*A hospital bed is wheeled in by Thalia (who's in OR scrubs), and Eros (who's in a traditional cliche'd nurse's uniform) wheels in the IV and the heart monitor. *
Thalia: Here she is, straight from the ICU, our - ahem - ~favorite~ authoress, Rebecca the Great!
::wheeze:: Hi minna... You thought a little ~bullet~ could stop me? ::sits up and shakes a fist:: Well you're wrong! Bwahahaha!! ::is pushed back onto the bed the "nurse":: Ahem! .. Well, anywho, my muses are unsympathetic towards my condition ::wheeze:: and have forced me to write another parody...
G-boys: ::polish hand-guns::
Eep! Er, well, um... the fic must go on!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and such, and "The Lady, or the Tiger?" is by Frank R. Stockton. Don't sue me! And there's probably spelling and typing errors. Sorry! ^^;
The Duo, or the Tiger?
A Shoot the Author! Production
by Rebecca the Great
Scene opens on a crappy version of what was supposed to be a lush throne room overlooking an ampitheater.
RtG-chan: Once upon a time, there were two kingdoms, one civilized and one barbaric.
Treize and Zechs enter, followed by Une and Noin respectively. Treize is dressed in a white satin shirt, blue silk pants, and a rich blue velvet cape. Une wears ablue and white military uniform and glares at Noin, who's wearing Valkyrie armor and a winged helmet. Zechs only has tight black leather pants on , but the rest of him is covered in "war paint."
Duo: ::off-stage:: ::wolf-whistle:: Sexy Zechsy!
Zechs: Is this really necessary?
RtG-chan and Treize: ::wiping drool:: YES!
RtG-chan: And despite the objections of their body-guards-
Noin tackles Une. A dust cloud gathers around them and from inside come cat-fight noises. It gradually rolls offstage. Thumps and crashes sound from the wings.
RtG-chan: ::sweatdrop:: -the two kings of the kingdoms fell in love and got married, thus uniting their realms. But due to culture shock, they had quite a few disagreements on how to govern. One thing in particular was the punishment of criminals. Then one day while being waited on by their slaves...
Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei enter as Treize and Zechs sit down. Both Quatre and Trowa carry large feather fans, and Wufei holds a bunch of grapes. They all look profoundly embarrassed because the only clothing they have on are small leopard-skin loincloths.
Wufei: I don't see what ~you're~ complaining about, Zechs.
Quatre: And why are we slaves? There weren't any slaves in the original story.
RtG-chan: That's beside the point! There weren't enough parts to go around, so I added a few. Now get back in character.
Trowa and Quatre sigh and begin fanning Zechs and Treize. Wufei just stands there, glaring at everyone.
RtG-chan: ::sigh:: Wufei, -
Wufei: No! I won't do it!
RtG-chan: Please?
Wufei: No way!
RtG-chan: All right. I tried to ask nicely, now we have to do this the hard way. ::deep breath:: SAAAALLLYYY!!!!!
Wufei: ::pales:: Uh-oh... I've got a bad feeling...
Sally enters clad in Xena armor and carrying a big-ass whip.
Treize: What are you supposed to be?
Sally: The slave overseer.
Wufei: ::to RtG-chan:: I'll get you for this, onna! Just you wait till the end of the fic!
Sally cracks the whip, and Wufei jumps a bit.
Sally: Slave! Get to work!
Wufei, with a "Someone's gonna die!" look on his face, kneels beside Treize's throne. Under Sally's firm glare, he reluctantly picks a grape from the bunch and offers it to Treize. The older man takes it from Wufei's fingers with his teeth and looks smug. Wufei shudders dramatically as Sally and Zechs snicker. He glares at the room in general.
RtG-chan: But back to the story, where was I.... Oh, yeah! One day whlie being waited on by their slaves, they had an argument over the justice system in their kingdom.
Zechs and Treize share a bewildered look.
Zechs: ::whispering to Treize out of the corner of his mouth:: Did you know about a fight scene?
Treize: No.
RtG-chan: ::exasperated sigh:: Didn't you guys read the script?
Everyone: There was a script?!
RtG-chan: ::sweatdrop:: Yes! Here! ::throws script at Treize::
Treize opens it and flips to the fight scene. Zechs leans over in his throne trying to see.
Treize: You call ~this~ a script?
RtG-chan: Hey!
Zechs: Is it that bad?
Trieze: Yes. See for yourself. ::hands script to Zechs::
Zechs: You're right. I refuse to say these lines. ::throws script offstage and there's the sound of a cat screeching and glass shattering::
RtG-chan: But what about the important plot set-up?
Treize: Easy. Dragon, mind explaining to the nice people who justice will work here?
Wufei: Did you say ~justice~? *sparkle sparkle*
Quatre: Hey! How come Wufei gets all the lines? I want to explain something!
Trowa: Little One, you're lucky. I haven't even gotten a line yet.
Quatre: ::big sad eyes:: Really? Oh, my poor li'l Trowa! RtG-chan, please have Trowa explain the trial system.
RtG-chan: Fine! Whatever! Just set up the plot!
Trowa: Lights!
The lights are switched off except for a spot on Trowa, who now wears a black scholar's robe and tassled hat. He stands in front of a blackboard diagram and hold a long pointer.
Trowa: Because the two kings come from such different backgrounds, they were unable to come up with a trial system that satisfied both Zechs' barbaric bloodlust and Treize's cool civility.
He hits the blackboard hard with the pointer, pointing to a crude drawing of Zechs and Treize yelling at each other.
Trowa: Zechs wanted to feed all the accused to his prized tigers -
He hits the blackboard again, this time at a picture of Zechs laughing (Pic-Zechs: WAHAHA!!) as stick figures are mauled to death by a crudely-drawn tiger.
Trowa: ... but Treize said that this gave the accused no chance to prove their innocence. He favored a lengthy and expensive trial-by-jury system, but Zechs said it would be too boring.
He points to a picture of Treize in a long judge's wig listening to a stick figure, with Zechs snoring in the background.
Trowa: Finally, they came to a compromise. The accused would have his or her fate in his or her own hands. They would be placed in front of two doors. Behind one would be a tiger. If they chose that one, they would have proven their guilt, and be consequently punished.
This time when he smacks the blackboard, the pointer snaps. He sweatdrops and throws it offstage, then merely gestures to a picture of a stick figure being mauled to death while Zechs points and laughs.
