A/N: This is a prequel OS to the other OS I'd written - The Bundle of Blanket - and is set immediately after the reading. In the sequel OS, Nick has realised his feelings already and finds Jess (under unexpected circumstances) and this OS is a fleshed out version of that. It was too sudden for me in the show.
Nick felt his face melt into a frown as he saw someone from the crowd walk out. The brown curls… The red jacket… the gait…. It couldn't be…
Jess?
…
He stared at his phone after he hung up, Jess' voice ringing in his ears as she said that she was still in Portland. Had he imagined the quiver in her voice? The quiver she had when she was controlling tears?
…
Biting down the uneasy feeling he was starting to have, he stood behind the podium again after a while, having been reintroduced for the benefit of those who walked in late. The owner of the bookstore had told him that some of these people were already familiar with his work, having gotten a copy at SOCALYALCON. He strained his eyes to see if he could recognise anybody, but wasn't surprised when he couldn't. He couldn't remember much past the worry and concern at Jess's sudden disappearance and hasty departure to Portland.
His audience filed in again, plates of cookies in hands and cups of hot chocolate.
(Hot chocolate? In summer? Really? No wonder y'all're shutting down.)
Clearing his throat, he laughed nervously. "Sooo… more question-time… More questions from you guys… Haha, yay!" he said trailing away, as he felt his nerves catch up again.
You literally just did this! Calm down!
But he also couldn't forget the traces of disappointment and disbelief etched on the audience's face when he told them Jessica Night and Julius Pepperwood wouldn't happen.
Fundamentally different.
He loosened his collar slightly, nervously shuffling his feet in anticipation of more questions and as he watched, he had to do everything in his power not to groan as a bunch more hands rose up. Looking around, he pointed at a girl in pigtails and overalls. She stood up cautiously, looking around with hesitation before asking, "Why is it a problem that they're fundamentally different people? Aren't opposites are supposed to attract?"
Nick rubbed the back of his neck. "Er, well, they were too different, kid," he finished lamely.
"But it's so obvious that they love each other! Why does anything else matter?" she asked indignantly.
"They both wanted different things in life. Love was the only thing they had in common," he said, slightly rueful, as his discomfort only increased at every second.
If Jess was here, she'd be able to handle this so well.
He thought suddenly, and immediately wondering where that'd come from. Gulping, he wondered if that was indeed her he'd seen walk out. She did seem upset. But there was the question of why his words would even make her upset… It's not like what he'd said-
His thoughts were interrupted by the bookstore owner coughing at him, as he realised that a bunch of other people had their hands up, waiting for him to pick someone while he was off in Jessland.
Jessland?! What the hell?
Shaking his head, he cleared his throat and said hoarsely, "Okay, next!" and landed on girl with frizzy hair and braces stood up this time, whose hands were stretching to the highest point they could. He found her enthusiasm slightly amusing. He looked at her and beckoned her to ask away.
"So throughout, they're just going to be around each other, with hidden feelings?" She sounded a little incredulous.
"Well, you'll have to read the book for that, won't you?" he said, smiling tightly.
Grimacing, the girl sat down. And this time, a tiny boy with glasses stood up. "Then why is Jessica Night even required? She's doing almost everything a girlfriend does anyway. Why not just make her his girlfriend? I mean, if Pepperwood won't do anything about it, what's the point of her character in the book?"
A murmur of agreement seemed to pass through everyone in the room, as he felt everyone's unflinching gaze on him. He loosened his tie even further.
"Well, just because Pepperwood doesn't do anything about it, doesn't mean he doesn't love her. He needs her in his life… Without her, everything would be too dark…Sometimes, you have to let love go because it might hurt so much that you might lose the person altogether," he said, before slowing down a little bit and swallowing. "She's the reason he gets out of bed everyday."
As the boy gave him a satisfied nod and sat down, an unwelcome thought slowly settled in his brain.
