Title: Initiated
Author: Singing Violin
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: K
Summary: A missing scene from the end of "Initiations." Takes place between when Chakotay is rescued from the moon and when he's praying to his father in his quarters.
Disclaimer: They're not mine.
"I'm sorry for worrying you," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes as he stood at attention in her ready room.
"Oh, I wasn't worried," she retorted cheerfully, causing him to look up in surprise. "The Kazon have never been much of a threat, and I trusted you to take care of yourself."
He gulped. "I almost made you revive me."
She shrugged. "Your strategy would have worked, either way. Don't get me wrong, Commander; I'm glad it didn't come to that. But what I'd like to know," she reached out and placed a hand upon his chest, "is if you are okay...spiritually, if you will."
He sighed. "I thought I was doing the right thing when I saved his life, every time. But as I got to know him, it became increasingly clear to me that I was imposing my values upon him. That perhaps, if I'd known what was at stake, known how his culture treated the situation, I might have made a different choice...for his sake. As it is, I left him a difficult path. I realize that now. But surely it's better than no path at all."
Janeway nodded. "I agree with you, Chakotay. I think you did the right thing. And sometimes it's okay for us to 'impose our values' upon someone else. It's not wrong to free someone else's slave, or save a child from abuse, even if it's considered acceptable in their culture. I think I would have done the same thing, for what it's worth."
He gave her a warm smile then. "I never would have let you go off alone in a shuttle. I'd be derelict in my duties as first officer if I put you in danger like that." He paused as she peered at him contemplatively. "Why did you let me go?"
She raised an eyebrow. "You asked. However, given what happened this time, I might reconsider next time."
"No need, Captain. I won't ask again. I think, under the circumstances, I can perform the ritual aboard the ship."
"That's good to hear," she confirmed. "But there's something else troubling you."
He shot her an alarmed look, wondering how much to admit.
She sat down behind her desk before she spoke again, her voice soft and beckoning. "Tell me about it." Then she motioned towards the chair on the other side.
Obediently, he sat, pursing his lips in contemplation of what to say. "I lied to him. Or, at least, I thought I did."
With her eyes, she implored him to continue.
"He was so concerned with getting his name, doing the deed that would earn it. I compared my uniform to his name, told him I was proud to represent the Federation, and that I'd gone to great lengths to earn my commission."
"Which isn't precisely untrue. At least wouldn't have been, years ago. But you were Maquis when you came to this quadrant," she pointed out perceptively. "At least at one point, you discarded the Starfleet ideals along with the uniform. You chose another path."
"Exactly. But it was irrelevant to the discussion; I didn't want to get into it with the Kazon boy. I...simplified things."
"But?" she prompted curiously, knowing this wasn't the end of the story.
"But as I told him how I felt, I realized...I wasn't lying after all. I still...or perhaps again...am proud to wear the uniform, and I do believe in the basic principles we strive to uphold. I feel a little like the wayward son who's finally returned to the fold. And I'm a bit uncomfortable about it, because I'm not sure when my feelings changed, and I'm not sure whether to be disappointed in myself now, or disappointed in who I was when I left to join the Maquis."
She rose, then, and returned to his side of the desk, then took his hand in her own, squeezing it gently. "I don't know you well, Chakotay, but I do know this. You're a good man. And if your feelings have changed over the last year, it's not a reflection on who you were then or who you are now, but rather a product of circumstance. You're the same person you've always been, at least as long as I've known you, and I suspect longer. I'm glad you're okay with being aboard a Federation vessel, but more than that, I'm glad to have you, the person, aboard my vessel, and for that matter, at my right hand. You're one of the most conscientious, thoughtful people I've ever met. I know you were concerned at first about being my 'token Maquis' officer, but honestly, I can't think of anyone aboard that would make a better first officer than you, regardless of Maquis status."
He nodded. "Thank you, Captain. That means a lot."
She dropped his hand and replaced her own on his shoulder. "Take some time off," she told him. "I don't expect you back on the bridge for at least twenty-four hours, and you can have longer if you need it."
He smiled at her and nodded as he rose from his chair.
She noticed his slight hesitation as he turned to leave, though, and queried, "Was there something else?"
He turned back to her. "Nothing important. It's just that the kid reminded me terribly of this Ferengi boy I met on DS9."
She chuckled. "Weird."
He grinned. "Weird is part of the job."