Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Bones, or any characters mentioned in this FanFic OK! No need to rub it in!

Police Plaza, Haven city. The Lower Elements.

"This is catastrophic! Completely catastrophic!"

"Calm down Julius. The noise is effecting the computers."

Commander Root, of the Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance squad was pacing around the operations booth, trying to think. There was a big problem. No, that's an understatement. There was a huge problem, and Commander Root was the only one around with enough experience to deal with it besides a certain Female Recon captain who had yet to show up. He was on the verge of authorizing the council to create a city-wide lock down and order a cease in of all electronic activity, besides the Ops booth. It was thanks to Foaly that Haven was still up any running, as he'd assured the Commander, (who had yet to tell him what the big emergency was,) that lock down would only create panic. So, with all that on his shoulders, he was in no mood to be ordered around by a brain on four legs.

"Zip it Foaly. I couldn't care less about you're computers at this moment." He paced around the room again and then barked, "Dammit, where the hell is captain Short?"

"Right here," Said Holly as she entered the Operations booth, wearing her customary regulation LEP outfit and carrying a Neutrino blaster in her left hand and hugging her helmet under her right arm.

Commander Root breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, captain. Glad you're here. I feel that at this moment I can only trust you two with this absolutely confidential information." When he said confidential, he glanced at Foaly accusingly. "So I'd better not see any of this on your site, Foaly."

Foaly gave a gasp of indignation and said, "Me, Commander? I have nothing to do with that bogus site and it's completely brilliant interpretations of our adventures."

The commander snorted very unprofessionally and said, "Sure, Foaly. They're brilliant alright. A stinkworm could write better!"

Holly cut them off before this could develop into a verbal boxing match as it usually did when you got these two into a room for more than five seconds.

"OK, enough Foaly. What's this big emergency, Commander?"

Foaly closed his mouth, but he was still hurt slightly. He didn't know that the only reason that Holly had called him out was that she wasn't allowed to be insubordinate to her commanding officer.

The Commander sighed. "This is big, Holly. I don't know if you can handle it, but-" Here he paused, looking down at his shoes. "I wasn't sure who to turn to."

Holly and Foaly both blinked. Was this really the same Commander Root? He looked the same, and his complexion remained the same rosy hue, but the words coming out of hi mouth were completely alien.

"Just tell us, Julius." Said Holly, praying this wasn't another death, or something worse.

"Yes, tell us Julius." Said Foaly.

Root looked up, fully prepared to shout at Foaly for calling him Julius, but his reprimand died in his throat. Foaly wasn't mimicking Holly or trying to be obnoxious. The centaur was really, truly trying to help.

"Well, alright." He said sighing. He reached inside his jacket and pulled something square out. It was a box.

"It's a box." Foaly said, resuming his roll as senior obnoxious centaur. In fact, the only obnoxious centaur.

"I know it's a box!" Root said defensively. "It's what's on the box."

Holly and Foaly both peered at the box in the commander's hands. It was old, small, and stank of fungus.

FUNGUS?!

Holly and Foaly both looked up at Root, who was sniffling.

Root, sniffling? Something about this box must be really important.

"Um, ok boss. So, what's with the smelly box?" Foaly asked, still peering intently at the box.

Root held back a sniffle and said, his voice chocked with emotion, "It's the last legal cigar under this earth. The motion was just passed yesterday. As of now, these babies are officially contraband.

Both Holly and Foaly continued to stare at the commander as if antlers had sprouted from nose.

"You almost caused a city-wide lock down," Foaly began slowly. "Because your precious stogies are now considered contraband?!"

Holly shot Foaly a look. "Lock down? He almost called a lock down?"

"He did indeed. It was only through my clever intervention that he didn't." Foaly said, puffing out his chest proudly.

"Oh well done Foaly," Holly said sarcastically. "We should give you a medal."

"You already owe me three," pouted Foaly. "One for the Arctic Incident, one for the Spiro thing, and one for Koboi-goblin rebellion."

But Holly wasn't listening. She was looking at Commander Root. The Commander was still staring down at his cigar box like it was a long-lost brother.

He just stared and stared at it until suddenly, he dropped the box and yelled, "APRIL FOOL!"

Holly was so surprised she nearly tripped over her own feet. Foaly was so surprised that he actually did trip over his own feet and landed with a bang on the plasma-tile floor.

Commander Root, meanwhile, was cackling. "Ha! That was one for the books! You two should've seen the looks on your faces!"

Holly and Foaly just stared, open-mouthed, at the Commander. Foaly's first thought was, oh gods he's gone mad. Holly's first thought was something less printable. Then they both remembered something that made them roll their eyes with disgust. Well, actually Foaly rolled his eyes in disgust. Holly just mentally rolled her eyes, at the risk of annoying her assumed crazy Commander.

They remembered that the only mud man holiday Root celebrated, apart from New Years Eve, (which he spent going from party to party all night long, drinking a nasty substance called Milx's Iron Ale. Apparently, it could stun a bull troll with one drop, but it would take a whole gallon to put down Root. Holly had seen pictures.) was April Fool's day.

Holly had no idea what the principle behind this holiday was, (she was a traditionalist elf and didn't celebrate mud man holidays except for Christmas,) but she knew it involved a mud man traveler and the messing up of a calender. She also knew that the object of this holiday was to pull the worst and funniest prank possible on someone.

Foaly, however, did know the principles of April Fool's day and, more importantly, he knew that the Commander was just joking, and Foaly knew his jokes. He'd once called a Def-con 2 because his Mud man satellite systems had been out. (Also on April Fool's day.) He knew which jokes were good and which were bad. The Commanders', however, was the funniest thing Foaly had ever witnesses since he'd glued Mulch Diggums's tunneling bum-flap shut.

"Well done, Commander. I'll admit you had us going there for a bit." He said, using a table to haul himself up.

Holly, however, was not amused. "You called me in here for an April Fool's day prank?" She demanded angrily. The Commander wasn't listening. He was too busy clutching the side of the table closest to him to support his weight because he was laughing too hard to stand up straight.

Foaly was laughing too, now. "Ok, I admit it. That was a great one, Julius!"

"Don't- call me, JULIUS!" Root managed to squeak out through his laughter.

That just made Foaly laugh more.