A/N: Look at me, writing another fic when I have 3 others to update. I blame writer's block… for two of them. Weekend, I promise you. So, as you should know, I like to write fics based on songs, so I was listening to this sing "Six Degrees of Separation – The Script" and I had this in my head. It's not very long as I'm only writing it to pass time as I wait for these cakes to bake… My allergies have been attacking me all day and my allergy medicine is making me feel worse, so I apologize for any …. Off thing in this. But yea… R&R and enjoy!
First, you think the worst is a broken heart
"We're done."
The words rang through her head over and over. It had been three weeks, three weeks since she said those words – spat those words, in his face. Three weeks since what they had going for three months was over and because of what? She couldn't even remember.
Three weeks since she and Castle broke up and these were the worst three weeks of her life. People always ask if it's better to love and lose or to never have loved at all. Before she would have said to love and lose, but now, she chose to never have loved at all.
She sat in her living room, her feet folded under her, her head in her hands causing her hair to fall around her, creating a curtain around her face. Much like the wall around her heart, that clearly was still there. She thought back to that night, although it physically pained her. She loved him, she loved him more than she knew she had in her, she would have done anything for him, she still would… if he was still around and he wasn't and it was her fault.
They had fought, over what? About dinner? About where she should live? About whether they would have children in the future? About if they were even going that far? It was about everything. Castle loved her, she knew that, ever since the day she came to his loft, surrendering her heart to him, allowing him to love her, allowing her walls to fall and love him back. He had loved her to the moon and back, he hadn't even tried to hide it, the way he looked at her, damn, she missed the way he looked at her. The way he touched her and made her feel like she was his world, his everything.
And now that was gone, because she couldn't set her own fears aside. Fears of what exactly? She thought. Fears of him loving her too much and then she would disappoint him. Fear of loving him too much and he would change his mind and leave her. Fear of having her heart broken, but it was too late for that.
What's gonna kill you is the second part
"Fine."
He had spat the words back in her face, causing her to jump. She knew what she said, but she had expected him to fight, fight for her, for them, but he didn't and that hurt. Looking back now, she realized how stupid she had been, expecting him to fight, he had fought for her, for the past four years, he fought hard and now…
She let her tears fall and the gut wrenching feeling of their breakup settle in her bones. This was how she spent her nights now, instead of wrapped up in Castle's arms, his loving arms, holding her tightly to him. He used to read her stories, used to massage her sore muscles, he used to love her in all the right ways and now she was alone.
She stood up, refusing to let her pity fest go on any longer. She had a life to live and a job to do, with or without him, no matter how much that hurt her to say. She looked around her apartment, trying to find something to do, anything to distract herself from the thought of what she had lost. Luckily her phone rang at that moment.
She took a moment to compose herself and steady her breath before answering.
"Beckett." She spoke into the phone.
"Yo Beckett, we got a body – "Esposito told her, informing her of the address of the murder.
The last thing she wanted to do right now was go out and work. She reminded herself she had a job to do and that the death of someone else and a family losing someone they loved was bigger than whatever emotional moments she had.
Beside, a case would take her mind off of Castle, she thought to herself, that is… until she remembered what brought her and Castle together four years ago.
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle.
Automatically she moved to dial the number one person on her speed dial, but stopped herself before she could, reminding herself that they didn't have that anymore. She shoved her phone aside and made her way to the bedroom to put on clothes acceptable for work.
She didn't think this would be that hard a task. Everything reminded her of him. A specific shirt he liked, said it brought out the colour in her eyes. Those pants he loved to see her in. That jacket, he had ripped off of her body in a moment of heated passion. Everything.
She slammed her closet shut and rubbed her eyes. She exhaled sharply and reached for her phone.
"Beckett?"
"Yea, sorry Espo, I'm gonna have to miss out on this case. Not feeling so good." She told him, using all the power she had to keep herself from crying.
"You okay?" His voice was softer than usual, caring and understanding.
Everyone had heard what had happened by now, not exactly how they broke up, but they knew they broke up. They knew how broken she was over this, how she came into the precinct everyday with red, puffy eyes, how she kept staring at his chair, hoping he'd just appear. How she'd stopped drinking coffee.
"No. But I'm trying to be." She told him.
"It's cool. Ryan and I can handle this one – " He hesitated, "Look, Beckett, if you need me and Ryan to… talk some sense into …. Him, just say the word."
She laughed, nothing big, but it was more than she had done in the past few weeks. Esposito was always like a brother to her, always looking out for her and she loved him for it.
"That's okay Espo, I'm a big girl, I can handle myself." She told him.
"Alright, the offer still stands." He said before hanging up.
She stood there smiling at her phone for a little while, until reality hit her once again and sent her spiralling back down into an endless hole of sadness.
"Whatever."
It wasn't whatever and she so wished she could call him, apologize, but for some reason, she couldn't. She tried, but every time she was about the pressed the call button she stopped.
She couldn't continue like this.
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Another four weeks had passed and things had gotten better. At least, she thought they did. She went back to therapy even, sharing her feelings with the caring, understand doctor who had helped her through her shooting and PTSD and even in her journey to Castle.
Castle.
He wasn't here anymore and she hadn't seen him in seven weeks. She had spent the first four weeks of their break up crying, destroying herself over the loss of the most important thing in her life. Staring at his chair, hoping, just hoping, this was all a dream and she didn't lose him because of her irrational fears. But it wasn't and she had accepted it.
Accepted?
That's what she liked to think of it, that she accepted it. Truthfully, she just became numb. Numb to everything, numb to life, she just didn't have it in her to care anymore. Where did that every get her? Broken hearted, she reminded herself.
She was fine.