Trowa: Behind the other door would be a beautiful young maiden or handsome young man, depending on the sexual preference of the accused. If they chose this door, they must have been innocent. Treize would then arrange an enormously expensive and lengthy marriage between the accused and the beautiful person.
He points at a picture of Treize looking rather sappy (Pic-Treize: Awwww!!) as two stick figures say their vows.
Trowa: And that concludes today's lecture. You are excused.
The lights go up again. The blackboard is gone and Trowa is back to wearing the leopard-skin loincloth.
Everyone but Trowa: O_o;;
RtG-chan: Er - yeah... Anyway, in this kingdom there were also two low-born nobles who just happened to fall in love...
Duo enters, followed by Heero. Duo is in a black outfit similar to Treize's except he doesn't have a cape. He leers at Heero, who's wearing ~very~ short black leather shorts that lace up on the sides. He is also covered in body-enhancing "war-paint" and doesn't look too happy about it.
Duo: Oi, minna-san! ^_^
Heero: Omae o korosu, RtG-chan. I mean it. And it'll be painful, too.
Duo: Oh, loosen up!
Heero: Hn. Baka.
Duo: You bet! *V* ::kiss::
Heero: ::blush:: Hn...
RtG-chan: But anywho, the whole problem started when King Zech's li'l sis got a crush on Heero...
Black out. When the lights go up again, the set has changed to a crappy version of a lush bedroom. Pictures of Heero are EVERYWHERE. Relena enters, wearing a black leather miniskirt - urg - and a black leather tube-top - urg! - that shows off her cleavage - URG!!! Her "war paint" isn't body-enhancing, and makes her look rather like a psychotic clown. She flops down on her bed and picks up a picture of Heero glaring.
Duo: ::offstage:: ~Crush~?? More like totally obsessed and deluded!
RtG-chan: ... But Heero most notably did not reciprocate...
Relena: Oh, Heero... ::kisses picture and puts it down. The Heero in the picture now looks extrememly disgusted::
RtG-chan: This infatuation of Relena's wouldn't have been much of a problem either, except for one thing. Heero was relatively new to the palace, and hadn't quite got the knack of navigating it yet. He'd received a note from Duo for a secret lovers' encounter -
Duo: ::offstage:: She means SEX, minna!
RtG-chan:~Thank~ you, Duo.
Duo: ::offstage:: No problem! ^_^
RtG-chan: Anyway, Heero was looking for their secret meeting place and he got lost -
Heero: ::wondering onstage:: I'm ~not~ lost. I just don't know precisely where I am.
RtG-chan: ::snorts:: - and just like a directionally challenged man he never stopped to get directions -
Wufei: ::offstage:: Onna! How dare you!
Sally: ::offstage:: Quiet, slave! *whipcrack*
Wufei: ::offstage:: Eep!
RtG-chan: -so it was inevitable that bad luck would take him directly to Relena's room.
Relena: ::finally noticing Heero:: HEEEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOOOO!!!! *sparkle sparkle*
Heero: ::draws gun from spandex - er - leather space:: Damn. Not you again.
Relena: You've come to kiiiiiiiilllllllll meeeee!!!!! *sparkle sparkle*
Heero: Stay back. ::cocks gun and tries to sneak away::
Relena pays no attention to the gun and advances with hearts in her eyes and swirling around her head, but before anything drastic can happen, Zechs walks in.
Zechs: Relena, how many times have I told you not to shriek Heero Yuy's name at the top of your lungs? You just broke all the windows on the first six stories of the caslte again and - ::finally noticing Heero:: Oh. Lost again, Yuy?
Heero nods, and Relena takes advantage of his moment of distraction to glomp him around the neck. Heero gets a faceful of her paint-smeared cleavage -
Everyone but Relena: Squick!! O_o;;
- and faints dead away from the sheer horror of it all. Relena doesn't notice.
Relena: No! He isn't lost! He's my starcrossedlover, and he's been visiting me in secret for months!
Treize enters, holding a glass of cogniac in one hand and a leather leash in the other.
Treize: Milliard, have you dealt with your sister yet? I thought we were going to play with Wufei... ::twirls leash::
Wufei: Squick!! O_O;;;;; ::nosebleed::
Treize: ::noticing Heero:: Oh dear... What's all this then?
RtG-chan: With Heero unconscious and unable to defend himself, the kings had to accept Relena's words at face value. And wouldn't you just know it, there was a law about low-born nobles not being allowed to see the royal cleavage out of wedlock, so our Heero -
Everyone: ::groans at terrible pun::
RtG-chan: - was thrown into prison to await his trial.
Noin and Une come in. They both move to take Heero away at the same time, each grabbing an arm. They glare at each other. Une tugs Heero towards herself.
Une: I'll take care of this, Noin.
Noin: :: pulling Heero towards herself:: No, I can handle it.
Une: ::yanking Heero back:: No need to trouble yourself.
Noin: ::jerking Heero away from Une:: No need to be so insistent.
Their debate grows more and more heated and poor li'l Heero is pulled back and forth in a tug-of-war. Heero, who of course isn't really unconscious (it's called ACTING, folks) sweatdrops, but otherwise remains in character as the argument goes on... and on... and on.... -___-;;
Duo: ::coming on stage:: Taking bets on the winner!
Wufei: ::following Duo and wiping away the last traces of blood from his face:: I'm betting on Une, she's one ruthless onna.
Sally: ::following Wufei:: Noin's gonna win for sure! C'mon, Lucy! *sparkle sparkle*
Treize: Ah, Dragon, there you are! ::smirks and approaches Wufei, twirling the leash again::
Wufei: Eep! O_o;;;; ::dashes off the set pinching his nose so the blood won't shoot out... is followed closely by Treize::
Une: ::distracted by seeing Treize go:: Treize-sama?
Noin takes advantage of her distraction and gives a decisive heave, toppling Heero onto herself. They fall and land in a heap. Sally crows gloatingly, then she and Duo both are pulled offstage by old-fashioned stage hooks. Une pulls Heero up and plops him over her shoulder, then runs offstage as well with a victorious cackle.
Noin: ::getting up:: Hey! ::persues Une::
Zechs sighs and gives Relena a look of doom. Then he goes off to find Treize and Wufei, leaving Relena all by herself.
Relena: ::bursting into overly-dramatic tears that make her look and sound like a retarded wallaby:: WAHHHH!!! Woe is me! Alas, my lover has been arrested! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! He'll either die or be married off to gods know who!
