For starters, I do not own Castle or any of the characters from Castle. I'm just writing for fun, clean and simple
Alright. Yet another Castle/Beckett one-shot. What happens when Castle and Beckett find out each other's secrets?
I never write in the present tense. Like, ever. So…
**REALLY IMPORTANT NOTE** This is not how I want this to go down. AT ALL. But this stupid little idea decided to lodge itself in my head and not go away until I wrote it so here it is. Also. This is the first time I've ever written anything in present tense. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I realize that' they're pretty damn OOC (especially Beckett) but literally the only way to stop this one shot from driving me mad was to write it out. Ugh. I hate ideas like this! Ahem. Tell me what yall think please? Am I just being overly critical?
Anyway, hope you like it.
Thanks :)
M
PS Should the rating on this change? I'm not sure…
XXX
Has it really only been 10 days? 10 days between our fight and this long night after another brutal case? This night where I'm forced to think about what I've done or we've done? 10 days since everything had been exposed and made raw? Only ten days since I've seen him? Because it feels like an eternity. My chest aches and I swipe the glass tumbler from the coffee table, tossing back my third (or is it the fourth?) shot of the night. The whiskey is like fire as it rolls down my throat but I barely feel it.
XXX
"What the hell have you been thinking Castle?" My voice rose to an unintentional shout and I was barely able to tear my eyes away from Castle's smart board to stare at him. His hair was disheveled from running his fingers through it I didn't know how many times and as I watched he did it again.
"I've been thinking that I can't watch you die in my arms again, Kate! I was thinking that if I figured this out, you wouldn't be teetering on the edge of something you barely managed to crawl out of before!"
"But I managed!"
"Yeah, you're managing really well, Kate." The sour bite of his sarcasm filled the office and I bit the inside of my cheek. hard. Hard enough that I actually tasted blood.
"I was doing just fine until you came along and stuck your nose where I told you specifically not to. You jumped into the balance I'd created and threw the scale completely! And then, just when I'd made the necessary adjustments the case you looked into blew up in my face and Montgomery is dead and I'm shot and you're saying you love me and everything hurts all the damn time!" What the hell was I saying? He had saved me more times than we'd counted after the bank incident and I was insinuating that Montgomery's death was his fault which was something I certainly didn't believe that.
That shut him up in a hurry and I quickly fell off the head of steam I'd built up, trying to figure out how to reverse the damage I'd just dished out.
"Castle-"
"You knew." The two words walloped into my stomach as I realized my abysmal mistake.
"I..."
"Don't screw with me, Kate. Cards on the table, damn it! Just be honest. Please."
Shit. I turned away from him, yanking a hand through my hair. What was I supposed to say? How did I qualify myself?
"Yes. I knew. But you have to understand-"
There were flames in his eyes, "Understand what? That you lied for eight months?"
"Oh, please, that's a little hypocritical," I yelled back, "You've been doing the exact same thing."
"They were going to kill you, Kate! I think I'm well within my rights not to tell you to keep you alive. You just lied because you're scared."
"I lied to protect you! If I told you I knew then I'd have to tell you I love you too and I'm not ready for that and I'd just end up hurting you in the process. Which was exactly what I was trying not to do."
"Who said you'd have to say it back, Kate?"
"It… Castle, that's completely beside the-"
"No, Kate that's exactly the point! I didn't tell you it to scare you or make you say it back or get you in bed. I said it because I didn't want to lose you without you knowing how I felt. I wanted you to know you weren't alone. You had to know how I felt," His voice had turned from blazing anger to painfully sincere and tired, "I didn't expect anything but acknowledgement. No reciprocation. And when you said some things are better not being remembered. So Kate, saying it was one thing I wasn't expecting, but I wasn't expecting to be completely written off either."
"I was not writing you off, Castle. I was trying not to hurt you and trying to get a grip on things because the world was turned upside down. And it's starting to tip again. Why didn't you tell me? You made me stop, just so you could keep going with it?"
"I kept going because you couldn't be trusted with this case again. You were just going to throw yourself down that hole again."
"And who're you to say what I'll do with my life? It's my life!"
Our yelling continued for another hour and I was extremely glad that Alexis had a study group and Martha was away, working at her school. Finally we collapsed into a ringing silence, winded from the screaming and arguing. Our throats were raw, our eyes a little wet.
"Look, Kate… I'm going to take some time off from the precinct. Work on this book," Castle sighed after a few minutes of the much needed silence.
