written for tumblr user eren-yeaqer
beta-read by tumblr user tighteneren
Desperation and fear go hand in hand, and after it comes to light that Eren is not the only one able to turn into a titan, suspicion starts gnawing at everyone.
What if the scout sitting next to you at breakfast was another traitor, giving away important intel about missions?
They had never seen it coming from maybe Reiner, Bertholdt, or Annie. At this point anyone could actually be a titan in disguise.
That's what they'd become, the shifters, not humans first and foremost and only later titans, but titans in disguise. Loyalties were questioned, desperate measures taken.
The scalpel inching closer and closer to Eren Jaeger's bare chest was one of those desperate measures.
"You have to agree. It'll make you look bad in everyone's eyes if you don't," Levi tells him. He's the one to break the news.
He could do it more tactfully. Instead he just says that Eren will be cut open and dissected, tone flat and no emotion leaking into the lineaments of his face.
Levi places a hand on Eren's back only when he's on the verge of hyperventilating. It does nothing to comfort him. Levi's voice is oddly dull and hollow when he explains exactly why Eren has to go through with this.
"Could you be there when they do it?" It's the only thing he asks of Levi.
The older man agrees, albeit hesitantly. Then he leaves and Eren is alone in his dungeon of a room again with nothing to do.
He still does his chores, sweeps the courtyard and mucks the stables, but his hands are sweaty and stomach lurches every time anyone looks at him.
The day of the experiment arrives slowly and by then Eren just wants to get it over with.
Levi is there, but it doesn't offer Eren the sense of security he had hoped for. Instead it makes anger bubble up in his chest, makes it rise higher and higher as the scalpel inches closer.
Levi is leaning against the wall, scrutinizing the toes of his boots as if the reflections of the bright lights against dark leather are more important than Eren being slowly ripped in half.
Hanji had explained to him that they were looking for anything in his system that differed from a normal human's, something that would hint at abnormalities that would help them figure out if there's anyone else hiding shifter abilities, latent or not.
If it weren't for the excitement making her voice quiver ever so slightly, Eren would've thought she felt genuinely sympathetic, sorry for the situation he was in.
When the anesthesia doesn't work on him (ether, it's called, if he recalls correctly), she doesn't hesitate for long. Instead she provides that the pain will cause sensory overload and eventually his mind will simply block it out, become numb.
The satisfaction of seeing Levi's head jerk and eyes peer up at him, wide and distraught, at the strangled sound that escapes him when the first incision is made doesn't last for long.
He has the ability to heal, yes, very quickly. You'd think it would make it hurt less, instead it turns out that what Hanji had said about the pain eventually fading away because of sensory overload was complete bullshit. It heals just enough for him to feel everything.
Eren doesn't see the T shape incision on his chest, he feels it, careful and precise. Hanji's hands are calm and steady, even as she pushes something that resembles a thin nail through the flaps of skin to pin them down.
The first trickle of blood is scorching hot against his heaving chest. It flows along his collarbone, undisturbed by ragged breathing.
He only actually screams, when his ribcage is broken open, the sound strained as he tries to will it down.
Shh, Eren, we have to open it to see what's inside, he doesn't know if Hanji actually says that or if it's just a part of his subconscious borrowing her voice.
His sternum is split and pulled apart. They're careful, really careful, so nothing accidentally punctures his lungs that are now open and unprotected. Eren knows, he can feel the cold air against his insides, it's freezing.
"Pull the straps tighter," she instructs, because Eren's muscles have started to convulse involuntarily, leg jerking and trembling. There's so much happening to him, yet Eren still feels the hard edges of leather metal buckles digging into into his skin.
His vision becomes blurry with tears and he can no longer seek comfort in the tense lines of Levi's shoulders.
Something rubbery is pushed into his mouth and he absent-mindedly hears someone say it's so he won't bite his tongue off, but his ears are ringing from screaming and he doubts it's his tongue they care about.
Eren feels bile rise up and sting the back of his throat because hands are inside of him, circling his intestines and prodding between soft tissue.
The bright light burns his retinas and when he turns his head away from the source of it he sees the door swing shut. Levi's no longer there.
In the end Hanji's right about some things and he blacks out for the rest of the experience, be it from shock or pain, Eren doesn't care. He's glad.
They don't find anything of significance and tears prickle the corners of his eyes again as Hanji tells him that they will probably need to perform the vivisection again. That's what she calls it. Eren couldn't care less, to him it's nothing but sick torture, and now he knows it's going to happen again.
It's going to haunt him – the bright lights, the table with leather straps meant to constrict his arms and legs. So he jerks his arm away from Hanji's comforting squeeze and pretends not to hear her apology, the hurt in her voice that runs deeper than her wrongdoings.
Eren can't protest, can't say anything against it, but he still has the privilege of keeping his mouth shut so he turns on his side, away from Hanji. She lingers in the room for a bit, but doesn't say anything.
It doesn't really hurt, everything has mostly healed by the time he comes to his senses, but his ribs are still carefully wrapped in gauze and it smells of antiseptic.
