So you're a failure. Its ok, it happens.
So what do you do? What do you do when you crack under the pressure, have a mental break down and drop out of school?
You go home.
You pack up your stuff, load it into you shitty car, shamefully say goodbye to your friends and roommate, and drive all the way back to your tiny, hick, bumble-fuck of a town where your city hall is the second floor of the liquor store.
And hope that no one judges and pities you.
Because you were the golden boy; you were the kid who was going places, who was going to make something of himself.
The guy who worked his ass off in high school to get into a great college with a full ride.
The guy who was going to get out of that soul sucking town and never look back.
Yet here you are, sitting in your old room with all your stuff on the floor still needing to be unpacked.
But what gets you the most out of all of this?
It's that it wasn't actually ok.
I could smell my mother's meatloaf cooking just down the hall and I could hear my brother, Matthew talking on his phone to his girlfriend. This house was so small and the walls so thin and I was trapped here.
I've been home for exactly two hours and 36 minutes. It's been three and a half days since I dropped out of my first semester of my sophomore year at college, and one week since I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown and tried to kill myself by swallowing what was left of my Tylenol pm.
However my roommate unexpectedly came back to the dorm early and dragged me the hospital.
I should probably thank him, but… Well by the time we got to the and when I actually saw the doctor she told me that I most likely wouldn't have died since the dose I had taken wasn't enough, but they still pumped my stomach anyway to avoid any chances of liver damage and other side effects.
So I figure I don't have to thank him for saving my life, but I guess he deserves some credit for my healthy liver.
"Allie?"
I look over and see my mother poking her head in. There are bags under her eyes and her hair is haphazardly into a messy bun. It was her usual frazzled appearance, but now instead of her looking at me with a prideful, glowing gaze; it's one of worry and concern.
"Dinner is ready, are you ready to eat?" She asks, saying each word with gentle care, as if I'll burst into hysterics if she's not careful enough. I smile and nod.
"Yea, I'll be right out." I tell her. She smiles as well and leaves and I hear her knock on my brother's door, telling him food was ready and to get off the phone. Meanwhile I head out to the kitchen and take a seat at the table. The tv was on in the conjoined living room at a barely audible volume and fox news was on. It was always on at our house. My mother was very conservative.
I tried not to let it annoy me.
I take a seat and fix myself a plate of meatloaf but I don't eat anything, waiting for my mother and Matthew. I hear hushed whispers from the hallway and see my mother and brother about to come to the kitchen.
"Be nice." Is all I manage to hear from my mother as they both take their seats at the table and fix their own plates.
"It's so nice having both of my boys together again." She says, grabbing ahold of each of our hands. I look over at Matthew and we reluctantly take each other's hands.
"Would you like to say grace, Allie?" Mother asks, giving my hand a squeeze. I suppress a grimace and smile instead.
"Totally." I say, ignoring the eye roll from my brother, and bowing my head.
"Dear lord, thank you for this food on our table, the roof over our heads, and the gift of life that you give us every day. Amen." I say softly, trying not to sound awkward. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God. I guess you could say I'm agnostic. But it's nice to think that somewhere out there, someone could be looking out for me.
"Amen." My mother and Matthew echo. Matthew let's go of my hand and I hear him scoff.
"Clearly a gift you don't want…" He mumbles, our mother sends him a glare and smacks his arm.
"Matthew!" She says, about to scold him.
"Mom, its fine, I don't care, really." I say quickly. Honestly I wasn't surprised by Matthew's comment. The two of us have always had a rocky relationship. I was the older brother, who excelled in school and extra-curriculars and who was popular. He was the younger brother who lived in my shadow and was often over looked and resented me for my "perfection."
However I resented him just as much. But more on that later.
"Let's just eat, ok? I love your meatloaf!" I say grinning, trying to steer her from scolding Matthew to pitying me.
She smiles. "Of course, Allie. I made it just the way you like it." She says, picking up a fork to start eating. I look over at Matthew and he actually seems remorseful about what he said. I smile at bit at him and shrug, digging into my food.
"Tastes awesome, mom!" I tell her cheerfully. She seems to buy it and thanks me. I make small chit chat with my mother. Telling her about the drive home. Matthew ate in silence and when he finished, excused himself from the table.
"I'm sorry about what Matthew said." My mother tells me, her voice soft and light. I shake my head.
"Nah, its fine. I know he didn't mean it." I say. My mother and I both finish our food and I stand up and collect the dishes.
"I can clean up." I tell her, putting the plates and silverware in the sink.
"Sweetie, you don't have to do that. You just go home today. Why don't you rest from your long drive?" She suggests, pulling me away from the sink. I scratch my head.
"Yeah, I am pretty beat, I guess I'll turn in and go to bed early." I say. My mom smiles and gets out some tuber ware to store the left overs.