Quatre: ::offstage:: I'm sure ~no one~ can guess who, either, ~especially~ when it says it in the title.
Trowa: ::offstage:: Geeze, you get persnickety when you don't get lines.
Abruptly, Relena stops crying and a lightbulb appears over her head. It turns on, then burns out. She taps it a few times and it flickers on again. A look of elated dawning understanding spreads across her face. Unfortunately, with all her crying her "war paint" has gotten smeared, and this combined with her expression makes her look even more like a jester with schizophrenia.
Relena: I know! I'll find out which fate is behind which door, then tell Heero which one to go to!
Black out.
RtG-chan: Of course, it didn't occur to her that Heero probably wouldn't listen to her if she told him which one to go to. So, unencumbered by common sense, she traveled down to the dungeons under the ampitheater where her lackey worked cleaning out the tiger cages.
Scene opens on - you guessed it! - a crappy version of what was supposed to be tiger cages. Relena walks in front of them as the people backstage make "tiger" noises.
Everyone backstage: Roar. Roar.
Relena: DOOOOROOOOTHYYYY!!!
Dorothy emerges from a tiger cage in dirtly coveralls and carrying a mop and bucket.
Dorothy: You called, Relena-sama? *sparkle sparkle*
Relena: Yes. Do you know where they choose who goes behind which doors for the trials?
Dorothy: Of course, Relena-sama. Would you like me to show you?
Relena: Yes!
RtG-chan: And so Dorothy took Relena to where they chose which beautiful person to put behind one of the doors.
Relena and Dorothy peer around a corner to see Noin and Une standing with clip-boards in front of two closed doors. Before them stand Duo, Hilde, and Sylvia Noventa. The two Amazonian bodyguards compare marks on their clipboards and appear to make a decision.
Quatre: ::offstage:: Bet you're all on the edge of your seats, waiting to find out who it's going to be, too.
Noin: Well, we've finally decided who is going to be Heero's betrothed should he turn out to be innocent.
Une: Noventa, you're out.
Sylvia: But - ::eyes welling up with tears:: but why?
Noin:Those barrettes do ~nothing~ for you.
Sylvia: Waah! ::runs off crying::
Une: Hilde, you're out, too.
Duo: Haha! Shinigami 179, Hilde 0.
Hilde: Damn!
Noin: ::surprised:: You mean you actually thought you had a chance?
Hilde: Yeah, why not?
Une: You're not very smart, are you?
Hilde: Uhhh...
Noin: I think you confused her.
Une: ::to Hilde:: Scram!
Hilde: Uh, ok... ::wonders off::
Duo: All right! Which door do you want me to go in?
Une: Pick one. I have to be off now. Treize-sama's roses don't water themselves. ::exits::
Duo: Actually, I think I'll go freshen up first. I want to look just right for my wedding this evening, you know? ::bounds away::
Noin sighs and starts to walk away when Sally steps out ot the shadows and glomps onto her.
Sally: I like your outfit, Lu. ^_^
Noin: Sally! *sparkle sparkle* I like yours too.
Sally: Thanks! ...You know, Trowa moved all the alligators out of the moat when he cleaned it, and he hasn't had time to put them back yet. You wanna go for a swim?
Noin: But I don't have a swimming suit and - ::notices Sally's leer:: - oh...
Sally: C'mon! We'll go out back where no one will see.
Noin: ...Well... all right...
They kiss briefly and run off together. Dorothy looks at Relena wistfully (*sparkle sparkle*) but Relena is busy having a fit of rage.
Relena: Those... those ~vile~ women... They chose ~him~??!?! Heero's either going to die or get married to that braided ~idiot~?!??!
Dorothy: Shh! Relena-sama, someone's coming!
Trowa and an obviously sulking Quatre walk onto the set.
Quatre: You know, Trowa, this fic really sucks. We're hardly in it at all. ~I'm~ hardly in it at all. It's not fair!
Trowa: Well, you know, I'm very grateful to you for convincing RtG-chan to let me have a few lines. I hate it when fanfic authors just have me say ".............." all the time.
Quatre: ::li'l kawaii leer:: Oh yeah? Just ~how~ grateful are you?
Trowa: Grateful enough to ::leans over and whispers into Quatre's ear::
Quatre: ::eyes widen and a slight flush appears on his cheeks:: Well then! What are we waiting for? C'mon!
They run off down the hallway to - er - do something. Meanwhile, Dorothy is trying to maneuver herself into a position in which she can keep an eye out for people coming down the hallway and see Relena's cleavage at the same time. Relena isn't even paying attention, seeming to have gone off into her own little world.
Relena: ::mumbling:: My precious, my precious..... golem..... they've taken him, my precious..... golem golem....... the braided one's taken him, my precious....... golem...... golem.....
RtG-chan: But for all her Tolkein-esque ramblings, she still hadn't found out which door Duo was going to go in, nor which one the tiger would be put in. So she had to wait till Duo returned or Trowa, who also worked as a tiger tamer, took the tiger in. But the - ahem! - ~poor~ princess was soooo tired, and it was soooo boring waiting....
Dorothy and Relena: ::curled up together:: ZZZZZZZZZ.....
RtG-chan: And they didn't wake up until the trumpets sounded, signaling the start of the trial.
Treize: ::offstage:: Have Zechs do the fanfare. He can blow almost anything.
Everyone: Squick! O_o;;
Treize: You hentai people! I meant instruments! ::sweatdrop:: Milliard, just play the bloody fanfare.
Zechs: ::sweatdrop:: ::plays fanfare rather well::
Relena: ::waking up:: Oh no! It's the trial, and I don't know which door to tell Heero to take!
Dorothy: Just pick one and go with it.
RtG-chan: And with that, Relena ran up to the throne room.
Black out. Lights up on the original set. Relena enters and rushes to the balcony that overlooks the ampitheater.
Wufei: ::from beside Treize's throne with the leash around his neck and a kleenex box next to him in case of emergency:: Down in front!
In the ampitheater, Heero is positioned in front of two identical doors by Une, who then skidaddles, just in case the tiger is hungry for more than just Heero. Heero looks disgruntled and glares up at Zecsh and Treize, who have the decency to look apologetic. Relena bounces up and down and waves her arms to get his attention. He turns his glare on her, the source of most of his current problems.
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOOOOO!!!! Pick the door on the right! The door on the RIIIIIGHT!!
Heero: Screw you!
Ignoring Relena's frantic screams, he walks unerringly to the left door and opens it.