"Yeah, okay." I couldn't look at him, half out of shame and half out of anger. Abruptly I stood and hurried out of the loft, closing the door softly behind me.
XXX
God, I'm a horrible person. This is just one huge mess and I'm not doing it any favors by sitting here, drinking whisky. If anything, I'm making it a hell of a lot worse.
Almost of its own accord, my hand sneaks into the pocket of my yoga and withdraws my phone.
Call or don't? Rectify or don't? Let him in or keep him out?
Maybe it is the alcohol at work (though if I'm being honest, I am not nearly as intoxicated as I make myself think I am) but I find myself dialing his number. I don't even bother looking just dial and hold it to my ear before I can over think.
One ring, then two, three, four, five. In each pause between the chimes, I expect to hear his deep, soft voice filtering through the tiny speaker but there's only silence. And then there he is. Almost.
"Hey, you've reached the phone of Richard Castle. I'm clearly otherwise engaged but go ahead and leave me a message. Name, why you're calling, usual stuff and I'll try to get back to you. That is if Beckett doesn't run me through with her laser glare." I hear myself laugh and say something unintelligible and my chest aches again, remembering the slow day in the precinct when Castle was bored and jittery, changing every setting on his phone and then making for mine before I sent him to get coffee.
There's slow beep and I realize that I need to leave a message.
"Um. Hey. It's Beckett. I … I don't actually know why I'm calling you but… Uh…Yeah. Um." I blow out a breath. Way to be coherent, Kate and way to embarrass yourself on his answering machine. Just end the damn message! "The boys… and well… I'm sorry. And I miss you."
I hit end as quickly as I possibly can, staring at my phone in horror. 'I miss you.' Really, Kate, that's how you choose to end the message to him?
I pour myself another glass and toss it back. I'm clearly not dealing with this well. The burn of the last gulp of alcohol snaps my brain into focus and I shove the bottle away. Alcohol is not going to fix this. My father taught me that and I'm instantly disgusted with myself for even trying this method of coping.
I haul myself off the couch, dump my glass in the sink, and store the whiskey in the very back of my cabinets. I still feel gross though, hypocritical, just wrong.
I jog to the bathroom, pulling my hair back into a bun as I go. The bite of mint toothpaste and the splashes of cold water on my face wake me up some and I can think somewhat more clearly. Calling Castle hadn't been the worst thing ever I suppose. I do miss him, even though I feel like an idiot for admitting it in a message.
Our argument… fighting with him always hurt. I know that he usually has my best interests at heart but this time it feels like a betrayal. Who is he to decide about my life? Yes, he knows me probably better than anyone in my life at the moment (excluding my father) and he… loves me but…
And I love him. The truth shoots across my mind like a falling star and it takes my breath away. It's not like I've never considered the possibility that that's the truth but… It's the first time I've really truly thought it without censorship. It's terrifying and freeing all at once.
A pounding on the door distracts me from my musings. I flinch horribly at the first knock, fighting the urge to run. Damn PTSD. Yet another reason I'm not anywhere near emotionally ready to be with Castle. Right?
He's always warm. He knows when to back off. He always says always. He loves me. I love him. What's the damn problem?
I want him. God, I want him in every sense of the word. I want to wake up next to him. I want to hold his hand. I want to be everywhere with him, clothes on, clothes off, whatever.
There's a banging on the door again. Shit. I got lost in my mind again. Hurriedly, I flip off the light in the bathroom, tugging my hair out of the bun I had ensnared it in.
The knocking stops and for a moment I consider running to my room for my gun. My hand twitches around the door knob but then I decide against it, turning the knob and opening the door.
"Castle." He's just standing there in front of me. His hair still as disheveled as the last time I saw it. There are purple crescents under his eyes and his light blue shirt is slightly crumpled. All the same, I'm simultaneously overjoyed and a little weary at the sight of him.
"Castle what're you-" That's all I get out before his lips descend on mine.
Every synapses in my brain shorts out. Nothing registers except the feel of Castle's mouth over mine, his hands gripping my waist, the stubble on his cheeks under my finger tips.
I gasp and his tongue slips between my lips, pressing hotly against mine. Every cell in my body begins to vibrate and I suddenly can't get close enough to him. Holding back every feeling, every touch for four years has gotten to me and I finally crack.
My hand skims from his cheek around to cup the back of his neck, tugging him closer. His fingers dig into my hip bones and I'm pressed back against the door (when did we shut that?) his chest against mine.