"Good." She says, kissing my cheek. "I love you, Allie." She says.
"Love ya too." I say, I was about to go back to my room, but my mother stopped me.
"Allie, you should also give your dad a call. Let him know you're home. Maybe you could go see him." Mom says, putting meat loaf in the plastic container. I falter a bit and nod
"Uh yea... Sure." I mumble, retreating to my room and locking the door behind me.
I could hear my brother's music playing on the other side of the wall we share. It was a bit distracting. Plus I hated Matthew's crap taste in music.
I bang on the wall with my fist.
"Turn it down, Matt!" I yell. He doesn't say anything, just bangs the wall back, but he does turn the music down.
Sighing I turn out the lights and take my pants off so I'm just in my boxers and a t shirt. I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. There were some glow in the dark stickers up there that my friend had stuck up there when we were hanging out over thanksgiving break.
My friends from high school… They were all still here in town attending the community college. They also had no idea about my breakdown. The only people who know about it are my roommate and family.
Should I even tell them? News and gossip in this town travels fast. If I tell just one person, then by the end of the day I wouldn't be known as the golden boy anymore. I'd be the suicide boy
I don't know which is worse.
I've been home for a week now and since I've gotten back I haven't left the house.
Matthew had told a couple of his friends that I dropped out of college and the news had spread fast. By the afternoon of that day I was getting texts from all my old classmates and friends, asking me what had happened and why I dropped out.
I turned my phone off; I didn't want to think about even answering their inquiries. At least Matthew only told them I quit school and not why. Always look on the bright side of life…
My mother was out working. She had three jobs. There weren't many career opportunities for a high school drop out with a GED.
Matthew wasn't home from school yet, which is good. Because if I see him right now, I'd probably try to wring his neck for telling people I dropped out. It wasn't his place to tell anyone about my problem.
But knowing Matthew, he probably relished in the fact the his glorious older brother wasn't perfect.
He was probably dying to tell all of his class mates that Alfred Jones, the perfect golden boy was a pathetic mess.
God... I need to get out of this house.
Without thinking I grab my keys and jacket, and I'm out the door and in my car, driving down the street. I don't know where I was heading or what I would do in my small town, but it was better than being cooper up inside.
I just drive around the town, only stopping when at red lights and stop signs, my Bon Jovi cassette tape playing as my own personal soundtrack and my window rolled down, letting in the crisp late autumn air.
I eventually have to pull over for gas; I hadn't realized I had been driving around for so long. I'm pretty hungry as well, so as I let my tank fill up with gas; I head inside the rest stop for something to eat.
When I enter the small building there's a gas station attendant at the cash register fiddling on his phone. When I look closer I realize that I recognize him. Quickly and subtly I duck over to an aisle of chips and snacks, furtively looking over at the man. Arthur Kirkland.
He was a senior in my high school when I was freshman, we had shared a study hall that he almost always skipped and I used to have biggest crush on him.
He had the alluring bad boy persona that me and all the girls at our school were infatuated with. Arthur also had the greenest eyes and a sexy English accent that made me quiver when he spoke.
Did I mention that I was gay? Well I am. I've know I was gay since I was eleven when my first love was Justin Timberlake. I came out to all my college friends. They were all understanding and accepting of me. They even set me up on dates and through them I had met my first serious boyfriend. We dated almost all of my first year at college until breaking up since he was transferring to another school on the other side of the country. Neither of us wanted to try long distance. However here, in hick town I am "straight."
When I look over at him, I see that not much has changed about him besides his hair. In high school he had dark green dyed hair, but now it's a bleached, pale blond color. His face and body is still the same, but looks more mature now. Geeze... He must be 22 or 23 now...
Arthur catches me staring and I quickly look away, pretending I had been looking at the shelves and not him.
I remember in high school there were rumors about Arthur swinging both ways. Some people said he would go to parties in other nearby towns and he would hook up with guys. I never determined whether I thought it was true or not. I always saw him with girls.
There was another rumor I remember about Arthur. I had also heard he liked girls and guys that smoked. When I was just a naive fifteen year old, I wanted so badly to start smoking, hoping Arthur would smell the cigarette smoke off me and want me.
But I was too much of a goodies two shoes to even steal one of my mom's cancer sticks.
However now... Now I'm nineteen. I can buy my own pack and I wouldn't get in trouble...
I grab a random bag of chips and confidently make my way to the register. Arthur looks up at me with an unimpressed gaze as I place the chips on the counter and try to be cool.
"Just the chips?" He asks dully as he scans them. I gulp and try to find my voice. Arthur was just as scary and intimidating he was in high school. Even as a clerk at a gas station.
"N-No, I have gas on three." I say and I hesitantly look at the shelf of cigarette packs behind Arthur. So much for being confident…
"Uhm and a pack of... Marlboro." I tell him, my voice trying to sound casual but it just came out awkward. Arthur looks at me, amused and skeptical.