Black out.
RtG-chan: Now, the question is, which did he get? The Duo, or the tiger?
There is a long pause.
Wufei: ::from somewhere on the darkened set:: You call ~that~ an ending?
Treize: ::from a location similar to Wufei's:: You put us all through that horrible torture and you don't even have the honor to finish the story?
RtG-chan: Hey! That's how the original story ends! It's a classic cliff-hangar. It's ~literature~. Do you want me to mess with that?
Everyone: Hell yeah!
RtG-chan: Oh. All right, then.
Lights up. Heero walks unerringly to the door on the left and opens it.
Quatre: Haha! I finally get a bigger part!
Quatre, dressed in a Tigger costume, leaps out of the room and tackles Heero.
Quatre: Roar! Roar! ::makes clawing motions with his hands::
Heero: -_-;;
Everyone else: O_O
Treize: Well.... That wasn't expected, was it?
Wufei: I dunno. Was it?
Quatre: Roar! ::pausing and looking beseechingly at Heero:: I'm mauling you, Heero. You've got to look like you're being mauled.
Heero: ::looks a little pained for Quatre's sake, because no one can resist a beseeching Quatre:: Ow. You're hurting me. Matte.
Quatre: ^_^ That's the spirit! Roar!!
Trowa: ::coming down to the ampitheater and gently pulling Quatre off Heero:: That's enough, Little One. I think he's been mauled enough.
Quatre: Thanks for the great idea, Trowa. I love you. ^_^ ::kiss::
Trowa: ::blush:: //_^
Relena: What that hell was that? No bloodshed? No dead Heero?
Zechs: ::to Treize:: Since he wasn't killed by the - uh - "tiger", does that make him innocent?
Treize: ::shrugs:: May as well.
Wufei: But if he's innocent, shouldn't he get married?
Treize: ::tugs the leash playfully:: Good point, my darling little Dragon.
Wufei: ::blush:: Kisama!
Treize: Bring out Heero's betrothed!
Heero: Don't mind if I do. ::goes to the door on the right and opens it::
Duo: ::pops out and leaps into Heero's arms:: Hello, koi! Didja miss me? ::kiss::
Heero: Hn. Baka. ::secret li'l smirk::
Duo: I love you, too.
Treize: Do you, Heero Yuy, take Duo Maxwell to have and to hold as long as you both shall live?
Heero: Hai.
Zechs: Do you, Duo Maxwell, take Heero Yuy to have and to hold as long as you both shall live?
Duo: You bet! *V*
Treize: I now pronounce you man and w- ::stops when he sees their deadly glares:: - I mean, man and - er - ...husband?
Zechs: Close enough.
Wufei: Yuy, you can kiss the bride now.
Duo: Hey! Wu-chan, you are sooo dea- mmph! ::is silenced by Heero in a fun and interesting way ^_~ ::
Wufei: But that wasn't very lengthy or very expensive. Didn't Trowa say in his explaination that -
Relena: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: ::shudders and covers their ears::
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HOW COULD YOOOOOUUUU????
Heero: Easy. Like this. ::kisses Duo again::
Relena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Relena runs away screaming and dives into the moat.
RtG-chan: Fortunately for everyone else but unfortunately for Relena, after Sally and Noin had vacated the moat for a more horizontal locale -
Duo: She means they left to have SEX!
RtG-chan: ::sigh:: ~Thank~ you, Duo. After they'd left, Trowa had coaxed the alligators back into the water.
Relena: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! ALLIGATORS!!!
Dorothy: Don't worry, Relena-sama! I'll save you! ::dives in after Relena:: Back, you reptillian fiend! Back!
Somehow or another, Dorothy has managed to use her eyebrows as swords. She stabs the alligators, scoops up Relena into her arms, and swims to shore.
Relena: Thanks, Dorothy. You can put me down now.
Dorothy: ::looking like the scary-eyebrow freak that she is:: No, I don't think so, Relena-sama.
Relena: What do you mean, "No"?
Dorothy: Bwahahahahaha!!!!
And with that, Dorothy ran off with Relena into the sunset.
THE END
::wheeze:: Well, it's over... And once again a happy ending for all, except Relena. ^_^ Bwahaha!
Heero: You made Relena right, though. She told me to pick the door with Duo behind it.
RtG-chan: -_-;;; Oops....
Quatre: You hardly gave me any lines at all!
RtG-chan: Sorry....
Wufei: You gave Sally a whip and Treize a bondage fetish!
RtG-chan: It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Heero: You took away my spandex and put me in make-up!
Duo: Actually, I kinda like that part... ::receives glare o' doom:: ^^;; eheheh.... I mean, death to RtG-chan!
Trowa: But I was rather pleased by my part in the fic.
Everyone: ::glares at Trowa::
Trowa: Er - nevermind... I'll just go over ~there~ for a little while... ::runs away::
Well, looks like I'm going to be a Swiss Cheese authoress by the time my stupid muses run out of ideas for Shoot the Author! Productions. Anyway, let's get on with it...
Eros: Ready!
G-boys (excluding Trowa): ::draw and cock guns::
Eros: Aim!
G-boys (sans Trowa): ::aim guns::
Thalia: Hey! What do you want on your Tombstone?
Canadian bacon and pineapple, please. ^_^
Everyone: ::shudders at horrible joke::
Eros: Fire!
G-boys (yes, still without Trowa): Gladly!
But before they can shoot, Noin leaps out of nowhere and shoots first.
Everyone:............... O_O;;
Noin.... why? ::cough::
Noin: I didn't get Zechs. ::pouty::
Sally: ::entering from nowhere:: What am I, chopped liver?
Noin: Oh, sorry, Sal. It's just the principal of the thing. ::runs off with Sally::
Eros: -_-;; Ooooooh-kaaaaaay..... Um, while we call the ambulance, you people have to review. Review, damn you!! ARRRRG!
Thalia: ::on phone:: - yeah, the address is http://www.fanfiction.net. You'll be here in under half an hour, right? Good! ::hangs up phone:: Good news!
Eros: What? Did you get the ambulance?
Thalia: Oops... knew I was forgetting something... Oh well! I was ordering some pizzas - ::everyone sweatdrops:: - for the cast party. You guys comin'?
G-boys: Sure! ::run off with Thalia to the cast party::
Eros: ::looking guiltily at the authoress:: Well.... maybe she won't lose ~too~ much blood... Hey guys! Wait for me!! ::runs after G-boys and Thalia::
::wheeze:: re- review... m-minna-san.... review....