She's doing almost everything a girlfriend does anyway.
"…All this girlfriend stuff… It's not fair, Nick!"
He fought the urge to remove his tie and get rid of the suffocating sensation he was starting to feel, watching warily as another girl, one of the older ones, stood up. "I'm guessing they won't be alone forever though, right? That they'll try to move on? What happens then? It wouldn't make sense for them to love each other and be alone forever if they don't try to move on."
Why not! he thought indignantly.
"Of course, they'll try. Jess would want a family… I mean, Jessica Night. Jessica Night is the sort of person who would want a family…"
Ryan… Sam… Robby…
"…and Pepperwood will try to find someone more like him…"
Kai… Reagan…
Yeah, look how well that worked out.
"Will they succeed then?" she persisted.
"I- I don't… probably, not," he admitted at last, as a collective sigh of relief went through the audience. "At least… At least Pepperwood won't," he muttered.
Pepperwood won't move on.
"Oh! So he'll watch as Jessica Night moves on with another man?" asked another girl, mildly incredulously.
A certain disturbed frenzy took over the room, with whisperings of things he didn't quite understand.
"My ship has sunk before it even sailed!" an anguished whisper.
What does that even mean!
"I'll be damned if I don't write fan fiction my own way," a determined statement.
What?
"I haven't decided on that yet," he said at last, and looked at the owner, imploring to end this reading and the questions that come with it, which he started to feel like were personal attacks.
…
Nick tried to call her again after the reading, but she didn't answer. Figuring she was busy and that she'll call him back later, Nick started to drive towards the loft first, but changed his mind and drove to the park. He walked towards his bench, where Tran was already seated. He looked at Tran and gave him a small smile.
"Been a while," he said.
Tran merely smiled at him warmly.
"Yeah, I've been busy. My book seems to be a success. I even got an offer from a publisher," he stated and nodded again at the silent Tran.
"Thanks, man… Well, it's about this detective Julius Pepperwood and his gal friday, Jessica Night… What?…. Alright, fine. I'm Pepperwood and Jessica Night is… well, Jess."
They sat in silence before Tran patted Nick's knee.
"Reagan? Oh, she's gone. Long gone. I broke up with her. I broke up with her, can you believe it?"
Tran's eyes widened slightly.
"Yeah, me neither…"
Nick patted Tran's shoulder once. "I'm actually doing quite good, pal. Thanks for asking…"
When Tran turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised, Nick shrugged. "It's true. I'm happy, kind of."
Nick frowned and continued.
"I think I saw Jess today at the reading, Tran. I'm not sure… Oh, I didn't tell you? Reagan, Jess and I had gone to SOCALYALCON and- OW!" yelled Nick, rubbing the back of his neck, looking at Tran in surprise. "What was that for!"
Tran narrowed his eyes at him, shaking his head.
"You're right. That was pretty stupid of me, huh? Forcing my ex-girlfriend to accompany my ex and I on a mini-holiday," he admitted, still rubbing his neck. "Damn, you still have it, man. Good for you."
"Anyway, she took off to Portland pretty suddenly while we were there. But I could've sworn I had seen her… Of course, Tran. I called her, but she seemed upset, but I can't tell. I'm terrible with the whole phone thing. If she was in front of me though, I can see right through her…" he said, almost as if trying to convince himself.
But can I? When was the last time I'd spoken to her? Actually, spoken to her?
A few moments of thought lead him straight to the night when he had yelled at her and demanded an explanation for her squirrelly behaviour. His frown deepened at that; he never really did follow up on that conversation. Or had he? Why couldn't he remember?
Oh, right. Reagan.
He grunted, and looked up at Tran, who was watching him patiently. "Sorry buddy, I was momentarily distracted."
Tran nodded, and the two of them continued their chatter.