"Really...? You smoke?" He asks, his voice doubtful and teasing at the same time.
I stall by nodding slowly and swallowing some spit.
"Yea, totes. I can't go a day without smoking at least one stick."
Totes? TOTES?! Did I seriously just say totes?!
Arthur smirks at me and oh my god its sexy and cruel.
"Ah I see. Well I'm about to go outside for a smoke. Why don't you join me?" He offers, his gaze and tone challenging and daring me to accept.
He was testing me... I think.
"Oh uh... Sure, yea. Why not? Haven't had a cigarette all day, its about time I broke one out." Ugh... Why can't I just shut up?
Arthur practically laughs at me as he rolls his eyes. "Splendid." He says, grabbing a pack of Marlboro and scanning it. I give him my card and he slides it, printing off a receipt for me. "Would you like a bag, Smokey?" He asks, a mocking smirk on his mouth. I flush. I don't remember Arthur being such an ass.
"No. I'm good." I say, grabbing the chips and stuffing them in my jacket pocket, I then grab the cigarettes.
"Still want to join me for a smoke?" Arthur asks, eyes carefully scanning me. I nod stubbornly.
"'Course." I say. "How about now?" I ask, as if I'm somehow challenging him back. Arthur just looks at me, smirk unwavering.
"Now is fantastic." He says, walking out from behind the counter and slipping on the same black leather jacket he wore his senior year. He opens the door and holds it open for me. "After you." He says and I reluctantly walk out the door having no idea what exactly I was trying to prove to Arthur or myself with these cigarettes. I take a seat on the blue plastic bench outside the store, Arthur sitting next to me, already getting his own cigarette out and lighting it, taking a long, slow drag.
I don't do anything as he does this. I just watch, fascinated and disgusted. How could someone so rude with a habit as gross as smoking have this effect on me? Arthur looks over, one eyebrow raised.
"What are you waiting for?" He asks with another smirk. I don't say anything, just hastily open my pack and clumsily take out one of the white sticks. I hold it up and look at it and bring it to my lips and then... I realize I have no way to light it. Damn.
"Got a light?" I ask Arthur. He laughs slightly.
"Shouldn't a frequent smoker who can't go a day without having at least one stick have his own lighter?" He asks teasingly, using my words against me. I falter.
"I uh... Misplaced it the other day and uh... Forgot it at home." I say quickly. Arthur looks at me, clearly finding this HI-larious.
"Which one?" He asks. I look at him confused and Arthur rolls his eyes.
"Did you misplace your lighter or forget it at home? You can't forget something you lost." He says in a deadpanned voice.
"Just give me a light, ok?" I say, trying not to seem flustered or frustrated. Arthur doesn't say anything, just whips out his zippo lighter and holds it out for me to light my cigarette.
"Thanks." I tell him before hesitantly taking my first ever drag. Please don't cough, please don't cough, please don't cough!
But I end up coughing anyway. Not a lot, thank god! Only a bit, so maybe Arthur wouldn't say anything.
"How's the fag?" He asks, his British accent so strong and so attractive. I flush scarlet red at his words. How did Arthur Kirkland of all people find out about my sexuality? Was he asking about me or my ex boyfriend? Or someone else completely? I racked my brain, trying to think of a "fag" I knew that Arthur would also know. In the end, I just look at him, confused and lost.
"How'd you know?" I ask and Arthur let's out a barking laugh.
"I was talking about the cigarette." He says, after his laughter died down to a slight chuckle. I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose consciousness. I look down at the dirty cement, focusing in on a crack that looked like a banana.
"However, now I'm more interested in your question. So are you a…?" He trails off his question, letting me fill in the blank. I glare, not at him, but at the crack. God, I'm a fucking idiot and Arthur Kirkland is a fucking jackass. I throw the cigarette to the ground and put it out with the toe of my shoe.
"Fuck off…" Is all I muster up to say before gathering up my shit and walking off. At least I would have walked off if Arthur hadn't grabbed my shoulder. I stop for him, but I don't look at him. I just know he has something shitty to say to tease me.
"There's a party at my friends place this Saturday night. If you are what I think, you should come. I always thought you were cute in high school."
What?
I look over at Arthur, eyes wide and I'm sure I look like a gaping idiot. Arthur remembers me from high school? More importantly, he thought I was cute?!
Arthur just chuckles.
"Look, if you're interested, meet me here at ten on Saturday night. I'll give you a lift." He says and all I do is nod as he lets go of my shoulder.
"And you don't have to pretend you smoke to get my interest. You already have it, golden boy."
And with that, Arthur puts out his cigarette and heads back inside to get back to work.
Holy shit… Arthur Kirkland invited me to a party.