His teeth sink lightly into my bottom lip and I whimper a moan, breaking away and rasping for breath. His lips don't leave my skin, just skim down the column of my neck, kissing, biting gently, running his tongue slowly over the bites.
I'm gasping for breath but still I want more. His fingers brush under my shirt, hitching it up above my belly button. I grab the lapels of his button down shirt, and the popped the top button.
"Castle," I gasp again, as his lips settle against my collar bone.
"Kate." His breath hitches and I can feel him starting to pull back but I latch on tighter to his shirt, unbuttoning another button as it went.
"I love you," my brain mouth filter is clearly on the fritz, though it didn't matter so much at this moment in time.
"I want you," God, do I have to sound like some breathy bimbo? The single irritated thought flashes across my mind before I rock up on my toes and re-attach our lips. The words and action seem to have placated him for the time being and his hands are roaming again. Before I know it, my shirt is off and his buttons are half undone.
When I finally reach the bottom one, he shrugs it off and grabs my hips again, so we're flush against one another against the door. With a grunt, he lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist, running my fingers through my hair as his tongue presses against the inside of my cheek. His fingers skim up the side of my ribs and I fight the urge to twitch as they pass over my surgery scar. His right hand remains hovered over the place, stroking against the puckered skin. Another moan bubbles past my lips and against his.
Castle's hand drifts up, between my breasts and finds the bullet hole, caressing it lightly. Slowly, his lips work their way down my neck, across my clavicle, and then down to the scar, hovering over it before the lightest of kisses is placed over it.
When did my apartment get so hot? Because the heat between us certainly can't be that intense, can it?
"Castle." I groan against his neck as his hand slides down the waistband of my yoga pants, tugging them down a fraction of an inch.
"Sure?" he pants hotly in my ear.
I press myself fully against him in answer and crush our lips together. He turns away from the door and walks down the hallway. We make it. Barely.
XXX
A shaft of light falls across my eyes, staining the inside of my eyelids pink. It's morning. Has to be. Everything around me is warm and I feel like I've just had the best sleep I've ever gotten.
My pillow moves slowly under my head and something brushes over my hair. Then it hits me. Oh God. Holy Hell. Castle and I… the door and the bedroom… and then the counter top in my bathroom and then the bed again. We did it. All over my house. Well mostly my bedroom.
It had been fast and rough and almost angry at times, both of us, but there was undeniable passion and spells of a… loving quality. It had been… mind blowing. And that was putting it mildly. Just thinking about it was getting me all hot and bothered again.
"Morning." His voice rumbles under my ear and my lips twitch at the noise.
"Morning," I whisper back, still in shock about what we'd done.
Silence stretches between us, his finger still winding through my hair and mine beginning to trace patters on his chest. Hearing his heart beat under my ear causes a smile to slip across my lips.
It fades just as quickly as it appears. What are we doing? This isn't a good way for mature adults to handle this, us, our problems. Words. He was so good with them and so was I sometime but we hadn't done anything with them. If anything we'd defiled them the night before, all panting and moaning and swearing… No, Kate, back on point. We hadn't done right.
"So…" I sigh against his chest, and watch, fascinated as Goosebumps erupt along it.
"So." He breaths into my hair, pressing his lips to my head.
"We didn't handle that in the best way."
"Oh, I don't know," he chuckles, "I think you handled everything perfectly." His lips slide down, across my temple and nip at the shell of my ear
"I'm serious, Castle," though I don't sound it. The way his fingers are skating over my shoulder and the warmth of his lips on my ear make my voice breathy and I fight a shudder.
He sighs, dropping his lips from my ear, but continuing the pattern on my arm, "I know. I know."
We're quiet again. I know I should get up and try to figure things out. I should put distance between us, quell the inane desire roiling in my stomach, my heart. Know I should force the words out. But I can't bring myself to do any of it.
All I really want to do is curl into Castle's side, sleep some more, kiss him, eat something, get some coffee, maybe have another go round and then, maybe, when we're rested and happy and full, we'll talk about it.
Castle turns on his side, and we're chest to chest. His lips find mine short and sweet, not at all like last night.
"I love you," he murmurs. His arms synch around my waist and I lay my head in the crook between his shoulder and neck.
I nod, and press a kiss to his jaw, working my way down to his mouth, "I love you too."
Yeah. We'll talk later.