Thalia: Here she is, straight from the ICU, our - ahem - ~favorite~ authoress, Rebecca the Great!
::wheeze:: Hi minna... You thought a little ~bullet~ could stop me? ::sits up and shakes a fist:: Well you're wrong! Bwahahaha!! ::is pushed back onto the bed the "nurse":: Ahem! .. Well, anywho, my muses are unsympathetic towards my condition ::wheeze:: and have forced me to write another parody...
G-boys: ::polish hand-guns::
Eep! Er, well, um... the fic must go on!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and such, and "The Lady, or the Tiger?" is by Frank R. Stockton. Don't sue me! And there's probably spelling and typing errors. Sorry! ^^;
The Duo, or the Tiger?
A Shoot the Author! Production
by Rebecca the Great
Scene opens on a crappy version of what was supposed to be a lush throne room overlooking an ampitheater.
RtG-chan: Once upon a time, there were two kingdoms, one civilized and one barbaric.
Treize and Zechs enter, followed by Une and Noin respectively. Treize is dressed in a white satin shirt, blue silk pants, and a rich blue velvet cape. Une wears ablue and white military uniform and glares at Noin, who's wearing Valkyrie armor and a winged helmet. Zechs only has tight black leather pants on , but the rest of him is covered in "war paint."
Duo: ::off-stage:: ::wolf-whistle:: Sexy Zechsy!
Zechs: Is this really necessary?
RtG-chan and Treize: ::wiping drool:: YES!
RtG-chan: And despite the objections of their body-guards-
Noin tackles Une. A dust cloud gathers around them and from inside come cat-fight noises. It gradually rolls offstage. Thumps and crashes sound from the wings.
RtG-chan: ::sweatdrop:: -the two kings of the kingdoms fell in love and got married, thus uniting their realms. But due to culture shock, they had quite a few disagreements on how to govern. One thing in particular was the punishment of criminals. Then one day while being waited on by their slaves...
Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei enter as Treize and Zechs sit down. Both Quatre and Trowa carry large feather fans, and Wufei holds a bunch of grapes. They all look profoundly embarrassed because the only clothing they have on are small leopard-skin loincloths.
Wufei: I don't see what ~you're~ complaining about, Zechs.
Quatre: And why are we slaves? There weren't any slaves in the original story.
RtG-chan: That's beside the point! There weren't enough parts to go around, so I added a few. Now get back in character.
Trowa and Quatre sigh and begin fanning Zechs and Treize. Wufei just stands there, glaring at everyone.
RtG-chan: ::sigh:: Wufei, -
Wufei: No! I won't do it!
RtG-chan: Please?
Wufei: No way!
RtG-chan: All right. I tried to ask nicely, now we have to do this the hard way. ::deep breath:: SAAAALLLYYY!!!!!
Wufei: ::pales:: Uh-oh... I've got a bad feeling...
Sally enters clad in Xena armor and carrying a big-ass whip.
Treize: What are you supposed to be?
Sally: The slave overseer.
Wufei: ::to RtG-chan:: I'll get you for this, onna! Just you wait till the end of the fic!
Sally cracks the whip, and Wufei jumps a bit.
Sally: Slave! Get to work!
Wufei, with a "Someone's gonna die!" look on his face, kneels beside Treize's throne. Under Sally's firm glare, he reluctantly picks a grape from the bunch and offers it to Treize. The older man takes it from Wufei's fingers with his teeth and looks smug. Wufei shudders dramatically as Sally and Zechs snicker. He glares at the room in general.
RtG-chan: But back to the story, where was I.... Oh, yeah! One day whlie being waited on by their slaves, they had an argument over the justice system in their kingdom.
Zechs and Treize share a bewildered look.
Zechs: ::whispering to Treize out of the corner of his mouth:: Did you know about a fight scene?
Treize: No.
RtG-chan: ::exasperated sigh:: Didn't you guys read the script?
Everyone: There was a script?!
RtG-chan: ::sweatdrop:: Yes! Here! ::throws script at Treize::
Treize opens it and flips to the fight scene. Zechs leans over in his throne trying to see.
Treize: You call ~this~ a script?
RtG-chan: Hey!
Zechs: Is it that bad?
Trieze: Yes. See for yourself. ::hands script to Zechs::
Zechs: You're right. I refuse to say these lines. ::throws script offstage and there's the sound of a cat screeching and glass shattering::
RtG-chan: But what about the important plot set-up?
Treize: Easy. Dragon, mind explaining to the nice people who justice will work here?
Wufei: Did you say ~justice~? *sparkle sparkle*
Quatre: Hey! How come Wufei gets all the lines? I want to explain something!
Trowa: Little One, you're lucky. I haven't even gotten a line yet.
Quatre: ::big sad eyes:: Really? Oh, my poor li'l Trowa! RtG-chan, please have Trowa explain the trial system.
RtG-chan: Fine! Whatever! Just set up the plot!
Trowa: Lights!
The lights are switched off except for a spot on Trowa, who now wears a black scholar's robe and tassled hat. He stands in front of a blackboard diagram and hold a long pointer.
Trowa: Because the two kings come from such different backgrounds, they were unable to come up with a trial system that satisfied both Zechs' barbaric bloodlust and Treize's cool civility.
He hits the blackboard hard with the pointer, pointing to a crude drawing of Zechs and Treize yelling at each other.
Trowa: Zechs wanted to feed all the accused to his prized tigers -
He hits the blackboard again, this time at a picture of Zechs laughing (Pic-Zechs: WAHAHA!!) as stick figures are mauled to death by a crudely-drawn tiger.
Trowa: ... but Treize said that this gave the accused no chance to prove their innocence. He favored a lengthy and expensive trial-by-jury system, but Zechs said it would be too boring.
He points to a picture of Treize in a long judge's wig listening to a stick figure, with Zechs snoring in the background.
Trowa: Finally, they came to a compromise. The accused would have his or her fate in his or her own hands. They would be placed in front of two doors. Behind one would be a tiger. If they chose that one, they would have proven their guilt, and be consequently punished.
This time when he smacks the blackboard, the pointer snaps. He sweatdrops and throws it offstage, then merely gestures to a picture of a stick figure being mauled to death while Zechs points and laughs.
Trowa: Behind the other door would be a beautiful young maiden or handsome young man, depending on the sexual preference of the accused. If they chose this door, they must have been innocent. Treize would then arrange an enormously expensive and lengthy marriage between the accused and the beautiful person.
