, which was why he cheated. He also never admitted this, but I knew he was jealous of Craig, because he had a part of me he could never touch.
Craig was and still is, the love of my life. On paper, he's wrong for me. He's unstable, has played with other girls, and isn't what I need. That's not why I stay away from him though. I can't be near him, because I know he didn't play with me, I know somewhere inside his fragile heart, he loves me, which hurts me so much more than what Sean or Jesse did. I can't be his girl though, I've never really been anybody's girl because I didn't need to, but I can always make an exception for Craig Manning.