…
Nick walked out of the park, hands in his pocket, trudging slowly towards his car. He had decided to drop by at the Jaipur Aviv, having made up his mind to talk to both Schmidt and Cece, to ask them if the unease that had settled in him since this morning was unfounded or if he'd been right. He needed to know how Jess was doing; she'd sounded all wrong on the phone.
His mind played his conversation with Tran on repeat. Talking to Tran made him see how unnaturally calm he was about his break up with Reagan. Nick Miller didn't do calm breakups.
Right now, all he wanted was for Jess to call him back.
Why hasn't she called me back!?
As he anguished over this, he opened the door of his car and sat down, exhaling deeply. Then as he plugged in his key in the ignition, his eyes fell on the spare copy of Pepperwood Chronicles he'd kept in his car. The first copy that Jess had set with a thud on the table before the reading.
He smiled a little at the memory… them laughing till their stomachs hurt while they were high on glue… her walking away from that little house he had hidden himself in when he'd gotten nervous… he'd seen her and Reagan talking, and Reagan coming upto him immediately after with words of comfort wasn't exactly a coincidence… agreeing to sneaking into Schmidt's house for the suit when Reagan dismissed it as just being silly and to make do with what he already had…
As he started to drive, he thought about how she was always there for him, despite everything that had happened. Despite the things he'd said, despite their fights. Suddenly, he felt the urge to see her. It had been a couple of weeks, and they hadn't spoken much. And that felt so unnatural. Even the brief exchange they'd had this morning felt so hollow.
The more he thought about it, the more he felt that something wasn't right with her. The longer his thoughts lingered over that conversation, the more he sure he got that she'd been upset. Her voice sounded tired, defeated. He fleetingly wondered if it had been like that for a while now, frowning, trying hard to recollect when he'd last heard her laugh (laughter while they were high on glue didn't count). Not the occasional chuckles or the giggles.
The Jess Laugh.
That laughter made her eyes lighter, head thrown back in reckless abandon as she struggled to contain her happy tears. She used to laugh like that quite often, and it had always set of little explosives in his stomach, even after they had broken up. He hadn't felt that way in a long time, and the simplest explanation for that was that she had not been laughing as much anymore.
He'd pulled up at the Jaipur Aviv now, and saw a dim light in the living room. He also detected movement, which meant that they were awake. He was slightly relieved; he didn't want to wake them up just because his thoughts were spinning out of control.
He got out of the car, and started to walk towards their door, wondering what he would tell them. Maybe the simple truth - he thought he'd seen her, but when he called her, she'd denied it. And that he wasn't able to shake off the thought that something was wrong. Not just today, and that he'd noticed that something's been off for a while. A little too late, probably, but he had noticed. She wasn't herself anymore; only a ghost of the woman who'd walked into the loft six years ago.
Yes, that made sense. Right?
Schmidt is never going to let it go if I tell him that her not laughing much is worrying me.
He grimaced, being able to picture his friend being a douche about till the day died. But the closer he got, the more nervous he felt. What if all of this was in his head?
Am I overthinking this? Probably. It's what I do. Maybe she does laugh, but it doesn't affect me that way anymore, because I don't feel that way anymore.
Nick guffawed, slightly incredulous, shaking his head. She was a ray of sunshine that would never cease to warm him up, no matter how frozen he got. He would always feel those damn explosives when she was that happy. And that's why, he would know when she wasn't.
What would I do without her…
Her belief in him meant everything.
"I'm tired of you being the only person who doesn't see how incredible you are!"
She inspired him in so many ways. His book wouldn't have seen the light of day without her. Julius Pepperwood wouldn't have existed without her. He needed her as much as Pepperwood needed Night.
He needed her as much as Pepperwood needed Night.
He needed her.
"She's the reason he gets out of bed everyday."
"…Just because Pepperwood doesn't do anything about it, doesn't mean he doesn't love her…"
He loved her.
He loved her.
And he would always feel those damn explosives when she was that happy. That's why, he would know when she wasn't.