He points at a picture of Treize looking rather sappy (Pic-Treize: Awwww!!) as two stick figures say their vows.
Trowa: And that concludes today's lecture. You are excused.
The lights go up again. The blackboard is gone and Trowa is back to wearing the leopard-skin loincloth.
Everyone but Trowa: O_o;;
RtG-chan: Er - yeah... Anyway, in this kingdom there were also two low-born nobles who just happened to fall in love...
Duo enters, followed by Heero. Duo is in a black outfit similar to Treize's except he doesn't have a cape. He leers at Heero, who's wearing ~very~ short black leather shorts that lace up on the sides. He is also covered in body-enhancing "war-paint" and doesn't look too happy about it.
Duo: Oi, minna-san! ^_^
Heero: Omae o korosu, RtG-chan. I mean it. And it'll be painful, too.
Duo: Oh, loosen up!
Heero: Hn. Baka.
Duo: You bet! *V* ::kiss::
Heero: ::blush:: Hn...
RtG-chan: But anywho, the whole problem started when King Zech's li'l sis got a crush on Heero...
Black out. When the lights go up again, the set has changed to a crappy version of a lush bedroom. Pictures of Heero are EVERYWHERE. Relena enters, wearing a black leather miniskirt - urg - and a black leather tube-top - urg! - that shows off her cleavage - URG!!! Her "war paint" isn't body-enhancing, and makes her look rather like a psychotic clown. She flops down on her bed and picks up a picture of Heero glaring.
Duo: ::offstage:: ~Crush~?? More like totally obsessed and deluded!
RtG-chan: ... But Heero most notably did not reciprocate...
Relena: Oh, Heero... ::kisses picture and puts it down. The Heero in the picture now looks extrememly disgusted::
RtG-chan: This infatuation of Relena's wouldn't have been much of a problem either, except for one thing. Heero was relatively new to the palace, and hadn't quite got the knack of navigating it yet. He'd received a note from Duo for a secret lovers' encounter -
Duo: ::offstage:: She means SEX, minna!
RtG-chan:~Thank~ you, Duo.
Duo: ::offstage:: No problem! ^_^
RtG-chan: Anyway, Heero was looking for their secret meeting place and he got lost -
Heero: ::wondering onstage:: I'm ~not~ lost. I just don't know precisely where I am.
RtG-chan: ::snorts:: - and just like a directionally challenged man he never stopped to get directions -
Wufei: ::offstage:: Onna! How dare you!
Sally: ::offstage:: Quiet, slave! *whipcrack*
Wufei: ::offstage:: Eep!
RtG-chan: -so it was inevitable that bad luck would take him directly to Relena's room.
Relena: ::finally noticing Heero:: HEEEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOOOO!!!! *sparkle sparkle*
Heero: ::draws gun from spandex - er - leather space:: Damn. Not you again.
Relena: You've come to kiiiiiiiilllllllll meeeee!!!!! *sparkle sparkle*
Heero: Stay back. ::cocks gun and tries to sneak away::
Relena pays no attention to the gun and advances with hearts in her eyes and swirling around her head, but before anything drastic can happen, Zechs walks in.
Zechs: Relena, how many times have I told you not to shriek Heero Yuy's name at the top of your lungs? You just broke all the windows on the first six stories of the caslte again and - ::finally noticing Heero:: Oh. Lost again, Yuy?
Heero nods, and Relena takes advantage of his moment of distraction to glomp him around the neck. Heero gets a faceful of her paint-smeared cleavage -
Everyone but Relena: Squick!! O_o;;
- and faints dead away from the sheer horror of it all. Relena doesn't notice.
Relena: No! He isn't lost! He's my starcrossedlover, and he's been visiting me in secret for months!
Treize enters, holding a glass of cogniac in one hand and a leather leash in the other.
Treize: Milliard, have you dealt with your sister yet? I thought we were going to play with Wufei... ::twirls leash::
Wufei: Squick!! O_O;;;;; ::nosebleed::
Treize: ::noticing Heero:: Oh dear... What's all this then?
RtG-chan: With Heero unconscious and unable to defend himself, the kings had to accept Relena's words at face value. And wouldn't you just know it, there was a law about low-born nobles not being allowed to see the royal cleavage out of wedlock, so our Heero -
Everyone: ::groans at terrible pun::
RtG-chan: - was thrown into prison to await his trial.
Noin and Une come in. They both move to take Heero away at the same time, each grabbing an arm. They glare at each other. Une tugs Heero towards herself.
Une: I'll take care of this, Noin.
Noin: :: pulling Heero towards herself:: No, I can handle it.
Une: ::yanking Heero back:: No need to trouble yourself.
Noin: ::jerking Heero away from Une:: No need to be so insistent.
Their debate grows more and more heated and poor li'l Heero is pulled back and forth in a tug-of-war. Heero, who of course isn't really unconscious (it's called ACTING, folks) sweatdrops, but otherwise remains in character as the argument goes on... and on... and on.... -___-;;
Duo: ::coming on stage:: Taking bets on the winner!
Wufei: ::following Duo and wiping away the last traces of blood from his face:: I'm betting on Une, she's one ruthless onna.
Sally: ::following Wufei:: Noin's gonna win for sure! C'mon, Lucy! *sparkle sparkle*
Treize: Ah, Dragon, there you are! ::smirks and approaches Wufei, twirling the leash again::
Wufei: Eep! O_o;;;; ::dashes off the set pinching his nose so the blood won't shoot out... is followed closely by Treize::
Une: ::distracted by seeing Treize go:: Treize-sama?
Noin takes advantage of her distraction and gives a decisive heave, toppling Heero onto herself. They fall and land in a heap. Sally crows gloatingly, then she and Duo both are pulled offstage by old-fashioned stage hooks. Une pulls Heero up and plops him over her shoulder, then runs offstage as well with a victorious cackle.
Noin: ::getting up:: Hey! ::persues Une::
Zechs sighs and gives Relena a look of doom. Then he goes off to find Treize and Wufei, leaving Relena all by herself.
Relena: ::bursting into overly-dramatic tears that make her look and sound like a retarded wallaby:: WAHHHH!!! Woe is me! Alas, my lover has been arrested! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! He'll either die or be married off to gods know who!
Quatre: ::offstage:: I'm sure ~no one~ can guess who, either, ~especially~ when it says it in the title.