The smell sticks to his body, seeps into the bedsheets, his nightshirt, and when Levi comes to check up on him Eren watches the man sit on the edge gingerly, aware of what the scent implies all too well.
Eren hopes he looks miserable. He knows that bright white gauze stands out stark against his skin, just a sliver of it visible, a nasty reminder that Levi hadn't been there until the end of it, and just maybe Eren had kicked the duvet off on purpose when he heard footsteps approaching the room.
He bites his tongue and waits for Levi to speak up first, he knows that the older man isn't stupid, he won't ask 'are you okay, how are you feeling?' or anything similar.
"I'm sorry for leaving," he sounds sincere and some satisfaction trickles warm and pleasant into Eren's belly, only to be ripped away with idle anger nipping at his insides because Levi's the one who authorized it. Eren doesn't care if Levi couldn't do anything about it. He still hadn't protested, he hadn't even stayed there like Eren had asked, and he hadn't asked for much.
Eren doesn't say anything and silence settles over them thick and uneasy.
Finally the weight on the bed shifts and Levi rises to leave.
"Stay."
Eren peers at him through lidded eyes, as if to say 'just until I fall asleep,' and Levi complies, as if relieved to hear the boy speak to him. He sinks back down on the bed and this time Eren is more aware of the mattress dipping lower, of the warmth that's just a few centimeters away from his shin.
"It's going to happen again and again, isn't it? And they're not going to find anything," There isn't even the hint of a question in his voice, but Levi still responds.
"And what the fuck do you want me to do it?"
That's exactly what Eren needs – the slightest hint of desperation that gives away that Levi is indeed not indifferent to all this. He sits up slowly, lets his foot drag against Levi's thigh before drawing his knees up.
The shirt folds over the gauze, no longer exposing it, but it's a small loss because now Eren can direct a careful gaze at the older man, one he'd practiced earlier on the stone wall, one that made him look like all fight had left him.
"Does it make you uncomfortable? Is that it? You can slice titans up left and right but when one's in front of you being cut open, you're suddenly weak in the knees?"
His heart is hammers against his chest uncomfortably. If he's not careful enough Levi will simply get up and leave without another word. Levi has no moral or emotional obligation towards him after all, everything depends on how Eren plays this, so he lets the look of hurt twist his face, averts his gaze and fiddles with a stray thread on the duvet.
The bitterness inside of him has turned into an itch. An itch to give back, pay back, and Levi will do just fine.
"Eren," Levi shifts his weight slightly, uncrosses his legs, and Eren knows it's his victory. "You're a human first and foremost and only later a titan. No matter how much our superiors might doubt this, I don't. Nor does anyone else in the Scouting Legion."
And that's exactly what Eren needs to slip himself further underneath Levi's skin.
"You think anyone treats me like a human being? They're afraid to touch me unless it's with a knife, and even that's only because it could provide some knowledge."
The frown on Levi's face deepens and the look he's giving Eren is sharp. It's obvious he doesn't want to have this conversation, thinks it's useless and he's one breath away from telling Eren to grow up and deal with it.
So Eren beats him to it, "You know what they asked me?" He pauses carefully, short enough not to annoy Levi, "If I've ever eaten human flesh."
And it works, a look of surprise graces Levi's face.
The mattress shifts as Eren lets his knees down, slouches his shoulders.
They hadn't really asked him that, but eventually they would, Eren can feel it. He knows well enough how highly they think of him. So Levi would never find out, no harm done.
"And of course I said no, I haven't, but it was so obvious they didn't believe me. With those masses of dead people when I first transformed, there's no way to know. And what I say doesn't matter."
Levi's back is straight as a rod, he doesn't know what to do, Eren's voice cracks and he wants to flee from the room.
"So I start dreaming about it. What if I've really done it?"
The trick to get real, genuine tears streaming down his face is to simply believe the words he's saying, to make them real and immerse himself in the created image. Eren looks up at Levi through wet eyelashes and he can see the man crumbling slowly.
He draws in a shaky breath, lets his eyes linger on Levi for a second longer than needed before rubbing the dampness away.
He doesn't need to fake the slight embarrassment as he continues, "So could you stay? Just for one night. They won't let Armin or Mikasa stay, but if it's you then surely that'll be okay?"
Levi is hesitant, but the guilt of being unable to stay with Eren when he had first asked was still eating at him.
"Fine," he nearly spits out, but Eren flinches and he lets the rest of the frustration out with a sigh, face softening. "I'll stay for as long as you want."
Eren scoots over, his intentions obvious as he pulls the blanket up to his chin, and Levi follows his lead, kicks off his boots and rests against the wall. Eren doesn't force further conversation upon them, simply listens to the calm breathing pattern of his superior, counts how many times his chest rises and falls.
For a moment he feels as if this will be enough to satisfy him, that simply having someone here with him would calm the itch boiling in his veins. Instead he wakes up a few hours later, his cell dark and the sheets next to him cold - Levi's long gone. It's like salt rubbed into a wound and Eren knows this won't be enough. He needs more.