That was the lie she told everyone. Lanie, her father, Esposito, Ryan… She didn't cry anymore. She had no tears left to cry. She had nothing left and she was accepting that. She felt nothing and she was okay with that.
It was better than feeling everything and falling apart.
She was fine.
Or so she thought.
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
"How are you?" Lanie asked as soon as she stepped through the morgue doors.
She stared at her for a while, before answering.
"Fine."
"Don't lie to me." Lanie warned.
"I'm fine Lanie, what do you got?" She pushed, trying to move on from this subject. Two months, since she had seen him and she was distancing herself even more from emotion, she didn't even know where she got the sympathy or empathy from when she dealt with the victim's families anymore.
"Have you read the papers?" Lanie asked, bringing her attention back to her.
"No. Why?"
Lanie wordlessly handed over the paper to her. It was on page 6 and page 6 could only mean one thing.
Castle.
She read the paper, feeling the tears she thought she had run out of pool in her eyes, stinging them and falling over.
She stared down at the photo of him with another woman on his arm, all smiles. He was fine, he had moved on with his life. What did she expect? She laughed to herself.
"He moved on."
"I thought you said you were okay."
"I thought I was." She whispered, wiping her tears.
Lanie stepped towards her opening her arms, which Kate threw herself into. She wrapped her arms around her friend and waited while she cried all the tears she had denied in two month and it was a lot, more than Lanie ever thought could come out of one person.
She eased off of her friend, wiping her face.
"I'm sorry Lanie." She said, inhaling a shaky breath.
"Kate, it's been two months. Please, tell me what happened? You two were doing so well."
"We were, but then I got scared." Kate whispered, daring to look Lanie in the eye.
"Scared of what?" She asked softly, rubbing her hands soothingly up and down her friend's arms as she stepped away.
"I don't know. Everything…" She looked around the room, anywhere but in her friend's face.
"He loves you Kate."
"He did. That's what I was afraid of Lanie. What if once he got me, he realized I was too broken to be fixed and he didn't want me anymore? We just started fighting, over nothing at all and before I knew it, we were done and I was in my apartment alone."
"You should talk to him Kate." She told her.
"Why? He's already moved on." Kate laughed dryly.
"This?" Lanie asked, reaching for the paper, "This is all a lie. Castle is in love with you, he's changed and after four years of waiting patiently for you, you think he'd just move on? No Kate, you know him better than that."
She did. Now she felt bad, she did know him better. He had changed, for her. He had let his bad boy, playboy persona go, in favour for the real him, the family loving, nerd that he really was, that she fell in love with.
Maybe she should talk to him… But, how?
And the sixth, is when you admit you may have fucked up a little
She left the morgue an hour ago. She didn't know what to do, she was walking around in the park, trying to clear her head.
Should she talk to him?
Would he want to hear what she had to say?
Did she deserve to have him listen to her?
Did she deserve him?
She couldn't answer these questions on her own, so she made a decision and turned around, heading for the loft before she had the time to change her mind.
Before she knew it, she was pacing the floor outside of his door.
Should she do this?
Was he home?
Would he slam the door in her face when he saw her?
Did he miss her?
She took a deep breath and stepped up to the door, raising a hand to knock.
At the moment, the door flew open.
"Kate?"
"Castle"
They stood there, just staring at each other. She was sure her face hid no emotion, no effort was made to hide the emotional rollercoaster she had gone through. His face however, was completely blank.
"We need to talk." She whispered, lowering her hand.
"Yea we do." He said, softer than his face looked. He stepped aside, silently inviting her into his loft. She stepped around him, into the place she had called home for so long. She closed her eyes and breathed in, revelling in the familiar smell of him and whatever mouth watering meal he was cooking.
"I miss this." She heard herself say before she could stop herself.
"Then why'd you leave?" He asked, his voice soft, but the hurt was not hidden.
She turned around to face him, stepping up to him, slowly, afraid he would back away.
"I got scared." She admitted.
His face softened.
"Scared of what Kate?"
"Scared that you'd get tired of me and you wouldn't love me anymore." She told him, feeling the tears call down her cheeks.
He reached up, wiping the tears away with his fingers. She automatically leaned into his hand, desperately missing him, his feel.
"I'll never stop loving you Kate."
"What about page six? It seems like you have."
He laughed.
"That was nothing but a promotional stunt and … an attempt to make you jealous." He told her.
"Really?" She looked up, to decipher if he was telling the truth, he was.
"But why?"
"Because I missed you Kate. I couldn't function without you. I missed you being with me, so much it hurt. I needed you back."
"Why didn't you call?"
"I didn't think you'd want to hear from me."
"Every night."
"What?" He titled his head to the side, not understanding what she'd said.
"Every night, I wished you'd call. I wished I had the guts to call. I wished I was with you again." She cupped his cheek, searching his eyes.
"You can be." He told her.
"You'd take me back?" She asked surprised.
"Kate, I love you, no matter what happens. This? We can move pass this, if you want to. I know I do. I'm not meant to be apart from you Kate. Please don't leave me again." He sounded so hurt, she couldn't believe she did this to him, she hated herself for it.
"Never." She promised.
He leaned forward to kiss her. Kissing her with all that he had, promising her everything, melting away all her anger and her fears. She wrapped her arms around his neck, to deepen the kiss.
He broke away, breathing heavily against her lips.
"I love you Kate."
"I love you too Castle." She smiled, reaching up to kiss him again.
And she always will.
There's no starting over, without finding closure
You take them back no hesitation
That's when you know you've reached the sixth degree of separation.
End A/N: Well, there's that… I'm off to go put frosting on that cake now. I hope you liked this, if you did leave me a review? If you didn't… Leave me a review anyways? Thanks!