Trowa: ::offstage:: Geeze, you get persnickety when you don't get lines.
Abruptly, Relena stops crying and a lightbulb appears over her head. It turns on, then burns out. She taps it a few times and it flickers on again. A look of elated dawning understanding spreads across her face. Unfortunately, with all her crying her "war paint" has gotten smeared, and this combined with her expression makes her look even more like a jester with schizophrenia.
Relena: I know! I'll find out which fate is behind which door, then tell Heero which one to go to!
Black out.
RtG-chan: Of course, it didn't occur to her that Heero probably wouldn't listen to her if she told him which one to go to. So, unencumbered by common sense, she traveled down to the dungeons under the ampitheater where her lackey worked cleaning out the tiger cages.
Scene opens on - you guessed it! - a crappy version of what was supposed to be tiger cages. Relena walks in front of them as the people backstage make "tiger" noises.
Everyone backstage: Roar. Roar.
Relena: DOOOOROOOOTHYYYY!!!
Dorothy emerges from a tiger cage in dirtly coveralls and carrying a mop and bucket.
Dorothy: You called, Relena-sama? *sparkle sparkle*
Relena: Yes. Do you know where they choose who goes behind which doors for the trials?
Dorothy: Of course, Relena-sama. Would you like me to show you?
Relena: Yes!
RtG-chan: And so Dorothy took Relena to where they chose which beautiful person to put behind one of the doors.
Relena and Dorothy peer around a corner to see Noin and Une standing with clip-boards in front of two closed doors. Before them stand Duo, Hilde, and Sylvia Noventa. The two Amazonian bodyguards compare marks on their clipboards and appear to make a decision.
Quatre: ::offstage:: Bet you're all on the edge of your seats, waiting to find out who it's going to be, too.
Noin: Well, we've finally decided who is going to be Heero's betrothed should he turn out to be innocent.
Une: Noventa, you're out.
Sylvia: But - ::eyes welling up with tears:: but why?
Noin:Those barrettes do ~nothing~ for you.
Sylvia: Waah! ::runs off crying::
Une: Hilde, you're out, too.
Duo: Haha! Shinigami 179, Hilde 0.
Hilde: Damn!
Noin: ::surprised:: You mean you actually thought you had a chance?
Hilde: Yeah, why not?
Une: You're not very smart, are you?
Hilde: Uhhh...
Noin: I think you confused her.
Une: ::to Hilde:: Scram!
Hilde: Uh, ok... ::wonders off::
Duo: All right! Which door do you want me to go in?
Une: Pick one. I have to be off now. Treize-sama's roses don't water themselves. ::exits::
Duo: Actually, I think I'll go freshen up first. I want to look just right for my wedding this evening, you know? ::bounds away::
Noin sighs and starts to walk away when Sally steps out ot the shadows and glomps onto her.
Sally: I like your outfit, Lu. ^_^
Noin: Sally! *sparkle sparkle* I like yours too.
Sally: Thanks! ...You know, Trowa moved all the alligators out of the moat when he cleaned it, and he hasn't had time to put them back yet. You wanna go for a swim?
Noin: But I don't have a swimming suit and - ::notices Sally's leer:: - oh...
Sally: C'mon! We'll go out back where no one will see.
Noin: ...Well... all right...
They kiss briefly and run off together. Dorothy looks at Relena wistfully (*sparkle sparkle*) but Relena is busy having a fit of rage.
Relena: Those... those ~vile~ women... They chose ~him~??!?! Heero's either going to die or get married to that braided ~idiot~?!??!
Dorothy: Shh! Relena-sama, someone's coming!
Trowa and an obviously sulking Quatre walk onto the set.
Quatre: You know, Trowa, this fic really sucks. We're hardly in it at all. ~I'm~ hardly in it at all. It's not fair!
Trowa: Well, you know, I'm very grateful to you for convincing RtG-chan to let me have a few lines. I hate it when fanfic authors just have me say ".............." all the time.
Quatre: ::li'l kawaii leer:: Oh yeah? Just ~how~ grateful are you?
Trowa: Grateful enough to ::leans over and whispers into Quatre's ear::
Quatre: ::eyes widen and a slight flush appears on his cheeks:: Well then! What are we waiting for? C'mon!
They run off down the hallway to - er - do something. Meanwhile, Dorothy is trying to maneuver herself into a position in which she can keep an eye out for people coming down the hallway and see Relena's cleavage at the same time. Relena isn't even paying attention, seeming to have gone off into her own little world.
Relena: ::mumbling:: My precious, my precious..... golem..... they've taken him, my precious..... golem golem....... the braided one's taken him, my precious....... golem...... golem.....
RtG-chan: But for all her Tolkein-esque ramblings, she still hadn't found out which door Duo was going to go in, nor which one the tiger would be put in. So she had to wait till Duo returned or Trowa, who also worked as a tiger tamer, took the tiger in. But the - ahem! - ~poor~ princess was soooo tired, and it was soooo boring waiting....
Dorothy and Relena: ::curled up together:: ZZZZZZZZZ.....
RtG-chan: And they didn't wake up until the trumpets sounded, signaling the start of the trial.
Treize: ::offstage:: Have Zechs do the fanfare. He can blow almost anything.
Everyone: Squick! O_o;;
Treize: You hentai people! I meant instruments! ::sweatdrop:: Milliard, just play the bloody fanfare.
Zechs: ::sweatdrop:: ::plays fanfare rather well::
Relena: ::waking up:: Oh no! It's the trial, and I don't know which door to tell Heero to take!
Dorothy: Just pick one and go with it.
RtG-chan: And with that, Relena ran up to the throne room.
Black out. Lights up on the original set. Relena enters and rushes to the balcony that overlooks the ampitheater.
Wufei: ::from beside Treize's throne with the leash around his neck and a kleenex box next to him in case of emergency:: Down in front!
In the ampitheater, Heero is positioned in front of two identical doors by Une, who then skidaddles, just in case the tiger is hungry for more than just Heero. Heero looks disgruntled and glares up at Zecsh and Treize, who have the decency to look apologetic. Relena bounces up and down and waves her arms to get his attention. He turns his glare on her, the source of most of his current problems.
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOOOOO!!!! Pick the door on the right! The door on the RIIIIIGHT!!
Heero: Screw you!
Ignoring Relena's frantic screams, he walks unerringly to the left door and opens it.
Black out.
RtG-chan: Now, the question is, which did he get? The Duo, or the tiger?
