Sadness

"Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking" ~Doug Coupland

Brittany Miller

How do you describe that itching feeling to scream and pull your hair out when no one listens? How do you describe that feeling of melancholy that eats away at your insides while you sit all alone with no friends and no family to help you to get back up? How do you describe that heavy feeling in your heart when you know that no one cares? The answer is simple for millions of people in the world, sadness. Sadness is what drives people to do crazy things like jump off of buildings and bridges just to prove a point… would I ever fling myself into the murky water below? A better question is, have I ever thought about it? Yes. I've thought about it on many occasions when people just won't listen… when no one seems to care at all. But I would never do it… I just… couldn't.

I stare down at the glittering water of the San Francisco Bay. I glance over at the class of ill-behaved teenagers threatening to throw each other off the edge of the bridge. I stare down at the water, wondering quietly if I would ever have the guts to just end it. End the pain… I glance over at my sisters who are talking quietly with my three best friends. Or… used to be best friends. All three of them have been ignoring me along with my sisters since High School started. It wasn't as if I had done anything to them, they were all just going in their own directions.

Theodore was trying really hard in school so that he could get into a good college. So far, with the help of Simon and Jeanette, he's been pulling A's despite the fact that most of his childhood was spent getting C's. Simon is in all advanced classes on a college bound schedule that he tested into last summer. He never seemed to have anytime for any of his friends besides his girlfriend. My sisters on the other hand, just didn't seem to have time for me anymore. They had other friends and I was just an inconvenience… they used to apologize for kicking me out of the group, but after a while they just didn't seem to care anymore. Then there's Alvin… we were supposed be best friends forever! We even made a packed back in elementary school. We never told anyone about it, because then they'd know that we actually get along. But Alvin started playing sports. The football team took off and everything was still great. I didn't get to see him too often, but I was busy at cheer anyways so it hardly mattered at the time. Then he started dating Alisha McDowell. I tried to be happy for him… but to be honest; I always thought that one day that girl holding his hand down the hallway would be me.

The five chipmunks avert their eyes when they see me watching them. I grip the railing of the bridge tightly before breathing in and out quickly. I push myself away from the railing and walk over to the five of them. "She's coming!" Jeanette hisses, ungracefully giving away the fact that they wanted nothing to do with me.

I ring my hands as I take another couple of steps towards the group. "A-am I interrupting something?" I ask timidly. This isn't me. I'm not a timid person, I'm strong and independent! I don't need them… but I do. They have always been my life line, my rock. I need them.

"No," Theodore says in a whisper. "We were just talking about some things that I don't think you'd be interested in hearing Brittany," he says formally.

"B-but we used to talk all the time," I counter, still holding back that feeling like something was about to crush me. That at any moment my life lines would walk away and never come back. "I-I-I don't u-understand what happened between us."

"Nothing," Simon says dryly, putting his hands in his pockets casually.

"Oh, Britt," Eleanor says when a stray tear slides down my cheek. "Don't be like that!"

"Don't be hurt?" I ask her, anger filtering through my cracking voice. "Eleanor! I never see you! What happened to being sisters? What happened to being the Chipettes?"

"Honestly Brittany," Eleanor puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head. "I wish you would stop only thinking about yourself. We have lives to! And some things just don't involve you."

"Nothing involves me!" I shout back, making Eleanor take a step back. Alvin puts a hand on her shoulder and shakes his head. I stare at the two of them as he makes the gesture and my lower lip quivers. I rub my eyes violently, trying to block out everything happening in the world.

"Come on kids!" the teacher conducting the field trip calls. "It's time to go back to school!"

I glance back at the water one more time. I could run, right now and show them how it feels to lose someone. They would be sorry for hurting me. But then again, what if they weren't? What if they were glad that I was finally out of the picture? I could probably disappear without anyone knowing… no one would care.

"Come on," a hand presses on my shoulder lightly, guiding me to the school bus. I look up at Alvin who has a sad look across his face. He doesn't look at me, only straight ahead towards the bus. So many questions flood into my mind during this priceless moment alone with Alvin. Why do you guys ignore me? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I'm selfish, that's what Eleanor says… b-but I can change!

No, you can't.

~Well, today has been tough :(

I didn't update Bon Voyage! today because I'm feeling a little down. One of my teamates, a guy from my school died this last weekend in a car accident. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt and the car flipped :(

I hope you liked this, it might be a while until I update again but I was inspired :)