There is a long pause.
Wufei: ::from somewhere on the darkened set:: You call ~that~ an ending?
Treize: ::from a location similar to Wufei's:: You put us all through that horrible torture and you don't even have the honor to finish the story?
RtG-chan: Hey! That's how the original story ends! It's a classic cliff-hangar. It's ~literature~. Do you want me to mess with that?
Everyone: Hell yeah!
RtG-chan: Oh. All right, then.
Lights up. Heero walks unerringly to the door on the left and opens it.
Quatre: Haha! I finally get a bigger part!
Quatre, dressed in a Tigger costume, leaps out of the room and tackles Heero.
Quatre: Roar! Roar! ::makes clawing motions with his hands::
Heero: -_-;;
Everyone else: O_O
Treize: Well.... That wasn't expected, was it?
Wufei: I dunno. Was it?
Quatre: Roar! ::pausing and looking beseechingly at Heero:: I'm mauling you, Heero. You've got to look like you're being mauled.
Heero: ::looks a little pained for Quatre's sake, because no one can resist a beseeching Quatre:: Ow. You're hurting me. Matte.
Quatre: ^_^ That's the spirit! Roar!!
Trowa: ::coming down to the ampitheater and gently pulling Quatre off Heero:: That's enough, Little One. I think he's been mauled enough.
Quatre: Thanks for the great idea, Trowa. I love you. ^_^ ::kiss::
Trowa: ::blush:: //_^
Relena: What that hell was that? No bloodshed? No dead Heero?
Zechs: ::to Treize:: Since he wasn't killed by the - uh - "tiger", does that make him innocent?
Treize: ::shrugs:: May as well.
Wufei: But if he's innocent, shouldn't he get married?
Treize: ::tugs the leash playfully:: Good point, my darling little Dragon.
Wufei: ::blush:: Kisama!
Treize: Bring out Heero's betrothed!
Heero: Don't mind if I do. ::goes to the door on the right and opens it::
Duo: ::pops out and leaps into Heero's arms:: Hello, koi! Didja miss me? ::kiss::
Heero: Hn. Baka. ::secret li'l smirk::
Duo: I love you, too.
Treize: Do you, Heero Yuy, take Duo Maxwell to have and to hold as long as you both shall live?
Heero: Hai.
Zechs: Do you, Duo Maxwell, take Heero Yuy to have and to hold as long as you both shall live?
Duo: You bet! *V*
Treize: I now pronounce you man and w- ::stops when he sees their deadly glares:: - I mean, man and - er - ...husband?
Zechs: Close enough.
Wufei: Yuy, you can kiss the bride now.
Duo: Hey! Wu-chan, you are sooo dea- mmph! ::is silenced by Heero in a fun and interesting way ^_~ ::
Wufei: But that wasn't very lengthy or very expensive. Didn't Trowa say in his explaination that -
Relena: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: ::shudders and covers their ears::
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HOW COULD YOOOOOUUUU????
Heero: Easy. Like this. ::kisses Duo again::
Relena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Relena runs away screaming and dives into the moat.
RtG-chan: Fortunately for everyone else but unfortunately for Relena, after Sally and Noin had vacated the moat for a more horizontal locale -
Duo: She means they left to have SEX!
RtG-chan: ::sigh:: ~Thank~ you, Duo. After they'd left, Trowa had coaxed the alligators back into the water.
Relena: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! ALLIGATORS!!!
Dorothy: Don't worry, Relena-sama! I'll save you! ::dives in after Relena:: Back, you reptillian fiend! Back!
Somehow or another, Dorothy has managed to use her eyebrows as swords. She stabs the alligators, scoops up Relena into her arms, and swims to shore.
Relena: Thanks, Dorothy. You can put me down now.
Dorothy: ::looking like the scary-eyebrow freak that she is:: No, I don't think so, Relena-sama.
Relena: What do you mean, "No"?
Dorothy: Bwahahahahaha!!!!
And with that, Dorothy ran off with Relena into the sunset.
THE END
::wheeze:: Well, it's over... And once again a happy ending for all, except Relena. ^_^ Bwahaha!
Heero: You made Relena right, though. She told me to pick the door with Duo behind it.
RtG-chan: -_-;;; Oops....
Quatre: You hardly gave me any lines at all!
RtG-chan: Sorry....
Wufei: You gave Sally a whip and Treize a bondage fetish!
RtG-chan: It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Heero: You took away my spandex and put me in make-up!
Duo: Actually, I kinda like that part... ::receives glare o' doom:: ^^;; eheheh.... I mean, death to RtG-chan!
Trowa: But I was rather pleased by my part in the fic.
Everyone: ::glares at Trowa::
Trowa: Er - nevermind... I'll just go over ~there~ for a little while... ::runs away::
Well, looks like I'm going to be a Swiss Cheese authoress by the time my stupid muses run out of ideas for Shoot the Author! Productions. Anyway, let's get on with it...
Eros: Ready!
G-boys (excluding Trowa): ::draw and cock guns::
Eros: Aim!
G-boys (sans Trowa): ::aim guns::
Thalia: Hey! What do you want on your Tombstone?
Canadian bacon and pineapple, please. ^_^
Everyone: ::shudders at horrible joke::
Eros: Fire!
G-boys (yes, still without Trowa): Gladly!
But before they can shoot, Noin leaps out of nowhere and shoots first.
Everyone:............... O_O;;
Noin.... why? ::cough::
Noin: I didn't get Zechs. ::pouty::
Sally: ::entering from nowhere:: What am I, chopped liver?
Noin: Oh, sorry, Sal. It's just the principal of the thing. ::runs off with Sally::
Eros: -_-;; Ooooooh-kaaaaaay..... Um, while we call the ambulance, you people have to review. Review, damn you!! ARRRRG!
Thalia: ::on phone:: - yeah, the address is http://www.fanfiction.net. You'll be here in under half an hour, right? Good! ::hangs up phone:: Good news!
Eros: What? Did you get the ambulance?
Thalia: Oops... knew I was forgetting something... Oh well! I was ordering some pizzas - ::everyone sweatdrops:: - for the cast party. You guys comin'?
G-boys: Sure! ::run off with Thalia to the cast party::
Eros: ::looking guiltily at the authoress:: Well.... maybe she won't lose ~too~ much blood... Hey guys! Wait for me!! ::runs after G-boys and Thalia::
::wheeze:: re- review... m-minna-san.... review....